Last weekend I went to visit my step father's parents in South Dakota for Easter. Step Grandma had a heart attack a few months ago, and I never reached out. I also didn't respond to her Christmas Gift or Birthday Gift, so basically I was feeling like I hadn't followed through with my end of the relationship. It felt good to be there. She had tried her best to be accommodating of my diet, and went out of her way to make it a welcoming environment.
I was nervous for the week ahead, but every time I pulled myself back to the moment, everything was ok, was good. I was quiet for much of the trip. Grant and my mom talked a lot. I spend so much of my time being nervous about social interactions, and it felt good to just sit with everything. On the way back, Grant asked and challenged me on a few things, and it felt helpful. Good reframes that I guess I had been considering, but they are traps I fall into. One thing he pointed out was the difference between some of the family members, how James and Chris and he, are able to be confident and move through the world without worrying that they are doing something wrong, or aren't enough. It has meant that they find new relationships wherever they go. Whereas Steve and Nate and I, seem to have a different disposition, that isn't based on our personalities or gifts, but simply our outlook. We aren't as flirty, we don't follow through, we don't risk in the same way. Which is funny, because arguably Steve and Nate and I have taken more risks in our lives, but they were risks we took alone.
It was an interesting idea... I find myself getting challenged left and right on my concept of self, the story I tell. But I also have a hard time separating it from the experience.
In college, I was a bit more flirty. My jobs have certainly made that difficult somewhat inappropriate... But in college I also felt like I was constantly stepping over people's boundaries, disappointing them, seeming to imply too much without being willing to follow through. My friendship meant a lot to people, but those that wanted more, felt like I was rejecting them. I didn't like that feeling. I still don't like it.
Maybe this is the issue with having female friends? But also, an email from a friend totally made my day the other day.
Last week my supervisor called me out on similar things, this concept of self. But I was also left thinking: "sure, by you're married and have kids, so you have that safety net of support (for better or worse). I've spent quarantine alone driving myself nuts..."
This week it stormed all week and I didn't get out to walk. I didn't center myself a whole lot in that hour walk after work, but tried to in the moment throughout the day. It ended up being a good week, with some disappointments and challenges, but ultimately good. The kids had low energy, but slowly built and it felt manageable rather than erratic. I am excited for the future. But yesterday when I walked the lake with my Dad, it became apparent again how my entire life seems to revolve around work.
I am doing some creative projects on the side. More painting, a couple of ideas in mind for a vacation. But still very work focused.
And then on the weekends when I get lonely, it's easy to fall back into familiar drama of the mind/heart. Why wasn't I good enough? Why was she so cruel? Why is it so easy for everyone else? Why am I so picky? Why can't I just make things work? Why don't I like anyone?
Why why why... I spent all my life with the why's, teach others to consider them, and sometimes wonder if its even worth it. Has the focus on "why" got me so fucked up? Sometimes I think about the people I have done therapy with, and how their lives are fundamentally more holistic than mine, complete with a touch of chaos, of conflict, of drama, but wholesome, not defined by absence, not defined by investigation and discernment, but action oriented enough to have a life. Forward momentum.
It's easy to wonder why, when I am lonely and wondering where a potential companion is. And yet, I have turned down peoples offers of companionship. Some idea of who I should be with, rather than just enjoying what is. I scroll through bumble profiles and find the prettiest, but wouldn't know how to keep a conversation going.
Accomplished most of the things I set out to do this weekend.
Might try to write a breakup poem (see I am lost in drama), and do some more painting.
But mostly it's a cold gray non-inspiring day. Other than FOMO, I'd be perfectly content going back to sleep and dreaming up worlds.
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