Sunday, September 02, 2007
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Mouthful of bees
my music snobbery has gotten the best of me... i cant stand it, not the music snobbery the attitudes of the people who claim they hear something that isnt there... well on 2-3 songs it was aight... I went to the myspace of the band and it sounded much better, but still wasnt pop sensible.. the lyrics arent clear. the drumming is the best part and the guitars are too simple to be intiricate complex interest music, and too mundane and non-popish to be something like grunge.... so what are we left with? a fairly simple sound (minus the drums) that isnt that catchy... and isnt complicated, and isnt all that interesting, and doesnt evoke emotions, or mental interest, it doesnt sound like any category of music, it sounds like a band trying to be radiohead's later stuff, minus the sensibility and thoughtfulness.
and apparently this is the next big band from mn! oh joy!!!
and I say "maybe I dont get the new music" and people tell me its not a new sound, it sounds like 5 other bands i havent heard... and I think... well maybe these guys are just the boiled down version of something that once was worth listening to...
although their produced shit on myspace isnt half as bad as the actual concert. but once again i say its the drummer that makes the band.. and if she wasnt so in to it, and people werent so bored and tool like, they might recognize that the band sounds like possibly talented people playing garbage disposal music. (as a last give in, they did play about three songs that sounded worth listening to, but three 4 minutes songs that i would possibly care to hear again in an hour is not my thing.) im not even sure if there were choruses, so not much hook.
The second band, the hopefuls sounded hopeful at first, (even though they started their first song with about 4 bars of something that sounded like everclear, and i always disliked everclear) a sort of college shitty version of weezer? a touch of the weakerthans? some harmony an understanding of pop... but then as they kept going it was obvious that their lyrics sucked. their sound wasnt actually great, none of them played interesting or beautiful solos.. the keytar (sp?) didnt add very much... the drummer sucked. the only thing that was aight, was that both the singers actually had decent vocals... just not decent lyrics.
too simple, too 14 yr old girl pop princess.
both bands might be able to pull it off given the right circumstances... like say 14 yr old girl audiences... or apparently morris freshmen and half of my friends while slightly intoxicated on sun and wine.
I think SLP ruined me... I can admit the angst in half of the bands... yeah but that was ok THEN. I can admit that there were some ripped off influences... but people attempted to come up with their own style, a different style for each song.. a different hook, a different chorus, a meaningful song lyric, or a performance that they put some effort in to... maybe it was the jazz program, or the fact that good musicians actually worked with good musicians and left the rest of us out. it was elitest, but we had our places, and bands that sucked didnt get much time on the stage, but even when they sucked it was because they were attempting something better like a new solo... or a new harmony, or an intense moment of emotion... sometimes they slipped and tripped but people could tell they were trying... or i could...
bands these days dont even look at the audience. they dont sing to the audience. they dont play with their hearts. they dont realize they suck, so they have big egos, and when people dance... its usually cuz they want to have a good time... not because the music moves them... even the people who liked these bands today, werent moving all that much... it wasnt pushing them to move, it wasnt reaching out for their hearts or heads... just sort of echoing off the walls... and loud shit... well some people stayed around just because it was something to do.
needless to say im a douche bag elitest asshole -but despite the annoyance I had with the crowd for not demanding more... they were beautiful.
my music snobbery has gotten the best of me... i cant stand it, not the music snobbery the attitudes of the people who claim they hear something that isnt there... well on 2-3 songs it was aight... I went to the myspace of the band and it sounded much better, but still wasnt pop sensible.. the lyrics arent clear. the drumming is the best part and the guitars are too simple to be intiricate complex interest music, and too mundane and non-popish to be something like grunge.... so what are we left with? a fairly simple sound (minus the drums) that isnt that catchy... and isnt complicated, and isnt all that interesting, and doesnt evoke emotions, or mental interest, it doesnt sound like any category of music, it sounds like a band trying to be radiohead's later stuff, minus the sensibility and thoughtfulness.
and apparently this is the next big band from mn! oh joy!!!
and I say "maybe I dont get the new music" and people tell me its not a new sound, it sounds like 5 other bands i havent heard... and I think... well maybe these guys are just the boiled down version of something that once was worth listening to...
although their produced shit on myspace isnt half as bad as the actual concert. but once again i say its the drummer that makes the band.. and if she wasnt so in to it, and people werent so bored and tool like, they might recognize that the band sounds like possibly talented people playing garbage disposal music. (as a last give in, they did play about three songs that sounded worth listening to, but three 4 minutes songs that i would possibly care to hear again in an hour is not my thing.) im not even sure if there were choruses, so not much hook.
The second band, the hopefuls sounded hopeful at first, (even though they started their first song with about 4 bars of something that sounded like everclear, and i always disliked everclear) a sort of college shitty version of weezer? a touch of the weakerthans? some harmony an understanding of pop... but then as they kept going it was obvious that their lyrics sucked. their sound wasnt actually great, none of them played interesting or beautiful solos.. the keytar (sp?) didnt add very much... the drummer sucked. the only thing that was aight, was that both the singers actually had decent vocals... just not decent lyrics.
too simple, too 14 yr old girl pop princess.
both bands might be able to pull it off given the right circumstances... like say 14 yr old girl audiences... or apparently morris freshmen and half of my friends while slightly intoxicated on sun and wine.
I think SLP ruined me... I can admit the angst in half of the bands... yeah but that was ok THEN. I can admit that there were some ripped off influences... but people attempted to come up with their own style, a different style for each song.. a different hook, a different chorus, a meaningful song lyric, or a performance that they put some effort in to... maybe it was the jazz program, or the fact that good musicians actually worked with good musicians and left the rest of us out. it was elitest, but we had our places, and bands that sucked didnt get much time on the stage, but even when they sucked it was because they were attempting something better like a new solo... or a new harmony, or an intense moment of emotion... sometimes they slipped and tripped but people could tell they were trying... or i could...
bands these days dont even look at the audience. they dont sing to the audience. they dont play with their hearts. they dont realize they suck, so they have big egos, and when people dance... its usually cuz they want to have a good time... not because the music moves them... even the people who liked these bands today, werent moving all that much... it wasnt pushing them to move, it wasnt reaching out for their hearts or heads... just sort of echoing off the walls... and loud shit... well some people stayed around just because it was something to do.
needless to say im a douche bag elitest asshole -but despite the annoyance I had with the crowd for not demanding more... they were beautiful.
Friday, August 31, 2007
I started the sort of work aspect of my school today. Workshops and speeches and shit at the morris area high school. The teacher Im working with seems to see things in pretty much the same way I do, and I like that. Hes got a lot of heart, and that makes me inspired to work with him. I think he has learned to tone down his personal opinions, while maintaining the sort of pleasure and humanity of the job which although not exactly my deal, is something I can certainly learn from.
Today we heard the funniest motivational speaker I have ever seen. He was amazing... 1/3 stand up comedian 1/3 counseling session 1/3 inspirational conclusions. I will try to find his name and get you a link. I was thinking it would be wonderful to have him on tape and listen before class everyday.
Today shouldnt be a fine day, it should be an amazing day.
The best part of today was just watching the teachers interact... they are so human when they arent in teacher mode, and certainly I saw a lot of that this summer, especially things like going out for a drink after work... but today I saw them squirm through lectures, make jokes while people were talking, and have the same discomfort as students get when a speaker asks a pointed question and no one knows exactly what answer they are looking for.
Today we heard the funniest motivational speaker I have ever seen. He was amazing... 1/3 stand up comedian 1/3 counseling session 1/3 inspirational conclusions. I will try to find his name and get you a link. I was thinking it would be wonderful to have him on tape and listen before class everyday.
Today shouldnt be a fine day, it should be an amazing day.
The best part of today was just watching the teachers interact... they are so human when they arent in teacher mode, and certainly I saw a lot of that this summer, especially things like going out for a drink after work... but today I saw them squirm through lectures, make jokes while people were talking, and have the same discomfort as students get when a speaker asks a pointed question and no one knows exactly what answer they are looking for.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
"You know what rhymes with cecil otter? nah whats that? FUCK YOU... its the sex machine"
Sorry for that.
Well it was the first day of classes.... I was apparently supposed to go to some teacher workshops and haven't showed up yet... but I just got the contact e mail from the teacher I'm working with, and shit sounds good... going in tomorrow... sort of oddly nervous... weird to feel nervous about something you have done before... I wonder if every new year I will be nervous before classes.
Its that sort of nervousness where if you truly listened to it, you would quit, drop out of school and hide in your room doing safe activities the rest of your life.. that sort of hidden terror, dread, the kind you don't even pay attention to, too afeared. and what is it that gives you the strength to ignore? not confidence, but maybe experience.
This week shouldn't be so bad... just workshops and maybe room cleaning... and then a class on Friday at noon.
Today I slept.
Sat on the mall for hours watching people and listening to music. Did nothing.
China-d with molly and rock.
floor meeting... awkward conversation... sadly had to admit that there might actually be a reason some of these kids are in spooner -besides the obvious ones of lack of other housing or wanting to be near the school... maybe they are socially awkward...maybe they don't have many friends...maybe they left the floor meeting early so they could go back to their single rooms and watch TV and play on their computers... because they prefer solitude, or maybe they are desperately wanking to some sort of animal porn.
at least they enjoy nature.
whatever... i was thinking of painting but haven't figured anything out to paint yet... and i cant get my computer to recognize the fact that it can burn DVDs.
so that's fun.
you enjoy yourselves... and your cuddling pets.
Sorry for that.
Well it was the first day of classes.... I was apparently supposed to go to some teacher workshops and haven't showed up yet... but I just got the contact e mail from the teacher I'm working with, and shit sounds good... going in tomorrow... sort of oddly nervous... weird to feel nervous about something you have done before... I wonder if every new year I will be nervous before classes.
Its that sort of nervousness where if you truly listened to it, you would quit, drop out of school and hide in your room doing safe activities the rest of your life.. that sort of hidden terror, dread, the kind you don't even pay attention to, too afeared. and what is it that gives you the strength to ignore? not confidence, but maybe experience.
This week shouldn't be so bad... just workshops and maybe room cleaning... and then a class on Friday at noon.
Today I slept.
Sat on the mall for hours watching people and listening to music. Did nothing.
China-d with molly and rock.
floor meeting... awkward conversation... sadly had to admit that there might actually be a reason some of these kids are in spooner -besides the obvious ones of lack of other housing or wanting to be near the school... maybe they are socially awkward...maybe they don't have many friends...maybe they left the floor meeting early so they could go back to their single rooms and watch TV and play on their computers... because they prefer solitude, or maybe they are desperately wanking to some sort of animal porn.
at least they enjoy nature.
whatever... i was thinking of painting but haven't figured anything out to paint yet... and i cant get my computer to recognize the fact that it can burn DVDs.
so that's fun.
you enjoy yourselves... and your cuddling pets.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
weird to be back in morris.
very weird.
I know some people.... some.
I saw Char this afternoon. Char was on my freshman floor, and we looked at eachother like ..."what are you doing here?" and then we joked about how we didnt know all these young people.
Yeah I feel old, but not so old.
Its more the boredom and lack of things going on that is weird. Because I dont know where everyone is, where they live, what they are doing... I dont know if they are even here yet, but the people I have seen have been in similar positions... and we are all quite excited for things to pick up.
My room is a super single, second floor of the only dorm i had never been in.
Its nice though, not a lot in there... I think I need to paint to make it more homey.
Tonight laurel's improv troupe and then? maybe video games with mike the rock?
I have run in to a bunch of people, but its sort of awkward, because many of them didnt know i was coming back... and most of them are sort of the half friends who you love, but rarely see... and now they have to become the full time friends... but dont tell them that yet. Because it will scare them away...
whats this old guy hanging about for?
I went to dons, china, pamida, family dollar and coborns so far.
they redid tmc, it looks funny.
there are flowers all over campus, that look nice colorful trim.
my car seems a great distance from where i lay my head.
it is deadly hot.
freshmen abound.
very weird.
I know some people.... some.
I saw Char this afternoon. Char was on my freshman floor, and we looked at eachother like ..."what are you doing here?" and then we joked about how we didnt know all these young people.
Yeah I feel old, but not so old.
Its more the boredom and lack of things going on that is weird. Because I dont know where everyone is, where they live, what they are doing... I dont know if they are even here yet, but the people I have seen have been in similar positions... and we are all quite excited for things to pick up.
My room is a super single, second floor of the only dorm i had never been in.
Its nice though, not a lot in there... I think I need to paint to make it more homey.
Tonight laurel's improv troupe and then? maybe video games with mike the rock?
I have run in to a bunch of people, but its sort of awkward, because many of them didnt know i was coming back... and most of them are sort of the half friends who you love, but rarely see... and now they have to become the full time friends... but dont tell them that yet. Because it will scare them away...
whats this old guy hanging about for?
I went to dons, china, pamida, family dollar and coborns so far.
they redid tmc, it looks funny.
there are flowers all over campus, that look nice colorful trim.
my car seems a great distance from where i lay my head.
it is deadly hot.
freshmen abound.
Friday, August 24, 2007
My computer is back! and awesome... i have never been so happy with best buy as they were somehow able to keep all of my files (including music, pictures and documents.) now i havent quite confirmed this yet, because one thing they were not able to do was keep my programs... so I have to redownload itunes... and install microsoft office and things of that nature.... also video games, music programs, maybe my printer, camera and video editing stuff.... but thats all simple right.
at this point i am quite pleased... but maybe it will all crash again soon.
Oh so by the way, it also erased my fav places stuff... so i dont know a lot of the websites i normally go to. um so that will take some time... before im checking out everyone's blog and daily comics again... you know.
but good shit... off to morris tomorrow probably. maybe sunday if i chicken out.
at this point i am quite pleased... but maybe it will all crash again soon.
Oh so by the way, it also erased my fav places stuff... so i dont know a lot of the websites i normally go to. um so that will take some time... before im checking out everyone's blog and daily comics again... you know.
but good shit... off to morris tomorrow probably. maybe sunday if i chicken out.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
HMMM general updates.... best buy called yesterday, and said i might be able to fix my comp.... i opted for the cheaper but less saved version of saving pictures and word files... and forgetting things like videos ( all that hard work) and music (hours more of uploading cds, or going the non materialistic way, and just not bringing any music....)
um I just sent the teacher im working with an e mail.... i didnt say much, except that i have no idea what this is all about, and look forward to working with them.
uh im doing laundry....
i was gonna paint of draw tonight, but havent gotten up the urge yet... and its 11:09.
lastly....maybe i have written about this before but.
Me and Illy were recently talking about what we want/need in a relationship... comparing notes and what not..
and i came to the sad realization i have come to many times before... including after each breakup (check there in the archives if you are looking for me saying something like this before)
but uh...
Im pretty boring, and not very datable.
Now i mean this in the sense that, I dont bring a lot of excitement to the table... sure I will go out to eat, see a movie, see a show, see an art gallery or museum... i might go out for coffee.. i might shop. and if u are really lucky, i might go out of the country with you and do all of these things... but thats pretty much it.
I don't usually dance, at clubs or for fun.
I can be romantic, but im not prone to it.
I can be adventurous, but never count on it.
I don't tend to suggest things like picnics, walks, athletic or even fun things like swimming.
I'll do crafty things, but honestly its easier to paint or draw alone, not because its more fun, but because u get something done alone... where as with others, while more fun, people tend to either lazy out of it, or get distracted... so the majority of those things i do.... are uh.... not applicable.
I might goof around, I might be weird when we are out... I might make up jokes or stories, or voices... but around friends this is normal, around life partners (temporary or otherwise) we tend to settle out of these traits and opt for more chillaxing things. more soothing.
Now one can expect me to be a little weird in the bedroom, but I dont tend to go crazy with acts of public affection, thus excitement isnt shared, heightened, rollercoastered...
I do things occasionally like perform songs, or drama, or public readings of poetry, but that is not really as shared an event as it should be.
so in general what does this boil down to?
I can be talked to, we can have lots of conversation... but when you get sick of that I have very few answers... oh and I like to answer, not just listen and that can be super annoying.... because I feel like I have something to offer then... then its active rather than passive...
I can watch movies and listen to music and read stories, but i can be a bit of a snob in all those categories.
I can go out to eat, or cook, but all of you know how weird i am... and that blatantly pisses people off after a while...
I can hang out with people, but if i dont know my place, or dont like your friends, or the scene... well I will make that known.
Uh I can be dragged along on numerous activities that I dont seem excited for, and the truth is.... you better do it.. because I might actually enjoy it a lot.. and I wont ever get it through my head that things like that are fun.
what does that add up to?
weird picky friend material.
thats right... im superfly.
um I just sent the teacher im working with an e mail.... i didnt say much, except that i have no idea what this is all about, and look forward to working with them.
uh im doing laundry....
i was gonna paint of draw tonight, but havent gotten up the urge yet... and its 11:09.
lastly....maybe i have written about this before but.
Me and Illy were recently talking about what we want/need in a relationship... comparing notes and what not..
and i came to the sad realization i have come to many times before... including after each breakup (check there in the archives if you are looking for me saying something like this before)
but uh...
Im pretty boring, and not very datable.
Now i mean this in the sense that, I dont bring a lot of excitement to the table... sure I will go out to eat, see a movie, see a show, see an art gallery or museum... i might go out for coffee.. i might shop. and if u are really lucky, i might go out of the country with you and do all of these things... but thats pretty much it.
I don't usually dance, at clubs or for fun.
I can be romantic, but im not prone to it.
I can be adventurous, but never count on it.
I don't tend to suggest things like picnics, walks, athletic or even fun things like swimming.
I'll do crafty things, but honestly its easier to paint or draw alone, not because its more fun, but because u get something done alone... where as with others, while more fun, people tend to either lazy out of it, or get distracted... so the majority of those things i do.... are uh.... not applicable.
I might goof around, I might be weird when we are out... I might make up jokes or stories, or voices... but around friends this is normal, around life partners (temporary or otherwise) we tend to settle out of these traits and opt for more chillaxing things. more soothing.
Now one can expect me to be a little weird in the bedroom, but I dont tend to go crazy with acts of public affection, thus excitement isnt shared, heightened, rollercoastered...
I do things occasionally like perform songs, or drama, or public readings of poetry, but that is not really as shared an event as it should be.
so in general what does this boil down to?
I can be talked to, we can have lots of conversation... but when you get sick of that I have very few answers... oh and I like to answer, not just listen and that can be super annoying.... because I feel like I have something to offer then... then its active rather than passive...
I can watch movies and listen to music and read stories, but i can be a bit of a snob in all those categories.
I can go out to eat, or cook, but all of you know how weird i am... and that blatantly pisses people off after a while...
I can hang out with people, but if i dont know my place, or dont like your friends, or the scene... well I will make that known.
Uh I can be dragged along on numerous activities that I dont seem excited for, and the truth is.... you better do it.. because I might actually enjoy it a lot.. and I wont ever get it through my head that things like that are fun.
what does that add up to?
weird picky friend material.
thats right... im superfly.
an update on that last story...
um so remember how i said it ways very early in the morning?
and i hadn't slept...
well apparently i didn't read that notice very well... and it actually said that I did pay my taxes, but hadn't paid the guy who did them.... and hadn't signed over the rights for him to do it... which to me meant he hadn't finalized them... but my mom says that is not the case.
so... more in the clear...
thanks for the note kat..
i'm gonna go rack up some more taxes now though... so i can compete.
uh... i spent the night drawing.... you?
um so remember how i said it ways very early in the morning?
and i hadn't slept...
well apparently i didn't read that notice very well... and it actually said that I did pay my taxes, but hadn't paid the guy who did them.... and hadn't signed over the rights for him to do it... which to me meant he hadn't finalized them... but my mom says that is not the case.
so... more in the clear...
thanks for the note kat..
i'm gonna go rack up some more taxes now though... so i can compete.
uh... i spent the night drawing.... you?
Some time during last semester my mom decided me and my brothers were old enough to start handling our own taxes.... I disagree...
this morning... and by morning i mean while laying in bed trying to go to sleep at 5:30... i started randomly going through some stuff in my room... including some envelopes that were marked "tax stuff" and things of that nature.... turns out i didnt pay my taxes this year... now i need to go to the bank to deposit some checks... then to the IRS office in st paul...
Whats funny is, i actually paid the IRS like 2000 bucks already this summer... and now i owe them even more or they will throw me in jail...
and, I think my little brother is in the same position... only he doesnt want to deal with it... so he will probably get thrown in jail.
no mom, we are not ready.
this morning... and by morning i mean while laying in bed trying to go to sleep at 5:30... i started randomly going through some stuff in my room... including some envelopes that were marked "tax stuff" and things of that nature.... turns out i didnt pay my taxes this year... now i need to go to the bank to deposit some checks... then to the IRS office in st paul...
Whats funny is, i actually paid the IRS like 2000 bucks already this summer... and now i owe them even more or they will throw me in jail...
and, I think my little brother is in the same position... only he doesnt want to deal with it... so he will probably get thrown in jail.
no mom, we are not ready.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Maybe I'm just irritable this morning but my dog is annoying the shit out of me... he keeps coming up and sticking his wet ass nose into my side, leaving a wet spot..... and since i saw him drinking out of the toilet earlier I'm pretty sure I dont want to know...
Today im getting my car detailed... im no exactly sure what this entails... but my mom thought it would be funny... so she got me a complete detail for a graduation present.
Becky left yesterday, although her mom says she might have been stuck in chicago for the night due to cancellations and delays. I didnt really get to see her before she left... because i got sick on friday night... i think it was one of those 24 hour viruses... but i also know some of it was nerves.... because being over at becky's house made me sort of nervous/queasy Im not sure why.... it wasnt all that of course cuz i was sick most of yesterday too... but i guess i had built up her leaving in to a really big deal... and so when it was time... i had a hard time facing it...
sort of weird considering I never had a hard time leaving myself...
but then i was thinking about it.. and i have had that feeling with other friends before too... so yeah...
my computer is still at best buy... im gonna call them today and see if they can fix it sooner rather than later... since im headed back to school at the end of the week.
um other big news?
i dunno.
Saw superbad with chris... that was really funny.
uh had a graduation party... which mostly just means i need to write thank you letters now.
been packing and stuff...
tonight me and my brothers are going out... Illy might come too... which will be fun.
Im a little nervous about drinking since yesterday I felt like throwing up all day... but we shall see.
Uh, my aunt gave me a bunch of popcorn balls which are delicious... my dad gave me a bunch of art supplies... i sort of wish i had known that he was planning to do that, cuz i wouldnt have bought so many the other day... and yet still im planning on going back to blick to get more canvases...
oh well... more in the future...
Today im getting my car detailed... im no exactly sure what this entails... but my mom thought it would be funny... so she got me a complete detail for a graduation present.
Becky left yesterday, although her mom says she might have been stuck in chicago for the night due to cancellations and delays. I didnt really get to see her before she left... because i got sick on friday night... i think it was one of those 24 hour viruses... but i also know some of it was nerves.... because being over at becky's house made me sort of nervous/queasy Im not sure why.... it wasnt all that of course cuz i was sick most of yesterday too... but i guess i had built up her leaving in to a really big deal... and so when it was time... i had a hard time facing it...
sort of weird considering I never had a hard time leaving myself...
but then i was thinking about it.. and i have had that feeling with other friends before too... so yeah...
my computer is still at best buy... im gonna call them today and see if they can fix it sooner rather than later... since im headed back to school at the end of the week.
um other big news?
i dunno.
Saw superbad with chris... that was really funny.
uh had a graduation party... which mostly just means i need to write thank you letters now.
been packing and stuff...
tonight me and my brothers are going out... Illy might come too... which will be fun.
Im a little nervous about drinking since yesterday I felt like throwing up all day... but we shall see.
Uh, my aunt gave me a bunch of popcorn balls which are delicious... my dad gave me a bunch of art supplies... i sort of wish i had known that he was planning to do that, cuz i wouldnt have bought so many the other day... and yet still im planning on going back to blick to get more canvases...
oh well... more in the future...
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
So every few years.... or every year... god sends me a nice little wake up call thats says dont be too materialistic... apparently it was time.
Steve flipped the wrong switch, and it blew my harddrive.
this is the 4/5 time depending on how much you count, that i have lost over a years worth of work... all my pictures... word files... music games...
now best buy says they may be able to restore some of it... maybe they can even fix my computer... but if its really shot... well.... then maybe i can buy new software for 200 bucks and start over again... much better than the 1800 i'd have to spend for a new computer... but still..
im glad i put some stuff online... but i dont put it all up... i have thousands of pictures that arent online, lots of poems and stories... stuff people have sent me etc..
my grama's house once burned down, and my mom tried to explain how devastated she was to have lost all her possessions... but like everyone what she missed the most were the pictures. you guys have seen how many pictures i take...
i take them because i love them, and i try to remember every little thing with them...
but god likes to remind me not to hold on to the past. likes to remind me not to hold on to the legacy... the possessions, the thoughts, the creations... that i have convinced myself were safe on my computer.... I entered this world without anything... and I wont leave anything behind either if these sweeping brush fires keep making their way through my pcs every year or two...
im sure blogger will erase this someday... some mechanical error... and it will all be gone.
better start printing out plastic copies right now...
oh well -i will keep you posted, but probably not too much... cuz in a week and a half im sposed to go back to college... and i might not even get my comp back before then...
read books, paint, hang with friends...
you enjoy yourselves now.
Steve flipped the wrong switch, and it blew my harddrive.
this is the 4/5 time depending on how much you count, that i have lost over a years worth of work... all my pictures... word files... music games...
now best buy says they may be able to restore some of it... maybe they can even fix my computer... but if its really shot... well.... then maybe i can buy new software for 200 bucks and start over again... much better than the 1800 i'd have to spend for a new computer... but still..
im glad i put some stuff online... but i dont put it all up... i have thousands of pictures that arent online, lots of poems and stories... stuff people have sent me etc..
my grama's house once burned down, and my mom tried to explain how devastated she was to have lost all her possessions... but like everyone what she missed the most were the pictures. you guys have seen how many pictures i take...
i take them because i love them, and i try to remember every little thing with them...
but god likes to remind me not to hold on to the past. likes to remind me not to hold on to the legacy... the possessions, the thoughts, the creations... that i have convinced myself were safe on my computer.... I entered this world without anything... and I wont leave anything behind either if these sweeping brush fires keep making their way through my pcs every year or two...
im sure blogger will erase this someday... some mechanical error... and it will all be gone.
better start printing out plastic copies right now...
oh well -i will keep you posted, but probably not too much... cuz in a week and a half im sposed to go back to college... and i might not even get my comp back before then...
read books, paint, hang with friends...
you enjoy yourselves now.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Friday, August 10, 2007
startin to think i should have gone camping... i spent 7 hours at dunn brothers today and illy only worked from 6-11:30... its not so much that i dont like the company, its that everyone is busy. Illy is working like a mofo so she has some cash before school starts... becky is trying to get her grad school shit done. Aimee and jessica shultz have jobs and shit. the kids in town for the week have family and friend events. i spose tomorrow will be better... supposed to have lunch with aimee if she calls... and then help my dad at his house for a while... and then hang with robyn and jessica... maybe nova?
but oh well... i think it would be just as hard watching a new couple (the camping trip) sort of knowledgeable about both... but they are trying to get to know themselves... and i would be like the third tentacle or whatever... plus though i usually love to see people in relationships right now im a jealous monkey.
wrote a poem today. did some drawings and read a good chunk of my new book... which is an artists sort of compilation of portrait sketches of her friends, with excerpts of the conversation she had with them while drawing them. its very interesting.... totally something i would love to do... but it makes me wonder how good she actually is... do they look like the people? were the people affended? did they love them? they are more human/revealing than comicbook fantasy...
oh well shades of fun.
Im gonna watch some west wing.
but oh well... i think it would be just as hard watching a new couple (the camping trip) sort of knowledgeable about both... but they are trying to get to know themselves... and i would be like the third tentacle or whatever... plus though i usually love to see people in relationships right now im a jealous monkey.
wrote a poem today. did some drawings and read a good chunk of my new book... which is an artists sort of compilation of portrait sketches of her friends, with excerpts of the conversation she had with them while drawing them. its very interesting.... totally something i would love to do... but it makes me wonder how good she actually is... do they look like the people? were the people affended? did they love them? they are more human/revealing than comicbook fantasy...
oh well shades of fun.
Im gonna watch some west wing.
Well I didnt end up going out.
I ended up watching 3 movies and taking my rents to the airport for their trip to mexico for scuba diving and what not.
leaves me and steve in the house... and he can be a messy boy.
Anyone wanna have a sleep over party? I got couches.
"all I ever wanted was to pick apart the day, put the pieces back together my way"
you be your sexy scandalous self now you hear.
I ended up watching 3 movies and taking my rents to the airport for their trip to mexico for scuba diving and what not.
leaves me and steve in the house... and he can be a messy boy.
Anyone wanna have a sleep over party? I got couches.
"all I ever wanted was to pick apart the day, put the pieces back together my way"
you be your sexy scandalous self now you hear.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
" and I love her so, I wouldn't trade her for gold, Im walking on moon beams, I was born with a silverspoon"
from the ONCE soundtrack... it was what was playing..
well i aint got much to say really...
um maybe see elizabeth tonight... got to briefly see nova and robyn....
um maybe more of them another day...
becky's back, mels leaving...
mike the rock today... i dunno... illy?
you know stuff
shit what do you take me for? some kind of monopoly guy? some kind of monopolicy guy? some kind of mom-o-political wanker?
from the ONCE soundtrack... it was what was playing..
well i aint got much to say really...
um maybe see elizabeth tonight... got to briefly see nova and robyn....
um maybe more of them another day...
becky's back, mels leaving...
mike the rock today... i dunno... illy?
you know stuff
shit what do you take me for? some kind of monopoly guy? some kind of monopolicy guy? some kind of mom-o-political wanker?
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
beginning part....
didnt know what to do for a background... started looking around online
settled on the white house
close up probably should go back and touch this up...
semi finished product...So whats funny is that besides my foot in this last picture... you can also tell that i wasnt paying attention and screwed up.... i made the white house crooked!!!
oh my god...
but if i die and become famous or something... you can tell them i did it on purpose -implying that the white house was crooked... thats right...
enjoy.
Progression of a painting
In an attempt to find fairchild I joined classmates.com if thats the biggest news i got, its obvious i havent done shit today.
I was supposed to hang with elizabeth today, we shall see if she calls...
mel tomorrow maybe becky. nikki sometime this week? nova is in town so thats happened tonight at 11ish... blue nile open mic... im very tempted to bring something to read. she said some of em are real good.
time is not really my friend... yesterday i spent the whole day at home... and though i did some painting and finished a season of the west wing (now on season 6) I spent the majority of the day looking at old photos and feeling joy and sorrow for the memories that cant be repeated.
I'll finisht the painting probably...
um its possible my dad is having a grad party for me on the 18th anyone wanna come?
I was supposed to hang with elizabeth today, we shall see if she calls...
mel tomorrow maybe becky. nikki sometime this week? nova is in town so thats happened tonight at 11ish... blue nile open mic... im very tempted to bring something to read. she said some of em are real good.
time is not really my friend... yesterday i spent the whole day at home... and though i did some painting and finished a season of the west wing (now on season 6) I spent the majority of the day looking at old photos and feeling joy and sorrow for the memories that cant be repeated.
I'll finisht the painting probably...
um its possible my dad is having a grad party for me on the 18th anyone wanna come?
Monday, August 06, 2007
When adrianne told me about the possibility of making a book of poetry, i didnt take it very seriously... I mean i thought it was cool that she did... but all of a sudden im looking in to it. Not to sell, not to give away really... but just to have something of my own, to feel like i accomplished something. But then I go through all my stuff, and one minute i think "hey this will work" the next "ah i only have like 3 that would be worth it...." then its things like, well if i did do it, how would i group them? would i put the small ones on the same page? categorize by age? style? topic? do I forgive my shitty poems and include them as a part of the process... or cull till there is nothing... do i edit this late in the game?
what would be a title? can i include pictures? should i just make my own, and not deal with the fancy printing? blah blah blah....
yeah then i give up.
what would be a title? can i include pictures? should i just make my own, and not deal with the fancy printing? blah blah blah....
yeah then i give up.
Im not sure what this is... the other day I went to a movie and saw a man in a wheel chair with what was probably his kid, or his nephew... and he seemed to be a vet. And I didnt have anything to do, so I tried to imagine some of the shit he goes through... and wrote this. I dunno what I think about it... I like to try to put myself in other people's shoes... but i know im not doing them justice so i feel like its really sort of shameful too... still i dunno, i like to write about it.
Its not always the big things:
Impatience and frustration builds as my 8 year old son helps the waitress clean up the mess I spilled when the pain suddenly shot through the numbness –and I sit here helpless, while those seated at near by tables give sympathetic but not understanding looks in our direction.
And when I meet their eyes like a man, they turn away.
Its not always the obvious things:
Its not the lack of ramp that’s the trouble, it’s the sticky uneven floor. Its being confined to one floor of my own house when the master bedroom is upstairs. Its trying to dance at a wedding with my wife who sits there patiently eying the other husbands
-leaves me shaken, wondering why she stayed.
Its not the visible things:
Its hour after hour of rehabilitation never sure if it will amount to anything, trying to keep up hope that one day… waiting for insurance and VA checks to come through while I’m nervous about the house payment, oh hell –the kids fall school clothes. Spending an hour in the shower, only to slip on a steel rail, unable to help myself up again. Sometimes my prescriptions don’t show up on time, sometimes they don’t work anyway.
Its not always the easy sacrifice:
When you can’t stand during the ovation at your kid’s play, or show him how to slide in to home. –model, how patriots stand for the flag, or why he should believe in service to this nation. He sees the sacrifice he already gave, questions why, and fills with rage when he sees his daddy ain’t got legs.
Its not always the big things:
Impatience and frustration builds as my 8 year old son helps the waitress clean up the mess I spilled when the pain suddenly shot through the numbness –and I sit here helpless, while those seated at near by tables give sympathetic but not understanding looks in our direction.
And when I meet their eyes like a man, they turn away.
Its not always the obvious things:
Its not the lack of ramp that’s the trouble, it’s the sticky uneven floor. Its being confined to one floor of my own house when the master bedroom is upstairs. Its trying to dance at a wedding with my wife who sits there patiently eying the other husbands
-leaves me shaken, wondering why she stayed.
Its not the visible things:
Its hour after hour of rehabilitation never sure if it will amount to anything, trying to keep up hope that one day… waiting for insurance and VA checks to come through while I’m nervous about the house payment, oh hell –the kids fall school clothes. Spending an hour in the shower, only to slip on a steel rail, unable to help myself up again. Sometimes my prescriptions don’t show up on time, sometimes they don’t work anyway.
Its not always the easy sacrifice:
When you can’t stand during the ovation at your kid’s play, or show him how to slide in to home. –model, how patriots stand for the flag, or why he should believe in service to this nation. He sees the sacrifice he already gave, questions why, and fills with rage when he sees his daddy ain’t got legs.
I think maybe God gives each of us one or two people who love and support us and act like we can do no wrong, even when they shouldnt... even when its obvious that we do them wrong... and they just come back and show us even more that we are loved... i think probably we all get a few, and some people just dont realize it, or arent able to find them in time, and we have them... and we probably are one to someone too...
so that even when its obvious that they are imperfect, we deal with the feelings enough to keep treating them like they are perfect. because each of us, probably needs a few of those, to keep us from falling too far.
so that even when its obvious that they are imperfect, we deal with the feelings enough to keep treating them like they are perfect. because each of us, probably needs a few of those, to keep us from falling too far.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
laurel forgive me.
this has nothing to do with you (laurel), but if i say im lonely or feeling like i need something its just one of those days... you know.
but really... im just questioning a lot of feelings i have right now. Im not sure what to think, because chances are im wrong for the feelings... not that the feelings are wrong... but maybe im just not being as understanding as i should be.
a few days ago i was watching a movie called conversations with god... based on the book series... and the guy or god was saying to the guy, "what would love do?" and that was the point... well in this situation love would say whats bothering it, and then move on and forgive and forget... but I cant really do that until i talk to the person... and I sort of feel like im so wrong that I cant really say it... because I dont take my feelings seriously enough to talk about them sometimes... and thats why i vent on here... because no one is forcing any of you to read...
So I feel like I try so hard, and dont get what i should in return sometimes... and right now is one of those times, and its not with everyone...
and what i hate about it is, that im understanding enough to sort of know its not the person's fault, or that its not something important enough to get upset over... but the problem comes when it starts to feel like that is all it is.... me not getting upset when im hurt, and still trying... and maybe the other person not trying hard enough.
and thats how I end up feeling in all my girlfriend relationships... and that is im sure how they feel about me. but reality is not always the best basis to judge feelings on... and maybe all we really need is reciprocation (that person to make us feel special)at the times when its hardest.
or maybe i just need a girlfriend becuase i suck at being single.
(you suck at relationships too mike)
this has nothing to do with you (laurel), but if i say im lonely or feeling like i need something its just one of those days... you know.
but really... im just questioning a lot of feelings i have right now. Im not sure what to think, because chances are im wrong for the feelings... not that the feelings are wrong... but maybe im just not being as understanding as i should be.
a few days ago i was watching a movie called conversations with god... based on the book series... and the guy or god was saying to the guy, "what would love do?" and that was the point... well in this situation love would say whats bothering it, and then move on and forgive and forget... but I cant really do that until i talk to the person... and I sort of feel like im so wrong that I cant really say it... because I dont take my feelings seriously enough to talk about them sometimes... and thats why i vent on here... because no one is forcing any of you to read...
So I feel like I try so hard, and dont get what i should in return sometimes... and right now is one of those times, and its not with everyone...
and what i hate about it is, that im understanding enough to sort of know its not the person's fault, or that its not something important enough to get upset over... but the problem comes when it starts to feel like that is all it is.... me not getting upset when im hurt, and still trying... and maybe the other person not trying hard enough.
and thats how I end up feeling in all my girlfriend relationships... and that is im sure how they feel about me. but reality is not always the best basis to judge feelings on... and maybe all we really need is reciprocation (that person to make us feel special)at the times when its hardest.
or maybe i just need a girlfriend becuase i suck at being single.
(you suck at relationships too mike)
Apparently I am not gonna go to the uptown art fair this year.... sad.... but ok, i mean last year I really only liked like 3 booths... so thats cool i spose... i should really be writing or painting by myself.
um lets see.... any updates, Uh t-roy is in town. ryan is in town. elizabeth is in town. becky will be soon i guess... so its really gonna be crowded... went to a movie wih krystin the other day, and then a movie with alicia and rachel, and hung out with them other girls.... i dunno.... watched some movies. not much to scream about i guess.
i should put up some angsty lyrics... yes that will happen
finger eleven "glimpse"
tell me what you need to hear and i'll tell it to you again
i can fake it all if you can too
will it stop from bleeding naturally enough
can i hold my tongue in silent the words are slow and repeating
i know you why don't you take what you need and then go away
i know you why don't you take what you need
die to get another glimpse in
so i'll watch the water rinse
until we all get washed away
i never needed someone comforting me
i don't think i told you how i feel tonight
you perfect little angel your beautiful even now
i know you why don't you take what you need and go away
i know you why don't you take what you need
die to get another glimpse
so i'll watch the water rinse
until we all get washed away
i never needed someone comforting me
down i go
there you go! you perfect little angels
um lets see.... any updates, Uh t-roy is in town. ryan is in town. elizabeth is in town. becky will be soon i guess... so its really gonna be crowded... went to a movie wih krystin the other day, and then a movie with alicia and rachel, and hung out with them other girls.... i dunno.... watched some movies. not much to scream about i guess.
i should put up some angsty lyrics... yes that will happen
finger eleven "glimpse"
tell me what you need to hear and i'll tell it to you again
i can fake it all if you can too
will it stop from bleeding naturally enough
can i hold my tongue in silent the words are slow and repeating
i know you why don't you take what you need and then go away
i know you why don't you take what you need
die to get another glimpse in
so i'll watch the water rinse
until we all get washed away
i never needed someone comforting me
i don't think i told you how i feel tonight
you perfect little angel your beautiful even now
i know you why don't you take what you need and go away
i know you why don't you take what you need
die to get another glimpse
so i'll watch the water rinse
until we all get washed away
i never needed someone comforting me
down i go
there you go! you perfect little angels
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Thursday, August 02, 2007
how to describe the off moments...
got nothing truly to say, except that so far i spent longer in dreams than awake today, and woke to find plans broken, and made new ones.
the bridge broke, and families were broken, hopefully both can be put back together.
Tragedy asks a lot of its victims. But it was hard to remain sympathetic when the next headline down read 144 killed in Baghdad.
What is the worth of a life? Not much these days, and even when those around you are affected, one becomes numb far too easily, and our patterns of thought turn in to… “shit traffic is going to be a mess” how it hits us…. But 2-3 hours waiting for your father to call back, because cell phone lines are down and chances are he wasn’t there, but we were right there just minutes before… maybe he took a different route right?
Right.. he did and he is alive, as is everyone else I know… for now.
And I didn’t want to go to the river at first too afraid that we would see something we couldn’t help… but an hour later I saw no reason why not…. Because that’s the way it is… and the cops had it all sealed off, so all you could really make out… was cement in the distance, cement that didn’t look right at that angle…. And everyone walking around trying to see what they could see. Lots of lights, no sirens. Lots of cops standing around doing nothing. Im sure there were rescuers somewhere but this tragedy seemed handled within a few hours… as hopes dimmed of finding survivors.
got nothing truly to say, except that so far i spent longer in dreams than awake today, and woke to find plans broken, and made new ones.
the bridge broke, and families were broken, hopefully both can be put back together.
Tragedy asks a lot of its victims. But it was hard to remain sympathetic when the next headline down read 144 killed in Baghdad.
What is the worth of a life? Not much these days, and even when those around you are affected, one becomes numb far too easily, and our patterns of thought turn in to… “shit traffic is going to be a mess” how it hits us…. But 2-3 hours waiting for your father to call back, because cell phone lines are down and chances are he wasn’t there, but we were right there just minutes before… maybe he took a different route right?
Right.. he did and he is alive, as is everyone else I know… for now.
And I didn’t want to go to the river at first too afraid that we would see something we couldn’t help… but an hour later I saw no reason why not…. Because that’s the way it is… and the cops had it all sealed off, so all you could really make out… was cement in the distance, cement that didn’t look right at that angle…. And everyone walking around trying to see what they could see. Lots of lights, no sirens. Lots of cops standing around doing nothing. Im sure there were rescuers somewhere but this tragedy seemed handled within a few hours… as hopes dimmed of finding survivors.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
I had 2 lines of a poem in my head and couldnt remembed the rest, the two lines
"from a most complex and voiding center.
But like I said its spilling out:"
odd lines...
Im starting to wonder if my standards are too high. I have met all these wonderful women in the past 8 months or so... and i havent been interested in any of them romantically... though they are all very amazing... i dont know whats up with me.
then its hard, because i have had several partners in singleness who have found people to hook up with, regardless of whether they were searching or not. which makes a brother feel... passed over... left out... but i cant really do anything about it if it is my own damn fault right?
how can i feel bad if its my own choices/feelings/adjustment to things...
anyway, illy's mom asked me if i was happy, and the truth is that I am, so i shouldnt feel like im missing out on anything...
but another part of me feels like i always need a partner to do things well... regardless of whether its romantic or not... and my partners are all finding partners of their own.
anywho... you enjoy the single rants of this single boy... i will stop blahing about it hopefully.
"from a most complex and voiding center.
But like I said its spilling out:"
odd lines...
Im starting to wonder if my standards are too high. I have met all these wonderful women in the past 8 months or so... and i havent been interested in any of them romantically... though they are all very amazing... i dont know whats up with me.
then its hard, because i have had several partners in singleness who have found people to hook up with, regardless of whether they were searching or not. which makes a brother feel... passed over... left out... but i cant really do anything about it if it is my own damn fault right?
how can i feel bad if its my own choices/feelings/adjustment to things...
anyway, illy's mom asked me if i was happy, and the truth is that I am, so i shouldnt feel like im missing out on anything...
but another part of me feels like i always need a partner to do things well... regardless of whether its romantic or not... and my partners are all finding partners of their own.
anywho... you enjoy the single rants of this single boy... i will stop blahing about it hopefully.
Monday, July 30, 2007
So if I havent mentioned it, you should buy and watch all the episodes of the west wing. its simply one of the best shows ever written, or acted. It inspires, its intelligent, heartfelt, courageous... I tear up during many episodes because they tackle things that are important... even in episodes where they arent dealing with big picture politics... but real personal relationships.
but those ones where they take on the real big questions... well those get me the most... how is it possible to see the leaders we want on tv and movies, but never in our real govt?
How is it possible that everyday we know what we should do, but choose the wrong path?
but those ones where they take on the real big questions... well those get me the most... how is it possible to see the leaders we want on tv and movies, but never in our real govt?
How is it possible that everyday we know what we should do, but choose the wrong path?
Sunday, July 29, 2007
False Teachings
I overhear a would be teacher speak in subtly off tones of soothing,
talk like hes trying to smooth over bumps in his own and maybe her personalities. ignore the flaws. be genuine by rejecting the insecurities, oh god I wish it were new to me.
but I done played the role too many times not to be disgusted -hes holding on in that casual "Im at your level because I choose to lower myself to you" and shes so taken aback by the attention -of someone, anyone who would do so with out mention..
-what a player.
What a fool, you wish to be a mentor, a friend? stop your pretenses,
genuinely you believe yourself to be her savior... and she
she needs to seek a teacher within her.
You and I, we bullshit trying to preach with our false wisdom,
but really... we dont deserve them
and each time we prove it.
I overhear a would be teacher speak in subtly off tones of soothing,
talk like hes trying to smooth over bumps in his own and maybe her personalities. ignore the flaws. be genuine by rejecting the insecurities, oh god I wish it were new to me.
but I done played the role too many times not to be disgusted -hes holding on in that casual "Im at your level because I choose to lower myself to you" and shes so taken aback by the attention -of someone, anyone who would do so with out mention..
-what a player.
What a fool, you wish to be a mentor, a friend? stop your pretenses,
genuinely you believe yourself to be her savior... and she
she needs to seek a teacher within her.
You and I, we bullshit trying to preach with our false wisdom,
but really... we dont deserve them
and each time we prove it.
The San Franciscan (Dunn Brothers 2050)
The San Franciscan was an old Brute, Happy,
but far past his time,
so they kept him around midstore -as a sort of monument.
The Customers couldn't enter without seeing him but sadly,
they usually avoided his gaze,
eyes past or to the side,
and so his happy smile and red coat was usually
wasted.
A sign hung above his head,
that read:
"Roasted Fresh Daily! ...Right here."
loud and clear,
-but maybe not as loud as those Walmart signs above the other old time greeters working the Superstores
on the other side of town.
The San Franciscan -ready to roast
boasting only the best
he use to put the others to rest -to shame
but now he sits lame in a coffee shop uptown
as young baristlings scramble
to handle
the new and improved machines
and the free flowing customers
yuppies and hustlers
salesmen and artists
and the saddest part is...
he use to make a damn good cup of joe.
The San Franciscan was an old Brute, Happy,
but far past his time,
so they kept him around midstore -as a sort of monument.
The Customers couldn't enter without seeing him but sadly,
they usually avoided his gaze,
eyes past or to the side,
and so his happy smile and red coat was usually
wasted.
A sign hung above his head,
that read:
"Roasted Fresh Daily! ...Right here."
loud and clear,
-but maybe not as loud as those Walmart signs above the other old time greeters working the Superstores
on the other side of town.
The San Franciscan -ready to roast
boasting only the best
he use to put the others to rest -to shame
but now he sits lame in a coffee shop uptown
as young baristlings scramble
to handle
the new and improved machines
and the free flowing customers
yuppies and hustlers
salesmen and artists
and the saddest part is...
he use to make a damn good cup of joe.
What do you do when you dont want to do something but you dont really have any good excuses?
the situation is, I just finished my job, and they need a teacher or something for summer bible school at the church, 1 week, working with younglings, not a big deal... but I just dont want to do it.... still its kind of hard to say no.
Last night I saw the simpsons movie... and the spider pig bit is muy beuno.
good times
then checked out Dunn brothers where I hung with Illy and wrote some stuff... (which will probably be on here shortly)
and then basically hung out with Athena until 4ish... becoming friends with a new beautiful person.
I woke to having missed 5 calls.
will be headed to a play later...
valleyfair got moved to wednesday.
You enjoy yourself.
the situation is, I just finished my job, and they need a teacher or something for summer bible school at the church, 1 week, working with younglings, not a big deal... but I just dont want to do it.... still its kind of hard to say no.
Last night I saw the simpsons movie... and the spider pig bit is muy beuno.
good times
then checked out Dunn brothers where I hung with Illy and wrote some stuff... (which will probably be on here shortly)
and then basically hung out with Athena until 4ish... becoming friends with a new beautiful person.
I woke to having missed 5 calls.
will be headed to a play later...
valleyfair got moved to wednesday.
You enjoy yourself.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Well I was attempting to put up some pictures of art my students made, bt blogger is being a douche.
Im really enjoying this new cd by the hold steady, i was looking for some old lifter puller (lftr pllr?) stuff and cheapo didnt have any... but this is good too... and I got a cd by buck 65 which is pretty sweet... and my new mel gibson and the pants cd just arrived today and I havent even had a chance to listen to it.
Headed to the show tonight.
Um miss, if you want to talk about more than your cat all you have to do is talk about more than your cat... fair enough right?
for instance, try bizarre words that will eventually lead people to your blog... like how google sent some one my way after they looked up "grandmamas erotica" thats just funny... I dont have a problem with their search (lord knows i cant judge and have seen plenty worse) more just that it lead them to me somehow....
I watched this movie this afternoon called "peaceful warrior" and it reminded me that I need to read some more eastern philosphy stuff... and tell becky about it before she goes...
I sometimes wonder how im doing in life, and then i run down a checklist like:
*do you enjoy the moment =well sometimes...
*do you fear stuff and let it hold you back =yeah, but not always...
*do you love, question irrational emotions, and seek peaceful solutions =yeah
*do you seek out positivity =yeah
*do you let the past and future get in the way of the present =sometimes
*do you worry to the point of distraction =yeah
etc etc
but the real nice part is...
do you do these negative things more or less than you use to?
and the answer is easily much less
do you do these positive things more or less than you use to?
oh much more.
So its a nice little checklist... its nice to know too that when im down, i dont get too freaked out about it anymore... of course I will probably prove myself wrong within moments... but thats ok... cuz why kick yourself, when really its time to get up and keep going...
one of the things the movie was saying... was that you will never be better or worse than anyone else... and I like to think I believe that, but I do find myself judging people when I dont feel like they are pushing themselves in a direction that betters them.. I think thats something I shouldnt cut slack for, but should certainly understand that there are different paths to enlightenment. and to that extent... im happy, headed lovingly toward something friendly.
what more could one ask for?
I often worry that love will be ripped from me... but really has it ever been?
and death, oh death I worry for your presence... but remind me death when you happen to visit, that transition and change doesnt mean loss, doesnt mean no more... but rather new opportunities to fine tune relationships, to learn, and love some more... and be thankful for what has been given.
....This is where the obligatory god is great, god is merciful would come in...
Thanks all.
Im really enjoying this new cd by the hold steady, i was looking for some old lifter puller (lftr pllr?) stuff and cheapo didnt have any... but this is good too... and I got a cd by buck 65 which is pretty sweet... and my new mel gibson and the pants cd just arrived today and I havent even had a chance to listen to it.
Headed to the show tonight.
Um miss, if you want to talk about more than your cat all you have to do is talk about more than your cat... fair enough right?
for instance, try bizarre words that will eventually lead people to your blog... like how google sent some one my way after they looked up "grandmamas erotica" thats just funny... I dont have a problem with their search (lord knows i cant judge and have seen plenty worse) more just that it lead them to me somehow....
I watched this movie this afternoon called "peaceful warrior" and it reminded me that I need to read some more eastern philosphy stuff... and tell becky about it before she goes...
I sometimes wonder how im doing in life, and then i run down a checklist like:
*do you enjoy the moment =well sometimes...
*do you fear stuff and let it hold you back =yeah, but not always...
*do you love, question irrational emotions, and seek peaceful solutions =yeah
*do you seek out positivity =yeah
*do you let the past and future get in the way of the present =sometimes
*do you worry to the point of distraction =yeah
etc etc
but the real nice part is...
do you do these negative things more or less than you use to?
and the answer is easily much less
do you do these positive things more or less than you use to?
oh much more.
So its a nice little checklist... its nice to know too that when im down, i dont get too freaked out about it anymore... of course I will probably prove myself wrong within moments... but thats ok... cuz why kick yourself, when really its time to get up and keep going...
one of the things the movie was saying... was that you will never be better or worse than anyone else... and I like to think I believe that, but I do find myself judging people when I dont feel like they are pushing themselves in a direction that betters them.. I think thats something I shouldnt cut slack for, but should certainly understand that there are different paths to enlightenment. and to that extent... im happy, headed lovingly toward something friendly.
what more could one ask for?
I often worry that love will be ripped from me... but really has it ever been?
and death, oh death I worry for your presence... but remind me death when you happen to visit, that transition and change doesnt mean loss, doesnt mean no more... but rather new opportunities to fine tune relationships, to learn, and love some more... and be thankful for what has been given.
....This is where the obligatory god is great, god is merciful would come in...
Thanks all.
"fallout" (a JF song off his third record) keeps coming on randomly on itunes... and i take things as a sign, but "fall(ing) out of love again" seems a little odd at this moment, not being in love and all.
Yesterday was my last day of work, and we didnt do much... so I chatted with the girls, and cleaned tables and what not. It seemed a rather abrupt ending to something but oh well.
Then I hung with Illy all afternoon and night. We talked about some interesting stuff, concepts etc... but I totally forgot what I wanted to write about.
Then I came home and watched Rocky balboa and fell asleep.... its aight and what not, but Im sort of more impressed that stallone can write and direct movies... he comes off as so brutish.... I know he has even done an impressive acting job in several films... but I just dont see it.
Im supposed to hang out with Laurel and Kat today... which should be very nice. Tonight is the humanboy with pleasure pause show... looking forward to that. and uh tomorrow maybe simpsons... and sunday maybe the complete works of WS abridged with rachel and alicia... and then maybe valley fair on monday.... so -so far no boredom.
I wish I could remember something interesting to talk about, but unlike those other bloggers... here you get unadulterated blah
Yesterday was my last day of work, and we didnt do much... so I chatted with the girls, and cleaned tables and what not. It seemed a rather abrupt ending to something but oh well.
Then I hung with Illy all afternoon and night. We talked about some interesting stuff, concepts etc... but I totally forgot what I wanted to write about.
Then I came home and watched Rocky balboa and fell asleep.... its aight and what not, but Im sort of more impressed that stallone can write and direct movies... he comes off as so brutish.... I know he has even done an impressive acting job in several films... but I just dont see it.
Im supposed to hang out with Laurel and Kat today... which should be very nice. Tonight is the humanboy with pleasure pause show... looking forward to that. and uh tomorrow maybe simpsons... and sunday maybe the complete works of WS abridged with rachel and alicia... and then maybe valley fair on monday.... so -so far no boredom.
I wish I could remember something interesting to talk about, but unlike those other bloggers... here you get unadulterated blah
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Last day of work. Then on to other things, like not waking up so damn early.
possible plans tonight include a skinny long feet concert or hanging at illy's for a bonfire.
an interesting encounter last night reveals some cats I used to look up to are playing together in a band and recording.
So apparently in order to make things like "baked goods" raw people, mash/compress the ingredients and then dehydrate them, making for one bad cookie according to melissa.
Im not sure how much sleep I got.
got a buck 65 cd with only 4 tracks... all of which are about 13-17 minutes long and made up of several different songs.
Uh so tomorrow there is a possibility of concert, and of going away party...
Im so ready for sleep. --> going to work.
possible plans tonight include a skinny long feet concert or hanging at illy's for a bonfire.
an interesting encounter last night reveals some cats I used to look up to are playing together in a band and recording.
So apparently in order to make things like "baked goods" raw people, mash/compress the ingredients and then dehydrate them, making for one bad cookie according to melissa.
Im not sure how much sleep I got.
got a buck 65 cd with only 4 tracks... all of which are about 13-17 minutes long and made up of several different songs.
Uh so tomorrow there is a possibility of concert, and of going away party...
Im so ready for sleep. --> going to work.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Last train out of Aberdeen
bound for new orleans
Lets see... 2 days left of the art assistanceness.... My teacher that im working with is having all these meetings and interviews after school so she cant get dirty... which means its all me... I think tomorrow Im gonna clean the room. We have been dying t shirts... the floor is a spectral swamp of dots and blotches in all your favorite reds yellows greens and blues.
I made 3 t shirts.... they didnt turn out exactly right... but they are aight.. One of my students decorated the back of one of them, that was nice... the girl had been fake taking credit for everything i did all summer... there are a number of running jokes around involving me.. like basically any time anything goes wrong it is blamed on me and everyone calls me different weird names.
It has been a really fun program... there is no doubt about that... i tend to laugh and smile a lot. I spose thats one thing I want in a classroom, something healthy.
I worry about my informality being a problem with hiring... but I also feel like i connect to the students more so than some of the other teachers... and I dont think thats wrong right?
I have some pictures of students, but I dont think it would be good to put them on here...
But here is some art from the summer.
this is made out of sand and glue... hence not a lot of details
a little water color
water color based on a painting i saw at Illy's
Scratch art
clay statue
bound for new orleans
Lets see... 2 days left of the art assistanceness.... My teacher that im working with is having all these meetings and interviews after school so she cant get dirty... which means its all me... I think tomorrow Im gonna clean the room. We have been dying t shirts... the floor is a spectral swamp of dots and blotches in all your favorite reds yellows greens and blues.
I made 3 t shirts.... they didnt turn out exactly right... but they are aight.. One of my students decorated the back of one of them, that was nice... the girl had been fake taking credit for everything i did all summer... there are a number of running jokes around involving me.. like basically any time anything goes wrong it is blamed on me and everyone calls me different weird names.
It has been a really fun program... there is no doubt about that... i tend to laugh and smile a lot. I spose thats one thing I want in a classroom, something healthy.
I worry about my informality being a problem with hiring... but I also feel like i connect to the students more so than some of the other teachers... and I dont think thats wrong right?
I have some pictures of students, but I dont think it would be good to put them on here...
But here is some art from the summer.
this is made out of sand and glue... hence not a lot of details
a little water color
water color based on a painting i saw at Illy's
Scratch art
clay statue
Monday, July 23, 2007
I know its creepy but i added a stat counter to see how many people actually show up to this site... a lot more foreigners than i would have thought. (welcome).
Apparently when u look up mugged and left naked my blog is the first to come up...
I have to go to work... actually im probably gonna be stuck in traffic...
just wanted to say hi
I miss you.
Apparently when u look up mugged and left naked my blog is the first to come up...
I have to go to work... actually im probably gonna be stuck in traffic...
just wanted to say hi
I miss you.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
an older poem that I think I finally finished...
Confessions from the Cyclical Cyclone
We must confess
We’re so loyal to oil we support wars we don’t believe in
Killing and maiming while claiming to free them
And my reply comes shining like some sort of liberal beacon
Drawing and waving signs like “love and peace man”
Imprinting them proudly on my face
arm
and chest
would have saved more lives buying bullet proof vests
but did I invest?
no, I flee from the west
hoping to find my peace in the east.
I must confess
sometimes I get stopped at the door,
Confused and slightly distressed
when Instead of pushing, I pull it
And I know a lot of you got confused
with Bush and his bull shit
but the real world spins in cycles
just like a top
more like the revolving door
and when it starts it don’t stop
so a bomb we drop
on one side spreads
the panic and fear
and soon enough you know
we feel that destruction right here
the cycle spins
We drop the bombs saying,
We must kill them before they kill us.
But each bomb splinters families
And causes kids to want to cause a fuss
The cycle spins
Old men who’s lives destroyed by our bombs
learn to want nothing but revenge.
and when they strap explosives to their chests,
we prepare to avenge.
The cycle spins
we say their people can go to hell
for what they did to us on 9/11
but we have sent 50 times as many
innocent Iraqi casualties to heaven
The cycle spins
We must confess
We lost our patience and
jumped upon perceived foes,
our frustration never satisfied,
and for some in fact it grows
as our leaders corrupt with power,
replace each enemy with another
manufacturing our consent
with fear of “the other.”
The other cant learn to turn her cheek
Its burned or depleted through starvation
And still we claim its only justice
When we launch invasions into
the homes of foreign nations.
Confessions from the Cyclical Cyclone
We must confess
We’re so loyal to oil we support wars we don’t believe in
Killing and maiming while claiming to free them
And my reply comes shining like some sort of liberal beacon
Drawing and waving signs like “love and peace man”
Imprinting them proudly on my face
arm
and chest
would have saved more lives buying bullet proof vests
but did I invest?
no, I flee from the west
hoping to find my peace in the east.
I must confess
sometimes I get stopped at the door,
Confused and slightly distressed
when Instead of pushing, I pull it
And I know a lot of you got confused
with Bush and his bull shit
but the real world spins in cycles
just like a top
more like the revolving door
and when it starts it don’t stop
so a bomb we drop
on one side spreads
the panic and fear
and soon enough you know
we feel that destruction right here
the cycle spins
We drop the bombs saying,
We must kill them before they kill us.
But each bomb splinters families
And causes kids to want to cause a fuss
The cycle spins
Old men who’s lives destroyed by our bombs
learn to want nothing but revenge.
and when they strap explosives to their chests,
we prepare to avenge.
The cycle spins
we say their people can go to hell
for what they did to us on 9/11
but we have sent 50 times as many
innocent Iraqi casualties to heaven
The cycle spins
We must confess
We lost our patience and
jumped upon perceived foes,
our frustration never satisfied,
and for some in fact it grows
as our leaders corrupt with power,
replace each enemy with another
manufacturing our consent
with fear of “the other.”
The other cant learn to turn her cheek
Its burned or depleted through starvation
And still we claim its only justice
When we launch invasions into
the homes of foreign nations.
a new poem on the poetry page.... im working on some things... here are some excerpts:
* a poem on jihad and nationalistic war
"I’m the one who sent horror upon your spacious skies,
And left your amber weighs of gold buried beneath the rubble.
Stained your purple mountains red with blood so you could empathize
with the masses we see, scared walking the streets of Kabul,
of Baghdad, of Jerusalem, Beirut, and all our Holy Land."
* a poem called preaching from the confessional booth (about ministers who molest)
*a poem that describes how really hard topics are often joked about... (or maybe within a larger poem)
* a confession poem thats has lines similar to this (probably be edited later)
"So if you’re looking through that key hole
then you’re looking right through me
and Im sorry for the painful confusion I caused
by ever letting you think you really knew me. "
* and a poem that has something like this in it.
"I slip you on like how a princess trips on slippers or an alki slips on liquor,
trips and splinters, disintegrates into mess,
but that’s just the first test, wont be the worst test. "
* a poem on jihad and nationalistic war
"I’m the one who sent horror upon your spacious skies,
And left your amber weighs of gold buried beneath the rubble.
Stained your purple mountains red with blood so you could empathize
with the masses we see, scared walking the streets of Kabul,
of Baghdad, of Jerusalem, Beirut, and all our Holy Land."
* a poem called preaching from the confessional booth (about ministers who molest)
*a poem that describes how really hard topics are often joked about... (or maybe within a larger poem)
* a confession poem thats has lines similar to this (probably be edited later)
"So if you’re looking through that key hole
then you’re looking right through me
and Im sorry for the painful confusion I caused
by ever letting you think you really knew me. "
* and a poem that has something like this in it.
"I slip you on like how a princess trips on slippers or an alki slips on liquor,
trips and splinters, disintegrates into mess,
but that’s just the first test, wont be the worst test. "
Friday, July 20, 2007
Uh a few things because in the summer people dont blog as much... and that is a sad truth that i hope to change.... some day.
I should probably more Clash cds... I always enjoy them...
Reading stories online, and listening to short stories performed that Kat sent me makes me wish I was a better writer, makes me wish I took things like grammar more seriously... simply wonderful stuff.
I get worse as a I bowl more...
I push people to drink when they shouldnt.
I enjoy talking to Illy a lot... probably too much. Im getting the impression she does too.... none of this is new.... but we have fallen back in to a rhythm that could be bad when i leave for morris.
I tend to think I have good tastes in music... but maybe I just choose the obvious...
I think one of the things I enjoy about hip hop, is that it is often more direct than rock music (lyrically)... it is one or two people talking directly to the audience... on rock cds, the first song isnt a welcome (with the exception of 311) there isnt a song that goes over the history of the artist... the lyrics on rock cds dont come out and say "this is me" they describe a situation at best... im not saying there isnt a place for rock lyrics... or more music based stuff... im saying I love that there is a genre that is speaking right to the audience... and genres that do other things.
I really need a girlfriend for those days when i got nothin better to do... then i can sing that bare jr song... "nothin' better to do"
on some days I really wanna be an artist of some sort... a stage man
I should probably more Clash cds... I always enjoy them...
Reading stories online, and listening to short stories performed that Kat sent me makes me wish I was a better writer, makes me wish I took things like grammar more seriously... simply wonderful stuff.
I get worse as a I bowl more...
I push people to drink when they shouldnt.
I enjoy talking to Illy a lot... probably too much. Im getting the impression she does too.... none of this is new.... but we have fallen back in to a rhythm that could be bad when i leave for morris.
I tend to think I have good tastes in music... but maybe I just choose the obvious...
I think one of the things I enjoy about hip hop, is that it is often more direct than rock music (lyrically)... it is one or two people talking directly to the audience... on rock cds, the first song isnt a welcome (with the exception of 311) there isnt a song that goes over the history of the artist... the lyrics on rock cds dont come out and say "this is me" they describe a situation at best... im not saying there isnt a place for rock lyrics... or more music based stuff... im saying I love that there is a genre that is speaking right to the audience... and genres that do other things.
I really need a girlfriend for those days when i got nothin better to do... then i can sing that bare jr song... "nothin' better to do"
on some days I really wanna be an artist of some sort... a stage man
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Oh man... I always have so many thoughts and forget them.
Im sorry If I dont have conversations enough with you, I think that tends to get cut short when Im having actual conversations... or not remembering ideas... so fairly often when Im in my room.
I just watched Before Sunset... which is the sequel to a movie I only saw once but loved called Before Sunrise... and I loved this one too. I guess the way the movies are, is pretty much how some of the most important events of my life have been... so it really is sort of beautiful, and I love the fluidity, the real time conversations etc. anyway...
So this weekend I went out to fargo which is far closer than I thought it was, and had a great time visiting my friend Kat. It was her birthday and we went and got pierced... and she had a party, and some kitties and good conversation till the late night and it was all muy beuno...
HMMMM some thoughts... God my mind is a total blank right now, i think its the heat. tomorrow Im going to work a little early because i have to drive the girls again... a co worker's daughter is getting married today and I think he might be taking tomorrow off or something.
Man I really had so many thoughts to convey before... but now i cant remember them. I am sorry.
I guess -more later?
peace and love
Im sorry If I dont have conversations enough with you, I think that tends to get cut short when Im having actual conversations... or not remembering ideas... so fairly often when Im in my room.
I just watched Before Sunset... which is the sequel to a movie I only saw once but loved called Before Sunrise... and I loved this one too. I guess the way the movies are, is pretty much how some of the most important events of my life have been... so it really is sort of beautiful, and I love the fluidity, the real time conversations etc. anyway...
So this weekend I went out to fargo which is far closer than I thought it was, and had a great time visiting my friend Kat. It was her birthday and we went and got pierced... and she had a party, and some kitties and good conversation till the late night and it was all muy beuno...
HMMMM some thoughts... God my mind is a total blank right now, i think its the heat. tomorrow Im going to work a little early because i have to drive the girls again... a co worker's daughter is getting married today and I think he might be taking tomorrow off or something.
Man I really had so many thoughts to convey before... but now i cant remember them. I am sorry.
I guess -more later?
peace and love
Friday, July 13, 2007
It was a birthday party, crowded street, petes old street right in front of his old house. Only the lawn looked different because pits had been dug, so that things could be put in them, like the pit of doom... a crocodile and various scorpions and things... and illy had one on her, and picked it up with her fingers and showed it to me, and i was freaking out and told her to throw it back... but everyone thought it was funny to have the horrible creatures crawling everywhere.
The street was filled with relatives, I think it was pete's b day, but they were certainly his relatives... not ones i know... just old people smiling and waving and having a good time... and young children playing with the scorpions and what not... and me and maggie carlson (one of my first female friends-from preschool) were dancing with them... and though i came late, all my girls i had ever been friends with (that pete had been friends with) were sort of gathered, and I went through hugging them, cuz it had been so long, and I kissed Gabi on the cheek.. and told her I missed her.
It got dark quick... and pete was on a sort of couch... Kiera passed out on a mattress laying in front of him. Pete was playing guitar, a song I didnt really know... but seemed vaguely familiar... and I started singing along... cuz the words were on boards, that could be rotated to tell you the next verse... they were on som mechanical device, a strange light up sign... that pointed the way to various events and things at the party... one said "teenage mutant ninja turtles area" or something...
we were singing along, pete had never been so in tune. He started singing harmonies, after showing me how to sing the regular verse... and mike foulkes joined in... though he was drunk.
I felt odd not knowing the words... and they started making them up... but we sang at the top of our lungs... and the party seemed to not care.
It was really beautiful...
when I woke, a song I didnt recognize was playing on itunes... and it was the song we were singing, but with different words...
all week i been trying to remember my dreams... all of a sudden I remember like three... they often have to do with shopping at strange stores... as if we are all on a trip... or being at strange places, like small hillside towns... where you have to walk up and down hills to get to the stores u need to get to... where I dont quite know the way around... but we are trying to get supplies and things... to each his own in each new place.... in fact i often am alone in these dreams... sort of pursuing my own agenda... while trying to keep others organized... trying to make sure they have what they need, or fulfilling their needs on the side... (like getting the item everyone will need, but no one remembers)... its weird that shopping is in so many...
I remember in one I was trying to get alcohol, but all the stores either sucked or were closed... so I just kept walking around the same 3 or 4 buildings hoping something would suddenly come up.
The street was filled with relatives, I think it was pete's b day, but they were certainly his relatives... not ones i know... just old people smiling and waving and having a good time... and young children playing with the scorpions and what not... and me and maggie carlson (one of my first female friends-from preschool) were dancing with them... and though i came late, all my girls i had ever been friends with (that pete had been friends with) were sort of gathered, and I went through hugging them, cuz it had been so long, and I kissed Gabi on the cheek.. and told her I missed her.
It got dark quick... and pete was on a sort of couch... Kiera passed out on a mattress laying in front of him. Pete was playing guitar, a song I didnt really know... but seemed vaguely familiar... and I started singing along... cuz the words were on boards, that could be rotated to tell you the next verse... they were on som mechanical device, a strange light up sign... that pointed the way to various events and things at the party... one said "teenage mutant ninja turtles area" or something...
we were singing along, pete had never been so in tune. He started singing harmonies, after showing me how to sing the regular verse... and mike foulkes joined in... though he was drunk.
I felt odd not knowing the words... and they started making them up... but we sang at the top of our lungs... and the party seemed to not care.
It was really beautiful...
when I woke, a song I didnt recognize was playing on itunes... and it was the song we were singing, but with different words...
all week i been trying to remember my dreams... all of a sudden I remember like three... they often have to do with shopping at strange stores... as if we are all on a trip... or being at strange places, like small hillside towns... where you have to walk up and down hills to get to the stores u need to get to... where I dont quite know the way around... but we are trying to get supplies and things... to each his own in each new place.... in fact i often am alone in these dreams... sort of pursuing my own agenda... while trying to keep others organized... trying to make sure they have what they need, or fulfilling their needs on the side... (like getting the item everyone will need, but no one remembers)... its weird that shopping is in so many...
I remember in one I was trying to get alcohol, but all the stores either sucked or were closed... so I just kept walking around the same 3 or 4 buildings hoping something would suddenly come up.
Wellllllllllllllllll
thats a deep dark hole..
any who....
Um I spose an update before I leave for the weekend? Im headed to fargo area... to see Kat, for a couple days... its her birthday, im gonna crash in and be a monkey and then leave... im still sort of wondering what i should get her for a present... i dont think I know her well enough to make it special. she probably reads this occasionally and i should probably erase this... but no.
Anywho.
Work has been going well... only 2 weeks left, and Im sort of sad that I will be happy when its done... I dont really know why... I think part of it is because it isnt my class, my lectures, my projects my whatever... I mean I certainly do some teaching but its not a place that Im entirely comfortable, and im not sure I could be at this point.
I work with some great people, many of them are quite funny, and I enjoy that aspect of it. I have some amazing students... some who are talented in art ways... but mostly just really cool cats. I like them, I would even be tempted to be friends with several of them -if they werent so young.
Um yesterday one asked the difference between republicans and democrats.... I said there are a lot of differences, (but trying to be even handed) a lot of it came down to... republicans believe in individual rights, and individual responsibility, they think the govt should stay out of their lives and their families, and think that everyone should make it on their own, by working hard etc... democrats think all of that too, but feel that there are many people who need some help to get to a point where they can work hard on their own.... and that there are certain things the govt can help with, in ways that businesses cant help them with.
I said for a historical look. Republicans freed the slaves, the democrats gave them rights.
anyway...
I told Illy all this yesterday... but its really amazing to see how different the lives of people growing up in the same area are.... many of my students live within 20 minutes of eachother, but geographically and culturally they are in many ways worlds apart.
They have gone through a lot of terrible things, but its wonderful to see how strong they are. Its nice, sort of inspiring.
Most often though, I dont feel all that challenged in the job... I like having time to paint and what not... but there is definitely a lack of intellectual stimulation -and maybe that just means im in the wrong subject area, or not working hard enough.
one day that was quite challenging was tuesday. The normal teacher was out because her kid was in the hospital... and though I am not technically allowed to teach... we didnt have the budget for a sub.... so I lead, the extended day class (court ordered kids) and both classes of the mothers... and it worked out well in the end... but it was rather frustrating, and i could tell the students could see it in me, and i could see it in them...we were all a little pissy.
Im not sure I could do this type of work... It took me 20 minutes to get the extended day kids to write 2 sentences... (they like to blow off assignments).
Anywho... there are some matters at my work, that i cannot discuss... i hope I didnt cross any of those lines... I think it may be my best summer job ever... but still im sort of waiting for it to be done.
Hanging with Illy, has been sort of the highlight of my days lately.
Its nice to have a friend like that.
I went to see Knocked Up with Mel, yesterday, and she was real busy but managed to sneak it in... cuz shes nice to me. and i probably annoyed the hell out of her cuz i was laughing so much the whole movie... i thought it was great... and when the credits rolled we pointed out the musicians and what not... supa fun.
anywho... hopefully i will get to see some more people in the next few weeks... ashley is even tempting me with a trip to montana... (and honestly, I would enjoy the car ride just hanging out with her as much as seeing zach i think).
anywho...
peace and love to you.
thats a deep dark hole..
any who....
Um I spose an update before I leave for the weekend? Im headed to fargo area... to see Kat, for a couple days... its her birthday, im gonna crash in and be a monkey and then leave... im still sort of wondering what i should get her for a present... i dont think I know her well enough to make it special. she probably reads this occasionally and i should probably erase this... but no.
Anywho.
Work has been going well... only 2 weeks left, and Im sort of sad that I will be happy when its done... I dont really know why... I think part of it is because it isnt my class, my lectures, my projects my whatever... I mean I certainly do some teaching but its not a place that Im entirely comfortable, and im not sure I could be at this point.
I work with some great people, many of them are quite funny, and I enjoy that aspect of it. I have some amazing students... some who are talented in art ways... but mostly just really cool cats. I like them, I would even be tempted to be friends with several of them -if they werent so young.
Um yesterday one asked the difference between republicans and democrats.... I said there are a lot of differences, (but trying to be even handed) a lot of it came down to... republicans believe in individual rights, and individual responsibility, they think the govt should stay out of their lives and their families, and think that everyone should make it on their own, by working hard etc... democrats think all of that too, but feel that there are many people who need some help to get to a point where they can work hard on their own.... and that there are certain things the govt can help with, in ways that businesses cant help them with.
I said for a historical look. Republicans freed the slaves, the democrats gave them rights.
anyway...
I told Illy all this yesterday... but its really amazing to see how different the lives of people growing up in the same area are.... many of my students live within 20 minutes of eachother, but geographically and culturally they are in many ways worlds apart.
They have gone through a lot of terrible things, but its wonderful to see how strong they are. Its nice, sort of inspiring.
Most often though, I dont feel all that challenged in the job... I like having time to paint and what not... but there is definitely a lack of intellectual stimulation -and maybe that just means im in the wrong subject area, or not working hard enough.
one day that was quite challenging was tuesday. The normal teacher was out because her kid was in the hospital... and though I am not technically allowed to teach... we didnt have the budget for a sub.... so I lead, the extended day class (court ordered kids) and both classes of the mothers... and it worked out well in the end... but it was rather frustrating, and i could tell the students could see it in me, and i could see it in them...we were all a little pissy.
Im not sure I could do this type of work... It took me 20 minutes to get the extended day kids to write 2 sentences... (they like to blow off assignments).
Anywho... there are some matters at my work, that i cannot discuss... i hope I didnt cross any of those lines... I think it may be my best summer job ever... but still im sort of waiting for it to be done.
Hanging with Illy, has been sort of the highlight of my days lately.
Its nice to have a friend like that.
I went to see Knocked Up with Mel, yesterday, and she was real busy but managed to sneak it in... cuz shes nice to me. and i probably annoyed the hell out of her cuz i was laughing so much the whole movie... i thought it was great... and when the credits rolled we pointed out the musicians and what not... supa fun.
anywho... hopefully i will get to see some more people in the next few weeks... ashley is even tempting me with a trip to montana... (and honestly, I would enjoy the car ride just hanging out with her as much as seeing zach i think).
anywho...
peace and love to you.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Im not sure Im going to all of these shows, but I have been nervous about missing something so I made a schedule... let me know if im missing something sweet, or have some info wrong.
A lot of these I wont be able to go to, due to being out of town, or schedule conflicts...
* = a show i am hopefully for sure going to.
JULY
13th :
Baker London (a band I saw in morris)
Kailyn Spencer's band (a girl I went to highschool with)
The Nightwatchman (tom morello's solo project)
14th:
Heuiruspecs (hip hop group from st paul)
15th:
Dark Dark Dark (Nona's ^kristin invie^ band)
18th:
Heuiruspecs
27th:
*Humanboy (fish's band, cd release party)
Dark Dark Dark
kailyn spencer's band
carnage and desdamona's cd release party (local hip hop/spoken word)
28th:
Carnage
31st:
*Sage Francis and brother Ali
AUGUST
1st:
Sage and Brother Ali
9th:
*Bela Fleck (bluegrass/jazz)
11th:
* 7 days remain
12th:
*311
Kailyn Spencer's band
13th:
Dark Dark Dark
17th:
Best Friends Forever
18th:
Best Friends Forever
Dark Dark Dark
21st:
Dark Dark Dark
Thats What I got for now... let me know if you are interested in going as well...
Um I did not include any shows that I wont be able to go to because school starts (so late august sept etc)
I really want to make it to as many dark dark dark shows as I can... it sort of sucks because I would really like to go to one of kailyn's shows because they sound really good, but Im not sure I can. I might be out of town this weekend so the 13-15 shows are a no go... i think.
A lot of these I wont be able to go to, due to being out of town, or schedule conflicts...
* = a show i am hopefully for sure going to.
JULY
13th :
Baker London (a band I saw in morris)
Kailyn Spencer's band (a girl I went to highschool with)
The Nightwatchman (tom morello's solo project)
14th:
Heuiruspecs (hip hop group from st paul)
15th:
Dark Dark Dark (Nona's ^kristin invie^ band)
18th:
Heuiruspecs
27th:
*Humanboy (fish's band, cd release party)
Dark Dark Dark
kailyn spencer's band
carnage and desdamona's cd release party (local hip hop/spoken word)
28th:
Carnage
31st:
*Sage Francis and brother Ali
AUGUST
1st:
Sage and Brother Ali
9th:
*Bela Fleck (bluegrass/jazz)
11th:
* 7 days remain
12th:
*311
Kailyn Spencer's band
13th:
Dark Dark Dark
17th:
Best Friends Forever
18th:
Best Friends Forever
Dark Dark Dark
21st:
Dark Dark Dark
Thats What I got for now... let me know if you are interested in going as well...
Um I did not include any shows that I wont be able to go to because school starts (so late august sept etc)
I really want to make it to as many dark dark dark shows as I can... it sort of sucks because I would really like to go to one of kailyn's shows because they sound really good, but Im not sure I can. I might be out of town this weekend so the 13-15 shows are a no go... i think.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
I was re-reading some of the older entries.... 2004-2005... i didnt write a lot then because it made becky uncomfy when i talked about her, and had a lot of people around to vent to... so then it was a lot of bs....
still is i suppose...
Im still amazed that I dreamt that me and becky were going to break up before it happened... i dont understand how that is possible... but i remember having that dream... being horribly uncomfortable and nervous for a few days and then hearing her on the phone... before she said anything I knew.. cuz sometimes its the spacing before the words... and I have always picked up on those horrible secrets that way.... she had moved on while I was in montana... and I hadnt prepared...
Its funny because for like weeks after, whenever I would tell people we were broken up I would include the dream... the dream was the reality, the conversation just the confirmation. I must have seemed sort of weird... I remember feeling so ungodly uncomfortable for those few months before I met Lex. I was just so unsure of who I was, complete loss of identity.
I didnt lose that with Lex... I clung to my personality, I overdid my personality, and even at my most depressed when i was hurt and angry, it was because I hated my personality and what could be done to it. such different break ups.
I think Lex gave too much... like I had... and when she talks about being more aware of herself now, I believe her because I feel like maybe we went through the same shit... both loving people or ideas of people who we needed to love us, but who in order to protect themselves, or to do the right thing for themselves had to let go, had to reestablish themselves. i know im talking in circles...
Im really thankful for all my experiances... such sorrow has led me to wonders of joy.... but it was really hard to watch others go through that too. Im scared for my kids... will I ever let them live?
"we use to want it, now we never want it back. We'll choose the gauntlet! We use to want it now we never want it back, we'll prove we're honest!"
~plastic constallations.... "Quixote" sort of fitting I think.
still is i suppose...
Im still amazed that I dreamt that me and becky were going to break up before it happened... i dont understand how that is possible... but i remember having that dream... being horribly uncomfortable and nervous for a few days and then hearing her on the phone... before she said anything I knew.. cuz sometimes its the spacing before the words... and I have always picked up on those horrible secrets that way.... she had moved on while I was in montana... and I hadnt prepared...
Its funny because for like weeks after, whenever I would tell people we were broken up I would include the dream... the dream was the reality, the conversation just the confirmation. I must have seemed sort of weird... I remember feeling so ungodly uncomfortable for those few months before I met Lex. I was just so unsure of who I was, complete loss of identity.
I didnt lose that with Lex... I clung to my personality, I overdid my personality, and even at my most depressed when i was hurt and angry, it was because I hated my personality and what could be done to it. such different break ups.
I think Lex gave too much... like I had... and when she talks about being more aware of herself now, I believe her because I feel like maybe we went through the same shit... both loving people or ideas of people who we needed to love us, but who in order to protect themselves, or to do the right thing for themselves had to let go, had to reestablish themselves. i know im talking in circles...
Im really thankful for all my experiances... such sorrow has led me to wonders of joy.... but it was really hard to watch others go through that too. Im scared for my kids... will I ever let them live?
"we use to want it, now we never want it back. We'll choose the gauntlet! We use to want it now we never want it back, we'll prove we're honest!"
~plastic constallations.... "Quixote" sort of fitting I think.
I did a new painting of a guitarist, but im not sure I like it... I guess the spacing isnt exactly right, so if you look at it from above it might look ok, but if you look at it normal, the guy's hand and arm look too small, or maybe his head looks too big. we shall see if i redo it.
I went and saw skinny long feet last night, below are some lyrics...
they have really put something together, even with a new bassist. The drummer has added new beats which work on a lot of the songs, maybe with the exception of shootin for the eight ball. which it seemed like abe changed the lyrics to.
but all in all it was really well done.
Im currently listening to some stuff chris degrood recorded one night and threw together, and hes a bit modest, it sounds pretty good.
anyway... might skip the brother ali show today and go to dinner and a movie with my brother.
got to see illy and lacey and tony m, and a whole bunch of cats i spose last night...
anyway life is beuno...
peace
Honeybee by Skinny Long Feet
“Gonna have me an orchard, with the sparrows on the top,
Gonna buy me a nice blind horse to ride,
I’ve got no axe to grind,
I’m a healthy man and I’m feeling it all the time.
What come along and stung me? It’s a honeybee,
The red that pounds from in my chest ah don’t it call to thee?
I’ll need flowers in my hand, if I ever plan to have a dance with a honeybee.
I would never get no work done,
on my orchard,
Without you around.
You’re bringing pollen in to every blossom,
That attracts you,
Heaven I want you around.
And I’m left waiting for the wind to bring you in, honey,
But I’ll tell you what I been thinking,
there you go again,
with your stinger.
And you leave me on a limb, I’ll be helpless and I’m fighting to breathe love.
I want to love you honeybee, and I would completely,
But you see I have got a bee sting allergy.
You understand what that means?
I would die if you touched me, if only.”
I went and saw skinny long feet last night, below are some lyrics...
they have really put something together, even with a new bassist. The drummer has added new beats which work on a lot of the songs, maybe with the exception of shootin for the eight ball. which it seemed like abe changed the lyrics to.
but all in all it was really well done.
Im currently listening to some stuff chris degrood recorded one night and threw together, and hes a bit modest, it sounds pretty good.
anyway... might skip the brother ali show today and go to dinner and a movie with my brother.
got to see illy and lacey and tony m, and a whole bunch of cats i spose last night...
anyway life is beuno...
peace
Honeybee by Skinny Long Feet
“Gonna have me an orchard, with the sparrows on the top,
Gonna buy me a nice blind horse to ride,
I’ve got no axe to grind,
I’m a healthy man and I’m feeling it all the time.
What come along and stung me? It’s a honeybee,
The red that pounds from in my chest ah don’t it call to thee?
I’ll need flowers in my hand, if I ever plan to have a dance with a honeybee.
I would never get no work done,
on my orchard,
Without you around.
You’re bringing pollen in to every blossom,
That attracts you,
Heaven I want you around.
And I’m left waiting for the wind to bring you in, honey,
But I’ll tell you what I been thinking,
there you go again,
with your stinger.
And you leave me on a limb, I’ll be helpless and I’m fighting to breathe love.
I want to love you honeybee, and I would completely,
But you see I have got a bee sting allergy.
You understand what that means?
I would die if you touched me, if only.”
Thursday, July 05, 2007
un update general.
Well I spose I just got back from CO like 2 days ago... Tonight I am sposed to be going to the Sage Francis concert with Becky, but she hasnt called... and Im a little worried she forgot. Morgan and Illy both showed interest in going as well.
Yesterday Morgan and Illy and I hung out, went to the nature center, took his pet iguana Jub Jub who took a dip in the lake, and seemed generally a happy shade of green... even though she was on a leash. Illy is a little jetlagged... either that or she has lost some memory. She just got home from several months in Israel. It was really nice to see her... felt sort of like home again.
Morgan is pretty much the guy I want to be sometimes, and it doesnt help that my mom thinks so too. Of course, morgan's mom loves me, even though she doesnt really know me.. she saw me perform a poem in like 7th grade and seems to have loved me since... i threw away that poem, and didnt invite my mom that night, so its gone forever.
He is a freelance graphic artist now... which is sweet.
We had a fun, end of the world conversation with illy's mom, she might be going through a midlife crisis, and really wants a tattoo.
ooh a good song just came on.... "Margin Walker" by Fugazi....
I dont know why I like this song so much, it sort of sounds like fugazi mixed with rancid.
Anyway...
I got back from CO... I seem to like Boulder more and more and I grow... in the same way that I feel like I might be more likely to actually live in uptown now... sort of growing in to my yuppiness... I hung with Pete and Kiera like the whole time... well I spose thats not entirely true... i also hung out with their friends...
highlights... Lauren's house in the moutains.... beautiful spacious.. lots of drunken fun.
the hot heat... it was like 75 but 7000 feet up thats a scorcher.
We saw sicko... which was awesome... and I fell in love with the woman sitting next to me (a stranger) just cuz of her eyes and smile and laugh.... and she was loud and awesome..
um lets see.... kiera's parents are awesome...
guitar hero
Colorado people are sort of weird socially, because they dont ask about your life, they just ask if you wanna do stuff with them... like "hey want to play soccer?" rather than "hey what do you do?"
I spent most of the weekend feeling rather selfconscious... as many of their friends are gorgeous and athletic and what not... and even though they eat bad food, drink way too much, smoke pot and drink energy drinks all the time, they generally were rather fit. I was rather.... crap next to them... and games that involve removal of clothes scare me... its a good thing i brought my towel.
my hair sucks right now.
I spose i need a girl friend. but havent met anyone. me and illy are in the same boat there. though maybe she doesnt need one.
anyway... um concert tonight, and saturday. and uh work on monday. and maybe some 3b stuff some time.
i forgot all the lyrics of the songs i wrote in the car... but got some good cds.
boulder seems smaller and smaller everytime i go. its about the size of slp i think but with 2.5 times the people.... i spose if u add the other towns its ok... but it is rather small.
Well I spose I just got back from CO like 2 days ago... Tonight I am sposed to be going to the Sage Francis concert with Becky, but she hasnt called... and Im a little worried she forgot. Morgan and Illy both showed interest in going as well.
Yesterday Morgan and Illy and I hung out, went to the nature center, took his pet iguana Jub Jub who took a dip in the lake, and seemed generally a happy shade of green... even though she was on a leash. Illy is a little jetlagged... either that or she has lost some memory. She just got home from several months in Israel. It was really nice to see her... felt sort of like home again.
Morgan is pretty much the guy I want to be sometimes, and it doesnt help that my mom thinks so too. Of course, morgan's mom loves me, even though she doesnt really know me.. she saw me perform a poem in like 7th grade and seems to have loved me since... i threw away that poem, and didnt invite my mom that night, so its gone forever.
He is a freelance graphic artist now... which is sweet.
We had a fun, end of the world conversation with illy's mom, she might be going through a midlife crisis, and really wants a tattoo.
ooh a good song just came on.... "Margin Walker" by Fugazi....
I dont know why I like this song so much, it sort of sounds like fugazi mixed with rancid.
Anyway...
I got back from CO... I seem to like Boulder more and more and I grow... in the same way that I feel like I might be more likely to actually live in uptown now... sort of growing in to my yuppiness... I hung with Pete and Kiera like the whole time... well I spose thats not entirely true... i also hung out with their friends...
highlights... Lauren's house in the moutains.... beautiful spacious.. lots of drunken fun.
the hot heat... it was like 75 but 7000 feet up thats a scorcher.
We saw sicko... which was awesome... and I fell in love with the woman sitting next to me (a stranger) just cuz of her eyes and smile and laugh.... and she was loud and awesome..
um lets see.... kiera's parents are awesome...
guitar hero
Colorado people are sort of weird socially, because they dont ask about your life, they just ask if you wanna do stuff with them... like "hey want to play soccer?" rather than "hey what do you do?"
I spent most of the weekend feeling rather selfconscious... as many of their friends are gorgeous and athletic and what not... and even though they eat bad food, drink way too much, smoke pot and drink energy drinks all the time, they generally were rather fit. I was rather.... crap next to them... and games that involve removal of clothes scare me... its a good thing i brought my towel.
my hair sucks right now.
I spose i need a girl friend. but havent met anyone. me and illy are in the same boat there. though maybe she doesnt need one.
anyway... um concert tonight, and saturday. and uh work on monday. and maybe some 3b stuff some time.
i forgot all the lyrics of the songs i wrote in the car... but got some good cds.
boulder seems smaller and smaller everytime i go. its about the size of slp i think but with 2.5 times the people.... i spose if u add the other towns its ok... but it is rather small.
