Dream

 I woke up late because apparently I had only set one alarm.

I have the time though... and I was planning on driving anyway. 

Its snowing and looks windy as hell.

In the dream at first, I was picking up a neighbor who had two kids. I had apparently put out some sort of social media post about meeting neighbors... and going to the local community center. We went. I hadn't been before but because I was hosting, they were assuming I knew the place, knew the plan. 

We got to the adult pool which was in a different section of the community center. It was full of people. People I didn't know. The guy I was with did, but almost immediately he told me this isn't the area for the kids... he went off and met up with a few people he knew. I looked around and saw no one, all the adults seemed occupied. I went and hung out with his kids to make sure they were ok. 

They were confident kids. The kind that know everything (EG my niece and nephews). That point out that they know stuff. I let them lead me to the kid pool... or at least that's what I thought we were doing. Instead they led me through the whole community center. At some point they turned into M's kids, even though it wasn't them, I knew she was these kid's mother. 

We ate a lunch they had packed, and my Dad and Colleen were there, and maybe someone else. I got in an argument with Colleen she started about politics. The kids were getting bored and started acting up. I felt responsible for their safety, their wellbeing, their lunch bags that needed to be cleaned out. 

I wondered where their mom was, why she wasn't worried about where they were -when clearly a lot of this had been impromptu and we were running late. I wasn't even sure she knew I had them. 

At one point I pulled the girl in and taught her how to say- "I'm bored and want to leave the table." Like reenacted it, rather than allowing her to be disruptive. She nodded, but I am not sure she cared. 

The kids started wandering around outside the community center, not far from a highway. I was trying to do the dishes very fast so as to leave the community center room in somewhat clean shape. My Dad was asking me about the area... and I was a little frustrated that no one was watching the kids. They knew everything of course, but didn't they still need supervision?

Sometimes the sink would start to get too full and threaten to overflow... I worried I was clogging the drain. 

It felt like a dream in which I was doing everything wrong, and knew it, mistake after mistake, many pointed out to me, some old traps I fell into and felt self-righteous about, but not helpful, me trying to be the adult and wondering why no one was taking responsibility, but at the same time, nothing was on fire. There was no actual danger. Everyone else felt safe -though maybe also restless. 

Like one of those teaching dreams where I lose "control" over the classroom, but really its just a bunch of bored/restless kids. 

I woke up doubting a lot of the decisions I made yesterday at work. Wondering why I wasn't more curious, wondering why I felt like I knew better than others. Its a place to repair. Its a place to trust the process. Its a place to forgive myself for not being perfect. Nothing is on fire.