Sometimes I have a hard time trying to find the balance or justification that allows me to simultaneously think 

  

-myself worthy of brilliant dreams of love and comfort 

-and at the same time such awful awful disturbing things.

I should be going to bed.

I know distance makes the heart grow fonder and all, but I think in my case its a weird situation. I sometimes forget about them all together. I was looking through these pictures on facebook (here I will go get them-oh that is shitty you can't steal pictures from facebook anymore --specifically I was thinking of this one).  I remember this day. I remember being slightly annoyed and anxious with the situation at hand, but also totally in love with the people around me. But I don't talk to them often... you know... I don't see Ryan (who just got married Congrats! I don't see Pete) I do see Shultz, but sometimes she is super busy.  

Anyway tonight is about none of them... but it is funny how when you don't see someone and then suddenly see them again its easy to love them. Its easy to get flooded... as was the case tonight, with Gabi and Kelsey and they were beautiful. I have always though Kelsey was wonderfully interesting but more and more I just like her as a person...  like her flaws, like her self absorption and her self consciousness, her assertiveness raw and only second guessed years later, her slight hearing impairment her wonderful creativity and her life experiences... that deepfelt love she carries with her and struggles through  and you can tell she is still holding it even years later...  Not to mention her natural diet and sweaty self just smelled so naturally humanly beautiful and good. 

But really how many times can I say it, I just sat and stared at Gabi, who seems to be more and more beautiful every time I see her, or maybe its just ok for me to admit it now that she is married. Gabi who is socially conscious and driven like no one else. Who is focused and spacey at the same time. Who is brilliant and warm and easily annoyed but not as easily as she used to be. Who is learning how to take care of herself and love herself and love others too. Gabi who gets to grow in leaps and bounds every time I see her, and who reminds me of special times and special places in my heart, because when I am overwhelmed with my love for her it spills out and out with it comes my love for all those other special friends, the ones I see once a week and the ones I don't see now. 

That's a beautiful kind of suffering you know.  We talked about that at church, is suffering good?  oh yes, suffering is beautiful sometimes... bittersweet but I am quite adept at enjoying that sugar you know. 

Oh I wish 

wish things that won't happen, with time that isn't there, and opportunities that can't exist, and realities that would make me far too vulnerable... but oh I wish none the less... 

Wish for conversation and the enjoyment of eyes and smiles that evaporate too soon, but they were there, I saw them. 

Well that's enough vague language for one night... no, I spent too many hours this weekend waiting for something new

As the kids say these days, I am disappoint

I had this idea at some point last night that it might be cool to try to write for a day straight. I think I might have to build up to it. It would take a lot of caffeine and junk food I am sure... some good tunes too. Maybe I will try little increments like 15 minutes straight, 2 hours straight,  6 years. 

I think I would need one of those little pillow things that people use to raise their wrists while typing... I already have wrist problems, my left one has been bothering me for like a few months now. 

This is my yearbook page for school

I have checked off like 3 things on my list today so far... but I think it is too hot to be reading outside, too hot to get coffee or tea and I just had a smoothie so that isn't gonna work.  I guess that means I need to check apartments and shit on craigslist.

 My Dad decided he wanted individual and somewhat creepy pictures of all of us on his birthday.

Steve has longer hair than me, weird I know.

The dinner party, I think there were 12 of us at this point.

I always try to take picture of Caitlin.

Nikki stole my camera for a bit to take some pictures.

This is actually from Nikki, but it looks quite familiar.

Shes pretty good on the mic.

I'm a minute and a half into this song, not sure I like the lyrics but I really like the music.


SO Last night we celebrated Eagan's move to Madison with Ethiopian food (I abstained), home videos, Ghost Writer and Korean Karaoke.  It was an interesting time to say the least.

In the dirty fun of it all I think there was a lot of love shared. Definitely a lot of joy. A lot of alcohol, some flirtation and the possibility for good conversation in the hall that increasingly became smelly.

We sort of trashed the place in the 5 hours we were there... but it was super fun.

At one point some of us started discussing the process of growing up. How we don't miss being younger, how we are looking for romantic partners who are established, how we have given up our day dream idealism for something more real.

At one point a few of us walked to Mesa Pizza in Dinkytown and I was overwhelmed by the feeling that I was too old to exist in that place where as not too long ago I felt fairly at home there.

At Spirit of Truth today we discussed whether lamenting and the process of suffering can be a holy thing, or a good thing. Most agreed that the process itself is not holy but the opportunity for good that comes with it can be.  I slightly disagree with that, because I don't see any problem with calling the lead up to something special

"good" even if it is painful.

Afterwards some people described scenes from funerals in which lots and lots of people gathered and wailed and cried together... which seems more human than what we do.

It reminded me of the poem I wrote after my uncle's death, it reminded me of one of the funeral I went to for my student's mother.

I have been thinking a lot about jail lately.  About the process of getting caught, humiliated, abandoned and despised. About the process of rehabilitation and finding meaning in suffering.  I don't know why.

I also recently reread this piece I wrote 2 years ago and thought it was still fitting for this time in my life. I wonder when I will be up for the challenge?

You have been waiting for something easy. Something that just CLICKS into place. She says “hello” and without thinking you ask her to marry you, not because you have lost it, or in a bout of desperation but because the soothing tone in her voice the look in her eye her body language triggers some inner part of you that knows this is forever. That easy. 

What will I do tonight? 

Friends? 

Movie?

Computer Game?

Painting?

Reading?

Sleeping?

Well I am not feeling creative at all. In fact, I would really like to go to sleep, but I have been feeling like there are things I want to write about... so maybe they will come out if I give them a space.

So what first?

I am listening to Alegria, Cirque Du Soleil is coming into town this weekend and I will not be attending. There are more cats here than normal as my roommates brother is in town. I will fix the typos later but maybe I can concentrate better with my glasses off my eyes hurt.

Teaching is one thing I would like to talk about. Teaching is one of those things that seems like more than a job, like a life style choice really. In most other professions I imagine you can take off your work clothes and enjhoy life, not always so as a teacher. It may be the nights you stay up doing work, literally grading and planning, or the nights you stay up worrying or problem solving. Worrying about the students and their progress or lack of academic progress, problem solving classroom issues, problem solving student life issues like "I wonder if I should suggest they check out this shelter, or this food shelf." Or thinking about the 50 times you were taken advantage of and trying to be a little bit more strong next time so you don't resent them.  Then of course there are co-workers issues, like in every job... and in mine I have so few issues. I really honestly think the world of my co-workers... they are all the hardworking life giving type of people. They open their hearts even when they know better, they stand firm and back each other up, they are so damn positive even in the moments of despair....  I can't count the amount of compliments and thanks I get on the daily... I don't really understand how they do what they do... and they think the same of me, which is hard. Its hard to not feel worthy of it... or to worry that one day I will disappoint, but until then I know I will give my all... and they seem to give me looks that say they will too. And then there is the rest of the education world, the politicians that use us for punching bags, the administrators that drag us out as show ponies only to jab and push in every wrong direction, the district that mismanages purposefully, who do everything in their power to make us struggle because they cant get their own shit together. The society that couldn't care less because they have some how forgotten that in order to make the future better you have to invest in it.    ---its a battle... teaching is a battle, no make that a war, and on all fronts different battles...
We are all feeling defeated and raw,  and then they say budget cuts and less staffing.
So we flex and prepare to go down swinging I guess.

Tornadoes, I told Illy this already but have you ever been inside a Target trying to think about how to rebuild or help out your community  and it suddenly dawns on you that Target is a giant waste of resources and that these things should be available to the in need  public without you purchasing? I don't understand our country or our mixed up priorities. I saw a hundred people singing and marching yesterday in red shirts and it gave me a longing to march in a parade of a hundred thousand. We could all be singing together instead of tearing each other down, instead of some of us in mansions and some in shelters... we could just be together. I am not sure the planet will allow capitalism to exist much longer, but I can't wait for us to wake up and embrace... even if it is at the moment of our death  we could be united in song.

I wonder if I will ever get sick of this song (3 versions of the same song)

Its Monday 

I have like 4 things I should be doing:

A) receipts, a tactic of the struggle

B) budget, preparing for the next battle

C) reading for the future classes

D) Clean my fucking filthy room!

Its amazing to me how easily this place becomes a nightmare, I swear people would think my room was hit by that tornado. I have boxes and bags and clothes and garbage everywhere. I feel like the first step in a hoarders house. 

But I want to do nothing. 

I probably shouldn't have come home. Its always harder to get things started in a filthy room. I could have had some tea and started a revolution. If the house catches fire I'm jumping out the window.

Tomorrow with Lacey

Wednesday I'm keeping open.

Thursday with Alicia. 

Friday Morgan's art exhibition

Saturday Eagan's going away party

Sunday your mom and I tangle. 

Everything beneath

I just republished a bunch of things that were saved as drafts... maybe they had already been published. They are from the past few years... so everything beneath this is old and random.

Paradox of honesty
If I were a better man... 

They say when it comes down to it,
every thing we do we do alone
and I couldn't disagree more with that sentiment.

I've never breathed a breath without some opposition
never whispered a thought without some spectre objecting
never braced for an impact of my own accord
never traced the outline of this room with my eyes though I've seen it

I couldn't count the times your presence calmed me
your fingers wrapped around my forearms
warmth sent shivers down my spine
I love the way you plant memories in my nose

So is this the plan brain?
A weekly weekend melancholy, all agitation and premature exhaustion.
Your oxytocin fix ain't coming home any time soon and the other one is four years away.
Is this how we will spend our day? moving from one candy coated sweet to the next, 3 tablespoons of sugar for each cup of coffee not enough. One pack of m&ms, hot chocolate marshmallowed and some artificial heat, ain't gonna keep you from the cold cold gray.

Wow, I just went from absolute chaos to absolute understanding in like 2 seconds flat.





I just fucking hate myself, I'm not ever gonna get better until I get help, and I'm not gonna be able to put down this weight, or stop worrying, trying to help, until I do.

I know I'm never gonna be able to balance it out... no matter how much I show I care, or how much "good" I do... I'll still feel ashamed, I'll still feel its not enough... I'll see that look in your eyes that tells me you will leave, and I'll believe you, and I won't be honest. I won't hurt you even if it means I'd be free. I'll just keep trying to justify through the good, while hiding the bad things.
But I'm not good.

I may not deserve your love,
but I don't deserve your hatred either(I hope).

but I'd like to enjoy my life...
I'd really like to feel like I could be proud of myself for more than a few seconds.

So I'm gonna get help.
and if that means you aren't around...
I have to learn to be ok with it.
but I really loved you, this is the part I g

I pretty much want to say this to my students everyday

"Now wait a minute, hear me out! Now you kids with your loud music and your Dan Fogelberg, your Zima, hula hoops and Pac-Man video games, don't you see? People today have attention spans that can only be measured in nanoseconds"

Its from Baseketball.

and then then loneliness kicks in, and with loneliness comes the desire to make stupid decisions-desperation.

Mel Gibson and the Pants

are one of my favorite bands.

but they also used to have a song called "it's french don't worry about it" but then they renamed it "volatile mixture"

I liked the first one better.

“Of course a social relation can’t be changed with a bomb, it takes more than dynamite to get folks to respond, of course tomorrow morning there for if all systems collapsed, we’d divide ourselves again in lines of gender, race and class. But tonight I don’t care if we were at the head of a million hearts, unless we ripped them from our chests and start throwing them at cars, cuz tonight it’s not enough to sympathize in our beds, they count everybody who doesn’t rise up as a win, lying in bed we dream of a thousand revolutionary plots, were fucking petrified to use the bit of power we’ve got, it’s not to say it’s not important to build and organize, but all talk and no act is just is just reaction in disguise. So some of us are gonna wait another thousand years, for the world to lose their crutches and to swallow their fears, because complacency is guilt and response is overdue, Johnny the movement needs your heart but it needs your body too. “

I think this song is called bombs and bleeding hearts.

The next verse begins "In a little piece of each of us, inside is a cop, we try to fuck each other over just to rise to the top."

anyway, I like this song, even though I may not agree with it. Its sort of an extended version of the call "off of the sidewalks into the streets!"

"And who of you are like me?"

"But is it just the pains in your head
That are thrilling me
Another life's falling down onto it's knees
But I'll never smile the way, that I did like that day

Everything will be okay
It'll be okay"

just stream vent

What do I want to say right now?

When Nikki and I broke up so long ago I made a number of mistakes. I jabbed with truth, but it stung her like wrath and unjustified revenge. She got me into this cd. Counting Crows, all my lady friends have introduced me to good music. I remember being so young and surprisingly innocent even though I felt more guilty then than I do now for my past. I've had time to make up for things, including the way I struck out at her. Each memory was a curse and a sign to me of impending doom, and my caring (to me) meant protecting her from herself. And even more, protecting all of them from her. What a curse it was to me to know that someone I had trusted would take all that support and use it to cripple another. I'd seen it in others, in friends, in acquaintances. It was around that same time that I was neglecting my duties with pete, and when I confronted I confronted without confidence, but all the same I knew it was right.
Some of them admit it later. Most of em end up rejecting me. Its sort of funny in the really not funny at all category... how self assure we are when we head into our mistakes. Some of us just assume we will make them, so we try to warn others. Some of us don't believe we even have that power, so we are taken aback when someone says something. and those are the people we can trust right?

A few years ago my mom told me about someone she knew, their son had gone out drinking, his first time, he was underage. He wasn't even that drunk, he hit a car and killed a family. He wanted badly to do whatever he could to make up for it. But he couldn't ever.

Several of my friends are drug/alcohol addicts. I tend to be supportive of them, even when they are clearly hurting themselves, even though its against my rules. I do say things sometimes... they know how I feel, so they avoid me when they want to act this way. Thats not the way I want it. I tell them I can drive them, I can stay sober if they want to be silly. But the moment they start seeing themselves and their fun as more important than the lives of others, they cross a line to me. Its the same line, only a bit more dangerous and irresponsible as the other rule... the you don't hurt others rule. I been in that situation before, where I thought, yeah I could drive, it might even be fun.
I wish I could say that I was bold and strong enough to cut myself off from people with this type of behavior. But I know we all make mistakes... still if you look at who I trust, who I'm close to, its not these people.

why mike is a shallow monkey...


Um every time i see an advertisement for the Darjeeling limited (like every time i am on myspace) I get excited... now i did really like the movie, I saw it 3 times I think... but mostly I am excited because I have a ridiculous fascination with natalie portman..
I used to have like 15 actor crushes.... all different people from many different types of movies... and I would rent all these movies regularly even when they were really bad movies... I sort of grew out of the obsessiveness about this... but the crushes are still there even though I dont tend to expound upon them... I just thought I would share. I guess.
Maybe I should get some of the pictures of these people... and post them

I am most ill at a rhymin and stealin.

Patience, Master.

R A B B I what has happened to you? they've turned you into some monstrous god,

set you upon your knees in tears as they draw and quarter your message of peace.

-and when you cried out that you'd been forsaken, perhaps some ugly vision of the future had graced your strained presence. And still you asked for our forgiveness, claiming that we knew not what we did. And I fear you sinned there on the cross, as tears fell from your warm eyes, you told childish lies to our father, hoping to protect us all from our due punishment. But teacher, how do we learn to walk the righteous path, if you wont let us stumble and fall as we crawl so slowly towards you? Have faith lord, moths always stumble towards false light in darkness, but one day we'll learn the difference.

Me and my little brother have been spending the last few nights attempting to get work done of some sort.... and trading chili peppers comments, songs, videos.

I think he might need it more than I do... but its nice to relate.

This is Ina not drunk.... (sorry the sound at the show was actually pretty bad)

Last train out of Aberdeen
bound for new orleans


Lets see... 2 days left of the art assistanceness.... My teacher that i'm working with is having all these meetings and interviews after school so she cant get dirty... which means its all me... I think tomorrow Im gonna clean the room. We have been dying t shirts... the floor is a spectral swamp of dots and blotches in all your favorite reds yellows greens and blues.
I made 3 t shirts.... they didnt turn out exactly right... but they are aight.. One of my students decorated the back of one of them, that was nice... the girl had been fake taking credit for everything i did all summer... there are a number of running jokes around involving me.. like basically any time anything goes wrong it is blamed on me and everyone calls me different weird names.

It has been a really fun program... there is no doubt about that... i tend to laugh and smile a lot. I spose thats one thing I want in a classroom, something healthy.
I worry about my informality being a problem with hiring... but I also feel like i connect to the students more so than some of the other teachers... and I dont think thats wrong right?

I have some pictures of students, but I dont think it would be good to put them on here...

Receipts for Rights Campaign Urgent!

Hey fine people of the Twin Cities!


Some of you may already know that I  am working as an ally to the Centro de Trajadores Unidos en Lucha(CTUL).  These courageous people not only clean your retail grocery stores but also are diligently fighting for workers rights in the Twin Cities. The campaign to have the major grocery stores sign a declaration of fair principles and end human rights violations has been ongoing for over a year now and the campaign has seen quite a bit of hardship and triumph, but the workers have decided to go on a hunger strike for workers rights starting SAT MAY 21st.

It is important to be able to support them and make this move as visible as possible.
There are a whole series of actions planned for the week of the 22nd on but one important way you can help is by adding your voice in support!

The group I am working with is asking for two things this week to add to the campaign.
1) Collect receipts from all your grocery store purchases this week.
We are trying to convince Cub Foods to change its policy regarding contracting companies that do not use fair labor practices. This is the statement that will accompany all receipts turned in.

 Dear Cub Foods,
We are members of the Twin Cities community, and we are grocery shoppers. We are also people of strong values, believing in the dignity of every person, fair treatment and a voice for working people at their place of work.  We see Cub Foods as an important member of the Twin Cities community, and believe that you take those values seriously as well.
By signing this card, I pledge to have my money follow my values, and to buy my groceries at stores that respect the people who work there and clean those stores. We ask that Cub Foods sit down with the leadership and workers involved with CTUL, and come to an agreement about your role in ensuring dignity, fair treatment and a voice for these working people at your stores.

Doesn't seem so extreme right?  We are asking for Cub to become a partner in changing the way workers are treated in our community. You can get behind that right? ANY AMOUNT FROM ANY GROCERY STORE HELPS, its all about showing them the potential economic boost they could get/or not get depending on their treatment of their workers.

2) Add your name to the petition as a person who shares these values (I can meet you for your signature or we can work out some electronic way to do so).

*******************************************************************************
So if you have read this far you might have some questions on why this is important... or how you can help further... or who else is backing this group?

Well to start - here are a list of endorsements from people you probably know:

Faith-Based Organizations:

• Jewish Community Action
• Bethany Lutheran Church
• Holy Trinity Lutheran Church
• Spirit of Truth
• Lyndale United Church of Christ
• St. Paul’s Monastery Justice and Peace Committee
• Justice Commission of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Carondelet and Consociates
• Justice and Peace Network of the Sisters of St. Francis

Labor Organizations:

• United Food and Commercial Workers Local 1189
• Service Employees International Union Local 26
• St. Paul Federation of Teachers
• Office and Professional Employees International Union Local 12
• AFSCME Local 3800
• Twin Cities branch of the Industrial Workers of the World

Community Organizations:

• Minnesota Fair Trade Coalition
• Neighborhoods Organizing for Change
• Centro Campesino
• La Conexion de las Americas
• Minneapolis Autonomous Radical Space
• Opposition to War and Occupation
• Iraq Peace Action Coalition
• Sisters of Camelot
• Social Welfare Action Alliance

Student Organizations:

• Minnesota Public Interest Research Group
• Adelante, Macalester
• Students for a Democratic Society, Macalester

As for why?
I found this particularly moving:

Cub Foods prides itself on charitable giving for hunger relief and other community issues.  In fact, in 2010 the parent company of Cub Foods donated approximately $90 million to the community, the equivalent of $1.73 million a week.  We, the workers who clean Cub Foods’ stores, are often the very people who have to seek relief from local food shelves.  If Cub Foods were to pay only one week of community donations to ensure that we are treated fairly as we clean their stores, we could afford to provide food for our own families and we would not have to beg for handouts.

-All about human dignity. Pretty much anyone can get on board with that right?

So what else can you do?
Check out the action page and listen up for updates. http://ctul.net/hunger-strike/hunger-strike-actions/

Call your news papers, news stations, radio stations etc... talk to people about the importance of dignity in the work place (because these people are willing to put their lives on the line when the rest of us are keeping our mouths shut).  

And contact me if you can get even one receipt in the next week, but especially if you can spread the word or get the people in your life to collect receipts too!

The Celebration of all things Hipster

Down the street are multiple stages, booths and bars all celebrating the glory of Lyn-Lake, or a good time, or being stylish and alternative. 

As I was sitting in the Dunn Bros I often go to for smoothies and Rice Krispie bars I couldn't help but notice the parade of pretty people walking by, sometimes by themselves other times in groups of 3 to 7. I started feeling like I was missing out on something bigger. Like maybe there were dreams that could be fulfilled just down the street at the Lyn-Lake Street Festival. Only at the conjunction of Lyndale and Lake street could such a party exist and apparently only in Minnesota (not that I believe this article in any way).

Anyway, I sped down the street (by sped I mean I dropped off my car and checked my e mail before walking back down the street) fighting the sun and the Morris MN like wind, I finally made it to my destination only to be overwhelmed by the youthful fashionista event.

I did run into 2 former students, 1 current student, and one friend from college... but other than that it was pretty much just full of people you would want to take an artsy photograph or do a sketch of.... but when there are so many its a little much. In my heart I went there to find someone to have deep conversations and dirty sex with, but you can't help but feel like its just one big art project. Like a live museum, and when there are so many art pieces and its impolite to stare, they all start to look like globs of paint in sunglasses, random scribbles in sun dresses, shades of sun light all in silk and tight pants.  Fashion and face paint are beautiful when I don't have to recognize that you are faking it. Hipster town USA, you're pretty and petty. 

"I've got to set my sights just to get struck"

I spent like 3 hours in a dream (or at least it felt like it). The dream had various components. 

Overall, we were on a massive plane (three floors) it was something like 4-5 sections from front to back and 4 sections of seats from side to side. The plane had huge windows so you could see whatever city you were in from the inside, and at times it felt like there were no walls at all.  Knowing what city you were in was important because this was a world traveling plane... with many stops... for some reason it felt like I had to guess which city each time... I remember trying to pick out the architecture of Paris and London -but it was always night time.

The plane had similar features to the dorm hall that the previous dream had included and at  times I think the two got mixed together... like I specifically remember coming across a fellow passenger I had been hanging with and talking to her parents who were visiting for the weekend. I encouraged them  to keep pressuring her into making her space more comfortable.  

Anyway, similar to a dorm, the plane had many younger people. They all seemed to be from about 18-30, and all the other passengers were basically just obstacles in the way. They would try to sit down or sleep and block you in. 

During one of the many stops (the majority of the dream) I remember making friends with a group of people who were out on adventures. One of them I found particularly attractive and she seemed to like me. We spent what seemed like a good amount of time together, leading activities, enjoying each-other's humor and insight. She had pink redish hair that you could tell was normally brown.  She was very confident and carried herself well. 

I remember one of the big conflicts of the dream was people having to wait for the bathroom (while in flight) because the laundry machine was on. A huge line formed... I was 2nd to last in line, she was last, but for some reason the bathroom was in like a completely separate place from the plane... so while I went I was thinking about this girl and building up my confidence to ask her out... with a feeling like- if not now then it would never happen... so when I got out and she was next, I asked her and she said she was a lesbian. I think I acted like I was fine with that, but remember saying something like "Well if there is ever a small chance in your mind that you are bi, hit me up"  and she responded, "If I was bi, I'd be all over the Rastafarians."  Which we then talked about for a minute and then I woke up sad and with this song in my head.

5 or so things

One more thing that bothers me (as if you cared) is when my students share some unasked for and blatantly disrespectful “honest” opinion they have (“I think __person A____ looks like shit”) .  When asked why they bothered to share, they always say something similar to “What, I’m just being honest.”  as if that lets them off the hook for being an asshole.  –Yet that isn’t the reason it really bothers me. It bothers me because they speak of honesty as if it is sacred, as if what they are feeling or thinking in that moment will be ever-present… when clearly it won’t.  For instance maybe they are just crabby, or haven’t had enough to eat, or have a headache, or are missing information.  They refuse to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, and what’s more, they refuse to give themselves a chance to change. 

Now in the moment I think we all do this. I think it’s natural enough to have an outburst, but to then defend it and claim it as the most important thing… is silly. It is limiting, it is non-relational because it is non-negotiable and in general it serves almost no function other than to protect one’s ego, but even in that it is self-defeating.

Still, we all do it.

So tonight I got frustrated by someone’s facebook posting and made some not so nice comments, basically saying that people shouldn’t buy into this crap… but I forgot to give my friend the benefit of the doubt. I didn’t ask any question. I didn’t assume equal footing, or that he had a headache or hadn’t eaten. I assumed he was being dimwitted… and I was mad about it.  But just a few minutes later I realized I wasn’t really mad at him, I was mad at the system which divides the two of us into thinking we are against each other when in reality we are both out for the same thing. I am angry, but not at him.

Yesterday I read this thing about how in movies if you make someone appear to be an underdog they will almost always be liked by the audience (even if in reality they are not an underdog). 

A different friend had  a light stolen off his bike and he wrote something about how he had bought it to protect himself from dying, and in the first version he wrote  something to the effect of “my life is probably more important than the thief’s”  and  this bit of egocentric ranting infuriated me.  Later he changed the message (no longer his honest belief I guess) and I am glad… but I think my rage was not only for the lack of humility but also because I generally perceive someone who steals to be someone in need.  My friend is not in need… there for though it is a sad fact of life… well that’s what we get for having such inequality in our society right?  You get a $20 light stolen of the bike you ride for fun, while someone else can’t even afford a bike.  

Anyway…

You’re looking sharp. 

I should probably go to bed

I bought like 12 books in the last week. 
My credit card doesn't like me and I am over relying on my next pay check.
I agreed to perform some things next week and haven't decided on what yet.

I don't actually have anything to say.
Stadium Arcadium sounds really good to me today.

I was having such fantastic dreams that I didn't want to wake up this morning. 

As mentioned on facebook Freddy Mercury sang me this song... 

which was totally weird. Because Sage sounds nothing like Freddy Mercury, but in the dream it was Sage who had done the cover. The concert was 20 years ago and Queen was glorious and ahead of their time.

In another Alexis had decided to debut her new website, which was multifaceted with videos and stories and pictures. The website was like a whole world of information about her, as if she was a celebrity, as if everyone knew her already -but the whole website was also marshmallow themed. It was strange and eccentric but within the dream made total sense. I remember clicking on a picture and there she was in total Victorian era garb but all of the cloth was made up of varying sizes of marshmallows. Then the cat woke me up... which was mean.

Today felt good

Sometime around 4 in the morning I talked to Becky on Skype, that was nice.
I then slept for another 8 hours and woke up in the early afternoon. I spent some time doing nothing and then decided I should shave and comb my hair (seems to be something I do every 3 months now).
After that I walked to Dunn Bros where I got about half of my grading done and finished a book I started last week. I really enjoyed the book and it made me really happy.
Then I walked home with a plan to check my e mail and respond to some things I had let go, followed by two hours or so of piano practice (a very hard song, but I am getting there slowly).
Then I typed and edited a bunch of poetry from the past few years and updated the other blog.

Tomorrow I have SoT and Mothers day dinner.
I am thinking of going to see Thor.
Tuesday and Wednesday I am seeing cats from Morris.
Some of the other days are in the works.

This upcoming week I think will be rather hard and stressful again.
Work has been obnoxiously frustrating...
Mostly dealing with student issues, in addition I guess to ongoing concerns regarding testing, and other administration stuff plus this time of year we have all these added events (graduation, Cabaret benefit etc).
I had a lot of students turn in midtrimester evals, but I am still worried we will be losing a bunch of students... which means low enrollment next year and a repeated cycle of revenue losses (which means either taking on more students or losing staff -according to our administrators).

Specifically this week though we have an activity day that we still don't have completely planned out. We are thinking of making a large art project (that would take all 50 students) and a sped up video of the process. 
It seems like it will require a lot of work... and is making the whole staff tense. Anything big is going to be hard right?  
We are slowly losing some of our trouble makers (despite huge progress in many of them) but we aren't having a whole lot of students step up to provide leadership for each other... which is odd because according to research it should happen naturally.... or maybe it is happening and our leadership is leading the other way.

So this week is the activity day, next week the benefit, the following week a picnic and the following week we evals (finals) up until graduation. 
Then a week off (finally)
and then summer school -which is completely unplanned as of right now. I might try to call in every favor I have... maybe all of my brilliant friends will want to teach a class.

All I had scheduled for today was the May day parade. I assumed that I would meet up with 1 of the 5 groups of friends I have there and the day would be beautiful and exciting.

But I woke up at 12:15 and didn't really want to go.

I am not sure why, maybe because I don't feel like dealing with parking, or crowds, or expectations, or the uncomfortable cold ground, or the weather or I haven't eaten enough, or I am just not in the mood.

But this leaves me with some space.  I'm thinking coffee shop Sunday like during winter, grade some papers, start a new book, do some writing or day dreaming.  Have a wonderful day!

Tonight I contemplated writing your death song

you know the one that pours out from some primordial place in my throat

all bawling salty sting and spittle

all heartbreak, center shaking, inconsolable

lost between the nothingness of wanting to be numb 

and the nothingness of bleeding void

lost between hoping for relief, unsure that time can fill such vacancies

and with anger that time would dare try

if there are words, I am sure "no" will be featured prominently

as will that one word question.

I long for something truthful

Is it too much to ask that I find it in your face?

expectations never satisfied, for each moment creates anew

excitement builds and magnifies until 

disappointment becomes my view.

My mother says its the meaning you make of experiences

and that when you are older the difference is made plain

compassion for our young inner selves, 

reveals  realities and

inevitably relieves the strain.

But tonight I lay in my memories

child victim mocked for his excitement

looking for love in all the wrong places

stomach sick, head down

so as not to see the disgust on their faces.

Yes I long for something truthful

a moment of understanding between us

I won't say love, for of course that takes time

but just a  hint of  receptivity could allow me 

to leave the shame behind.