what is it that looks?

 Anna Brown asks, reminding us that we are not our thoughts, feelings, even sensations, we are the thing that acknowledges those. 

What is the thing that recognizes that I am looking at the screen?

thats the real me, and I have the choice in what I pay attention to. 

This weekend was a good example. 

I was sort of dreading seeing a friend I haven't seen since covid began, worried about not having anything to say, not feeling connected, not feeling like it was worth my time. I went anyway, had a fine time, realized I probably need to see this friend more so that this isn't my narrative.

Took a different route home, saw new things, enjoyed the scenery.

Ate at some places I used to go. 

Went back to my stuck routines. 

I woke up this morning and wanted to go back to bed. This weekend I had multiple dreams in which I was in conflict with people because I couldn't communicate well enough to get them to understand. I woke up cranky, feeling depleted, wanting to go back and reverse the situations... I didn't want to exist, had nothing to wake up for, felt fucking dismal. I went back to bed without coffee or head ache meds, and woke up again around noon. I grabbed coffee, went for a walk with my Dad, felt good again. Went to target, did laundry, made dinner, shaved (first time in months), did the dishes after dinner. 

Such major shifts in my mood and thoughts. And what is the difference?  coffee, yes, but also, just what I put my mind into. 

I keep thinking about how I need to change my mind set around dating and social life. That if I live into my anxiety, it will depress me, whereas if I do all the things "I know I should" then everything will be fine. Everything is fine. I am just... paying attention to all the wrong stuff and then judging myself and my circumstances based on that. But I can choose differently.

We shall see if I can remind myself this week. 

I am trying to work out more and told myself no dessert until you work out. I need to be more deliberate in my actual life. Apparently the tarot reader I am watching agrees.