Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

dont read this if you arent ready for some emo bullshit.




I think i have been lying or covering up something for far too long... and by lying i dont mean i havent said it, i just havent blown up enough.


I love too many people. I love them whole heartedly, its that love that gets me in to trouble... it causes me to hurt people (not intentionally) but in what i feel are their self interests... im egotistical that way, always have been.

I still love them. I hurt them, i chase them away, I am rejected by them, i fail them... i still love them. and it sucks. I hate it, i love it too but i hate it... because im not supposed to spend my days and thoughts and feelings wondering about others... im supposed to think about me... but i dont particularly like me. I often am disgusted with me. so what am I saying...im obsessive... and hurt, and not very happy.
what further pisses me off... is that I know all the people who I love, feel the same way... thats what i hate, because i want them too (in self interest) but it also pains me to think about them hurting, and when i say pains me, i do actually mean pain. physical mental emotional

and im no different than any of you... and it hurts. I hate that some people love me, i hate it because i am so bad too them (for them), at the same time i cant stand the idea of them hating me. because i cant live without them, and when i do, i dont. I obsess about them.


everything is fine because it is, and i hate it. I hate school, I hate how i dont care, I hate how loving someone makes me hurt another person, and how anyone i love would make me choose as if i could. as if i fucking have a choice in the matter!?!?!

i hate the idea of people i love hurting themselves... it hurts me. it makes me stay up all night thinking about it. it makes me have bad dreams, it makes me draw and write shit i dont like to see, it makes me cry, it makes me pray, sometimes it makes me punch walls, and more often makes me skip meals.

I hate when people expect me to have an answer, but i always put them in to that position... my family all expects me to help steve... well i cant, i want to, i will, but i feel like shit everyday, i cant help him when i feel like shit.
why did we put him in that position?
why do we do things to ourselves that hurt us, or help us - but hurt everyone around us- thus hurting us.

im not positive all the time... thats the lie. part of the reason i keep obsessing lately about my death is that im sick of it. im not gonna hurt myself, but i dont seem to be helping all that much... and alicia has anger in her voice when she tells me im being an idiot for not eating, for eating poorly. and she seemed happy when i decide to make a good decision... maybe its just because she wants to do it for herself... maybe its cuz she wants me to have the same self respect.
But I never have... when im up, i dont need to be good to myself -im fully satisfied with the beauty around me, when im down i dont care. i deserve it.

I hate the pain, but the pain is what i get, so when i reach over and clench my stomach and groan, well hey. i shouldnt have been an asshole.

when i die, i hope they attribute my death to its actual cause and not me not taking care of myself... i was too busy *thinking* i was taking care of other shit.
(what an asshole)
And that day will be a good day.
the best of me and whatevers left will spill out and replenish the grass.


and lastly... I want my love to be equal, but want each person to think they are the most special.
but fuck that. you are the most special when you are honestly convinced that everyone else is. (in humility not self hatred)

thats your most beautiful. thats when god shines through.