Been an interesting week. I am not sure where to start. On these days when I wake up late, my brain never fully turns on. Sometimes I kind of like it. It is kind of like a different challenge, normally my mind won’t shut off, with too many avenues of input. On these days, it feels like a I have a single stream and the challenge is to direct it towards what I want before the headache sets in. Today I went and got groceries. Today I will do some writing. Today I will go for a walk. All very concrete. All short single sentences without the run-ons and complexity.
Today I thought a lot about what my supervisor said to me yesterday. Today I explored finding a therapist again. Today I will give myself some grace.
This week I had some dreams. I tried to explore dreams more. Because life felt dissatisfying and lonely.
In one dream, I was somewhere in Central America with Jesse, and we were drifting apart. She was off adventuring, meeting new people, in a world of excitement, and I was throwing myself into work. She was resting on the bed, and I flopped myself onto her (fully clothed), and I acknowledged that I loved her, but it wouldn’t keep us together. And I asked her to share the things she loved with me, the things that were making her passionate. And she sighed *relief at not having to pretend? And she started to share her pictures, her videos, her stories. It was bittersweet, but felt true.
In another dream, oddly reminiscent of a real-life situation. I was on a bus, trying to reach out to Lex. Trying to text her the plan when I arrived after a long journey. My phone was dying and I felt like the things that were important weren’t getting conveyed. I was focused on the logistics. I knew I would need supplies because my bags were lost. I knew I would arrive in the middle of the night. I knew it was an ask, to say, will you show me love, even though I am a wreck and offer nothing tangible? Even though I smell and I am dirty, and haven’t brushed my teeth in days? Even though I am impatient and not at all reliable? Not at all my best self? And the bus drove around St. Louis Park, and Morris, and I saw that my childhood home was gone, demolished to make something new. And that the things I had relied on weren’t there anymore. I was a vagabond, and I needed someone to take me in. Was it too much to ask?
This week there was a verdict that made me cry. I am not sure I have cried over a court case before, but similar to many people, I felt like there was some relief from something that had built up over the last millennia. And of course, nothing is over and done with… but it felt hopeful. But even days later I was still carrying it. The lack of sunlight didn’t help much.
We sent the kids home, and I was aware that I was lonely and missed being around people. But didn’t do a damn thing to reach out to anyone.
The state of the world, and situations at work, made me question why I do what I do. If it is worthwhile, and whether I am doing it for selfish reasons -like distracting from loneliness instead of actually addressing things. Maybe we are pathologizing children because we have nothing better to do. Maybe there is nothing worth mulling over so much.
I had some situations with my coworkers in consult, where I felt like we weren’t making a lot of sense. Like we were fishing for things rather than just acknowledging the reality that everything is fine, or rather, everything isn’t fine but it’s completely outside our control… but that doesn’t make us feel good, does it? So we look for answers and manipulate situations. And its stupid.
My supervisor asked me why I won’t just acknowledge that I am smart or special, and then looked at me and said, “cuz it hurts you, but I don’t know why.” and we discussed loneliness, and she promised that if I started to be more myself, I’d attract the people who would appreciate it (which hasn’t been my lived experience, except maybe once or twice). And because we are both religious, she went back to the language that I’ve implied before, (she is a very helpful mirror) and said or implied something to the effect of “you should go to therapy again, so you’re not ignoring or downplaying the gifts god gave you. You see and celebrate them in everyone else, but you don’t accept them yourself.” And it just brought up the fight inside me since I was in preschool. This feeling like I didn’t fit in and so would either be outcast, or have to subvert all my stuff to make people comfortable. And even before kindergarten, I found out I was really good at being 'good'. That I could make room for others, and then they would shine and that’s beautiful… so why not? It’s so funny that I have specific memories of this at Westwood daycare at what must have been 4 years old, of being told I was too much, so I became helpful instead. I was rewarded with free time when everyone else was napping, and then became the leader and in charge of keeping everyone safe when the other kids joined me. It’s so funny how it felt like such a conscious decision to downplay myself in order to fit in, when I know that it wasn’t, but I remember thinking through it as a preschooler, of replaying these thoughts over and over and not knowing what to do, and choosing specifically how I would respond. I got praise for being helpful. Being myself or asking for what I needed or wanted wasn’t acceptable, it was a no brainer. I remember analyzing the other children and what they did that did or didn’t get approval. It’s so funny to think I am still doing this every time I meet people and now I do it for a living. And I have this fear that all my relationships are based around this false sense of me. Which is what my supervisor was calling me out on (that I don’t trust myself or anyone else because I am not acknowledging myself).
She said something like “You gaslight the shit out of yourself constantly, even when you’re right. You won't admit that you're the smartest person in the room.” And in that moment, all I could think about is the pain of it. Because my shame response is flaring, and I am listening to what’s underneath. So afraid to live in that pain of loneliness, because it feels like rejection and invalidation, but it’s not really their fault, and I know that because I understand them, but they don’t understand me. And internally that feels like rejection because internally my heart and soul responds with, ‘well if they cared, they’d try… just like you would’ and whether I want to believe that or not, doesn’t really matter, because the little kid in me is just like… ‘but they don’t.’ So you must be shameful, bad, worthless, stupid, too much, a reject, alone in the world.
So manipulate. Be dishonest. Be good at all costs, hide and rid yourself of yourself, downplay everything, don't ask for help, don't share too much, so that you put everyone at ease. Shave off the corners of your puzzle piece. Be taffy...
And I think so much about why M was able to strike those chords of my heartsong so easily, without ever knowing or taking responsibility, and it makes sense. She doesn’t even have the capacity to recognize it, but It was her song. Its why all the cluster B kids come to me, because that loneliness and rejection resonates, and I see it, and I could never ever believe it. You’re not too much, you just haven’t learned the skills yet.
Even now, I fantasize about the idea of just flicking M off. Of saying, fuck you for taking advantage of me, but it feels so ridiculous to hold her responsible for something that I am not even sure she is conscious of, like, ‘no, I get why you couldn’t be honest, but its painful and hurtful the way you end up behaving, and at the same time -I still see you little girl, and yeah fuck you (from my selfish side), but it doesn’t mean you’re not loveable or worthy of love. Nothing you have done, makes you less deserving, just learn from it.”
I end up “fragilizing” (work term), not holding them accountable, which ends up holding them back, and dependent… and I am trying to get away from that. But I haven't actually learned how to have health relationships. I don't trust enough, because internally I am just waiting for the rejection.
Over time, I have learned to give myself more grace. But I am not living more openly. My supervisor in a hilarious way also called me out on that, she’s like, I know you want to go manipulate the situation, but just go say it publicly “it didn’t feel good to me” and instead of figuring out how to scheme it into what you want, just sit down and say “we need to figure out a better way of doing this.” and I wanted to laugh my ass off… because she had called out the next three steps of my plan and told me no. Told me not to use my skills to get around things, but just to be honest and not take responsibility for everyone.
I keep saying it’s funny. I know if someone came to me saying this, I would look at them and smile and say they were creating neurotic traps in their mind for no reason, and that this story only perpetuates the difficulties they are experiencing. Grant called me out on that a few weeks ago. It’s true. Both of these things are true, this story is real and also repeating it doesn’t help. Grant and Pete M, both did this a lot in SOT. I need truth tellers around me. People willing to challenge and agitate.
What would I like to experience instead?
I’d like to tell a story about being myself, of asking for what I need, and speaking without holding the weight of the responsibility of the room. Of not fearing rejection. And then people responding with understanding, with a hug, or at least having a few who would nod along. More mirrors. Of not needing to run away to find peace and myself. Of being challenged and held accountable by people who see the next steps on my journey and not just how they can use me to their advantage or to make themselves feel better. It feels very rare to find reciprocity. To find the people who match... I keep praying for compatibility.
I don't hold people accountable directly because I am learning from them, and I don't want to jeopardize the relationship, don't trust that conflict will be resolved in a healthy way. Which is so sad...
The point my supervisor was calling me out on was exactly because I said, "if this had been a group I was running, I would have responded to the kids and called it out." and she basically said, but you won't do it to your coworkers? Like... that's some sad shit.
anyway, everlasting taffy man probably needs to transform into some new character that is less everlasting and pliable.
Call this blog, "Mike's inner child fighting with the shell he's constructed and simultaneously reinforcing around him."
It certainly has become that if it were ever anything.
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