It rained on me, everything smells like sanitizer

 Its 4:10 pm

I was trying to think up things I could do today that would be fun, I didn't come up with any. I just got back from a walk, singing JCSS around the lake, got some afternoon coffee and thought about how the coffee shops freak me out now. Stopped at the liquor store by my apartment to buy a bottle of Sprite, considered the white claw Illy gave me...

I've been thinking about cleaning and organizing my apartment, on the off chance I ever have anyone over, it wouldn't look so 'in progress.' Maybe going through all the storage bins, rediscovering parts of my past. Maybe I should treat myself with as much curiosity as I would a new love. 

The fall leaves are starting to fade. There are a couple of good streets still, but the gray is turning everything dismal. It snowed/sleeted yesterday. It rained on me today. There weren't many people out and even the streets felt a little empty. Maybe everyone went out of town for the last hurrah?

I don't really have anything to look forward to. I was thinking about that a bit lately. No trips. No holidays. No parties. No children. Each day passes and then it's gone. It does have a feel of not mattering. So of course I put all my effort into work, into connecting with the students, in trying to be the best coworker and employee I can. 

I had a couple of dreams last night because I slept in. I kind of wish I could go back to dream land right now. The first dream was about seeing an old client, a kiddo who was still arguing with his parent. He wanted support and I had to tell him that I couldn't change his life for him. The second was with some little hottie. I don't remember her face which is weird. It was entirely about sexual chemistry. I remember at one point taking a break and walking around the neighborhood and seeing these huge mansions. Just stopping to count floors, and look at the architecture, and then back to the fire. 

I woke up around 10 AM. When I wake up late I can't think straight. Usually I have less anxiety but also less creativity. The dream made me wonder if I should try to pursue a sexual relationship just for the kicks. 

Most of the day I've spent trying to talk myself into the idea that I am deserving of a relationship with someone who is actually compatible. I'd be nice to find someone who is a match. 

Maybe I'll go read a book.