me and the quil and johnny are doing the beatles... as i pass...
some are dead and some are living, in my life i've loved them all

dont read this if you arent ready for some emo bullshit.




I think i have been lying or covering up something for far too long... and by lying i dont mean i havent said it, i just havent blown up enough.


I love too many people. I love them whole heartedly, its that love that gets me in to trouble... it causes me to hurt people (not intentionally) but in what i feel are their self interests... im egotistical that way, always have been.

I still love them. I hurt them, i chase them away, I am rejected by them, i fail them... i still love them. and it sucks. I hate it, i love it too but i hate it... because im not supposed to spend my days and thoughts and feelings wondering about others... im supposed to think about me... but i dont particularly like me. I often am disgusted with me. so what am I saying...im obsessive... and hurt, and not very happy.
what further pisses me off... is that I know all the people who I love, feel the same way... thats what i hate, because i want them too (in self interest) but it also pains me to think about them hurting, and when i say pains me, i do actually mean pain. physical mental emotional

and im no different than any of you... and it hurts. I hate that some people love me, i hate it because i am so bad too them (for them), at the same time i cant stand the idea of them hating me. because i cant live without them, and when i do, i dont. I obsess about them.


everything is fine because it is, and i hate it. I hate school, I hate how i dont care, I hate how loving someone makes me hurt another person, and how anyone i love would make me choose as if i could. as if i fucking have a choice in the matter!?!?!

i hate the idea of people i love hurting themselves... it hurts me. it makes me stay up all night thinking about it. it makes me have bad dreams, it makes me draw and write shit i dont like to see, it makes me cry, it makes me pray, sometimes it makes me punch walls, and more often makes me skip meals.

I hate when people expect me to have an answer, but i always put them in to that position... my family all expects me to help steve... well i cant, i want to, i will, but i feel like shit everyday, i cant help him when i feel like shit.
why did we put him in that position?
why do we do things to ourselves that hurt us, or help us - but hurt everyone around us- thus hurting us.

im not positive all the time... thats the lie. part of the reason i keep obsessing lately about my death is that im sick of it. im not gonna hurt myself, but i dont seem to be helping all that much... and alicia has anger in her voice when she tells me im being an idiot for not eating, for eating poorly. and she seemed happy when i decide to make a good decision... maybe its just because she wants to do it for herself... maybe its cuz she wants me to have the same self respect.
But I never have... when im up, i dont need to be good to myself -im fully satisfied with the beauty around me, when im down i dont care. i deserve it.

I hate the pain, but the pain is what i get, so when i reach over and clench my stomach and groan, well hey. i shouldnt have been an asshole.

when i die, i hope they attribute my death to its actual cause and not me not taking care of myself... i was too busy *thinking* i was taking care of other shit.
(what an asshole)
And that day will be a good day.
the best of me and whatevers left will spill out and replenish the grass.


and lastly... I want my love to be equal, but want each person to think they are the most special.
but fuck that. you are the most special when you are honestly convinced that everyone else is. (in humility not self hatred)

thats your most beautiful. thats when god shines through.

Mrs. Bohnsack died yesterday.... I will probably write something later...
She was a teacher at SLP for many many years... and almost everyone i know has at least one story.... quite a character. me and my brothers all had her... I know steve sent her a picture and a note... I intended to, never got around to knowing what to say... I guess I should have just said thanks for the good times.
Its hard to tell people. people who are scattered all over, and some get hit hard cuz they hadnt a clue... and others knew it was coming and are saddened the same.

this is the note from one of our other teachers, I camped on this guys yard one night without his official approval. This is the kind of school i went to, and the kind that made me want to be a teacher.

Staff,

Denny Bohnsack called on Monday evening to say that Marion
had died peacefully on Monday afternoon. It was such a
beautiful spring day, I think Marion wanted to go for a
walk. Denny said he would call later with the date and
time for the memorial. Marion started teaching in St.
Louis Park at Central Junior High in 1969. She touched
many students' lives during her years at Park. She
retired from Park on November 3, 2006. She was 59 years
old. She was a great colleague and we will all miss her.

Bruce McLean

and then we went to perkins -things i learned:
Will sings funny songs.
laurel (even when not singing along) cues in and does sound effects
tracy speaks in sign language
speaks of splicing glow traits - playing god
the skulls are especially scary because they are horse skulls and they are mummies.
dont press the red button at the airport
you too can have a cool tattoo, you just have to bring quarters.

Sort of amazed how emotionally drained I am, after a conversation with my brother.
leaves a person feeling pretty lost and lonely. burdened

you know you are pretty screwed up in the head when in a matter of minutes you can go from being perfectly content and happy to a weird mixture of discontent, confused frustrated without any trigger at all.

"they're lonely" (talking about the whales)--- You're lonely!

~thats a brian regan bit for those of you not in the know.

from james

"When are we going to see the turtles movie?

You know what's rare? An asian girl with a big butt.

So if you are ever thinking about dating a girl whose family has goats, here is something to keep in mind. One day you might show up at the family's house for dinner, and on your way in your girlfriend might stop to look and see if the goats have food. She may or may not find that one of the goats has his horn caught in the floor and is stuck, and is therefore weak and unable to move. That goat will likely be in a pile of it's own poop and pee, mixed in with some food, mud, and general goat slop. Now you may feel bad, and as your girlfriend is asking you to, you may try to help the goat. You may decide to try to pick up the goat and move it to the wall where it can lean, get some food and water, and stay off it's bad side. If all those things happen, you may have to grab the goats stomach and back and pick it up, thus getting poop, pee, mud, and goat slop all over yourself. You may change clothes, but you may still smell the stench a day later.

I'm not saying you shouldn't date the girl, she might be amazing and you might be all about her, in which case it may all be worth it. However, just think about that going in, if her family has goats and all."

when i first started listening to Rent i was really into roger and mimi, later I loved collins, beautiful tragic... of course everyone loves angel... but over the past few years i have found myself really identifying with mark.

I saw this on post secret.... which you should aways check out every sunday



I immediately though "yeah i hope my hair is helping someone..."

Something out of ezra's playbook.


I have something like a million pages to read for 1 of my classes but thats not till tuesday and i have already done over half my homework for monday... so im off the hook right?

It feels like spring, in all its confused and anxious glory, and around me people are trying to change their habits, their winter coats, shed layers, shed trauma... me im caught up and wound pretty much looking for escape or something new.

I need to write about 6 people, I need to call a few, I need to look in to 3-4 schools. and I need to start some research papers. but I woke up at 4:30 and cleaned part of my room.. so that will have to do.

Removing hinges and tape, for the repaint.

johnny when u gonna kick that hole in the sky?

March Music Madness Woot!!!
(yeah... or not.)


What a weird night.
we went out to dinner, a bunch of us, trying to go to dons and settling for pizza ranch when dons was full and not even standing room was available.
At the ranch we dined, greasy, also packed, and watched our swearing my roommates and T Roy and tom and Janelle’s friend and Rachel and Emily for a time...
a weird gathering, but fun none the less... and so many could not or would not go to the concert... so me and Mel and Emily went...

5 bands: (a critique)

the one from Morris needs a rhythm section, they are probably three of our most talented musicians right now on campus, but they all go their own way, and unlike in a jam band none of them keep the steadiness... so it ends up sounding awkward a little too much, no hooks or rhythm and no pop sensibility... for three talented musicians you would think they would figure that out.

Next was a band they snuck in... I forget their name Baker london from chicago... i bought cds... they were the most entertaining all night, 5 performers with funny/terrible lyrics... the singer made stupid jokes, and because they were young and liberal and whatever he got away with it... (I will tell you why this is upsetting later)

The next band was 2 of the members from the 2nd one... these guys were also from Chicago i presume... and they were alright, but less entertaining.

the 4th band might have been the most rocking, they were called history from Minneapolis a three piece not as out there talented as our trio who started but they held it together better... in fact sometimes they might have had too much plain rhythm section.... and no singing as far as i remember... but they had t shirts

the 5th band, the one people came to see, was alright... they had maybe one song i liked... but the crowd either loved them or hated them -but both sections decided to make the most of it, so they had the most dancing the most moshing the most everything... at one point the singer got in to the audience on his knees and a crowd around him dropped to theirs, and they sang the chorus to the song... and it was ridiculous and gross because they were singing something like -love is great till you get cancer and die....
anyway i know half the kids were mocking them... and it was funny, but also just kind of stupid.


(*************************************************

ME... concert and the after party

I had like 5-6 girls who I really like, as friends there....
but like I do when I’m excited or social I made some stupid jokes... making everything just a little uncomfortable...
I also spent the evening, an emotionally charged exciting, drunken college evening on a warm day around a bunch of sexually charged college students... and i being one of them... was hating the fact that i was a man.

I ended up going back to Kristi and Anna’s place with the bands and a bunch of other peoples. and it was really fun/interesting, then a little scary as more and more Morris kids went home, and i realized Kristi would be alone with her passed out roommate and basically a house full of boys she didn’t know...
and some of them had said things, and tried to do things... already.

so i warned Anna before she passed out, I told Kristi. I talked to Erin about it.

the band kids were interesting... that mix of (rock n roll -I want to think of you highly) and (rock n roll -you have given up your life for drugs and stupid bullshit... and you wont make it, and is this really living? and did you run away? and do you try to take advantage of women? why are you an asshole? why are you so interesting?)

we talked about stupid shit, and funny shit, and real shit.

And I watched some of the girls swoon for these assholes, and I watched some of the guys talk music with the boys because they cared... and I watched 2 of the boys make out and thought how beautiful, and then watched them try to make an argument for why white women were the worst people on earth to two white women, (both men, being white boys birthed of white women) both boys having just joked amongst themselves how they were planning on having sex with a drunk girl -together.
And I thought what stupid bullshit men are.

then a girl in skirt told me what kind of underwear she had on... and when she told me i didn’t want to know... and actually told her to stop three times while she was saying it ... but she was too drunk to listen, and though i know im an asshole and had been wondering, when it came down to it, I didnt want to know because that was private...and i tried to stop her from saying anything because it wasnt necessary, it was stupid, and she told me because she was drunk, and some guy from the bands had asked... so of course she had to spread the secret... and I thought what bullshit men are... and I’m one of them...

and then another girl who i barely know walked me home, and we ranted about the situation, then asked about majors, and then joked about the what ifs of flirting, cuz she hadnt had a good night and needed a pick me up... but i was too absent minded to help her, and I told her i would only flirt with her and then leave her years later heartbroken because im an asshole who has morals about doing stuff with people i don’t love, and she told me she was going to steal my checkbook... because I’m an asshole, then she dropped me off at my door.. and made sure i was home safe. and i was thankful, because i honestly am afraid of the dark and its nice to have someone walk you home, but she walked off on her own.




I was talking to Alicia about it earlier.... college parties, college sex...

one of the things that amazes me, is that I haven’t done anything in like the past 5-6 years that I regretted -simply because it was stupid... sure I have made mistakes... and my mistakes have hurt people... some really bad. but in comparison to the guys I see everywhere... to the ones who take advantage, to the ones who when they sweet talk the princess then become lazy assholes.... to the abusers, to the addicts, to the guys who just don’t get it, to the guys who don’t care, to the guys who are so self obsessed... I’m not actually that bad... but I’m still one of them... and i hate it.
And I hate when they are proud of it. and I hate when women give in, or are left with no other choice... I hate that I can be a reasonably good guy and send some friends I love off to another man to be treated like shit, and then they return and go "why cant i find a guy like you?" and I go.... well the girls who have had me complained too (with good reason) but I know im sending them out to the wolves again. and I know that there are good men out there. and I hope my loves find them. because I cant stand the thought that us weak men are the only choice... because they deserve a lot better.

and I don’t say that putting women on a pedestal... those guys point tonight was that white women have followed and supported white men on their reign of terror.... and I asked what choice they had? when we were all that was available...

I guess, I wanted to confess, to complain, to be pissy. but I’m sick of good people turning bad in moments of weakness.. then struggling their whole lives to make those bad choices into positive outcomes. It shouldn’t be that way. it should be positive choices that bring about positive outcomes... no tampering or mental strength required.... but i haven’t mastered it yet either. I fight and fight myself... and the girls I asked about it tonight, said "well mike you are human".... and like always I thought, that’s no excuse for acting like an asshole.
but we always do. stupid fucking men.

and no i didn’t drink tonight.

sorry for any names dropped... or hints of things... i tried to be semi discreet.

The weirdest thing just happened.... i got an e mail that a guy wanted to buy some of my artwork.... weird... too bad its not for sale.

isnt this crazy? thats hair growth in like a month... or something.... oh and im graduating...

if god had made thunderstorms like showers... all warm and wonderful... there would be a lot more people dancing... and naked.

I was trying to go to bed real early.... partially cuz i was bored, partially because of the headache... I read some homework.... fell asleep...was woken a half an hour later by the washing machine... oh well.

Now i cant get back... amongst thoughts of fires, and spiritual ceremonies, and people, and desires, I was trying not to be on the internet all night. I guess I am a failure. My mom called and was disappointed for me, but more disappointed I think that I hadnt told her i didnt get the teach for america gig...
I forget who i tell sad things to.

it was only days ago I was day dreaming about making a book of poetry, something like adrianne's though never expecting to outdo her or anything... i mean i was aware i am a shitty poet, i was just thinking about how fun it is, and how much i actually do love to play with words some times... and then tonight I was reading my homework and I hated everything poets stood for, because they have ruined it with names and attempts and it has lost its magic. or maybe thats just how i felt at the time... something so much more soothing about singing a rhyme in your car, or tapping your foot to piece you are scribbling... no attempts to capture the proper (insert vocab word here) I hate that, i hate that they have codefied every little word choice and phrase, every line fits a style every syllable means something... to those perfect poet acadamians... but my verse comes out with flow and thats all that i go for.
like the song i sang this afternoon in my car, putting words in that imagined girls mouth, as she explored the beauty of her flowetry. and because i have no memory she is gone, except a picture in my mind.

*****

and on that note... do i think in pictures? I dont remember words and things people said, but i often dont remember actions either... maybe just still shots. and usually something dramatic is not just the picture but whatever i imagined that emotion looked like at the time.

For example... when julie and sarah reminded me a week ago of an event that happened in jr high, i didnt remember the event, the word nor even being there, but i did remember a still shot of them sneaking into the bathroom and me posting up nearby...
and apparently that was that...
(They apparently found some pictures of some of the popular girls modeling or something, and put them in the boys bathroom)
a jr high crime, and I didnt even remember....

my memory really is awful... i been trying to remember the lyrics to this song... i remember some, but not full lines... i think i need to visualize them in an order...

sort of weird look to it.... but this song is always beautiful

I was trying to remember the 12 sons of Jacob... and i decided i like the names Issachar and Naphtali
but gad kept coming in to my mind...

Oh man im an addict... i cant get away... i fucking fell asleep reading my homework and went back for a fix.
i was in such a good mood a few days ago... and then it all went down hill... and now im back fixating.
I am learning the fucking song.

I havent written the poem.

I havent written the paper, nor read the book.

I havent yet gutted myself.


Doomtree was sweet. Steve was worrying me at times.

mel and joel, that was unexpected but good... and russ.. what a kid, looks the same as two years ago.

and we return all chopped up...

and i sing in my car. and i "fallout of love again (and) my dreams all end."

but soon the hills will swallow us up right john?

im amazed by the things i didnt get done this week... like i didnt do my fun homework yet, i didnt finish any videos... i didnt take a lot of pictures or anything.. i painted some but neither are finished... i hung with some people but i didnt really do anything too glamerous...
i watched some movies...
but i guess even in my "not assuming very much" moDE I still expected to do a little more than this... where did the time go?
i havent even gone to leann chin yet!

I just told tom "I need to do homework, but im all wound up."

i was having a discussion with my step mom.... apparently she thought it was an argument. Steve summarized the dispute as:

she told you to bring it down to the individual level, (she believes societal problems can be blamed on parents and individual's choices) so you talked about her family, and then she thought you were dissing them, when really you were just getting your point across.
(something like that)

so im not in the wrong, there were other people there who understood what i was saying... and i apologized to her, both during the conversation and after and she basically implied that i like to make her feel bad, and i spent half an hour sitting at my dads feeling like i was an asshole for trying to explain that capitalism depends upon a heirarchal system that exploits people... nothing more... but apparently admitting the basic truths of a system is too much. and i am an asshole.

Then on the way to buying a fucking camera cuz like i told her, i am not excluding myself or anyone else from the mutually shared exploitative system and the responsibility that comes with it. i broke down in the car and called my dad and cried on the phone because i couldnt handle this woman thinking i was such a horrible person, when all i was doing was saying the facts.

I could never be a revolutionary, I care too much what people think.

its the desperation that makes you run wild and make mistakes... how to stay calm, comfortable, bendable, but assured?


maybe SA has some answers SA?

"wakin it up, base and shakin it up, we know of an extended field, This is the deal, letting and getting the vibes we want, open up your heart and proceed to feel, now your inchin up, to the summit, never plummet, boot your system up and the bare with the middle, finger up, why you so abrupt, baby dont be corrupt." "sever"

its funny how this stupid simple tenacious d song really says exactly what the feeling is... its not wound up and crazy and intricate sometimes its just plain and simple
Dude (I Totally Miss You)

Dude, i totally miss you
I really fucking miss you
I'm all alone,
All the time, all the time.

Dude, i totally miss you
The things we did together
Where have you gone?

Totally miss the honesty
And special times, and honestly
I totally miss the fucked up thing ya do

Dude, i totally miss you
I totally miss you
Dude, i totally miss you
All the time

Ahhhhhhhhhh, aaaaaah
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, aaaaaah
aah ya-he haaa.

Totally miss the honesty
And special times, and honestly
I totally miss the fucked up thing ya do

Dude, i totally miss you
I totally miss you
Dude, i totally miss you
All the time

i was gonna try to find some matching 311 lyrics you know...




lex made me smile even if shes not feeling like talking,
im not sure where i am.
but with that tfa thing gone, i have started looking at schools the first two recommended seem good... check them out some more... augsberg and river falls wi
hung with sarah and julie today and that was fine, but i was such a tag along and later the same for aimee and her friends... and if there is one thing i can say about the peoples i hung with today, its that we live different lives, no judgment, i feel like a loser around these cats, but its just the confidence i have is from a different scene, and around these cats, i am not cool.

Someone scares me a little, and im not sure what to do about that... d0 you try to force change on someone not ready to change, do you try to push life to catch up with them, or let them enjoy the ride? im not sure... but im afraid they will hurt someone. and when i think about it, I cant feel a bit of sympathy for them if they do... and that scares me too.

well strike one off the list...
TFA is not interested.
Sorry to the south, I will not be joining you soon.

I spose I could give you a real post... professional like...

Well its spring break and I am doing mostly nada. I have hung with some cats, and missed some cats, and petted my cat. but mainly sitting around watching movies and reading books for school.

So today I went to best buy and barnes and noble for some purchases I seemed to require. and checked out cameras ... but mainly im just trying to give you a lead up to why I am giving this post... after that I was on the other side of town with not much to do, and no word from aimee... so naturally i went and cleaned my car at my dads house and hung out with him all night.

Anyway... talks with the parents have led me to realize I have 3-4 options which are as follows:

Teach for america
Teach abroad
go to school (soon)
go to school later (work now)


Teach for america is really the goal at this point. It offers adventure, challenge, a stepping stone, a teaching license and more. It will certainly be hard, but after that what wont I be able to do? and as far as teaching, isnt it every teacher's goal at some point to inspire the uninspired, give support to those who have little... etc etc i wanna be the cliche... but more so.. it really goes along with all my values -people are worth it, everyone deserves support, if you believe in people they will thrive... etc
thats what I want. of course it has its draw backs.... being away from home, possibly lack of support, the hardest challenge of my life most likely... etc but those can be good things. character building things, and certainly i need to build character.


Teaching abroad is similar but has its draw backs as well... the biggest being i wouldnt get a teaching license out of it, and I would be far from home... but of course as much as i love the US and always miss it when im gone (the people) i love to travel.... i love to meet people and once again I believe people deserve the support... so thats nice. Where? most programs go to asia... grant says i would do fine in taiwan. I would approve of asia or africa... maybe even central or south america... work on my spanish...

go to school.... well yeah i need a license... i want to teach, but i dont want to go somewhere to some small town like mankato or st cloud for 6 months to get a license... if i do it, i will do it somewhere near home... and hopefully that will give me the chance to be near friends, rely on support from family. then after that abroad? far away minneapolis st paul? who knows.

finally.. the fourth option is to work for now and try to get in to a program later, like the twin cities' campus masters ed program... where in a year and a half i would have a license, a masters from UMN and probably some contacts... in the mean time, an assistant teaching job? a campaign job? something that inspires me to keep going... hopefully.



and a belief in fate and a faith in the world and god, allow me to flow until I find where I need to go...


Why do I love this third eye blind cd so much? I always have, its brilliant and yet them as a band i could care less for... and i dont like to give them as much credit as i do... but i love all of these songs...

anyway...

Im reading Black Elk Speaks, a biography about a man named black Elk an Ogalala Lakota medicine man, who had a vision and spends his life trying to make it come true. (perhaps not succeeding as he would like to, perhaps succeeding in the longer run)

but it reminds me that I believe in so much of this stuff, and i wonder if all these drugs we take to cool our tempers (Literally and figuratively) are keeping us from our spiritual purposes... perhaps a fever is a gift.

"and theres this burning, just like theres always been.
Ive never been so alone, and I, I've never been so alive. "

playing the part of the reject... playing it to perfection

melissa was making fun of me for bringing my comp home... but besides the 3-4 books I was gonna read and maybe seeing aimee, sarah, julie, chris .... my brother.... i didnt really have any plans for this break... i was gonna get caught up on homework and relax a little....

of course im not taking my computer games... or art supplies... so chances are i will be watching a lot of expensive blockbuster movies... and doing paint and videos on my comp.... right?
and of course see 300 the coolest looking movie since the last one he made...

anyway... one section left of this paper... its 6:30 am and its due at 2:15 pm I can sleep right?

right right right

right
right

did you know that "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo." is a real sentence.... i didnt until wednesday...but it is.
enjoy yourself...

Aimee calls to put a smile on my face,
but I was thinking I was quite replaceable

She asks me why I'm down, and I say I don't quite know the way up right now,
still im treading that water
she sighs, and says to me that I was the one who was happy
but maybe that wave has caught her
in dreams of working Hawaii

And she reminds me of the songs we sang of divinity
and she dont know it but shes been sent to remind me of what I been missin
while I just sit here, thinking and writing
hoping to happen upon what I needs to have ambition

Still she points the way saying "chill, enjoy the present,
dont you know you are Illy's and mine"
and while she sings the songs on the radio
I smile and know I'm Closer to fine.

Im gonna try to be on the internet less this week... like maybe just check my e mail and what not once a day... hopefully... so i will still get messages but if its harder to get a hold of me, feel free to call the cell.

this dream is from june 2, 2005....
Anyway it seems very prophetic... i hope this isnt the story of my life

Delusions of Grandeur
So I had this dream last night, and I say dream because most of it was rather simple and though uncomfortable, reasonably pleasant. Later it turned into a nightmare and I woke up all gross and scared and shit.So there were a bunch of us, sort of standing (trying to keep our balance, on a circular platform, with poles in the middle, but the platform was shaky at best and downright tipsy at worst and im fairly sure a few people did fall off, into what im not sure... sky maybe. Anyway we were all having a conversation while jumping back and forth to keep our balance and though the conversation was notably tense it was not outright mean or anything. More just extreme concern. As people were redistributing their weight the platform would adjust accordingly and it became noticeable that what was needed was a leader to tell everyone where to stand so that it was relatively equal. I took this role not by choice but rather because my tenseness demanded that I start talking (as I do when im tense) so I just started talking and saying things, and the people listened and eventually it all worked out. Then shortly after the whole balancing contraption was gone and we sat around a sort of patio with chairs and a round white table. There were 5 maybe 6 (there could have been more, but some came and left) of us including myself and im fairly sure that the people were some of my best friends, I got the impression most were men, and that I loved them like best friends, and but not family. The conversation continued and it was one of those deep conversations but one person(I don't know who) seemed to be distraught and angry, and the rest of us were trying to calm him or incite him or whatever we thought was best, but eventually he centered on his hatred of someone or something, and I questioned "hate? or anger?" and he asked what the difference was. and I told him something about how hatred is not worth it but anger is an emotion that we can learn from, like hatred shuts doors, while anger expresses our hurt (sometimes) but then we moved on into like better ways to express hurt, and eventually all of them were just listening to me and sort of understanding. They seemed to agree and so when I was done talking I walked down fro the patio on to other shaky platforms and could keep my balance and was a few good minutes away(it seemed like)when I heard running after me and not like happy running but like mob running, like angry running. So I turned around and saw all of my friends with hatred in their eyes trying to run and hurt me, and I was losing my balance again....then I woke up.

thinking about you
-radiohead

Sometimes I think it sucks that I dont hold people's "faults" against them... i mean i often have the emotional reaction... i understand the trigger... but i just accept it like "its cool" thats just who they are...

for example

people being late all the time
having petty grudges...
backing out of things
allowing pissy mood to affect better judgement


all these things are very common in people I really like, and probably me... but although I know these traits frustrate me in them... i dont hold it against them because for some reason they get a free pass....

this came up because...
i was just looking at pictures of people and i noticed that some people have rivalries, but in one of them i forgive it and it doesnt bother me, and in the other i think "yeah but shes weird" and its not because one is better than the other... just that i like and know one better...
weird eh?


anywho...

this color will be disgusting im sure...

I basically dont do anything... I think tonight there is supposed to be a mariachi performance or something. I feel like Yes! an excuse to go somewhere, and yet No! i am not excited... Im sure it will be fine... but it just doesnt sound thrilling... hell i skipped jazz last weekend... that says something i think.

gonna be a tough week... a test and a paper at the end...
a bunch of catching up for monday....

"oh motivation... where are you?"

I think i spent like 80 percent of making awake hours today in front of the screen talking to all these random friends... sort of like a getting to know you... game i have been playing because i have no life and no interests here...
I also inked a painting that will probably be unappreciated and why should it be? its not so great...
what am I even doing? spend my time thinking about things that wont happen.... im so up in the air right now... and nothing seems to matter... im not hurting anyone but im not really loving them either... and im not really loved... just sort of kept. I think that is a good word for what I am... either by myself or by others I am kept....

i think that although i tend to shift the blame a lot... it really is just me... im sort of on the brink of possibly doing amazing things... and sort of on the brink of not doing anything... and im sort of scared to move.

Im sort of also at that point in relationships... I could easily go after something.. but i really dont desire to... Im not big on changing things I have.... Im not wanting to lose anything... and the subtle shifts freak me out... especially when they hit me by surprise... so... kept...


and where do we stand with future plans? unsure and unsatisfied... fairly confident that i can handle what ever comes... but dont seem to be pursuing anything too adamently...

but for now... i spose i should be content or happy with the very unengaged friendships i am developing in this silly internet world i addict...

t-roy couldnt drive the 50 minutes home cuz of the storm and the ice...he spent last night in the science labs

its strange to have 5 of us under the same roof again... like a strange 3b on 3rd street

I feel like I lied in my phone interview, and whats worse is, I feel like they are gonna call me on it.

They asked me for a time I had difficulty with an employer or manager or someone with authority, who I was intimidated by.
I couldnt think of anything.
So I said, well my boss at Nick's Icecream and Pop corn, or whatever...
had a different style of managing and training than I did... and I sort of talked about how over time He became cool with me, but I think I made it sound like I confronted Nick a whole bunch, like "hey bossman, backoff"
but really it was more like, "Nick I wasnt sure what you meant, because you yelled it from the backroom, so after asking questions, and you thinking I was dumb, I just did this, and Im willing to do stuff again if you dont think its ok, but i had no idea what you were talking about. "

in reality it was more like, overtime Nick learned that I was a fairly stand up guy, that I would talk to him about stuff, that I worked my ass off and was committed and that unlike my lazy ass friends I took the job seriously... and for that and other things he ended up respecting me, even though we had different views on things.


But now I feel like a bad boy...
its not like they can call Nick and say something like... Mr mikey mike told us he told you off... will you comment on that?
a) nick would be like "what?"
b) nick does like me
c) they would both stop talking to me... (as in rejection from teach for america....)

but anyway... now im back to not having anything important to say.... 3 minute confession...

other then that... if they dont like me... well I tried, and I was me.

Mike why havent you posted???

Well I could say a bunch of things but they arent really true... like
* I havent had anything worth writing about- i went to the capital, had a bunch of cool conversations, did things, etc
* I havent had time, not true either -despite doing things, most of my time has been spent in my room, where i had plenty of time to write


so why not write...

I guess I feel like i have been either telling people in person, letter, e mail, what i want to say... or just havent felt like writing...
sorry


am i gonna start now?

i dunno...
I have a phone interview in an hour which im nervous about, im also nervous that mike the rock is supposed to call at that exact time, because he and melissa planned it not knowing i needed the phone...

um but other then that... no im not really in the mood to write... so
i guess yall have fun.