a little heart space

This morning I woke up way too early. Like 6:45 on a Saturday WTF???

I didn't really have anything to do, so I made coffee and watched YouTube (AKA my life). 

I watched this video for centering myself 

and this video for perspective  

and listened to some John Frusciante after singing in the shower. 

Then I got antsy. People had been texting me, but I didn't really feel like talking to anyone. 

I decided to go to target (the weekly run). 

On the way I stopped and got Monkey Bread. 

It is sunny out, around 45-50 degrees, and it feels like spring. There were people walking the lake, and people sitting at Rustica and it just felt beautiful and like the world was back to normal. 

I started to have fond memories of M, and the feeling of excitement I used to have around her. That feeling of anticipation, of enjoyment in being in her presence, the possibility and hope -that feeling I had at the beginning, and really any time we hung out and she was actually present. 

I was reminded that I loved her, looked forward to hearing from her, knowing her, growing with her. And also that I loved myself when I was like that, that I loved the person I was, when I was in love. That possibility, that desire to go a little further, to push to expand. 

Of course there are downsides, there was the jealousy and the insecurity and the feeling that things were far too one-sided. But for awhile, I was oblivious to those things. I saw the world as a place of hope, and I stepped into it. 

I miss that side of me. I miss feeling like there is potential and hope. I would like to go back to the side of me that enjoys people, not out of obligation or work, but because I genuinely want to be around them.  I wish I felt that way more often.  I know I am very very likely to fall into codependency, but I am also very very sick of having to do everything for myself, I'd like to rely on someone else, and also to be there for them, instead of just me. Having a crush, or a love, makes the world feel like a better place. and its been so long since I had that. 

That was part of the trouble with M too, that it had been so long since someone struck sense from me, that I felt head over heels upon meetings her. I was dumb. I lost myself. And it felt good... for a time. 

Sometimes I worry that my job requires too much pushing, too much training, too much shaping. I get excited, involved, invested, and then disappointed because I can't manage and control every little thing. People are so complex. There isn't much we can do for them unless they want it too. You can't force someone or manipulate them into their best self, they have to choose it. Similarly you can't force or manipulate someone into loving you or providing for you, they have to choose it. 

In a good heart space, you can acknowledge that and let it come and go. Love what is. But its very hard to stay there.