this is what i looked like last night

Aa-shuu Dekei-oo

Do I really have anything to say?
Not really... just seemed like it had been a while.

Work is going well. We just had an overnight in which the kids are basically asked to stay up till about 5 am together.

I overheard conversations about drugs, school, sex, music, art, personality, cigarettes, changes at school, life, politics, sex, cigarettes, pregnancy, food, parties, movies, music, cigarettes and sex.

Its odd to be in the position where these conversations appeal and yet you cant jump right in.
For example, at one point a kid made a joke about people having sex in a room (its happened before) they said it smelled like sweat... I said I think sex smells are a little bit more distinctive, the kid then said something like "ew gross mike, get out of here... I don't want to hear my teachers talk about that." which is funny because we have a class every other day about sex.

At another point, I overheard a girl on the stairs complaining loudly that she couldnt find anyone to have sex with (that morning). She was complaining to a guy friend by yelling this.

And I thought "amen sister."

I did have some good conversations, but mainly with staff. Its so weird that there really is that disconnect between students and staff... even when there is such a small age difference.

Most of the time when I am not teaching I feel kind of awkward... I don't have a role and honestly no one wants to talk to the teacher.

One of my students is trying to get me to talk shit to him. Several of the boys tend to look for those kinds of role models, the kind they can take and give punches with. To them it means you care.

Love life is pretty much non existent. We had a woman come in and talk about STIs the other day. I think I am very attracted to people who openly talk about sex in a fun and funny way.

There are probably three people who I have thought might be interesting to get to know. The problem is, I don't make moves. Especially not at work. It wouldn't be appropriate.

Other stuff- I found out the coffee shop I wanted to go to for open mics closed. Sad.
I have been playing a lot of SPORE the computer game.
I have no life.
I think I am looking for something to do, but that doesn't require a lot of effort, thats why the computer game appeals. Its hard lately to have a lot of energy for other things. Sometimes other people.

Friends - I guess that leads me to this category. I haven't really been a very good friend lately to anyone. I am not sure why, other than I doesn't seem to have the appeal... and thats terrible. I think its also weird because now that I am in minneapolis I tend to want to hang with old friends... almost none of whom are actually available... so I don't. I think its just that in this setting I expect them, feel comfortable with them. Not that I don't have a good time with newer friends.

Politics, you know I never even registered... which means I have to go with a neighbor or roommate. The polling place is across the street. I'm excited for it to be over. Start something new. Also I am worried about the senate race. I think no matter what the country will be headed in a better direction. But I dont want James to lose. Also, a staff member was asking me about the races last night, and I went into my typical sort of "non-bias" talk that I do at school rather than my personal stuff... he said "it sounds like you are voting for Coleman" I was like, uh no, I actually cant stand that guy... I'm just so personally biased that I cant talk to people about this unless I try to be more evenhanded. I think he understood.

its a good thing the office is locked

If someone unacquainted with our school would have walked into my office today and checked out what I was looking at on my desk.. they might have been weirded out finding I was researching "chlamydia" and "evil women"


-Now I really hope someone finds this website searching for that.

So sage francis has this lyric in a song I like that i could never figure out. And now i get it. And its a crazy reference.

"there's been way too much murder, and not enough martyr,
why is it no one else wants to impress jodie foster?"

Apparently when asked why he tried to shoot ronald reagan the would be assassin (hinckley) claimed that he was trying to impress jodie foster.
What a crazy nerd reference and also totally funny and totally interesting to put in a political song.
almost on that verge of treason, but not quite.

i appear to have lost my phone.... this is bad.

train leaving gray

Super tired on wings and fries
one can of coke and a hint of sprite
laffy taffy jokes,
getting over sickness
too much politics
1 conversation about death and addiction
1 conversation about nothing.
I'll see you some time soon

lets see if we can keep these kids in school (i dont know why this is underlines.
those are my thoughts.
peace

I'm sort of glad I got sick. It makes me feel like I have an excuse for not going out.
Otherwise I would feel very loser-E.
I'm not sure if I will go out tomorrow. I have two things planned.
It will depend on how I am feeling.
I found my subconscious body language to be hilarious (right now it just seems even more dramatic) I know it offends you sometimes. I can't help it. But I find it funny because I don't even notice I am doing it till you point it out, and then when I notice, for some reason I find it comforting that my body is so in tune with my feelings.

It is strange though. My feelings/body language often conflict with my thoughts. My thoughts lately have been about someone coming over to take care of me. Cuddle under a blanket, rub my back, sip hot chocolate with. Those are my thoughts.

Everything seems like a threat when you are sick.
I feel very vulnerable.
loud noises, foul smells/tastes, the constant aches.
So I swim under the blankets, dark and warm, mother's womb, awaiting the return of my tail.

I dont know what this means, but if you can ignore the background noise, its beautiful

"Conflicted"

I'm sick so this may not be very well thought out, or make sense.
My uncle died today.
I may have mentioned this uncle before. He was 54 and lived in L.A. not far from where my mother and he grew up. My mom has lived in the midwest since she was 18. Partially because she was running away from her California home.
My uncle died today, probably of a heart attack. He was found slumped over and blue, stiff, in a hospital bed that had been his home for quite awhile. It was approximately 9AM our time when he was found and the paramedics knew they could not revived him when they got there.
My uncle has a 14 year daughter and step children who have grown up in relative poverty. He has been married for about 15-16 years to a woman who stayed by his side despite his problems, in sickness and for poorer mostly. My uncle was a funny guy. He liked to be the center of attention at times, he was sort of a party animal sometimes. He wasn't always easy to understand, it hurt to realize that at 10-12 years old we were probably smarter than he would ever be again.
My uncle started drinking when he was a teenager, and my mother started to mourn the loss of her brother then.
She hasn't stopped.
All the memories I have of this man can flash by in less than two minutes.
All the memories are good for the most part.
All the memories I have of stories people telling me take longer.
They are pretty bad for the most part.

A few months ago after talking to my uncle I got really angry. I got angry because I had to treat him like a child, when I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to shake him awake and make him realize the reasons he has to live, and the people he has to live for.
But when I realized I could never do that. I got angrier, and wanted him to die.
I wanted him to die, so that his family could live. I do not know what will happen to them now. but I have hope for them. I have hope that my cousin will be able to finish high school. That she may even go on to college. That she may be successful and maybe find someone to treat her well.

My family keeps using the term "conflicted".
Because they feel hurt at the loss, but they are so sure that his suffering needed to end (partially so that it would end the suffering of those he lived with).

My mom and my grama spent years of their lives trying to help him and failed. I don't think they care about that, but I want them to care about my cousin. Because they can still succeed with her.

I hate the idea that this girl should have the same opportunities and shot at happiness that we have, but has been held back by her own father. I'm not saying happiness comes with money, I'm saying I want her to know that there is a better life than having an abusive, addict, father who has been slowly killing himself her whole life (with the whole range of awfulness that comes with that)
and that she deserves better.


******added after************
I sound so harsh. Its so easy to cut yourself off from the idea of humanity, especially in the name of humanity.

How do we respect those who have lived?

Uncle,
At the news of death
women ought to be screaming and crying, rubbing your body for the traces of warmth that slip away... who cares about colors and funeral arrangements... who cares at all? The hero has move on.. Men, tightly holding themselves back, only to embrace in the strongest hugs that whisper "Please don't let go right now! my strength is gone, I have no will and no pride left..."
Words unsaid, the gleam off an eye, the strain of the voice, the voiceless. The senselessness.

As the arrangements are made
Even the timid should want the best. The gold and silver, the flowers and prayers. He shall be wrapped in silks and laid out on a hand carved wooden bed. The flame or dirt will take him as we sing of his glory. Sing how things won't ever be the same again, the clouds seem darker, the trees so rigid, the mountains so much more intimidating.

At the mourning
the dark should infiltrate the eyes and skin of those you leave behind, their sadness so deep and intense that no cheek is un-wet, their hair shed, their heart burst, they should fall all over themselves with despair.

At the celebration
they should speak in weeps loud and unfiltered of your beauty, with smiles that tremble, the emotions so thick with the warmth you have shed that the room of gathered still feel wrapped in your presence, the sheltered, the secured. They beam and sparkle having known you, having experienced your wild, your steadfastness, your strength.
And the many who were touched should tell stories till the morning,
dance and drink like their movement alone, was the radiance of the moon.
They should leave still feeling the loss though with renewed connection,
with a spirit like yours, heartily joking, greeting the dawn with hope for the better.

Oh uncle,

Where is your grand funeral march?

limits

I feel very limited right now. Just my head getting in the way.
My throat hurts. I am somewhat tired.
I have no plans tonight.
It might have been better to have left town already, but I thought I might have plans with others.
Tomorrow I am going to a movie instead of snapping pictures of drunken zombies.
It will probably be cold. All I have been doing is watching cats play, sitting on the computer and watching movies.
Its a pretty slow existence.
I tried to be artsy but didn't have anything to do..
My voice hurts so I can't record poetry.
There are no websites updating frequently enough for me not to get bored.

I should have bought a computer game yesterday.
instead I bought a swiffer.

Today was pay day and I didn't even have to be at work.
I wonder if I get paid the same next week...?

Sometimes I am tempted to think I make a lot of money. Then I hear from people who are bartending or waiting and make twice as much as I do. Its sad/funny.

maybe I will play comp games...

I am listening to a song called one sweet duet. its nice.

A hypothetical on death

Today I had one of those long day dream scenarios I used to have in my head all the time. I was driving to my dad's house. And the thought occurred to me... "If you found out you had cancer, and the odds were not necessarily in your favor either way, would you even bother seeking treatment?" This also turned into... "If you needed an organ donation and your spot on the list meant someone else died (likely) would you put yourself on the list?"

Now I know that most friends and family and even my doctors would probably think I was crazy to even consider not doing it... (as I most likely would also try to talk any friend/family into the treatment option) but I couldn't shake the idea of keeping my death option open.

For a long time I was justifying it with things like... well I have lived a good life, I dont have children or anyone depending on me etc. (where as other people in the position may have people depending on them... -so they should get the organ, or treatment... or a child needs the help more than I do... because I have enjoyed life.

But on the way home from my dads, the thought came up again... this time in darker terms... and I started thinking... would I even tell anyone?
Would they feel betrayed after I died and had been telling them I had the flu or something...?
-and then I realized that I would probably leave a long detailed account of why I came to the decision I did. Complete with the answers above, and several admissions of guilt and shame and other things.
Thinking through that I got really emotional, and realized that despite having a good life, being happy, and generally being perceived as a decent person. I still strongly feel disconnected by choices and nonchoices in my life. Furthermore, I think I felt like the great relief of not having to worry about these things, would be a pleasant thing, even if it meant my death of natural causes.
Like a nice way out of consequences that may never come, but regardless a permanent weight.

3 more thoughts.

1) My hope is that in letting go of this information, those who know me would truly know me.. and if they still cared they might use that understanding to help people around them deal with the mistakes and circumstances of their lives. None of us are perfect, we all feel this way, acknowledge and accept that we are making life too hard by carrying all this guilt and shame, and by treating people who are different this way -we only further the cycle of pain.

2) It is important for me to say, I am not unhappy right now, I am actually very happy. But knowing that I am happy and that life still seems this difficult I imagine and feel very humbled when thinking about those around me who are struggling with these issues and who are not happy. I imagine that suicide, and other self destructive behaviors seem like a great release in some ways... And I understand why they feel the need to do so... though I do not wish to take on these measures myself . I am not suicidal, nor can I imagine ever being truly suicidal. In this hypothetical the idea of death being natural and quick, seems to be a important concept. I am entirely sure I would change my mind given the actual circumstances. But hypothetically, natural death doesn't seem scary to me right now.

3) A friend of mine recently seemed shocked when I told her that I dont feel comfortable or confident when interacting with strangers. My words were something like "I don't imagine that I actually have anything to offer them." I have been trying to figure out if I truly believe this or am just not confident enough right now to approach people. I think in the end it seems like a giant combination of factors that make it seem like too much possibility of negative outcomes (rejection, lack of interest, boredom, confusion, etc) if something should happen... thus I don't make things happen. Still I realize a huge part of my fear, is based on these negative traits of myself and my life that strongly discourage me from engaging with other people, for fear that I will be rejected because of who I am.
This makes me realize that although I have followed my goals in life, pursued causes I thought noble, given to friends and girlfriends as best I could, been a part of families and organizations, workplaces etc etc etc. I am still strongly aware that I am living a sort of double life. I don't like it, I don't know how to change it. I see very little remedy given the idea of what is normal in this society, and I have very few opportunities to meet and connect with people who are more compatible. Therefor... a natural, innocent death in which my life/death could be used for good, seems like a good logical choice after living such a blessed happy life. Already I have used the "negative" parts of my life to make positive relationships and help me and others understand those who might be "different," if my death did the same... wouldn't that be good?

then I'll grind his girl, on the dance floor.

That was for all the fans of a certain web comic.


Also

I been thinking about dominating the news cycle lately.

-I was never good at quoting things... but political cartoons and quotes seem to be coming easy lately.
Check out the sarah palin vlogs (from the beginning, they are awesome!)

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.


I think you need to have this link in order for this post to make sense.

So cold

we now have a new roommate, Josh. And a new cat, Hector. Hector is checking out my room right now, he seems a bit cautious, but he is also moving in on another cat's territory, and Savannah is letting him know that she is not happy about it. Pretty soon they will be marking their territory on my bed. I am sure of it.

a dream

I was sneaking into a party an ex girlfriend was having. She seemed to be the leader of this group that invited anyone from anywhere. The house was huge and dark and creepy and weird, later in the dream it wasn't a house at all, more like a large factory.
The house seemed like something you might find in a movie about the deep south (not a plantation house, but a sort of in the middle of the swamp large house). Anyway the party was underway and I was meeting people, enjoying myself but aware that I might be caught at any moment. Unsure if she would be happy or kick me out. At a few points I swore she should have recognized me, but no reaction. After a few hours I became sort of disheartened and walked down a long hall (which started to look like a large warehouse, in which the sides had walk ways. I was on one, and crossed over to the other.
I met a man there he told me we were spies.
I was anxious to get back to the party because I knew she would be singing soon.
But the man, told me to go over my actions again, and this time when I walked across it was a different man, being held by three goons, and when he showed them his tongue he had pills (ready to swallow). A closer examination showed that they were the most extreme form of hallucinogen and in an extreme dosage they were beyond lethal, he was a doctor and knew exactly what would happen to him if he swallowed those pills. Not death, but something far worse. His skin would turn multicolor. The pain caused in his dreams would be so realistic that he would no longer feel physical pain (thus torture would not work) but he would need to spend the rest of his life seeking out a pain killed (that had not been found or invented yet). I realized his high position as a research doctor allowed him to blackmail them with his own life/mind. They wouldn't touch him.
The next phase of the dream got even weirder.
Another man started running, and I followed, for I wasn't just a spy, I was a superhero spy.
I was part of a threesome of male superhero spies who had crazy weapons and could fly and do all sorts of weird shit. We chased the individual with ease, but at one point a female hero (with similar powers) was also chasing him and seemed to be competing with us. I was sure she got those powers from me (familiar *wink*), and that my partners did not know her.
Anyway, the man made it to some sort of suburban house/meeting point (because we let him). and we all busted in through the windows (unaware of pain, physically impervious?)
We laughed at the room full of men who tried to escape, all in blue track suits.
One man shit himself, and then claimed that he couldn't be taken to jail because of it.
We laughed. They were so clearly out gunned and so clearly guilty of whatever crime a superhero spy would investigate.

I think I might be clenching my teeth at night. I used to grind them. I wake up and my jaw hurts. I need more water.

I have been looking up prices for vacations. Maybe I should take shorter trips, but make them just as fantastic.


At some point last night I had a dream about some dude from france I met once... he was calling me, seemed vaguely familiar but weirded me out. Made it seem as if we were best friends or something. I feel that way about facebook a lot. Its hard to measure and come to terms with the influence you may have had on someone at some point.
Right now I feel like doing some cleaning of the facebook... "dude I met you once and we havent spoken in 3 years. Do we really need to be friends?"

materialism and other moody jazz

I spent an hour and a half at a laundromat today doing my laundry. It had been anywhere from 3 weeks to a month. How do I know that? I had 30 t shirts in the wash.
It cost me like 17 bucks. Which I was willing to pay so that i could avoid the 5-6 hours it would have taken me at my parents house. While I was thinking about how much money that was, I decided to see how many hours of work it cost me. Don't ever do this. I realized today that I make a little more than 10 bucks after taxes. If I had bills and loans and all that I would be fucked with this amount of money. As it is a third of my money goes to taxes and insurance. A third of what is left goes to rent. Another third goes to gas and food. leaving me with a third of the 2/3s (after taxes) for anything fun I want to do. New cds, etc.
Realizing this I was frustrated. Then realized I have a month's worth of clothes... and got more frustrated.
Who needs a month worth of clothes? Wouldn't I be better off with say 2 weeks worth of t shirts, and a few sweatshirts I wear every day. I already have cut the amount of pants I wear down to about 5 pairs (per month) as I tend to wear one each week.
But then I thought about how our society pushes you to wear something new every day. Something clean. I wear 3 shirt a day now that it is cold. 1 t shirt, 1 long sleeve, 1 sweatshirt/sweater. Thats a lot of fucking clothes. And by the standards of our society they are needed.
I know I am just moody today. I don't know why, I mean I don't have anything to actually complain about... I am complaining about having too much right now. Thats how sad my life is.
But I think its just feeling exhausted and drained of energy. Then I eat candy and pop which totally helps things!(exclamation point = sarcasm)
My fortune cookies tried to cheer me up. one said I was beautiful and should use that to my advantage, which I thought was sort of gross. One said I have common sense and a lot of charm... thanks fortune cookie. One said my moment of glory will soon be here -which I hope it doesn't because A) I am not wanting any glory B) it would suck to have my "moment of glory" when I am feeling grumpy.


I am just not interested... and that sucks.
This movie I watched last night had a character who was struggling with anger, his wife asked him why. In a moment of honest he said "because I'm impotent." She said not really all that often... he said "not sexually impotent, just impotent."

I thought that was kind of a beautiful use of the word.

righteous, anyway... moody nothingness, I should find something real to complain about.

ha that was supposed to say finger, but its funnier this way.

my finder hurts from smearing oil pastel

Sometimes I miss the feeling of taking care of someone, being interested in them, giving them attention, Feeling like my life has some sort of purpose in pursuing another person's pleasure...

Tonight I feel lonely and i miss the feeling of someone being interested in me, wanting to make me happy etc.

I seem to have obligations this weekend, but nothing I am super looking forward to. I guess I have been looking forward to seeing Illy, but we are both so busy these days.

Becky is having an art crawl at her place. Its hectic. Awkward to be there right now. Hard to interpret looks and handshakes. Hard to know what people are thinking and feeling.

Im gonna watch a movie and go back to bed.

ah the rules of the blog making.

I am supposed to update. I'm not sure what to say.
There are some wonderful videos of the RNC and DNC I will be posting on here soon. Not by me, but by a indy media group I like.

Today I had some students watch Tuesday's debate... they thought it was pretty boring. Last time I showed them ten minutes and they asked for more. 30 minutes was apparently too much. If I do it again, I am showing selective clips.

A former student is interviewing me on facebook chat about being a non traditional teacher right now... thats funny, also using facebook chat to talk about non traditional teaching is funny.

Just had dinner with krystin at kfc, which was delicious. I think we probably need to hang out more so that we can talk beyond just catching up.

Hmmm... we are going to have a new roommate next week. And apparently a new cat.

Um, work is going well. I had to kick a kid out of school today. That was not fun. But maybe he will get the message... we arent being mean, we are trying to get him to engage in something.


UH... life... I really do need to get out and see more people. I am falling into old habits that although enjoyable are not exactly healthy.
Thats it for now... whatever.

oh what a circus

Sorry about that last one. I think I shouldn't talk about things I don't know about... on the other hand, sometimes I like to record the things I am thinking about.

I am very tired. It is 7:24 in the morning and I get to leave for work in about ten minutos.

I had a dream in which I owned a young cow. it looked somewhat like a large dog. Big enough to sit on and ride around. In some ways kind of like an Ox. I felt very confident around with my cow.
I sort of miss my cow.

I had many other good dreams.

its end I can not see.

Um thoughts

Alexis is in town, or was in town.

I asked if she would be willing to see me. I didn't pressure, cuz I didn't think that was fair. But she said she would be too busy. I can imagine circumstances in which she might be too busy, but part of me is pretty sure she could have made time. One can always make time right? So I felt a little sad that she didn't want to make time, but hey I also understand that.
I often wonder what it would be like to see her again.
Sometimes we seem to get along really well. Sometimes she is very mad at me. Sometimes I am very distrusting of her. We don't talk all that often, I wish we could, but I don't even know what I have to say to her. Just that I miss who she is sometimes and kind of want to see that person.
So I wonder if we were to see each other whether we would connect at all. Would we be so worried that we wouldn't allow it, would we be easy going. Part of me imagines that it could be like when we first met. Two people that have a lot of mutual interests, people who try to be nice to others, creative people, we could connect about the world and the people we have met since the last time we saw each other.
Other times I imagine that we would be pretty turned off by each other. One of us too defensive and the other taking that as an attack. Maybe we would be confused. Maybe we would assume too much (like I know the REAL you) when of course that isn't necessarily true anymore. I don't think of myself as someone who changes a whole lot. I don't think I am all that different, but the Mike she met when we first knew each other was apparently not the Mike that couldn't be there a year later, and I'm sure if that was a change then maybe now (almost two years later) I must be a different person.
Two years (in a month) thats a long time.
Long enough for people to forgive? To move on.
She seems to be happier, which is what I like to think about. I don't really know though of course, not like I get regular reports. But I am interested in the things she finds satisfying now.
The things that make her happy.

The only other ex I don't talk to was another really odd break up (ah highschool). I still saw her, sometimes she seemed like we were still dating "I forgot" she would say... and not ask for forgiveness for making me uncomfortable. Within a few months she stopped talking to me altogether, but she left me a note when I went to Europe, wishing me the best, giving me straight forward advice.
I have seen her a few times since then, in which she made it pretty obvious she didn't want to talk to me. I was still interested. Still interested.


All this makes me wonder if I am or will be ready for a new partner...
I can't get over the past.

Seasonal Change

A number of friends recently had break ups. I am sure that most of these were ongoing processes that suddenly changed, but I am also sure that the time of year is significant.

Its hard to be so busy, and so far away from all of them. I haven't really even talked to any body. i don't know how they are doing. Now is the time to have faith in them, but also not overlook the pain that is almost inevitable in any breakup.
Becky reminds me that these changes aren't necessarily bad. They offer hope for better relationships. Cynical in a positive way.
Though I agree, I am skeptical about this idea at first. Skeptical that people will see it that way.

anyway...

In a few months people will hook up with someone new for winter.

-and as for me... I have a meeting to get to in NE minneapolis... at 7:30 in the fucking morning.