Um thoughts

Alexis is in town, or was in town.

I asked if she would be willing to see me. I didn't pressure, cuz I didn't think that was fair. But she said she would be too busy. I can imagine circumstances in which she might be too busy, but part of me is pretty sure she could have made time. One can always make time right? So I felt a little sad that she didn't want to make time, but hey I also understand that.
I often wonder what it would be like to see her again.
Sometimes we seem to get along really well. Sometimes she is very mad at me. Sometimes I am very distrusting of her. We don't talk all that often, I wish we could, but I don't even know what I have to say to her. Just that I miss who she is sometimes and kind of want to see that person.
So I wonder if we were to see each other whether we would connect at all. Would we be so worried that we wouldn't allow it, would we be easy going. Part of me imagines that it could be like when we first met. Two people that have a lot of mutual interests, people who try to be nice to others, creative people, we could connect about the world and the people we have met since the last time we saw each other.
Other times I imagine that we would be pretty turned off by each other. One of us too defensive and the other taking that as an attack. Maybe we would be confused. Maybe we would assume too much (like I know the REAL you) when of course that isn't necessarily true anymore. I don't think of myself as someone who changes a whole lot. I don't think I am all that different, but the Mike she met when we first knew each other was apparently not the Mike that couldn't be there a year later, and I'm sure if that was a change then maybe now (almost two years later) I must be a different person.
Two years (in a month) thats a long time.
Long enough for people to forgive? To move on.
She seems to be happier, which is what I like to think about. I don't really know though of course, not like I get regular reports. But I am interested in the things she finds satisfying now.
The things that make her happy.

The only other ex I don't talk to was another really odd break up (ah highschool). I still saw her, sometimes she seemed like we were still dating "I forgot" she would say... and not ask for forgiveness for making me uncomfortable. Within a few months she stopped talking to me altogether, but she left me a note when I went to Europe, wishing me the best, giving me straight forward advice.
I have seen her a few times since then, in which she made it pretty obvious she didn't want to talk to me. I was still interested. Still interested.


All this makes me wonder if I am or will be ready for a new partner...
I can't get over the past.