Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

a lot of this was taken from an e mail to somebody (so if it doesnt work out well, thats why.)



So I mentioned hypocrisy, and basically what i meant is I dont mean to say i have things put together, I am doing things that will probably end up hurting me especially with school because it feels right. I know I should stick it out and make it work, but I dont feel strong enough. Still it doesnt mean I will give up completely, it means I will start looking into options to make it up later. to stay on track despite the current failures ..right
So heres my life.
I dropped my history class today. I stayed up till 6:00 doing pictures and other stuff, and never got around to my homework and it sucks because as good as it is for me I just dont think school is my priority right now. I dont think it can be. I will always choose to e mail over doing my homework or post, or update photos or write poetry. Right now I will. I dont have the structure of school to keep me on task, I dont have others around to tell me to do it, to encourage. On top of that I m bogged down with tons of work from last semester and winter, and I never got a break so I still feel stressed. meaning it would be at least another week till I get back on task for my class, (two weeks behind) and piling up along with the stress from working my ass off this week, and starting a big trip. I am looking forward to seeing people on that trip, we are gonna stay with rachel and Im gonna see illy and Alexis.
I think i need the time with some of these cats to recenter myself.
I think I need the trip, the time to myself, to write to draw, the time to read the time without the school kind of stress to hold me down. I need to meet people and see the world again, and get caught up in it, and once that happens I will come down and lay out the groundwork to make sure I do my part in it, whether that be teaching or whatever.
I decided to go on this trip because I was upset, and then things seemed better but I hadnt figured it all out yet. Im gonna take some of that time now. I take the time to write people because it helps me, helps me stay focused, helps me connect with them and helps remind me whats important to me.
SO that being said, I think i need the time, 6 credits for the semester. (its bullshit)
So im thinking bout summer classes. I dont know if that will end up working.
Also though, im trying to stay on task for my goals with school and at this point im gonna end up short a few classes I will need to get the all encompassing degree I desire. maybe i will switch majors last minute or drop out and do some work in some far off place. (i doubt it, since i have a hard enough time being away from my friends for a few weeks)

zach is talking about the peace corp. I dont think I could give two years.

(for me) without a moment to breathe I get a little lost, wondering why im doing the shit I am... why im challenging myself to take 21 credits last semester? and failing at it. I think for me its equally as self destructive to keep pushing forward without asking why, as it is to stop and ask "why?" all the time without moving, so Im still in the mix trying to find the balance. India was good for me, but too pushy, now im trying to have a break and school is too pushy. I got to take a breath.

As part of this breath, im trying to come to conclusions and thats a stupid thing but something we all feel we need right? but in the same way that every conclusion I come to needs to be checked regularly and changed to meet the circumstances. Now is it wrong to generally assume the cats around me need to be doing the same thing? checkin their plans, assumptions.
maybe thats another bogus conclusion.
oh well i better get back to this book and paper