Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

I was thinking about seeing a movie but I think I have spent too much money already today.
I spent like 60 bucks in 6 hours.
I got my laundry done... but thats only half the cash.

Today has been an odd day. I think its weird to have the day off, I slept until the time school gets out. I did some reading at the laundromat... one of the 4 things you can do there... the others being 2) try to learn spanish from the tv and all the conversations 3) people watch and eat a candy bar 4) fantasize about all the people you see there, about the would be conversations, romantic interests and life changing experiences.

I am listening to System of a Down (SOAD), its amazing how this band fits certain moods. This one being the kind of angsty-fuck it mode.
When I was folding laundry and singing along to "Spiders" (the really high parts are fun) I realized I don't get in this mood all that often anymore... and that I sort of missed it. It happens mostly on nights like these when I have spent some time alone and part of me just wants to break through the wall of self-pity and just be energized, angry etc... but I am not really angry... more just alive. SOAD is really good for feeling alive sometimes.

A friend was remarking how her dreams seem to be at odds with each other... I brought up that Mason Jennings song "which way your heart will go" because he says "where would I be right now, if all my dreams had come true" (the song is in reference to his family, and how he wouldn't have them if his dreams had come true, a sort of bittersweet realization, and yet he feels more complete without the dreams) ... I was thinking about that when I left the laundromat and how I pretty much subconsciously live by the idea that things will happen to me and be good, rather than trying to choose my way to reach them... I am not sure it is all positive... I was thinking specifically of relationships and how I have almost always allowed them to happen to me, let the other choose me, and only asked when I knew they would say yes... etc.
It requires them to be sure, to ride the wave of choice into my life, rather than me to say "I want this"
and since that hasn't happened in almost 4 years... I haven't had anything.

except friendship... lovely friends, I was also thinking (after folding laundry) that without my friends I would be a very sad person. They call me up and get me out of the house, when they are gone I am pretty much lost in myself. Illy has been gone for a week and a half and I am struggling after work with no one to talk to. I know I could call people and I occasionally I do.. but I am not very good at pushing, asking etc.
I think its funny, I spent like a week worrying that a friend was mad at me and missing her and wanting to hang out with her, but I never picked up the phone, I never texted, I barely even said anything on facebook... but when she asked me to hang out this weekend I was totally relieved and stopped worrying and everything was great, but I couldn't have just asked could I? That would be too much right?

Weird I am...
There are very few people who I feel comfortable calling... and I want more.
Another to be excited by, to feel comfortable with, to remind me I am lovable. To rely on me. To reassure me 12 times a day that they want me to call. Then maybe I could.
Then maybe I wouldn't do my laundry alone, sing alone, coffee and icecream alone, movie alone, writing to who knows who.

Not that I don't appreciate you who are reading...
But I am relying on fate and it seems fate is letting me learn my lesson for it.