Christmas Eve

 

It is a Wednesday. Feels kind of odd to have the holidays midweek. I decided to take three days off total for a 5-day weekend. Not doing much, with the exception of a couple of family events. I slept in a bit, so I have that lingering migraine that I have pushed away with Excedrin, but probably I'll be slightly irritable. So far today I've done some laundry, some Spanish, some exercise. Still need to wrap some gifts. Still need to spend a few minutes at least with the guitar. 

I am not sure why it's so hard to be present, to be thoughtful, to feel homey. My apartment feels cluttered with too much stuff and no right place to put it. Some of it is temporary and will be given away, only to be replaced by more stuff in the next few days. We are keeping it relatively small this year. Between our lives -already full of consumer goods and the prices these days... Just doesn't make a lot of sense. 

I had a dream last night that I was hanging out with Don, and asking him how it felt to be part of their family. Asked him if things were ok, wanted some inside dirt, but also just to remind them I really did care. It was an awkward dream. I didn't feel I had the right, but also didn't feel like I needed to run away. 

For some reason I've been thinking about Becky a lot lately, about the time we went to her dad's for Christmas, about meeting up with her in York when she was married, about attending her wedding. Maybe because it was her birthday a few weeks back. Maybe because I watched a video where someone was in Leeds (which I visited on that same trip). I am not sure why I was thinking of her dad, he was barely a part of her life with the exception of a scary shadow in the background. It was a very awkward visit. She was uncomfortable the whole time, I was anxious as always. Her dad seemed to be trying his best but there was no relationship there. 

In some of these memories and dreams, I had so much of my heart invested, even if outwardly I seemed nonchalant or cold. I remember one time with Becky -she thought she had seen her abusive ex in a crowd, and I spent hours on edge and fuming and fantasizing about confronting him. I have a fantastical anger in me... it's odd. Sometimes it catches me by surprise. I was at McDonalds last night and a group of teens were there and for some reason I felt on edge and wondered how I'd respond if they were trying to show off. Imagining confrontation.  I must be angry about something I guess. 

What of this heart that imagines things, swells with love, with anger, with hurt, with fear... and then years later, I haven't talked to this person. Is she a stranger now?

I sent a few messages back and forth with Eduardo (J) a few nights ago. She is back in Perth for a few weeks... she seemed to have nothing to say to me, but asked questions, but didn't seem to want answers. Maybe she was busy. 6 months or so ago, we fell out of contact, and I felt a deep loss and worry. Then when we started chatting again, it felt kind of like strangers giving updates while running in different directions. Maybe it is time to let go? 

I keep thinking that I need to journal and figure out what I want to do next with my life... because even though I have the business up and running, it isn't meaningful -doesn't feel like it's going anywhere. What direction am I heading?  If life continues this way, is it ok?  I feel like I am fine, but is that all I want?   This morning in the gym an older guy, whose name is also mike, did a 15–20-minute workout. He's in retirement, audits classes at the University a mile or two down the street, volunteers in local organizations, is very bright, thoughtful, political. But I wondered if he had anywhere to go today or tomorrow. Maybe he doesn't celebrate... I know he moved to the cities a few years ago. (I learned all of this the first time I met him at a meet and greet in sept), but anyway... it made me wonder -is this my future?  Mike on the treadmill for 15 minutes, Mike doing a few lifts for a couple minutes... Mike with nowhere to go on the holidays because he doesn't have a family nearby?

And on some level, I was answering, that's not even the future -that's the present.  I mean, I have parents houses to go to. In the future will I stop by James' place? Friends?

A part of me wants to reach out to E. Ask her to hang out tomorrow morning. Go to church with her tonight. But at the same time there is another part of me saying don't rebuild a relationship you don't intend to have... you're leading her on.  She has started to go to First Universalist. I don't mind spending the time with her, but I don't see a future with her anymore, so it feels weird to seek her out for comfort or closeness in various ways.  She said she isn't doing Christmas with her family, maybe that is why I am having dreams about them. She said it feels empowering, but in my head I hear her saying "will you invite me to yours?" even though she isn't asking that aloud. 

See my messy, cluttered heart? 

Or is it just my mind that plays out these games.  Tonight and tomorrow will be fine. I'll spend time with family, and watch their kids play, and open presents, and eat food. I don't think I'll feel much of the 'christmas feeling.' It won't be magic. I'll probably come home a mix of glad to be away, and lonely. I'll consider having a THC drink. I'll prepare for the next day. 

My life is made up of lists and distractions. 5-6 mall tasks, never ask too much of myself. Not really contributing much to anybody else, because I made the mistake of trying to dedicate my life to taking care of others when that wasn't the key to a healthy relationship...  kna mean?

I feel like I am in a waiting space. Something I was watching reminded me that if you buy into that idea you're kind of creating the resistance to change... but I am having a hard time not experiencing it as waiting, slowly building skills, rebuilding foundations, trying in some ways to maintain my body, -while in other ways poisoning it. biding my time *for what?  waiting to be plucked from the crowd, to be chosen, to be sparked, like a car engine being jumped, revved up by something new. 

It would be nice to feel more creative... to write a poem, or make a piece of art I actually admired. I have not felt up to it. But its funny how the little things like playing guitar each day or doing spanish each day have built up my confidence that I can do things at all. I mean I will never be amazing at either, but I no longer believe I am doomed to suck so bad I can't try. I guess there is a difference that way. I can memorize chords at least. I can play around and think *wait that sounds like something... and even if I don't really know how to play any songs, I can play parts of songs and that is a start. 

I've been reading Andrea Gibson and its beautiful. She (they? cant remember), has a few stirring poems that make me cry. She has this one poem called "Good Grief" that is so simple: "Let your heart break, so your spirit doesn't"    feels like good advice. It comes to mind sometimes randomly. I probably need to let my heart break a few more times. I probably need to invite in a life that moves me, compels me, shifts me into new versions of myself, so that I can experience the full weight and capacity of whatever this life is... but how and why, and where do you let it in? 

I seem to be letting it in through my role and profession. I seem to be collecting the downtrodden, maybe even the ones who won't be able to pay their bills. Maybe I am doing it all wrong, doing it my old way... but really it just feels like I am being true to myself, and admiring others who are true to themselves in whatever capacity they are able to. I don't feel taken advantage of. I don't feel like I am limited in my ability or capacity -other than by what I have chosen. I am not bitter most of the time. 

But what next? J made a joke that I am always like that... trying to figure out what I am doing with my life. Like that is my mode. Maybe it is. Maybe I should just accept that what I am doing is writing on a 20 yr old blog to myself. 

Maybe I should try to recall memories on here, catalog a life, a past. Maybe I should be writing essays, here is the thesis, here is my evidence, here is my call to you. Maybe I should be using this space to be more creative, only write with germanic sounding words, latin sounding the next. Alliteration and rhyme? Stories only. 

Do I even have a story to tell? What have I done that is a story lately? I ran to the mall, I went to Menards, I visited a pet store with 2 giant tortoises. I left all of these places without anyone knowing me, and without knowing anyone. I now know there are two giant tortoises and a handful of really large snakes within a few blocks of my home, that is good to know, I guess. 

I saw or at least talked to 10 clients and a supervisee this week. Had some inspiring convos. Had some boring ones. Had some sad ones. Had some in which I felt unsure what to do, had some in which I felt like life would work out anyway... 

Was reminded me of the Duluth trip with M.  Was reminded of going to the McDonalds in Sao Paulo (the most racially diverse place I've ever been). Was reminded of listening to rock and punk music and being so angry at the world, and the ones who said I accept you anyway. Was reminded many many times of being in My Grandpa's church, journaling in the pews, the smell of incense, the sadness in the air, the quiet of those nights... the feeling like Christmas is as much an experience of deep grief and sorrow and questioning as it is a celebration... maybe even more so than celebration. 

On this night a child was born under threat, destined to be torn apart on your behalf, you ungrateful... I dare you to cherish him, to see him in your neighbor, your enemy, your own heart.

It reminds me how deeply I felt and took in these stories when I was little. How I knew things to be true... felt them so deeply. Felt them beyond words or logic... and now?  What do I know?  My universe has expanded soooooo greatly, and I am less sure than ever of anything except that it is our job to say yes to it.... despite all of our habits of saying no. 

Maybe I am just confused. Maybe my heart is messy. Maybe I am sad today like I am every christmas.