Sufjan Stevens - Casimir Pulaski Day

Such a hauntingly beautiful song. 

It now reminds me of a time a few years ago when I was trying not to fall in love. Taking tentative steps towards something intoxicating that I hoped I could trust myself with, and turned sour the way my stomach told me it would. Maybe it was a self fulfilling prophecy. Maybe I shouldn't listen to such sad songs. 

It is Saturday. I woke up to my morning alarms -wide awake, clear headed and creative, and decided to try to sleep more. Woke up a few hours later groggy, stifled, not at all sure what I wanted and feeling behind. 

I had dreams of knowing people.

I had a horoscope and a tarot reading that said this weekend would be different. 

I can't imagine how. 

I sipped a cup of espresso, but I am still groggy. I plan on playing computer games after a walk with my Dad. The three tasks I had for the weekend were all maybes, a target run, some laundry, a self hair cut. The friends were tentative. Returning to sleep seemed like a good enough idea, the dreams were nice. 

I woke up to find out that I had left my planned lunch on the counter last night to spoil. I am not sure that it would, but didn't want to take the risk of getting sick. 

Considering learning internal family systems, parts work. I am fairly familiar with the concepts at this point, just not the details and terms. I think it will be helpful in my work, but I am also aware that many of my clients don't care at all for terms, so maybe that part doesn't matter. I wonder if I need a more concrete approach for group. Something they can all agree to.

So much of life has to do with mindset, even the bitter ironic mindset like in the sufjan song. 

I ask my students to question their mindset, to give themselves the freedom to choose what they would like to do with their pain. Would you like to suffer? Would you like to acknowledge and reframe it? Grow from it even?

I wonder what I will look back on in this era. Will it be "wasted time" or will I reframe it as the time I became more myself, more authentically me. Didn't swoon to adjust, or cram myself in other people's boxes. Asked them to adjust to my schedule. Or did I just avoid and hide, and hope someone would find me and take me home with them?

I don't know yet how I will frame this story. 

Today I am groggy. I should probably pay some bills.