being

Today I got one of the worst massages I have ever gotten. It was comical. I had this weird recognition of like... some folks just aren't meant to be massage therapists. It actually improved my mood to think about this, despite being bad, so not a waste of time necessarily. Also made me realize that I do actually want some pressure in a massage, unlike in the old days.

It improved my mood. The other thing that improved my mood was seeing my brother and nephew, even though I probably spent too much time complaining. Maybe I needed that. Just updates on life. Nothing too deep. My nephew apparently has one word right now and it is in Spanish, though I am sure I heard him say "Da" like 8 times while looking at my brother. He knows how to get what he wants, so he doesn't have the need for communication yet. My mom's theory is that he is like me, and probably won't speak until he is sure he can say full sentences. This theory of hers is way too transparent in my life (see last post regarding dating). I continue to dwell on drama.

Today I was thinking about how my mind really wants right answers. As in, am I doing this right? Am I doing the right thing? Is there a better way to do this? How do I learn the right way to do this? This desire drives me nuts at work, and my supervisor says I am constantly gaslighting myself -talking myself out of the answers I know are good enough, because I want a right answer. My little kid self.

Anyway. As is often the case when I have nothing going on, this morning I started to daydream about getting cancer and wondered if I would seek treatment. I walked to the coffee shop this morning, and sat watching traffic and considering if there is a right answer to this question. Is there some moral right answer? Am I supposed to say YES and then fight for my own life and then overcome some great obstacle, learn some great lesson in the process (the lesson of course being that I was always worth it -and didn't need to live for others). Or is it kind of a situation that wouldn't really matter much? Maybe letting go and just accepting death as part of life, is the 'right' lesson? Or maybe I choose to live, and in the process realize my worth to others? None of this matters all that much, and there isn't a right answer. But I think about it because it is an extreme that clarifies the choices in life. For like 30 years I have been asking myself what is the point of life, and for at least the last 20 I have been assuming that if I met the right person or had kids, I would suddenly make different choices. (I usually do change habits when in relationships, but not to any life changing degree). This whole "living for others" thing doesn't seem to work out very well for me -in maintaining relationships at least. I probably was thinking about this because of one of the Olivia Rodrigo songs... but anyway. It's a funny thing, this idea of like would it be worth it to live for living sake, if that required additional effort.

What is it I am hoping to accomplish before death? See a few more places around the globe, leave some art or writing, support others while I am alive to do so. But, do I NEED to do any of these, not really. DO I need to own a house, or a small business, or even see my niece and nephew grow up? Not really. I will enjoy it if it comes, but NEED... I am pretty comfortable in my accomplishments. I gave what I could so far. I will continue to do so.

Its just a funny thing. I am sure I have written this before like at least 3-5 times in this blog. Thats kind of what I mean  when I say I need others to pull me out of my stuff. I am in my own cycle, and if life is going to continue this way until my death, does it matter if it happens now or later?  I don't know. 

Would a big enough shock allow me to go down a new path, or am I so stubborn that I would choose to get back on this one? Do I just keep reinforcing the same old shit, and again, if that's what I am about, if that is my form of being, then why try to maintain it forever? 

Also, been think a lot about how others would interpret my behaviors in life... how I hurt people and probably would sound super conceited if they read this. But, they have their own experience, not necessarily something I would have any reason to argue against. I've let go of most of my drama (minus M when I am bored).

My horoscope today said don't make any irreversible decisions, "Patience and consideration are better than rashness." preaching to the choir horoscope. Occasionally I am reminded by instagram or facebook that this horoscope told me not to fall in love with M, and ignored it... so that funny.

But it is a day of rest. Just chilling. Probably watch some more Rick and Morty, eat some chinese food. Nothing big to make decisions over. Life will go on regardless. Life is beautiful, it doesn't need my approval and it will go on regardless, even if I don't have answers to my questions.