thoughted

Today we did this exercise in class called "feelings pie."   You take a circle, divide it into the major divisions of your life (family, friends, alone, work, school etc) based on how much of your free time you spend with each.  Then you color in the sections based on how much of your time with that group you are happy, angry, sad, anxious etc.   
I realized during the exercise that my answers right now are completely different from what they would have been a few months ago.  A few months ago I would have been angry sad and anxious far more than I am now,  its not that the feelings are gone. But they are not so overwhelming.   I colored my pie with a lot of orange which was the color to represent happiness. I think even in my anxiety, sadness and anger I am happy right now. Maybe not this minute, but in general.
Last night I realized I hadn't done one of my OCD behaviors in a while when in a moment of indecision I counted the tiny lights on a digital clock. This tiny gesture used to be the way I made all my decisions. I would wait, sometimes hours for the right number of tiny lights.  It came so readily in the past that I was almost shocked last night when I realized I hadn't been doing it very much lately. I think if I am honest I have probably done it 2-3 times this week... but in the past I would do it several times a day on a good day.  On a bad day it was like... I couldn't do anything.
I guess I am noticing things like that on a lot of levels... like my anxiety has just lessened.

Tonight so far doesn't seem to be a good example, I am tired, a little crabby. I wanted to go to this meeting and also didn't want to go.  I think I was hoping there would be something exciting if I went, like a new friend or a new lover, possibilities... but I am not actually in the mood to put mental energy into solving problems that are not my own.

Anyway the point of this is that I think I have been doing well,  maybe a little sleepy... but good, happy, thankful.

an old poem a new video

A dream of love and jealousy

I remember feeling devoted, ecstatic, in love. I was holding you, sort of spooning, except I could feel both my hands on the skin of your torso, and it felt like heaven. We were breathing heavily, what had just commenced was not uncommon, but you said no one had ever made you feel like that before, and you wondered what you could do in return, and I just wanted to hold you, to keep you, to be warm with you (there was nothing but you, a thousand colors of your skin, your taste, your smell). I wanted the moment to last forever. I had given up a thousand waves of passion and gratefully you accepted. I was so happy. I felt like in just holding you, I could push all my loving energy into you, and if I did it, the energy would return, this was the cycle, the relationship I had in mind, that I kept so close to my heart, the hope I allowed to breathe in this moment,  but it was just a moment. 

You got up and started putting on your clothes (the room was blue and black), and though the cold air that suddenly was the only thing I was holding wasn't the cause, I felt on edge. Where had my security gone?  - whispers in the back of my head. You were talking about what was next, the plan you had for the evening, and as it continued, I suddenly realized I wasn't part of it. You were late already for the next thing, the next thing you were eager to leave me for, What had we?  my mind raced and closed off, I was rapidly becoming bitter. I couldn't understand. 

You walked me up the narrow stairs to the blinding lights and cold edges. At the doorway we stumbled into hosts welcoming house guests, they were merry and delighted. They had food and gifts and the hospitality of a innocent holiday family. I tried so hard to hide my disdain, I wanted them to know the travesty that had just occurred and join me in my contempt for your dismissal of me. 

The next scene was something different, you were different and this was even more public, orange signs and the counter to some corner store, chalk full of bullshit to buy. You were playing coy and innocent, I was hard of heart and cruel. The store clerk made some jest at you, and I wanted to show my power, so I reached down to caress your clit, and knew physically you wouldn't stop me. A mix of embarrassment, pleasure and hatred crossed your face and I reveled in it for a second.



Then I awoke and hated myself as much as you and felt like crying because I want more. 

a notebook find.

During a moment I wasn't looking, someone scrawled the following in my school notebook, in sloppy penmanship (probably meant to be mine):
"Dear Diary
Stephen winked at me from across the room today. Could I blush any harder!!!  hearts and kisses, Mike."

I assume they meant Stephen my 65 year old chinese coworker.  This is hilarious to me.

29

I fell asleep at 7:00ish, so now I can't sleep.

I just went through some old notes I found at my mom's house in the closet.  Drawings I did as a teenager, notes and letters from Nova while she was traveling, confirmation congrats cards, journals that talk about holidays, stories I wrote in high school in the middle of the night, notes from Steve and James, homework from women's studies classes and letters Becky wrote me in the middle of the night early in our relationship when she didn't feel comfortable talking to me about things, and of course the letters I wrote in case I died to my best friends and some of my family(a project I never finished).

Today I turn 29.

I sat in bed thinking of accomplishments, of friends lost and loved, of hopes for the future.
I am not sure if 29 is a significant birthday year. My Mom pointed out that we all turn an odd number this year... 31, 27, 57... the other day I realized I was exactly 10 years older than my youngest step brother, which had never occurred to me before.

I took a ride with Lacey yesterday, as she was showing me her childhood home, I started to reflect on my childhood. Something she seemed more reluctant to do. As I started talking about it, the pain of my past seemed like it was woven together into a ball, a mass that was both natural and demonic. Rapidly my story fell from my lips and I spit out truths, simple, plain truths, but it didn't seem preplanned... it was like a familiar mantra, but rich with emotion, each word a feeling, not just a repetition.  I was tearing up and my voice became shaky. I wasn't in anyway prepared for this, and yet it felt really right... like it was time to say these things... but at the end, I still wasn't satisfied. I didn't feel exercised.

Today in class we did a reading on forgiveness and it is a pretty profound reading... I think I need to think about this some more.

Hara Hara Mahadev

Talked to Steve tonight over some sweet ass lone spur moppo wings. We discussed our mutual plans for bettering our lives. For seeing from different perspectives, taking risks and investing in our lives. He also started preparing to write out his adventure story from this summer when he rode from New York to DC on a bike.  He says there is a PG and an R rated version, but I was encouraging him to express all the aspects, the different viewpoints and let it built up to something complex and rich.

Apparently all hell broke out when I left for a meeting at the end of the day today. Students carrying resentment and eager for drama, even got a parent involved I guess. Its all too ridiculous. None of my classes this week have gotten anywhere near where I was hoping to get to. In fact, three of my classes haven't even started with anything academic, we made personal posters and played a few icebreaker games.

We are only two days into the trimester and we got drama. I have such high hopes for these kiddos, and then they let me down. I was at this meeting and they were talking about how their students are applying and going to colleges and I thought to myself "What world are these people living in?"  I really got into the Morris thing, but I can't imagine going to college right now with record tuition rates and low low employment in the various fields. This girl I started talking to online (read below), said she thought it was ridiculous that kids at her school would pay shit tons of money to get theater degrees, even though she took theater for 12 years.

I am supposed to be having a sort of get to know you skype session with a lady from okcupid right now. Maybe she got busy, but she doesn't seem to be online... stood up on a nerd date... funny.
This is part of my taking more risks thing. I got really nervous the first time, which was a few nights ago. This time, a little less worried.



How to see beauty in all?  I think I need to start eating lunch.
Tomorrow night I may or may not go to an improv show based on homework and parent teacher conferences.  Saturday I am supposed to hang with Russ and Emily D.  Sunday SoT and working?
Tuesday I turn 29!! can you believe that silly shit?

January 2013

Tomorrow is my last day of "break" though of course I have the weekend.  I made an appointment finally with the investment guy for my 403B retirement plan thing. I have been meaning to do that for like a year and a half.   My company matches money now... I think I am going to say "invest this in the high risk/high reward"  shit, because I already have some more conservative investments. Its all unethical so might as well gamble with this tiny amount. A few bucks from each paycheck.

I am also either having fro yo or lunch with Lacey tomorrow. Then I am not sure,  I have some things to do at work if I want to do them. I also could spend the day painting chairs (for work) or painting my neighbors house (she was evicted), my housemates have taken on the work to get a discount on rent. Or I could spent my last day reading and drawing as I had planned for this week. The reading is going well, finished a book today, finished a different one yesterday. I haven't been doing any writing. Hard to know what I think lately, all up and down, very disorganized, very emotional.

Russ asked me to come to his b day party tomorrow night... another option.

Saturday, Sunday and Monday will be pretty busy. Then I think I have to figure out if I am taking a class at MCTC and quick! Spirit of Truth is having a meeting on Monday night. 

I should also figure out whether I am going to try dating again... or rather for the first time. I told myself I would take more chances this year... more courageous leaps without looking.  That seems like one. 
I have been having doubts about whether I will actually leave this year... maybe next?  I think I would have to figure it out for sure by March... and by March there will be no more information than now as to the future of my school. Do I take a leap and hope the job is there when I am done? Do I leave my coworkers hanging?  Just doesn't seem like me. Not when ideally the reason I take these kinds of trips is to teach and explore. to be able to share after...

My dad and I are texting about age.  He asked if I feel 29 (30ish?)   its weird, it just donned on me a few days ago that if I wait a year to take the trip, I will be 30. 30 is old. James is married and has a house at 30. Where is my ________that__________?   Am I married to travel?  My Dad says he sometimes feels like he is 30, sometimes like he is 60.  I don't write about my parents very often. They play a pretty solid role in my life, I think I take them for granted.

I went out of town last week to Duluth and it was great. Then when we got back we had a party and it was ok. Then we had house guests for a couple days and boy was I crabby. I think it was too much time around people mixed with jealousy, mixed with typical holiday frustration and resentment. I always feel like everyone else is happy on holidays and that I am expected to be, and that I can't possibly be.  There is too much reflection and mixed emotions involved...
I was surprised in that I was particularly jealous of the relationship that formed between one of my roommates and one of our house guests. They just hit it off and enjoyed each other's company in a variety of ways.

I got to this particular point of annoyance and then this girl I have been messaging back and forth with on Okcupid emailed me and suddenly I was much more smiley.  I think I crave special attention. Hard to know if that will go anywhere or if it is just a reminder to be open.

I bought 7 cds yesterday.  Twin Cities Funk and Soul, Godspeed You! Black Emperor's 'Alleujah! Don't Bend! Ascend!,  311's Universal Pulse, Doomtree's No Kings, P.O.S's We Don't Even Live Here, John Frusciante's PBX Funicular Intaglio Zone, and the Mars Volta's Noctourniquet

Some of it is great, some of it I am less impressed with. I had been listening to a lot of POS's earlier stuff and forgot that he has headed in more of a pop direction. I like his lyrics still, but the sound is less interesting to me. I like some of the Doomtree tracks, Godspeed is great, twin cities funk and soul has some good stuff, john frusciante is always a little weird and I haven't had a chance to listen to noctourniquet yet but I am sure it will be weird.
I didn't go to the store for any of these, but they had these cds and not the one I went there for... so.

The last few days I have been reading this book   The Dispossessed   which Jared gave me for xmas.  I really liked it on the whole, I really liked the political aspects and social commentary, I really liked the spiritual aspects and the writing style. But one thing I wasn't expecting was the relationship in the book to draw me out. There were moments reading about the main characters relationship with his partner that made me feel really deeply touched... similar to how I feel in my dreams sometimes. The author did a good job of pairing away all the jumble and for a few paragraphs touching on something deeply heartfelt.

Anyway, I also just like sci fi... makes me feel like the world has possibilities. I don't remember what I wrote last on here... but I think for the most part I have spent my days looking at old photos, reading, surfing the web and listening to music.

Not much to report. Hopefully getting back to work will be ok...