Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

Its amazing how such little things can make your whole world seem so dismal. I was reading about the complete and utter intentional destruction of human beings and human cultures earlier tonight, and that made me teary eyed. I was hearing about people's bad days, their rough spots, I listened to songs about racism, and oppression and saw headlines of genocide and slavery, and that got me gloomy too...
but selfishly there aren't many things that make me feel so devastated (and yet its such a regular thing) as thinking about or looking up that fetish that seems to define me-inside.

I was looking up self help groups, support groups, therapy.

One page was a mother worried about her 14 year old daughter... asking for help to cure her... and the people suggested psychiatry... but the mother said she was upset not that the daughter was.
Another an 18 yr old discussing his shame since the age of 12... and he was begging people for help stating he had the will if they had a way.

My therapist said that having a paraphilia was similar to having a differing sexual orientation... the coming out process was similarly difficult... I told him when I was 12 I had the confidence or the guts to tell people I was gay, or bi or whatever (it was easy enough because it meant standing up for others too) but I could barely talk about the other thing. Who am I standing up for? me and a bunch of folks I will never meet.

I watch this guy on youtube... hes a hypnotist. Hes kind of a weirdo... I probably wouldn't like him in real life... but at the same time I have a soft spot for him. He is foot fetishist... I don't tend to have any interest in feet, but as far as paraphilias go that is a normal one. He keeps going on facebook and youtube to defend it and it bothers me because he is right that it is not something he should be ashamed of... at the same time he is making it everyone else's business... and it seems like such a private thing. My therapist said this is the gay pride parade of fetishists... that they go overboard to reclaim what has been hidden so long. It makes sense... its just -no one wants to know.

I'm supposed to write a script, a monologue of what I would say to a friend or loved one.
I can come up with 50 different things, 50 different descriptions, 50 justifications, or the 2 or 3 I have convinced myself of for a time. This is the small step before I tell someone. You know I haven't even directly told my therapist, I don't think.
A friend of mine once got really close... she asked if I was into like 5 or 6 things and I said one or two of those... but I'm not gonna say which.

and I spent some time thinking tonight about, trying to figure out, how it was that I got that girl to love me... for a while. Wondering if there is still a part of her that does, and if any one else could, and if so... how do I get myself to believe that.
That hypnotist did a video for not being shy.... there was a part where he says "I want you to know that you are a good person... you deserve to be heard... respected" my eyes were shut but they started tearing up and my lips trembled and my jaw clenched... I don't think people are supposed to respond that way when people are trying to be nice to them.

I deleted this post once already... lets see if I post it. Thats a challenge mike.