I don't know if this will be a complete entry, more like a smattering of ideas. I am not a context writer, I give you the middle, maybe a little on the side.
Someone woke me up this morning with a text, I wrote something back about no one being able to give me what I really wanted right now, in my sleepiness I knew that that was true, but hadn't defined what that was really. It took me a few minutes longer...
If someone were able to snap their fingers, it'd be two fold, it wouldn't just be for the hurt to stop. It wouldn't be just that my friends feel cared for, or my mom suddenly didn't have this enormous burden on her, or that school wasn't so damn frustrating, it'd be more than that. I want the high times, the times when I felt special in each of these characters' lives. I miss being at the center of their universe, and I miss them being part of mine. I miss the ease, the comforting, the dynamic expansion of the heart in the way that it hurts because you are bursting with joy, not torn apart and healing. I miss being loved and needed, being sought out, being longed for.
I was right, no one can give me that. They can't get it back for me. and I know I have thus far rejected new offers. I know that these ladies are in essence offering that with the potential to be a father, I am disastrously scared of that. I am feeling unethical about it. I am worried I will add the element of destruction to that.
But anyway it won't really be that, this is like the ending of high school, or college, people walk away and find new lives. There are two things that heal, time and replacement. I know they aren't truly replaced, but when my thoughts are of others, they won't be as tied up in them.
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