6/5/21
I see my life heading down 2 or 3 very different paths. I suppose it's always been like this. The path I am on, the path I desire, the path of death (decay).
That last one is the easiest, so let's start there -its simple, something happens that leads to decay, maybe it is quick -a car accident, a heart attack, maybe it is drawn out, a coma, cancer, -a life of dependency -a traumatic brain injury, -something that radically shifts -either I die or my life becomes focused on the struggle of day to day survival. There is a lesson there. Either way, it is an option. The path of decline.
The path I desire, goes from the path I am on, to a relationship, it might come out of the blue, someone says "hi" at a coffee shop, a romance that forms from something else, a random chat on a dating app, a work person, a church person... the relationship develops into a family, a new purpose, a passing forward -traditional in many senses but my life is no longer my own. I am tied to others indefinitely a continuation -that will ask more of me, require more of me, than just my own self... new adventures, new changes, new awareness.
-it could happen anytime, but I won't just fall into it, won't take the easy route... I don't want to adopt (alone), I don't want a fall back or a settling.
-another way this could happen is a radical shift -eg moving to a commune, a dedication to a larger family. Starting a business, something beyond myself... not quite the desire right now, but maybe...
Lastly the path I am on.
This path is often a tight rope (internally at least), its moving slowly forward, building confidence, serving, then taking time for myself, but not quite balanced by anything (outside of myself). Its growth but also stagnation. Anxiety binds it. its very self oriented at times - a pushing away of everything - and very outward focused in the work. Nothing wrong, slow, drama free (except internally). Ultimately "good" but at the cost of something, or at least, I fear it is. At the cost of -I dunno -but it feels like at some point I will resent it, rebel, run away, fish or worse, the same old patter.
Maybe it is a not quite honest life, a put on hold for a time.
Maybe it is heading in the right direction and I am impatient.
(continued later)
It's not so much that this current path is bad, its just, what is it leading to? Where do I want it to go and if it doesn't lead to the path of desire, and is only a continuation of what is and has been... then every few years I will fall in love and be heart broken, every few years I will leave town for a long trip and not share it with anyone, every few years the friends I gather will head off on new paths, and meanwhile I will gather skills and work and then burn myself out with bitterness.
Likely I will head away from working with adolescents, become an outpatient therapist, then go in to private practice, teach or do workshops on the side. A continuation of the path I've been on and one that would seem natural and good, and feel appropriate to me.
Times will call in changes. Family and friends will move away or move on. The world will become more chaotic, or simpler. Children will become adolescents will become adults before my eyes, and my own visage will start to show its age.
It was 99 degrees out today, so after I left the coffee shop in which I was journaling, I thought I should try to brainstorm 10 or 15 things I could do to change my life that would be semi reasonable.
Become a yogi. Become a monk. Move to a new city, or a small town. Start a totally different career that doesn't require taking care of people (I cannot even imagine this). Buy a house -make it an art house, plant a garden. Leave the country. Start a bad relationship. Join a fitness club and take classes. Take hallucinogens and have a spiritual experience. Get a big camper or a van that I can customize and go on the road. Start a business. Get a pet -like a snake, a giant boa (be that guy). Get a tattoo of a snake and think about it like I am shedding my old skin. Start posting art and poetry in public spaces again. Join or start a commune?
I watched the Bo Burnham special again and loved it again. I cleaned parts of my apartment and took out a bunch of trash and other stuff that was just collecting for no reason. I have all these acrylic pour art canvases that I hate and I am not sure if I should try to cover them again or just throw them out. Seems wasteful. The hobby is incredibly expensive and wasteful. My apartment is still messy and disorganized. I could spend tomorrow or later tonight cleaning it up... Maybe. It just feels like some things will never have their right place, because they need to be out and accessible. My desk for instance is covered with random things I want within reach. Pills and vitamins. Writing utensils. Candles. A checkbook. A few post its. Hand lotion. Incense. There is candy and cashews within reach. There are tarot cards and a back massager in reach.
But there are also things I don't know where to stow away, the keyboard my dad brought over that I have barely touched. The collection of masks I pull from each day (need like a bin for them). The art supplies that don't fit in the plastic contraption that holds art supplies...
I watched some horoscope videos tonight and the guy basically said "you're on the right path" "you feel like you should have been rewarded by now" "the universe is aware that it owes you" "stay on the path, but see it in a different way" and other affirming words. I thought it was funny that I was journaling about paths, and then this reading basically said the same thing -which is why I chose to rewrite it into this post. I reached out to some potential therapists. I finally bought groceries and made some food. I displayed some art in my apartment. I watched a lot of YouTube.
for a day that was nearly 100 degrees, and in which I woke up late and didn't coffee till noon, it was surprisingly productive. Maybe this is a good path and I can stop questioning every little thing I do.
or not.
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