Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

i was gonna write about relationship shit, but i feel like i would be broadcasting too much.. nothing unusual or wrong, but broadcasting my eternal tensions and wondering why i cant leave them behind, while maintaining the present and future.

im glad though, its a much better and more fulfilling thing than the alternative.

for example the old dude hit on me again on and off for a few hourse today... hes very blunt, for instance "why dont you and me sleep together in a 69 position tonight and see what everyone thinks?" (my reaction) "not interested..."
he asked if it was cuz he was older... and i said no, just not interested in hooking up.
last night a woman asked for my number and e mail address (while i was here)
its funny because i didnt know she was hitting on me... i thought she wanted a pen pal or something and didnt figure it out till she asked if i would call her today...
i think she just wants to marry an american.

so i went to a movie... a love movie set in war times, duty and honor vs love... and everyone agrees with the love but then the hero does his duty and dies anyway...
i hated knowing exactly what the characters were feeling at the time... it wasnt the acting (which was ok/fairly decent) but just the situation.
i hated it because i was so far from anyone who i could just fall in to. to be reassured.

i have noticed more and more lately i just miss nice little affection. hugs and kisses, non "sexual" stuff. the warmth of someone, it makes me think of a bed and an apartment she doesnt live in anymore... but also of a picnic i wanted to hold her during. some sort of connection that i couldnt explain but didnt want to end.
it makes me think of hugs and conversations with my friends. i miss them. i miss the genuine realness of their hugs. the look in their eyes when we talk, their beautiful smiles. It makes me miss the boys and their jokes, their quotes even their beer breath and stupidity.
i miss dinners with my brothers. the strange urgency we all seem to feel when we should be more relaxed than anything, and then we fall in to rhythm some how all the same even though we are so different some how we feel our own blood, and leave feeling that same strange feeling, like why isnt this normal? why so rare?
I miss stupid shit.
i miss going to movies getting lost in the moment, i miss board games, i miss chinese food.
i feel sick lately, and not like in my body, but just drained.. feeling like the the party is on the other side of some large wooden doors, and though its not locked i cant open them... i have tried... i have lost all my energy... i give up and wait.

im gonna write a poem about bucharest.
the only lines i have so far go something like

"and that Rroma Woman on her knees she begs beseeches
tired of sleeping on your streets, park benches and beaches."

well its midnight and im gonna go to the train station in 4 and half hours. dark and struggling with a broken suitcase.

sorry this is so depressing must be the graying days
its supposedly raining a lot in poland.

if you are a beautiful person, give yourself a hand...
peace and love
taff