okcupid jerk

So, I am on okcupid again, because Jared told me I should be. 
I made a genuine effort for a few days, but lately I have switched back into old habits.
As I have stated before, okcupid makes me feel super shallow...  both when I think about the people I am searching through, and also when I think about myself. Like I message people, they don't respond, I feel bad about myself. People message me, I dont respond or I do, but not necessarily with interest, I feel bad. 

So this woman messaged me, basically just saying "hi" and the site told me she had visited me before. I think the personality questions have pegged us at being fairly similar. She made the move, and then when I went on today she actually initiated the chat function. 
So the thing about this woman is that she is a little person. I am not necessarily attracted to her physically but then there is also the fact that she is a little person. And she says Hi, and I say hi back, she flatters me, after all no one else has actually ever tried to chat with me, and beyond that she is really open and perhaps a little "forward" though I take it as a compliment. I am impressed with her courage, I am impressed with her humor and I am interested in many of the same things she is. Eventually she asks about whether we can skype, she says it was nice that I even responded and I this whole time I am thinking, I am interested in this woman's life, her experiences, but she wants to be my girlfriend and I am not interested in her in that way. Eventually I start to feel really conflicted like I am leading her on. And the whole thing seems conceited because in so many ways I think this woman has more of a handle on her life and what she wants and knows how to get it, then I can even imagine. I am almost intimidated by her level of confidence, but then this is still my ableism showing right? (like deep inside me, there is something saying she shouldn't be... right?)  so... eventually she asks if she has scared me away, and I tell her I think am one of those guys that frustrates her because she has (in her words) "all the good qualities that would make a great girl friend" but I am imagining the hangups caused by my shallowness.  She tells me its my loss, and everything in me thinks, how true that statement is.


Part of me wants to defend myself with other comparisons, the friends I have rejected, the parts of myself I have rejected. Its not like I am only shying away from this one person, I am shutting myself off from all sorts of possibilities... someone recently referred to it as learning to know what you actually are interested in (perhaps), neurologically they call it neural pruning, like you are cutting away the unnecessary or unused portions of your brain, but thats my loss isn't it?  I'm losing either way...

I can spend my time recognizing that I don't want to spend my time on ventures that don't lead to my happiness, and yet, so much of my happiness has been brought about by the unexpected.  
This issue really does take up all my time.  I know what I enjoy, I enjoyed talking to this woman, thinking about her, wondering about her perspective, but I felt like I was leading her on either way.

okcupid jerk,  more like a no win situation. I hope she continues to be confident and outgoing in the way I typically only fantasize about.  I hope she finds the guy she can be good to, and who can be good to her.

and maybe I can find that too, but who knows.