or not.... money its a gas ... what are you worth

 

You ever cross one of those economic class barriers that you didn't recognize until it was too late?

Private pay therapy is one of those. I don't know what I was thinking, but crunching the numbers for even a moment and suddenly I was like... damn I will resent the fuck out of this therapist as my bank account depreciates. 

Now I am trying to figure out why I didn't see it coming. No rates on the website, not discussed during the phone call but alluded to, these are wealthy people things... you don't talk money because you have money. You talk connections, location, maybe time.  I guess she probably falls along the line of the area that she is located. Upper middle class. I should have asked more questions, her hourly rate is more than I make in a single day. I know I don't make much... "community mental health" is the title given to my line of work, which means you don't make shit but you serve the community. 

What I "aspire" to be... class is a weird thing. Everything is weird, but the rules and expectations of class feel especially ridiculous. I often try to remove myself from all that jazz. I saw a wedding party near Lake of the Isles and they looked so fancy, but at the same time, just like normal people. I was thinking that likely each of their outfits was like a month of my pay. And if I was invited to a wedding like that? I'd feel so out of place. 

As a "therapist" or "counselor" etc... I could make what this lady makes. I have friends with the same degree that are seeking out about what I make in a day for each hour of therapy. And I guess, my assumption is that I will end up doing that too. My mom charged $150 an hour -though she took insurance. I am sure there were some folks who didn't use it. 

I have friends in other fields who make 2-3-4-5 times more than me for doing less work, less responsibility, less liability and with less schooling. 

This is an interesting situation. Some folks talk about mental health and say you have to invest in yourself, kind of like a -pay money to make money scheme. Some folks would also justify it as an investment in self. I know therapy, and I know that I would feel taken advantage of, because I have the knowledge, what I don't have is the sounding board. An accurate mirror. How much would you pay for a good mirror? 

Thinking about having a therapist and what I would say to them did change my internal thought patterns a tad bit though. I started thinking about how to explain stuff to another person. Thats my favorite thing about having a person, a partner, etc. I think to them, instead of just to myself. Eventually when I go crazy or become a fanatic, I'll do that to G-d all the time like Rumi, but for now its just my own neurosis. 

My mom invited me over mid afternoon, and the thought was like "of course I am not coming over" in my head. It made me wonder why I have that reaction.  What I came up with is: introversion, other plans (that I was counting on), worries about not enjoying myself, investing too much energy, giving without receiving, and the spontaneity bringing up nervousness.  Then I was thinking about the relationship I have with my parents, and how in some ways we are more like friends, but not drop in friends. Then I was thinking about how some people have that with their families, the stop by, random drop in, assumption of availability. 

My family doesn't mean to be cold, but we are not warm welcoming folks. Midwestern room temperature? They'll give hugs and say welcome but it's more like, we agreed to be imposed upon for this time period. I don't think that was ever stated, it was something we decided on without talking about it. Steve and Ali hate it, and they wish it was more warm. The rest of us balk at the imposition though we might not say it directly. 

I went for a walk, and to target. Every time I go out now I look around and I am envious of people. I feel like I am not part of the club. The normal life club. I am in the single and sad club of people others avoid. I don't think it is exactly like that, but it certainly feels more like that than anything else. The third wheel? The creepo? Maybe part of the reason I clung to that relationship was because it bought me a sense of feeling normal for just a bit, a poem I never finished, "thank you for lending me some purpose for a time."

The envy is gonna be the real killer of me. I will get resentful and detest people, but really I am just jealous that they seem to have an easier time of it... 'seem' of course being the right word. I don't assume most people have it easier, just different. Eriksonian stages "Intimacy vs. Isolation" perhaps riding the line of "generatively vs stagnation" and of course replaying ALL of the previous stages constantly throughout each day. 

I know most people wonder if they are normal, but I was thinking that I have rarely ever been given the feedback that I am. Love me, hate me, ignore me, but most people who have met me give me some sort of feedback that I am weird. The teens I work with have shared that their first reaction was that I was unsafe, and their second reaction in many cases after getting to know me, was that I was the safest adult. But that order is interesting. I think it resonates with my fear and the responsibility I feel to present myself the way I do.