messages?

I went to bed last night, unable to sleep I tossed like a salad for several hours. I was spent, but my mind wanted to think about things like putting away folders (which is what I had done that day), wanted to check off lists you know... But as part of this, I started thinking of all the changes I wanted to make in my life. Maybe I wanted to start planning my south america trip. Where would I start? Where would I end? How would I know when its enough?
Is early next summer to early? By the time I was asleep, I am sure I had convinced myself I could not leave too early. I would cancel all my plans, my responsibilities: School could wait or would be dead soon enough, SoT is a waste of time, I have no friends I told myself.
My mind picked up on that SoT thing, because though I was planning on stepping off the leadership council and maybe not showing up as much as the thing quietly fell apart without me (egocentric to the max before bed!)  I had a dream. 

I was standing somewhere, like maybe the Fair, only I know I was also late to my first class, so maybe it was the fair at some university where I was skipping class to chat up old ladies.. anyway, two old ladies were talking to each other about SoT, and I (though I was planning on quitting), seemed like the perfect person to bud into their conversation, so of course I did, "You know I am a leader of SoT, and I would be perfectly happy to answer any questions."  they did have questions... "what are you doing on healthcare?"
"nothing yet, but I am sure with enough energy we could be" and suddenly there were not two, but twenty, and they were energized. They wanted universal healthcare, they wanted their retirements secure, they wanted their kids to not worry, and their kids were there too, wanting to not worry. At 20 they were a small energized crowd, at 50 they were a bulldozer force. They had momentum, they had the moment, SoT was a thing with an impact.
and I was late for class.

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I was early, I am always early, I showed up and was seated, I questioned myself on whether I needed separate seating, after all I was meeting them right? No, not really, there was nothing confirmed, had I made up the whole thing? Was I just crashing their get together, who the fuck was Huck? Why as he special... I mean I knew Huck, I like Huck, Huck is a fine person, but why were you meeting with him and not me. Fuck it, I will join you. What a weird restaurant, a dark rich environment like a romantic eatery seen only in rich people dramas. Only the menu had no lobster or fois gras, but icecream, yogurt, sorbet.  Rich icecream yogurt and sorbet mind you. Each scoop was like 15 buck and they only served them in 2 scoops, no more, no less. What an exquisite menu I thought to myself, but I was too nervous, sweating, what the fuck am I doing here? I turned around to see the two of you entering. Huck was tall, in a dark suit. He matched the place perfectly, suave and silly. He didn't see me. You entered your hair was just beyond shoulder length, teased out but in a beautiful swoop, you looked like model, perfectly catching the orange light in the darkness of the restaurant. Your were wearing a dress, strapless, form fitting, melted into the rich drama. you had a small purse, in manicured hands. You didn't see me.
The host seated the two of you, on the opposite side of the swank creamery. I followed down the long narrow row between tables, on this side there were deep dark wooden booths made for more people and they were filled with socialites all in black, laughing, smiling, beautiful. Laurel was amongst one group and she spotted me, smiled at me, returned to here laughing friends (all Filipino).  I got caught behind a group that was exiting, and lost track of you. I tried to sweep over to the other aisle but couldn't quite make it through, impatient I stood, sweating, the flood came back. What was I doing, how will she react? What if I am interrupting? Should I just leave a message and walk by. Should I wait for them to recognize me and invite me over. What if she denied wanting to see me? She had said it would be nice right?  I looked to Laurel for confirmation, she wasn't there.  I was hoping she could run interference with Huck, if I needed. She was gone.
I decided to approach, I saw the two of you, done up and fancy. You were just about to look at the menus, you didn't see me. Within 20 feet I chickened out. Turned around and thought better of myself, but I couldn't give up this opportunity, I was a mad man in a yogurt shop. I kept pacing up and down the aisle, but this whole calamity was in my head and no one was the wiser.
Eventually I returned to my seat, I was trying to text you. Something about, "try the _____ its good I hear" which I hadn't heard, nor tried, but I wanted to somehow say "I know you are here, please let me know if I can join you" but I was sweating and the sweat was stinging my eyes, and I wondered if I was too poorly dressed in this place. I was choking from the heat, I felt a mess, my glasses were foggy and I couldn't read the text. I didn't understand why I had these new thick rimmed glasses.  I was worried. I was missing the moment.