The age of everything

 

I ended up taking a day off from work. My fever broke around 2:30 AM, I remember waking up and moving without pain, and immediately thinking "this is amazing!" life being so sweet without pain and discomfort.  At some point in the night, I prayed that the universe would at least use the fever to burn away the neurons and synapses that left me feeling so stuck. 

And today it was like 60 degrees out. I took out the trash, got groceries, did laundry, made up for a weekend of feeling out of it. The world felt hopeful, felt full of potential and even though I felt a little run down and my arm still hurt, it was nothing like it had been. It was nothing like the mindset of being trapped in the winter. Nothing like the mindset of being afraid of the world. I started thinking about things I could plan now... a trip? A class? attending things? having friends?

And yes, I am sure my normal stress and anxiety will create some barriers but it felt possible. 

As the day went on, I started thinking about how I didn't want to think about work. Didn't really want to go to work. When I am in work mode, it feels like everything else goes out the window. A 2 day weekend usually gives me a break, but 3 days off  is enough to pull me from it. I start to feel a little resentment towards work, not just the anxiety of being prepared, but an actual disgust at giving up life to do a thing however meaningful that doesn't really change anything for my life. Work is so funny. 

I think 3 days off is enough to awake me to the world, remind me nothing is wrong except that we are fixated on the wrong things... and so running back in to my work to reassure children who are growing up in a sick society that they are ok, seems silly.  Yo, is this what you want?  then change it. 

But I guess the time off is also enough for me to shed light on my own reality, is this what you want? then change it. 

Its so easy to go on YouTube and find a million people who know things better than I do... I am not the teacher anymore.  And similarly it is easy to find people being creative. If I compare myself, then nothing is worthwhile. In the age of everything, what is worth doing?

Today I watched a video -the settling plans for Mars... they predict they could have a hundred thousand people there within a 100 years. At first, it seems wild that anyone would leave... but I imagine a billion people will want that feeling, that feeling that what they do matters in some way. 

Eastern cultures have gotten so much better at calming this issue. Go with the flow. Know your place. Recognize the universe is creation AND destruction. Work well and in your next life you will be rewarded.  My day to day is so minimalist that I have a hard time enticing myself out of bed. If I wasn't a coffee addict, I might sleep forever. I was bored today. It felt good to be bored. It made me want to go to a coffee shop and read and write. It felt like I was being invited back into the world. 

Rachel just texted me that she is watching people on YouTube play geoguessr and was like what the hell? And I responded that this is life now. 

Things I was considering taking a class in:  

kundalini yoga, tantra, eastern medicine (one of the forms)

ACT, ART, EMDR, Brain spotting, somatic experiencing, 

UU theology, pastoral counseling, 

Its funny because when I was in my last program I routinely thought about how the program wasn't giving me the things I hoped it would. I wanted more social time, wanted a romantic life, wanted people to discuss big things with... the program didn't provide those, the people did. But I was too anxious and too stressed to invite them into my life -or did... and it didn't end well. 

All of these things are more of the same. More of Mike pursuing his own passions... but hoping that others who share these passions might like me. Some of it is more physical based. I think I need more meditation and more physical exercise in my life. These are things I might need the structure for, in order to make habit. 

I wonder if I woke up and listened to like Alan Watts every morning or something if I would feel better. 

Gonna go do some reading... since I know nothing.