what is left

 

It's a Monday. It felt like a Monday today. A bit colder than its been. We had the first day of summer school. Half the kids don't want to be there. Half the staff maybe too. I was frustrated because the things I have been complaining about for weeks suddenly became apparent to the people I have been trying to forewarn. That people aren't prepared or planning ahead is one of my biggest gripes with day treatment, and it makes me not plan ahead, not rise to the occasion. Whats the point of investing if things don't get addressed? If everything is always gonna be half assed, then why try to strive. 

And on the flip side, how to hold the kids accountable. Ok, you don't want to be here, but your attitude is bringing others down and you are responsible for that choice. 

I've been listening to In the Heights a lot since I saw the movie the other night. I am one of those late to the game fanboys. But I like the musical version even better, slightly more complex and human. I listened to it 3 times yesterday at the airport in Boston. My flight was delayed. I watched the crowd gather and listened. 

Boston was good. I spent three days walking around Boston and Cambridge. People have asked what the best part was: people watching/street performers, the aquarium (though I am realizing I never go to the zoo or aquariums here), just the novelty of seeing new things. Spending the day trying to appreciate. I didn't have deep thoughts, I didn't have any revelations, I just took in a new space and reflected on it, noticed patterns, and made connections, and then kept walking until I found another new thing to think about. 

I enjoyed the days a lot. It was exciting, and there was always more stuff to see, to experience. I didn't listen to music or drown out the sensory, I tried to take it in. It got hot, I got burned. I ate a lot of treats, drank too much coffee and spent too much money, but it was good. At least during the days. 

At night I was lonely. At night I was reminded that there was a world outside my hostel of people socializing, finding their community of friends and family. I could hear them at night. I could hear the crowds and the conversations. I could see the couples holding hands. The families taking vacations together. And I was reminded that running away, traveling alone, etc. won't make me happier. It fulfills that desire for novelty, exposes me to "new" things that are really the same as the others (or will be over time). No, what I want won't be found in running to new cities and praying for a chance encounter. 

I talked to a few folks, but mostly my time was spent alone. It's still Covid after all and the hostel had restrictions. A guy on the plane asked me about my travels and I found I couldn't shut up. It was funny to be the one answering questions. That was the flight there, on the way back no one talked to me. 

I had supervision again today, and found I had very little to say at first.  We strayed along the line of therapy. She said I probably attract people who don't want to put in effort, because I don't require a lot (or rather I think I do, but the reality is that I don't), I am willing to put up with, will find ways to do the work, to appreciate. She also said I carry an energy of death, of detachment (the wrong kind of buddhism), and wondered how I came to believe I was so alone, living scarcely, when I am undoubtedly surrounded by abundance, of people who love and even like me- and she said it must be true or I wouldn't be as healthy as I appear to be. She said all of this in a non shaming way, it felt accurate. It made me wonder if she is a reader of this blog. That energy of death is something I think I've been feeling and writing about for a long time. Its the thing I am constantly pushing against, trying to appreciate, trying to find peace in, questioning, and reconciling with. 

I know I have written this before, but it keeps making me wonder if I am dying, and also if I need to have some sort of near death experience to go back to appreciating life. Like to ask for a deeper sort of help. To draw people back into community with me, rather than the "I'm fine. Thanks for the ride to the airport"  routine I seem to be a part of. But it is odd, because I do actually really appreciate the people in my life, I just don't know how to connect sometimes. Don't know how to feel part of it. 

I think touch is probably one of the biggest things. I don't touch people and people don't touch me. When I was younger I was afraid people would hurt me. Later I became afraid I would hurt other people. I think about this a lot with my niece and nephew. That I don't really trust myself around them and for no reason. Touch is essential, but I have it with very few people. 90% of the deepest connections I have had with people came from offers of touch. Lex offering people foot rubs (or hand rubs for those of us who were shy), I was astounded by how meaningful that could be. In my relationship with M, touch felt very one way. That was part of what cued me to her not being all in. That she didn't go out of her way to touch me. Maybe that's just not her love language. She appreciated being touched, so I did so. But she didn't offer. She made food for me, bought gifts I didn't really need. But the things I actually wanted, she struggled with and I denied myself that it was a big deal.  Touch equals vulnerability, and so many people in my life are vulnerable with me in other ways (emotionally-communication) that it feels like too much to be vulnerable in a physical way too. 

I really do have a lot of hang ups around bodily experiences. 

When I was in Boston and a little bit before, I kept thinking about the times I have been in a group of people and the feeling that I didn't fit, that I was faking it, or trying to fit. That I was nervous the entire time and couldn't quite enjoy the moment for what it was. And I don't know if this is true, or just the meaning I make of the situation. Certainly I have had millions of experiences where I felt close and felt like I fit. But I was thinking about the situations that I was seeing, and whether I was actually envious. Dinner on the town. Shopping with friends. I would appreciate these things, but almost from the outside, appreciate that they appreciated it. EG Do I actually like going out to a fancy dinner? No, but would I want to see others appreciate it? Yes. Would I feel like I don't fit? Yes, because I don't like the food and would feel rude. But if I was with people who didn't care? I'd enjoy it. Same with shopping. Do I actually want to buy any of the bullshit? No, do I shop and appreciate window shopping and browsing, yes (for a time). Do I appreciate that other people appreciate it? Yeah, especially if I love them. 

In Charlestown I was walking around, exhausted at this point I was doing the last thing on my list, and saw a church. I hadn't really gone inside any of the churches on the trip. I walked into this one, and from the moment I stepped in I felt awe. Felt like the aesthetic was so rich, so inspiring, and I basically wanted to cry from the beauty of it. I looked up the church St Mary's but the pictures don't do the experience justice. When I left the church, I was surprised how I'd had this moment of elation, and that things could shift so easily. I was in and out of the church in a minute. I knew I couldn't maintain the level of emotionality, so I left. I didn't want it to fade, I didn't want my intrusive thoughts to take over, I just wanted to be sad/joyful and then move on. It was like the beauty of the place grabbed my heart, and then just let go. And that was what I needed. 

The supervisor suggested EMDR. She suggested some sort of spiritual shamanic path -Soul retrieval kind of thing. No more talk therapy. She isn't sure any of it will actually be helpful because I know already, I just don't believe. She asked me what white people do, which is part of the problem right?  We go on vacation and consume other people's stuff. Maybe I need to head back to South America for an ayahuasca ceremony. 

(Though I may not be a fan of dogs) A soul is a soul. 

The Boston trip made me worried that my plan of quitting in a year and going on 5-6 week trip is really silly. I've already seen and done these things. I don't need to keep doing them, even if its good to have a few days now and then. What I need is connection, and that isn't gonna come from leaving.