More tracks

 

Last Sunday I was reading editing my book. For months (years?) I have been saying I need to get back to it. Need to make it a more sustained effort. I got lost in it for a few hours. My headache grew, and then I went to my Dad's to celebrate his birthday. 

When I got there I was nauseous, I felt carsick, and irritated. I felt completely out of my head. I was lost in the story still, and didn't feel like I related very well to my family. I can delight in my niece and nephew, but I didn't want to make small talk or catch up talk with my family. I felt like I had nothing to say, and didn't want to ask questions. Thats what I do for a living, and it feels shitty to be like that in real life now. 

I started feeling better after eating and taking some Advil. My headache continued but the rest of it disappeared. 

I started watching Invincible on Amazon, and though a bit gory (my teen self would have loved it, but my adult self was kind of grossed out), I thought it had a great story. Simple, precise, clean lines, neat introduction to the world and a lot of baiting for the next season. It was heartfelt in a complex way, without getting bogged down in too many details. Honestly one of the most brilliant things I have seen since maybe Fleabag. Or maybe I was just in my sci-fi mode. 

I want to get back to writing, but how can I do both? How can I get lost in my own world, and then successfully attend to everyone around me? 

On Monday I told my supervisor that around this time of year I always get a little grief, stress, irritable. But it was interesting because as I spoke she flipped the script with a question or two, and suddenly I realized I was in that same core question again... why was I alone?

My grandpa was dying. I was responsible for testing. I was sick. I couldn't ask for help. I wanted someone to take care of me, but they were all too busy, and I had to prove myself!!!! and so the memory became traumatic. Reinforced the same story. 

I was just dumbfounded. She told me to go for a walk. To cry. She said grief just wants to be seen, heard, witnessed, accompanied... all the things I didn't have. Like I didn't have them with Krystin, or Chris. Like I had with Illy, once or twice, but not enough. Thats probably more accurate... my emotions are seen, I share them, but not enough. People assume I have it put together. They take my word for it. 

On Monday I realized I've let all my friends go too far again, but then a bunch of them reached out randomly. Rachel, Tim, Katie. All people who have been there in different ways at different times. And it sucks because I feel so drained that I actually just want to hide from them all. I don't want to make decisions. I don't want to follow up. I just want someone to catch me.

I am sick of having to make decisions for people, of having to hold stuff for them, of having to attend to them. I want to be selfish. I want to run away again. I want to not be impacted... be above it all. 

I need to cry, sleep, scream. Probably need more Advil. 

I started watching "Couples Therapy" tonight. I kind of love it. But its also just so hard to watch people suffer needlessly. 

I dunno... I just don't feel very healthy. Part of me wants a sick day.