A hypothetical on death

Today I had one of those long day dream scenarios I used to have in my head all the time. I was driving to my dad's house. And the thought occurred to me... "If you found out you had cancer, and the odds were not necessarily in your favor either way, would you even bother seeking treatment?" This also turned into... "If you needed an organ donation and your spot on the list meant someone else died (likely) would you put yourself on the list?"

Now I know that most friends and family and even my doctors would probably think I was crazy to even consider not doing it... (as I most likely would also try to talk any friend/family into the treatment option) but I couldn't shake the idea of keeping my death option open.

For a long time I was justifying it with things like... well I have lived a good life, I dont have children or anyone depending on me etc. (where as other people in the position may have people depending on them... -so they should get the organ, or treatment... or a child needs the help more than I do... because I have enjoyed life.

But on the way home from my dads, the thought came up again... this time in darker terms... and I started thinking... would I even tell anyone?
Would they feel betrayed after I died and had been telling them I had the flu or something...?
-and then I realized that I would probably leave a long detailed account of why I came to the decision I did. Complete with the answers above, and several admissions of guilt and shame and other things.
Thinking through that I got really emotional, and realized that despite having a good life, being happy, and generally being perceived as a decent person. I still strongly feel disconnected by choices and nonchoices in my life. Furthermore, I think I felt like the great relief of not having to worry about these things, would be a pleasant thing, even if it meant my death of natural causes.
Like a nice way out of consequences that may never come, but regardless a permanent weight.

3 more thoughts.

1) My hope is that in letting go of this information, those who know me would truly know me.. and if they still cared they might use that understanding to help people around them deal with the mistakes and circumstances of their lives. None of us are perfect, we all feel this way, acknowledge and accept that we are making life too hard by carrying all this guilt and shame, and by treating people who are different this way -we only further the cycle of pain.

2) It is important for me to say, I am not unhappy right now, I am actually very happy. But knowing that I am happy and that life still seems this difficult I imagine and feel very humbled when thinking about those around me who are struggling with these issues and who are not happy. I imagine that suicide, and other self destructive behaviors seem like a great release in some ways... And I understand why they feel the need to do so... though I do not wish to take on these measures myself . I am not suicidal, nor can I imagine ever being truly suicidal. In this hypothetical the idea of death being natural and quick, seems to be a important concept. I am entirely sure I would change my mind given the actual circumstances. But hypothetically, natural death doesn't seem scary to me right now.

3) A friend of mine recently seemed shocked when I told her that I dont feel comfortable or confident when interacting with strangers. My words were something like "I don't imagine that I actually have anything to offer them." I have been trying to figure out if I truly believe this or am just not confident enough right now to approach people. I think in the end it seems like a giant combination of factors that make it seem like too much possibility of negative outcomes (rejection, lack of interest, boredom, confusion, etc) if something should happen... thus I don't make things happen. Still I realize a huge part of my fear, is based on these negative traits of myself and my life that strongly discourage me from engaging with other people, for fear that I will be rejected because of who I am.
This makes me realize that although I have followed my goals in life, pursued causes I thought noble, given to friends and girlfriends as best I could, been a part of families and organizations, workplaces etc etc etc. I am still strongly aware that I am living a sort of double life. I don't like it, I don't know how to change it. I see very little remedy given the idea of what is normal in this society, and I have very few opportunities to meet and connect with people who are more compatible. Therefor... a natural, innocent death in which my life/death could be used for good, seems like a good logical choice after living such a blessed happy life. Already I have used the "negative" parts of my life to make positive relationships and help me and others understand those who might be "different," if my death did the same... wouldn't that be good?