Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

I was re-reading some of the older entries.... 2004-2005... i didnt write a lot then because it made becky uncomfy when i talked about her, and had a lot of people around to vent to... so then it was a lot of bs....
still is i suppose...

Im still amazed that I dreamt that me and becky were going to break up before it happened... i dont understand how that is possible... but i remember having that dream... being horribly uncomfortable and nervous for a few days and then hearing her on the phone... before she said anything I knew.. cuz sometimes its the spacing before the words... and I have always picked up on those horrible secrets that way.... she had moved on while I was in montana... and I hadnt prepared...
Its funny because for like weeks after, whenever I would tell people we were broken up I would include the dream... the dream was the reality, the conversation just the confirmation. I must have seemed sort of weird... I remember feeling so ungodly uncomfortable for those few months before I met Lex. I was just so unsure of who I was, complete loss of identity.
I didnt lose that with Lex... I clung to my personality, I overdid my personality, and even at my most depressed when i was hurt and angry, it was because I hated my personality and what could be done to it. such different break ups.
I think Lex gave too much... like I had... and when she talks about being more aware of herself now, I believe her because I feel like maybe we went through the same shit... both loving people or ideas of people who we needed to love us, but who in order to protect themselves, or to do the right thing for themselves had to let go, had to reestablish themselves. i know im talking in circles...

Im really thankful for all my experiances... such sorrow has led me to wonders of joy.... but it was really hard to watch others go through that too. Im scared for my kids... will I ever let them live?
"we use to want it, now we never want it back. We'll choose the gauntlet! We use to want it now we never want it back, we'll prove we're honest!"
~plastic constallations.... "Quixote" sort of fitting I think.