Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

Looking at pictures.... I've lived a really good long life full of friendlies. Its amazing how much your memory can ignore until jogged. I forget so many experiences, rooms I have been in, peoples' faces and voices, their outfits, their jokes and stories. Forget the awkwardness in the moment, the concern and doubt. 

Some people are beautiful and stay beautiful and get more beautiful as you grow with them.

Its kind of cool to see these pictures of Jared and Laurel in my house in Morris, then again a year later in the dorms, then again just in the past few months in a house we share. I wouldn't have guessed that outcome years ago.

I wouldn't have guessed that Emily and Kristi would live together, and that I would enjoy their company still even though I never see them because I am to wound up in my own matters.

I wouldn't have guessed at the pictures on my wall that Jess V would call me and ask me to hang out 10 years after I met her and reluctantly (nerves) went to hang out with her... that Jen would be so far away. That she would be married with a child, that Gabi who I crushed on since I was 14 would be out west with a husband and a passion for politics and law. 

There are really too many things too many surprises to name, I am happy with the way things turned out for the most part, though I wish I could keep that joy in my heart all the time. 

I really don't though... 

keep it I mean.

I have not been joyful much at all lately...  whether its the churning of older friendships, or the weather, or the concern for family  or the stress of work or whatever... I am exhausted and bitter and uneasy lately.

I was thinking about music and painting today... how I wish I could be really good at one of them but would never take the time to really put my all into it.  Similarly I looked at a for sale property and thought of all the possibilities but couldn't really imagine me doing it...

 Its like -----> over there is something beautiful and you know you're gonna stay where you are and admire it instead of being part of it. 

Yeah that's me.