Sharing Humanity

I spent a few hours today talking to a friend. She has this habit of crying when we talk, and she blames it on me, or rather assigns the moods she gets into to our discussions. She also hints at the possibility of more almost every time we depart. 

We were talking about human experiences, like crying, being moved, feeling isolated and alone in the universe. She projects an image of me that makes me feel like I am intriguing and profound. I find it hard to understand sometimes. I tend to chalk it up to the fact that she rarely shares much of herself with anyone, so of course a conversationalist who likes to listen, or who shares a bit of vulnerability, or who makes it seem comfortable enough,  well that feels like a kind of connection, a kind of miracle, and I walk away feeling like I've been a part of something meaningful, but not entirely as out of the ordinary as she presumes it to be. 

Yesterday she and my coworker startled me in their shared assessment that I fit the description I was giving of a "good" person, and I quickly dismissed it. It was one of those moments where you are shocked by the way others perceive you, like I walk around all day with my head in a different world than they do... and I chalk it up to the fact that they are good, and want to see good in others who they relate to, but I am not sure it is that simple. 

I've been dreaming of familiar people, people who aren't a part of my life on the regular, but their being around in mundane roles seems comforting in the dreams. I wonder if it means anything. Like preparation for something.

The thought occurred to me tonight that perhaps the opposite of what I assumed might happen could happen if I do end up helping conceive this child. Perhaps I will drop my obsessive thoughts on morality and just enjoy life, regardless of the consequences, like "I've done my work to ensure the future, so fuck it, time to enjoy the present."   This is contrasted with that assumption I have always had that said "When I have a reason to live, I will live better." and perhaps, that statement is hurtful to some in my life, but it seemed fitting enough.