exhale

It's been a few days. My sleep schedule has been off. I have been staying up too late and waking up too late, and then having to take Tylenol for the headaches.

I've gone for a walk each day. I need to keep doing this, but I am not used to the heat. The temp in my apartment seems to get too high too easily, and sitting around all day in it, I am feeling drained often.


I was about to do the paperwork I have been putting off, but the website keeps being down. I suppose I could write them up and paste them in. I am about a week behind and it is easy to keep falling behind if I don't do a bit.

None of this is that important. I guess I don't have a lot of thoughts, just thought I should say something.

It's been nice chatting with friends. Nice having someone seek me out. I have been avoiding my family. There are a few weeks left of day treatment before the kids have a week off. I haven't taken any PTO time, but likely will have nothing to do during that week. Get caught up on paperwork and watch training videos! Plan a bit of curriculum maybe?

It's hard to create curriculum because you never know what the kids moods will be, especially on video meetings. I could be assigning them more therapeutic homework, but who wants to do anything these days.

I've been watching the expanse. Reading a bit. Taking lots of naps. I feel like I am fatigued, and I can't tell if I am just adjusting to summer, or the heat, or if I am actually sick or something. Maybe not eating regularly enough. Still considering whether I should get groceries tonight.

I guess my head isn't really into this writing stuff right now.
Practice gratitude:
I am grateful for friends, new and old connections, experiences I have had. I am grateful for being relatively healthy, and even more grateful that my family is healthy. I am grateful for being relatively secure during a time of great fear. I am grateful for my job, even if I lose myself in it, far too often.  I am grateful for the ability to read, and create, and think about all the silly things I think about.

Things I need to do:
Taxes, prep for the next talk, paperwork, finish the expanse, read some books, groceries, meditate.

One more for me

The friction, the drama, sometimes it's meaningful in its own way, a recognition of something solid, of something true. M used to talk about how she would float away, a type of dissociation that she didn't own. She always tried to fill her time, always tried to be busy, and was always seemingly productive with every ounce of time, and for what?

I left work, having not accomplished half of my goals for the day. Worried about young people. Telling them the same things I have to tell myself to get out of bed, feeling their loneliness and hopelessness too clearly. And I leave work frustrated that I need to spend my night continuing to work.

I got chinese food. I ate it and felt too full. I took a nap at 6:30 trying to avoid work, and then an hour later hit snooze because my dreams were more compelling than my paperwork.

I had three goals for the night, it is nearly 9pm and I have accomplished none. Laundry, paperwork, walk. And does it matter? Not a bit, not even a little.

I woke up from the nap wishing I had a crush, a love, a partner by my side.
Wanting something for me, something solid to hold onto for my sake.
Wanting something that will outlast me. (almost a Hamilton reference)

The ego is fragile, it craves.
This body, oooh how it craves.
My soul, oh, it craves too.
Oh but this life, it won't last but a smidge longer.

Maybe I need to get out of this city, this comfort, this stuck.
Can't repeat patterns and think things will change.

Controlled Fall

I woke up this morning feeling really refreshed for the first time in a week.
I had a number of super weird dreams, some that were scary and launched me from sleep, some that woke me with thoughts. But when I finally woke, I felt a surge of brilliance.

It's funny because I was feeling so unhappy with my productivity this weekend. I didn't get my actual work even started after putting it off all last week. I have laundry to do. I have a whole list of shit with no check marks, but none of that seemed to matter because I woke up with an idea!

I have had this thought before, and like many of my thoughts I am not sure I know how to take it to completion. Insight is a wonderful thing, but people want to know how to change behavior. I don't know how to give easy answers to that. I am just good at pointing to things.

I woke up with this thought about orbit.
Getting into orbit is in some ways a controlled fall. A fall with momentum, that uses the gravity and momentum to stay on a track. I have often referred to attraction metaphorically as gravity, and I think the idea behind relationships is to have enough momentum that you enter orbit instead of crashing. But my thought wasn't solely for attraction, but just life. Fall = failure in most of our stories, and I woke up thinking about how this metaphor works for why people need to move when they feel stuck. It's not about the action itself, it's about building enough momentum. Stuckness is the ever present friction of the collision, building some momentum to break the gravity spell can free you from your sense of failure.

And now in the light of day, the idea seems less brilliant, more familiar.  Something I've written a hundred times already. And how do I remember and incorporate these ideas into something cohesive?

I feel like I need to get back to writing my book. How do I create some momentum for that?






Listening to this lady a lot since yesterday, I don't think all of her covers are great, but they are interesting.

Illusion and delusion

In psychology, we often talk about how it is the story we are telling ourselves.
I always use this example; my mom will stop couples in their conflict, point to the wall and ask them where they want the movie to go from here.
My teenage clients struggle because they are being forced to recognize that none of it is true (and really recognizing this for the first time consciously is sooooo painful), that they have to be responsible for their own story, and running into the friction that comes when their story isn't in synch with those around them.
We ask them to take responsibility for their behaviors, and they push it away because it would tear down their delusion.
"You must be wrong" they swear up and down, "because it is too painful to acknowledge my own self-deception." And it's true right?  we must be wrong, they will it so with their story.

We all tell ourselves stories out of self-protection. Out of fear and desire. Sometimes the story allows us to grow and see opportunities. Sometimes the stories only hurt us more.
Yesterday I walked around the lake wishing for the feeling of "magic," the good kind, I clarified to myself.
What is the good kind of magic?
The feeling that my delusion matches with another's. That the universe has conspired to throw us together. That pull that says the illusory could be mine. Something outside my own choices to make meaning happen.
And meanwhile, I missed the beauty surrounding me, the plants and trees, the flowers, the blooming, the sky of blue, the synchronicity of nature. Saw myself separate from the universe, a delusion that causes me to feel lost and alone, even when I am surrounded.

My brother is using drugs to feel that sense of connection, and it is causing those around him to pull away (losing connection). He says that is their choice and he cannot control it. He is both right and wrong. He can control whether his delusion (and behavior) stays in synch with theirs, but the story he prefers to tell himself is that his story is so different from theirs that it will naturally cause conflict, which is true as well. It's that simple and that complex.

When I fall for people, I fall hard. Even though I can swarm around with a million contradictory thoughts, my ability to deceive myself is powerful AF, and I love it.  I love the self-deception. It hurts sooooo good (attachment is suffering after all, and wow, it's lovely).
I was thinking (again) how easy it is to blame others when they force us to recognize our delusions. What is a heartbreak but the forced loss of delusion? Whether it is a death or a break up, the loss of a job, a pandemic. The sudden realization that the attachment isn't real, just an idea that you've invested all your energy into.

I know I delude myself in relationships. I ask the other person to delude themselves the same way, to reconcile our delusions when we are in conflict, to plan a future in which our delusions align in parallel. It's the only way (it seems) to move forward without being crushed by the reality of change, of catastrophe, of misfortune and death. I am only angry and hurt by M, because she forced me to acknowledge my self-deception. I liked the story, I didn't want her to steal it from me.

Many of us use religion, specifically the idea of a G-d whose will supersedes these forces. Who can see through our delusions and guide us. I ask this G-d everyday to guide me, to steal my delusions from me and allow me to recognize what is, and what could be the universe's will for the people I interact with. I find it sooooooooo comforting. So helpful to believe this that I rarely question it in any serious way. Even though I am critical, I will always choose this delusion.

This pandemic is a really interesting time. Like a depression, or a death, it forces us to reconcile our delusions, to decide which stories are meaningful to us, force us to consider which is actually helpful. We do this individually, as families, as a society, as a world.
Octavia E Butler tells us "God is change" in a story that takes place in the midst of a society falling apart. How do you create something new, without acknowledging that you have the power to tell a new story?

Does acknowledging this ability, this power, make life easier or harder?
I don't know. Even as I write this, I can't decide where I want to take my life today, the responsibility of wisdom -often feels like a burden that I'd prefer to thrust on someone else.
Sometimes I feel like the more I acknowledge the reality of life, the harder it is to relate to people in their delusions, and at the same time, I feel so much love for them, especially the young ones. Maybe it's just that, I really want someone to invest in mine. I think that seems truthful. But I discard possibilities left and right, choosing to believe that it has to be someone "special" or something. Layers and layers of delusion, folding infinitely upon themselves, and the complexity is beautiful.

Drained

The last few days I've been feeling really exhausted.  I didn't get as much sleep this week, and haven't been taking care of myself as well as I should.
I did the parent discussion thing the other night, and they asked me to come back and do it again.
But I am not sure if I want to.  Why try to facilitate a discussion in another community when their own people could do it?  It feels a little like colonizing. I wasn't sure if I was doing it "right" anyway. The parents wanted to talk, so I tried not to take up too much time. I shared a few ideas, and tried to keep it positive and hopeful. I am not sure if that's what was "needed."

I spend most of my time in that mindset. "What is needed?"  Either in my life or in the lives of others.  It's sort of my response to a scarcity worldview. I think it endears people to me initially, and then becomes a reason for why they don't want to stay.

My family is really struggling with my little brother's behavior. He's using a lot of hallucinogens and feels more connected to a higher purpose, but is doing it in potentially really harmful ways. He is not mindful of how it impacts others, he sees it as harmless but is constantly setting off panic alarms in other people. I asked him if he wanted to start a blog with me, or a book club and reflect on spiritual stuff. We started one, but neither of us has put much effort into it. It hasn't really created its own flow yet.

It's interesting to see the push-pull, the way his behavior so explicitly demonstrates both that he is seeking connection and also unable to responsibly handle it.

My drama mind keeps going back to that push-pull with M (this is Imago work naturally), how she complains that she has no one in her life, not enough friends, undependable family, her ex wasn't supportive enough (all shouting I am the victim), but then in her relationships with people, the moment she is let down she gives up or pushes them away. Rarely makes attempts to repair. Is selective in who she gives her energy to (usually people who will praise her).

I wonder if I do the same?  Do I choose my friends based on people who I don't think will hurt me if they leave? Do I seek out people who won't be too upset if I let them down? Do I bring up people who won't make it a conflict in the first place?    I don't know.  I haven't had enough coffee this morning.

I am not sure about anything right now.  I have the last session of the white fragility book club tomorrow and I haven't read anything in weeks. I have to send out some resources, and haven't finished the email yet. I have A LOT of paperwork from this last week that I totally neglected because I was tired. I am supposed to see people this weekend, and I am not sure if I need to (meaning I need some social energy) or if I shouldn't (because I am feeling drained).
I have a lot of people on my worrying mind, and I am not sure if I can do anything about it.

Maybe after I have more coffee I can make some good decisions.
Plan my life out. Give myself a break.

I think that's the thing about single life in quarantine that is so weird, literally none of the day to day matters anymore.  It makes perfect sense why my brother is seeking, big impacts, novelty, connection. The drama is easier than not knowing, not having, and being totally overwhelmed with meaninglessness.

lower back ache

I keep a lot of my stress in my lower back. It's interesting because I recognize I am leaning forward, and tightening.

My family is worried about my little brother again.
My parents ask me for help, my siblings ask me to support him.
I am trying to remember that we can't live his life for him, not let his struggles throw our lives off balance. But it happens anyway.

Family systems: He was doing alright, and the family was focused on my older brother's kids. That felt good. Now my older brother's family is in quarantine. Everyone is stressed again, everyone is already at capacity, and of course my little brother with his self medicated mental health, loses his structure, his yoga studio, his purpose... and all the symptoms flare up.

I told them I would reach out today. I have a lot of work to do, PLUS I was hoping to start some of my own projects, something for me. But I feel pulled and resentful.

What do I do with this? I overthink. I tighten up, I watch a bunch of youtube. I think about the things I need to get done. But the guilt is there. Instead of focusing on my own stability, I feel scattered and pulled in too many directions. Feel like I am letting someone down now matter what happens. Feel like I am losing my own life to ensure others are ok.

This is my role. This is supposed to be where I make a different decision. But I can't focus.
Maybe its easier for me to play the role than to live my own life. Maybe this is me giving in.
Maybe I don't need my own projects right now, I need to "save" someone else.



I called. Within moments I can tell he is not manic. Defensive and stubborn sure, but not dysregulated. 2 hours and 40 minutes later, we end politely with reassurances.
I feel fine, and recognize my parents' concerns make sense but aren't necessary.
My brother is my brother. He still needs the things he's always needed. He is still unsure how to get them, how to ask, how to behave in ways to get them appropriately. But nothing is new. He will always be like this. He will always need guidance (as we all do) and struggle to take it once it is given. He will be slow to learning the things that people have been telling him to do. It will take 10 years when it could have been 10 minutes. But he has to do it himself. He is the very definition of an experiential learner. And he will learn, but painfully.

It makes sooooo much sense why I am a therapist and teacher.
Why I take on care taker roles.
It is a crisis, and I am in the middle of it, able to extend myself to see and hear, and speak for.
Exhausting.

I need to go back to my things.
I have work to do. I have projects.
I have my own friends and my own concerns.
Will I be able to switch directions?

Lacking

I find myself slipping out of life these days.
Work, investing in others professionally, seems to be my anchor to this reality. A long hard day, and then what is left afterwards?

I wake up and think of a life time ago.
I have dreams that seem more real than my actual life (there are people around in my dreams).
I watch youtube, netflix, play little games, read books, go for walks by myself.
But what is life without connection? Without someone investing in you?

Rachel and I went for a walk and talked about the things that are missing.
Illy and I went for a walk and talked about how we need to avoid talking about heavy things to not weigh each other down.
The social interactions feel connective, but not foundational.

But also:
My step dad and step brother dropped off furniture from my mom's office.
My dad had a birthday party.
Life moves forward.



I had a dream this week that was hard, but real.
I was repairing with a love, letting go of the attachment to the pain/hurt/abandonment.
It wasn't pleasant. But it was true. It felt karmic. The person transformed a number of times, looking like old friends I have abandoned, but the character had left me instead and so I was repaid for my mistakes, and in hearing from them, I could forgive myself and them.
And then I woke up, and life felt unreal.

I think the thing that bothers me, is that I could slip away from this life without it mattering.
I walk down the street and see myself as just another thing in the midst of things. A tree, a human, a bus, a sign, a sidewalk. None of this is any more important than the next, but I want to be important, I desire being special. My ego is soooooo afraid of being nothing.

I do a little assessment, a little reframe.
The trick they say, is to see it as an opening. As preparation. As an invitation.
The mystery will reveal itself with time.
The vacant space will be filled.
The lessons will be learned.
The next thing will always come.

But in the moment, it often feels like I am a pawn in my own life... a ghost of myself.

Anxious thoughts

This whole post was written before I had enough coffee to spell check properly.

Tarot readers often talk about foundations.
Its actually really interesting how there is this whole language of symbols and meanings, not that the term foundation is so different from any other use of the word, just that they see it as and essential day to day thing to discuss, and the rest of us rarely consider it. In social work we might consider their systems and supports.

What are my foundations?
Family; but it's pretty divided. The niece and nephew brought everyone together, and now quarantine has split us again.

Work; most of my energy goes here, and I get most of my purpose from it.

Friends; struggling, but still in touch with peeps.

Church;  more like spirituality, I was attending the UU church, and now because of quarantine I do not.

Body; I guess my walks lately have been the biggest self care.

Safety net; the reason I don't live my life in paralyzing fear.

Apartment; it's solid. But I also wonder what next and if I need something else to make me feeling like I am moving forward in life.

Cat????? people keep telling me to get one. I have doubts about whether that would be a good thing. I think I could too easily become neglectful of myself (read: future opportunities). On the flipside, maybe it would help me balance my next relationship... like, I would stay over but I have to feed the cat. Giving me a reason to have boundaries.

The heart: its strong, but so tender...

The mind; it's squishy...

When the mind is a barrier:
I've been having a lot of anxiety in my body and mind, and I rarely question it directly. It feels like I am exhausted, or lack creativity, or desire something to balance me. I want to control the things that I have no control over. However, my thoughts are fairly controlled right now, but they aren't always helpful. I am pretty sure what is happening is that I am taking on low vibes from my clients and others, and then trying to metabolize it.  I am struggling to figure out how to keep the balance, because it seems like no one has capacity right now. I go for walks. I pray and meditate. I sing and dance a little. I sage. I send people jokes. I write and write. I watch funny stuff.

I find it interesting how other people are able to do this without taking it on. My mom for instance, rarely seems all that impacted by people's stuff. For me, I have to consider what it feels like, not just what I know about it. It's not just knowledge... I guess, it's more than that. Life is full of suffering, and people need to know that they aren't alone, that someone hears them. But how to not get stuck with them???? In social work school they talk about how you don't want the extremes in empathetic responses, don't take on their stuff, and don't ignore it.
The pivot of "I feel you, and you can make the change." is a hard one.

What happens is that after all the human life stuff, I run into my own existential and personal stuff. This week I had to sage myself and my space about 5 times. Each time it felt really helpful in letting go. I think I should probably make this a daily practice.  I know some people shower or take a bath at the end of the day, I could probably do something like that too but I like showering to start the day.
So what happens after I am done thinking through their stuff, is that my own doubts wander in.
Doubts in relationships, doubts in work, judgments of myself, fears that I can't do more, fears that I can't rely on people and I am alone. My circumstances mirror so many of my fears that I can't tell if it is just evidence or misperception.

Being "good" is a big part of this.
Being seen as good, or liked.
I worry about this stuff.

When the guy who was "hiring" me was looking at me with doubts, I continued to front -professionally, but I was also feeling like it just confirmed my own fears. I am not good enough yet, not mature enough, speaking without experience, full of shit, despite all the feedback I get from supervisors and coworkers and blah blah blah. I keep fearing this workshop as if it isn't something I've done before. I keep feeling like it's a make or break moment when, yes it could open up opportunities, but I may not even want them, and no, if it goes to shit, the worse thing that would happen is that I don't get invited back, and some parents get snooty. Thats their shit and it's perfectly acceptable for them to not like me. I am offering the knowledge, and a little love their way.
I think the thing is that I take that soooooooo seriously, and I want people to recognize that. And they won't always. They may not take the time to know me, just long enough to have a judgement, their first impression may be to run. -and if it is, that's not my shit to worry about.

Rejection?  Maybe that's what I am afraid of.  Feeling rejected by others sure doesn't feel good.
With some of my perfectionist clients, I sometimes joke that we might have to do exposure work and force them to fail.  Maybe I need to practice getting rejected. Take on a few opportunities, or ask a few people out, and get rejected.

My mind returns to the most recent rejection, but of course I can summon up a few handfuls when I want to beat myself down. I have to argue soooo hard with myself to not be overcome.

But the truth is I am not loved by everyone, some of the people I have loved the most, didn't want my heart. Didn't know what to do with it.  Thats the truth. I have a hard time letting that stuff go, it gets brought back up whenever I am trying to figure out why I can't call anyone, or why I am not in a solid relationship... its pretty easy to point to stuff and say "Cuz uh, you're clearly too much for most people." or the equally mean spirited "They might be happy to have you in their lives to make them feel better, but then they don't give a fuck..."
But honestly I just take a lot of my friends and family for granted. They are here when I need them, and I don't honor that enough, nor do I ask enough.
Got to get over myself.






Been listening to a lot of Mason Jennings lately, its the mix of love and faith and questioning I think. I bet he is way less zen than he projects, I bet he is an anxious mess like me sometimes.


"And all I do is doubt you, God. All I do is love you, God. All I do is question you. What else can I do? This world was never solid ground. The past is coming back around. All I do is search for you. What else can I do?

And when I say I search for you, I mean I search for peace, I search for hope, I search for love, and one day for release."

Another week goes by

This week was really tough. I think I managed it well. Still very behind in paperwork. 
I think I probably still need to cry, but the reality is I spent today feeling fairly relaxed. 
Went for walks, enjoyed some music and some comedy. Even took a nap.

The struggle is that I didn't really have anything to think about. My mind wanted someone to invest in. I spent the week thinking about clients, and occasionally planning for this discussion I am supposed to lead. At times I felt really optimistic and hopeful, at other times totally heart broken. 

There is a worry that things will continue to get worse with work. Families that are already struggling tend to go into crisis when there are big worldly events happening. 

I've reached out to some friends to say hi, but I am worried that I am isolating more and more. Hard to have meaningful connection when you're stuck inside.

Little brother struggling too. It freaked mom out. Parents are forcing him into therapy, and cd assessment. 

Jess says I need to get a cat. 
I think I need to read more books and spend less time on instagram.
Maybe I need to grow a garden. 
Wishing I had someone to invest in and someone who wanted to invest in me. 

There isn't much more to say.