what is it that looks?

 Anna Brown asks, reminding us that we are not our thoughts, feelings, even sensations, we are the thing that acknowledges those. 

What is the thing that recognizes that I am looking at the screen?

thats the real me, and I have the choice in what I pay attention to. 

This weekend was a good example. 

I was sort of dreading seeing a friend I haven't seen since covid began, worried about not having anything to say, not feeling connected, not feeling like it was worth my time. I went anyway, had a fine time, realized I probably need to see this friend more so that this isn't my narrative.

Took a different route home, saw new things, enjoyed the scenery.

Ate at some places I used to go. 

Went back to my stuck routines. 

I woke up this morning and wanted to go back to bed. This weekend I had multiple dreams in which I was in conflict with people because I couldn't communicate well enough to get them to understand. I woke up cranky, feeling depleted, wanting to go back and reverse the situations... I didn't want to exist, had nothing to wake up for, felt fucking dismal. I went back to bed without coffee or head ache meds, and woke up again around noon. I grabbed coffee, went for a walk with my Dad, felt good again. Went to target, did laundry, made dinner, shaved (first time in months), did the dishes after dinner. 

Such major shifts in my mood and thoughts. And what is the difference?  coffee, yes, but also, just what I put my mind into. 

I keep thinking about how I need to change my mind set around dating and social life. That if I live into my anxiety, it will depress me, whereas if I do all the things "I know I should" then everything will be fine. Everything is fine. I am just... paying attention to all the wrong stuff and then judging myself and my circumstances based on that. But I can choose differently.

We shall see if I can remind myself this week. 

I am trying to work out more and told myself no dessert until you work out. I need to be more deliberate in my actual life. Apparently the tarot reader I am watching agrees. 

Spoon Theory, CBT, motivation, pleasure, finding self in the larger world

It’s hard to change patterns. Especially when they challenge your core beliefs or values. Or when you aren’t sure what the outcome will be. Or when you are just too fucking introverted and introspective to not overthink it.

I’ve been getting feedback from bosses at work that they know I am more capable than I am demonstrating. I haven’t necessarily known what to do with that. There are reasons I pull back, and then other times I share too much and people give me a look like “damn, you’re too much.”

If I can’t sort through my thoughts first, people usually end up more confused… too many ideas and feelings at once, and they often ask, what they are supposed to do with the heap I leave on their door step. At an annual performancereview on Monday I got mostly 3 out of 4s. I suggested I am reluctant to step up more for two reasons: A) I don’t really want to care-take my coworkers –an experience I felt like I was starting to do the previous few weeks, because most of them are younger and I see their shit too clearly when I ask. B) I am worried about stepping on the toes of the folks who are technically supposed to be doing the work that I am feeling called to step up in. For instance my newer coworker who is managing the Mental Health Workers. I want them to be like new clinicians, but really they are just like post undergrad first job type workers who don’t know the ins and outs of mental health. If they are curious, I could teach classes… but the impression I get is that they are only half in. Too busy, too overwhelmed, and would rather spend their time socializing -post undergrad, but still in adolescence, you remember that, right? That thing where you lose your community from college and are desperate for a new one… half of them have multiple jobs and it feels like a lot to ask.

So it puts me in an odd position where I don’t want to do the thing that is natural and exciting to me, the thing I have always done, sticking my nose in other people’s business… and I am not exactly sure what else to do… because it still needs to be done and the fact that it isn’t done raises my anxiety through the roof some days.

But is it just my core shit playing out? Yeah… if things are going less than perfect, it’s my fault. If someone is hurting or dramatic, it’s my job. If there is a system that needs problem solving, I’ll jump in… but ask me to do more paperwork? Fuck you.


This week has been odd for me. Folks are reaching out and asking to hang out. Folks I haven’t seen for months or years. I have not felt motivated to be social at all. There are only a few people I genuinely want to see. In general, I feel very much like I did a few years ago, like my friendships aren’t getting me anywhere. Like my reliance on my parents as walking buddies, isn’t getting me anywhere. Like my life time of caretaking is gonna keep me from getting what I actually want. It is all very nice to see folks, but they don’t excite me, and don’t necessarily challenge me in the ways I want to be challenged. I am stuck. That’s what I am saying. I want to have a girlfriend, a family, a community, and none of it feels within reach.

This morning another 30 something single dude I know posted something on facebook basically saying ‘if it weren’t for obligations to others, I am not sure I’d still be here most days.’ And I felt that. It’s like low grade functional depression. I can muster the energy for work, but beyond that I usually wonder what the fucking point is. Grub, TV/games, work, sleep, porn, writing, the occasional walk, the occasional chat… nothing different day after day, and the only thing with any meaning is the work. The writing and the walks support my growth, but for what?

And of course, I know that I should be exercising more and eating healthy, and meditating, and likely medicating, and that all of these things might improve my energy and motivation, but then what? More energy to sit around?

Most nights this week I have taken a nap, ate too much junk food, stayed up too late overthinking and fantasizing, and then slept in slightly later than I should have. Didn’t have much reason to get to work at my normal time because it wouldn’t matter. Maybe its summer. Maybe its ‘moral distress’ as an article I read today put it. Maybe it’s the impact of Covid, but I was here before the pandemic… and that brings me to that beginning thing.

Gonna head into therapy again soon. I know what I “need to” work on, but am I actually ready for change? Not really. All the action oriented things that might improve my situation has never really changed these core beliefs about myself and the world. All of the thinking and talking hasn’t either. Not sure what I am expecting really. Maybe I don’t need to know. Maybe that’s a big part of my issue, feeling like I should know everything all the time.

When I was bored and under performing in the past I would add more, but then just get burnt out. Investing in friends, and organizations and work, didn’t necessarily change anything for me, even though I might have had more going on. I have been proud of my contributions, but nothing lasts forever including the pride you place in accomplishments, including the ecstatic feelings, including the heart shattering.

I think that’s the thing I am struggling with socially. Its like, well sitting at home is a 4 out of 10 on the fun scale, and hanging with a friend is a 4.25-4.5, but dealing with logistics and all that? Probably not worth it.

Spoon theory? Too many spoons spent, not enough things replacing spoons these days.

When people ask me what would be the replacement, I can’t really say. I am not sure it exists anymore. I miss being loved and loving someone. I don’t want that with my friends and family. Not really. I mean, there are friends who I’d assume it would be more like a 6 or 7 out of 10 to hang with them… worth my time, but I don’t see them often because they live far away and it would be a special occasion. If they lived here and I got into a pattern of taking care of them, rapid diminishment of spoons, as has happened with some of the folks I like here.

My trip to Boston at times was really giving, and then other times it felt like a total drag.

Each night when I am fantasizing my book, it feels giving, exciting, connecting, but then I try to sit and type and nothing comes. It feels depleting.

We watched the movie “Five feet apart” today and though all the staff remarked that it was super cheesy, I was crying my eyes out. Some of that is past relationships coming up. But part of it was that they just jammed the entirety of life into 2 hours… a love affair, fear, guilt, shame, core issues. It was predictable and hard to watch at times, but it was lovely. The framing of the narrative allowed for it, people without time are desperate to pack it all in, each moment matters more… plus they are teens… But maybe I was a little jealous for my own person to live for?



Victoria sent me excerpts from this post by Adrienne Marie Brown http://adriennemareebrown.net/2021/08/19/the-darwin-variant-and-or-love-of-the-fittest/

Some of it is so relatable, and some is something to strive for?

“I have sought to offer and experience all kinds of love throughout my life. I have learned that I can love people who will still choose to leave me, to risk their lives, and I will feel grief. I have been learning that there is the big collective massive love I feel for all that lives, and then the tangible offer of love as an energy, resource and commitment which I can only give to those with whom I am in a mutual, consensual and aligned relationship.”

“And, as is my practice, when I can see where that edge of growth is, I seek it in myself. Where in my own life do I still persist in actions that presuppose my importance and supremacy, rather than accept my small role in our collective existence?”


Later in the post she talks about also centering pleasure in the discourse (author/editor of pleasure activism, a book I could never get more than a few pages into), but I was thinking that as she talks about centering and celebrating what feels good, that is one of the big troubles I struggle to share with folks. The things that give me good feelings, don’t necessarily give others the same. So how to create a relationship or community when the language of pleasure/fun/excitement isn’t mutual?



Anywho… I am getting sick of writing. Probably go veg out and take a nap.

human emotion

 

Saturday. Got coffee, went for a walk, listened to some Chili Peppers. Wanted to sing, but my voice has been shit lately. Not sure what I am doing with my life today. Want some love and excitement, but don't want to talk to anyone, avoiding drama while wanting excitement. Same old story. 

I slept poorly most of the week, had a bunch of days where I needed to wake up early, had a bunch of days where I took a nap for too long after work. 

My coworkers and I are in the middle of our own stuff. It comes up when you are in this field. I don't think people who aren't in the field understand how that happens. Our job requires us to work through our stuff in order to be good at the job. Similar to parenting except not...

Yesterday I read a silly article on numerology and went around asking my coworkers for their birthdates, everyone said it was surprisingly accurate. Mine was an 11 again, oddly accurate. 

Had a lot of good conversations with my coworkers this week, but also feel like we are slipping. Like things aren't getting done in the way they need to get done. It feels kind of yuck some times. Yesterday my coworker had the students watch The Breakfast Club, but wasn't prepared for their reactions and it felt like that is the exact issue I have with the program... not enough foresight. But again, maybe that is just my issue in life. I am writing a book about it after all... which always amuses me when people call me out on it. I am like YES Prometheus made us, not Epimetheus... but oh well.   

My family had a weird group text moment in which my Dad asked people to come over, and my Brother said no because family members aren't vaccinated, and my step sister went off on my brother. and it all felt really gross. Now I don't want to talk to any of them... even though I wasn't involved. It just felt really toxic. Too many unprocessed emotions (fear, envy, hurt, anger, defensiveness, etc) , not enough empathy to understand. 

I think the fear of another wave is hitting everyone differently. I don't think we should shut down permanently, but I also think people should get vaccinated. I think viruses are part of life, and some of us will die. The issue should be treated with respect, not brushed off, and people can do what they can, but hiding from life isn't a great solution. That being said, maybe I am speaking of my own circumstances. Maybe I am afraid of living another year in isolation. Maybe I am already worried about how my life doesn't seem on track, and shutting down seems like it would make me hide further?

Maybe I just need to join more online communities. Maybe I need to quit my job and move somewhere else before lock down? Maybe I need to get a fishing license... who knows. 

I made a student cry this week. I make her cry all the time, but it was because she was shutting down and she needed to speak, and I asked her to speak, but she couldn't. Emotional panic attacks are no joke, but they happen because we aren't expressing ourselves openly enough. I had a bunch related to M... before and maybe after, I think I might have had one during. It was a weird thing.  I heard today that the reason I dwell has to do with intermittent rewards, and sunk cost bias... both of which make sense. I don't think about her much during the week when I am focused on work and recovery. But lonely weekends...

That coworker whose energy I am starting to like avoided me for a few days last week (or was busy, but it felt more intentional), but she didn't at all this week and it was nice. I had a lot of really positive feedback from people this week. Not sure what it means. Maybe my energy isn't as dead? 

Mitski - Drunk walk home (Live Boston Calling 2017)

Just such a good fucking rock song.

Listening to her for hours each day. 

or not.... money its a gas ... what are you worth

 

You ever cross one of those economic class barriers that you didn't recognize until it was too late?

Private pay therapy is one of those. I don't know what I was thinking, but crunching the numbers for even a moment and suddenly I was like... damn I will resent the fuck out of this therapist as my bank account depreciates. 

Now I am trying to figure out why I didn't see it coming. No rates on the website, not discussed during the phone call but alluded to, these are wealthy people things... you don't talk money because you have money. You talk connections, location, maybe time.  I guess she probably falls along the line of the area that she is located. Upper middle class. I should have asked more questions, her hourly rate is more than I make in a single day. I know I don't make much... "community mental health" is the title given to my line of work, which means you don't make shit but you serve the community. 

What I "aspire" to be... class is a weird thing. Everything is weird, but the rules and expectations of class feel especially ridiculous. I often try to remove myself from all that jazz. I saw a wedding party near Lake of the Isles and they looked so fancy, but at the same time, just like normal people. I was thinking that likely each of their outfits was like a month of my pay. And if I was invited to a wedding like that? I'd feel so out of place. 

As a "therapist" or "counselor" etc... I could make what this lady makes. I have friends with the same degree that are seeking out about what I make in a day for each hour of therapy. And I guess, my assumption is that I will end up doing that too. My mom charged $150 an hour -though she took insurance. I am sure there were some folks who didn't use it. 

I have friends in other fields who make 2-3-4-5 times more than me for doing less work, less responsibility, less liability and with less schooling. 

This is an interesting situation. Some folks talk about mental health and say you have to invest in yourself, kind of like a -pay money to make money scheme. Some folks would also justify it as an investment in self. I know therapy, and I know that I would feel taken advantage of, because I have the knowledge, what I don't have is the sounding board. An accurate mirror. How much would you pay for a good mirror? 

Thinking about having a therapist and what I would say to them did change my internal thought patterns a tad bit though. I started thinking about how to explain stuff to another person. Thats my favorite thing about having a person, a partner, etc. I think to them, instead of just to myself. Eventually when I go crazy or become a fanatic, I'll do that to G-d all the time like Rumi, but for now its just my own neurosis. 

My mom invited me over mid afternoon, and the thought was like "of course I am not coming over" in my head. It made me wonder why I have that reaction.  What I came up with is: introversion, other plans (that I was counting on), worries about not enjoying myself, investing too much energy, giving without receiving, and the spontaneity bringing up nervousness.  Then I was thinking about the relationship I have with my parents, and how in some ways we are more like friends, but not drop in friends. Then I was thinking about how some people have that with their families, the stop by, random drop in, assumption of availability. 

My family doesn't mean to be cold, but we are not warm welcoming folks. Midwestern room temperature? They'll give hugs and say welcome but it's more like, we agreed to be imposed upon for this time period. I don't think that was ever stated, it was something we decided on without talking about it. Steve and Ali hate it, and they wish it was more warm. The rest of us balk at the imposition though we might not say it directly. 

I went for a walk, and to target. Every time I go out now I look around and I am envious of people. I feel like I am not part of the club. The normal life club. I am in the single and sad club of people others avoid. I don't think it is exactly like that, but it certainly feels more like that than anything else. The third wheel? The creepo? Maybe part of the reason I clung to that relationship was because it bought me a sense of feeling normal for just a bit, a poem I never finished, "thank you for lending me some purpose for a time."

The envy is gonna be the real killer of me. I will get resentful and detest people, but really I am just jealous that they seem to have an easier time of it... 'seem' of course being the right word. I don't assume most people have it easier, just different. Eriksonian stages "Intimacy vs. Isolation" perhaps riding the line of "generatively vs stagnation" and of course replaying ALL of the previous stages constantly throughout each day. 

I know most people wonder if they are normal, but I was thinking that I have rarely ever been given the feedback that I am. Love me, hate me, ignore me, but most people who have met me give me some sort of feedback that I am weird. The teens I work with have shared that their first reaction was that I was unsafe, and their second reaction in many cases after getting to know me, was that I was the safest adult. But that order is interesting. I think it resonates with my fear and the responsibility I feel to present myself the way I do. 

no mind

 

Sometimes this funny thing happens to me when I wake up late, which is that my mind doesn't do the normal 3 thoughts at once thing. It's almost like de facto meditation. I have to concentrate to think. I can just stare at stuff and not have thoughts. It's so weird. 

I don't actually enjoy it because it feels like sludge. Like I want to be creative or thought provoking, but instead I just have a slight headache and an empty brain. I end up being 900 x more passive. I just sit and watch shit on instagram or youtube, and nothing matters or makes sense. It's kind of like, what's the point?

I am sure if I lived in a monastery I would go crazy, not just with too many thoughts, but when there weren't enough. I could sit at a lake, and not feel or think anything, and then over time I would start to feel like I was wasting my time because nothing was happening. Existence. Existence is... something I haven't gotten my head around. I can do a body scan, I can send out my awareness, but when it happens without my approval, the lack, its just like.... what is happening or not happening? 

Anyway, I am having some writer's block. Considering going home and doing nothing, rather than being at a coffee shop and doing nothing. 

Saturday

Probably gonna do some fun writing today. It's been raining and it is gray out. Maybe go for a walk with pops. Maybe play some more comp games or watch HBO. Watched suicide squad 2 yesterday. It was pretty good. 

Listening to a discussion between Robin DiAngelo and Resmaa Manakem, Robin saying "I am comfortable in a racist society... 'there is no inherent loss in living a segregated life." It makes me question myself, and where I am at. But I like their discussion because it feels nuanced, or leads to more questions. 

I find it very difficult to listen to progressives these days, and I think on a few fronts, because:

    A) I hear white guilt, not love, not desire for connection. I hear fragilizing and white saviorism. I hear people virtue signaling "I am so woke" and its just a different way of flaunting privilege.  As Robin says we have to think more about "Whats in it for us? ... not doing it for them..."

    B) I am aware that I am not gonna do the social justice work that changes the system at this time. In my daily life I am not seeking out the connections and love myself... I am offering it where and when I can, but not seeking it out. In essence, I am part of the problem.  In this discussion, they talk about the difference between showing and telling, you have to be different, not just talk/cognate differently. I am not sure that is where I am at... even if its what I want to be. 

    C) I am aware that it is so much bigger than the America centric view that we often see in these conversations. People's truths are subjective, and objectively we are part of larger whole of humanity. This culture and history is not separate from the larger whole. I like that Resmaa goes back in history, reminding us that white bodies came from a brutal system in which white bodies policed and tortured white bodies far before they did it to other bodies. In this discussion, he shares that equity work is different than cultural healing (anti-racist culture). 

I am not really involved in any community right now.  I think about SoT a lot, and how we were forming something like that... but it dissolved. Will I ever be in community again? Work community? I have a desire to be closer to my coworkers, but I am also aware that the younger ones are at a completely different stage of life, and the ones who are at my level have their own stuff going on. 

Potentially starting with a new therapist on Wednesday, but no insurance coverage so... that's gonna be expensive. I am hopeful, but I am also somewhat guarded. Its also just weird to let someone new in your life. How much do I share? What is important to share?  She named it in the phone call, my inner manager is pretty on guard. 

What? desperation, more complaining

This weekend has been a funny one. Simply in my head. Nothing more or less. I played games and watched shows and movies. I saw no one. Spoke to few. The lack of air quality kept me in doors Friday and Saturday for the most part. Today I took a walk. I didn't really respond to Rachel, the one person who asked to hang out. I sent a message to Jesse talking about the desperation I felt for something meaningful, while ignoring all the potential meaningful things I could have done. I got groceries and cleaned a bit. Almost felt bad for doing too much, because something has to be saved for later, right? Did a bit of writing, and realized it lacked substance. Read a tiny bit. Considered whether I should try to develop a crush on a coworker, just to have something. It's really a funny thing the mind does, tricks you into believing there isn't opportunity, when really you've just been ignoring it. 

I spend all my time minimizing, and rationalizing, and trying to be good. Trying to align my behavior with  my values, and when I can't do just right, when I am feeling too irrationally needy, I just go home and spend all my time blathering in my head. Drama in my head rather than acting it out.  Some of the stories say Karma doesn't just depend on action, its also what you think... well in that case I am up for another lifetime of this. 

Too much sugar this weekend. Too much non-involvement in anything meaningful. But not really any consequences for the moment. Maybe in the long run, it's the lifetimes of this. Like my immortal character, who becomes bored with everything. I thought I was clever, but really I am just fooling myself. But will I awake at 40, or 80 feeling the same?  The say loneliness kills people more than the other things... so sugar take me away before the isolation!

And the funny thing is, that I could book a flight for Jerusalem or Lhasa tomorrow. Walk away from this life. I could start a new business. I could eat pizza. I could adopt a child. I could do so many things... but instead I will go to work, and likely repeat the same pattern for another week. 

"The apocalypse is boring" I told Jesse. I have so little to do, and have pared down all my stressors to nothing. Parents have real worries... I have neuroses. I am 'privileged enough' that I have lost all my substance. I could float away and it wouldn't matter. 

Pay your rent. Pay your car insurance. Turn in your licensure paperwork. Prepare for another week. 

What is my goal this week? What will make it different than the last? What could I invite in to make myself feel like I was on track to something... anything. 

No context. Or rather the context is all in my head. 

I have a half written book, and if I die the hours won't have mattered. I have an apartment full of art I made and dislike. I have bins of things I have bought on trips that mean nothing to anyone. I have musical instruments that would get more use if I left them outside my apartment door. I have a steam account that would tell you I have played hours of a game and I am still not very good at it. I have a few bank accounts that are surprisingly flush, but I have no intention of using them any time soon, and if I die tonight, I hope they would go to my niece and nephew's college and travel funds.  I have a lot of thoughts and feelings that I don't think matter a whole lot in the long run, because I won't use them to change anything big... and the world is yucky right now. 

And I could do horrible things. Or I could do neutral things. Or I could do good things. Or I could just complain and go to bed and keep doing the same. And what does it matter?

Noureen says I have an air of death about me... like I have given up. Some of these weekends... I just resign to existence. But it's not all bad. I am also very grateful for all the wonders and curiosities and beauty and love. I just wonder if I have already received my fill... you know?  Or maybe the next part of my life is about to begin, and I needed to get sick of this one, to really appreciate the new. That could be true. 

Or maybe I will get E coli or hepatitis, or some horrible virus from a lover and so G-d is keeping me from them, because I am supposed to stay on this purpose for a while longer. 

Or maybe the apocalypse is just more slow and boring for privileged single folks like myself, and that's the price we pay for not having to live in scarcity and survival mode. Boredom... loneliness. 

Jesse responded that the short message I sent her should be my dating profile, but it just reeked of desperation and even though I am that, I am averse to that in people. I don't actually want to save anyone or be saved. I want to be inspired again. I want to have hope again. I want to believe in people and in myself.  But the weather app has said that the weather is "smoke" for the past few days... and the world just isn't sitting right with me right now. There is a reckoning for what we have done, and continue to do. And I am just as worthy of that recompense. Universe, I give you my services, my body, my neuroses, and eventually all my resources. This is all I have, and all I will ever have to give.