Middle of the night.

I have this desire to create something beautiful, meaningful, lasting… instead I watch YouTube or worse even, reels on Instagram. 

Vic and Katrina did this little art print workshop and it was really beautiful and inspiring… and it would be nice to just have the capacity to welcome… to be open. To give. I’m wound up playing my role too much. 

I haven’t read the book I was reading in a week. 

Last week I played guitar twice, I’m determined this week to play at least 15 minutes every day. Tonight I played for thirty, but only after laying in bed for like 4 hours in and out of sleep. 

I did not do the dishes, sweep or vacuum, wash the countertops… these are things I should do. 

I’m keeping up with my Spanish, so I know that small increments consistently matter. 

I’m keeping up with my work, though there are a few places I’ve fallen behind -namely Medicare and a call to Cigna. I have between 15-20 clients every week. It’s hard to know whether that is paying the bills. I’m behind on a credit card, but I also know it was the equivalent of the charitable donations I gave for give to the max day, so basically I was trying to live abundantly. I think I have enough saved for taxes, but who knows. I am working two days next week, and all five the following week, any appointment is making cash even if it’s 1-2 a day, that’s a few hundred coming in. 

I feel like I am managing socially, but not that active. I don’t feel like I’m a great friend to every body. But I’m still trying to say yes when people reach out. 

I bought a happy lamp I haven’t used yet. I feel like I’m out of counter space. 

I am not happy with my weight and the amount I crave sugar and desserts. I feel like my body is starting to work again, -

I’m going to the gym at least twice a week. Walking, tiny amounts of lifting… but I’m sure I’m not offsetting the amount I’m eating. The cravings are sooooo strong. Makes me want to take one of those shots, but I know they mess with your metabolism - so probably not a good idea. 

I’m running into a gray zone… I feel like I want to be dating someone, but I’m still spending a lot of time with E. And that’s probably not helpful to future prospects. It isn’t the same as it used to be. Sometimes I don’t even respond to her texts, as in, I let the conversation die, don’t follow up to every open door- etc. but it’s still nice to hear from her, and I still care a lot. Still worry. 

But how do I open the door to someone new? Not that there is anyone I’m meeting or anything, but even if there was…

I need to get a massage, but it’s so damn cold out I feel like my body would tighten up immediately after and defeat the purpose. 

This is apparently just a list of complaints and updates on the day to day.  Life feels ok. There is probably a lot I’m avoiding. I’m trying to be healthy and make slow progress towards my goals, but I feel out of balance some times. The SAD is not helping. Some days I feel terrrible and other days just fine. I feel anxious a lot for no reason,feel like I’m behind, when everything is just fine. Like all weekend I felt like I was procrastinating my work. Like it was looming over my head, and then today I just caught up in between sessions. I didn’t even have to do any over the weekend. Got it all done. This week is a light week for work, next week will be too obvi. So what do I want to spend my time doing? And how do I get out of this mindset that there isn’t enough to go around? 

I keep feeling like something drastic is gonna happen, and part of me wants that, something to launch me into the next chapter. This chapter is slow, it’s rebuilding, it’s creating a structure and a platform, but for what?

The news everyday I so upsetting. It’s weird to have a high standard of living in a country that clearly is falling apart. 

I guess I should be grateful for what I have. I did not win the lottery the other day… and that’s probably for the best. 

Well I should probably go to bed. 

The world feels heavy

I’m not sure what to say exactly other than the title. I feel very blessed and grateful to have opportunities and to have such wonderful people in my life, to be close to friends and family, to have people who have been with me for decades or just days, but who are sooo beautiful and amazing. I have resources and meaningful work, I have the opportunity to be creative, or take care of myself, or veg out and indulge in nothingness, whatever I can choose… but damn the world feels so heavy right now.  So much grief, sorrow, suffering and though some of it is natural, it’s made all the worse by the fact that so much of it is humans choosing this. 

There are people weighing on my heart, and I don’t really even feel like I can say the things I mean… I live my life so afraid to be fully present, so afraid that something might happen or I won’t be able to respond, or I’ll be taken advantage of  or whatever… I’m not sure what will change that, but despite my actions and stoic responses, I’m a little guy with a very big very full heart, that breaks routinely. And lately it is heavy.

This week is gonna feel busy till Friday. I hope to make some meaningful connections or progress on things, and also just keep my head above the water.  

I dunno. 

Just need to say this

 

I’m so mad at myself for not being normal enough to have kids. I’m so sad that I probably won’t have them. I feel like my heart has become too hard, and I’ll never really love without holding back… 

And I’m kind of devastated that I wasn’t dumb enough to fuck up in a way that gave me kids. Maybe I’m infertile anyway or something… I just. I feel like half of life has been cut off early. 

I don’t know if that’s how other childless people feel, but I feel that way right now. And I’m so sad and mad at myself. 

I watched this video and this girl just starts the video with “hey baby… “ as she is talking to the viewer and I had this thought about what if I did a video every time I had a moment I wanted to shared with my child… (and I thought of the miscarriage)  and I just fell apart. I want to go to bed now, even though that’s not healthy. I know I should have compassion for myself or do some self care or turn it into creativity… but I’m just kind of like what’s the point? 

I have a really long day at work tomorrow.

The world is fucked up, and I fucked up. And I don’t even have anyone to share the fuck ups with. 

So that’s tonight. 

I’m not suicidal or anything, but if I ever am. This is my note. I tried really hard to do the right things, but I didn’t. I know it.  And I don’t have anything to show for it.