2101

"He don't stay out anymore, No more coming in past four, Most nights he turns in 'round ten, He's way too tired to pretend, Sure, you might find him up at three, But if he is it's just to pee, Sometimes he's awake 'till two, But that's just 'cause he's missing you, He's lying there and missing you"

I have been reading about attachment.  
Its hard not to get attached,  for instance I just read this really beautiful statement of love and affection written by a 26 year old to her best friend of 14 years on missed connections on craigslist. She described walking away as choosing to let an elephant sit on her.
Hard not to get attached.

Today at work, may have been the most chaotic, the most violent, the most frustrating day ever. In the moment I saw a police officer arrest my colleague I was pretty much in shock and yet acted fine. I was shaking from adrenaline and maybe the cold, but I stood my ground and watched and witnessed and answered questions and talked about the situation with the other officer.  I was momentarily detached enough to suggest that I was semi-comfortable with the situation, but trying to write it down later caused me to start crying almost immediately.  As did hearing from some of my students about their interactions with the police, while I was trying to lead a discussion with a crowded room, I couldn't remember the words I needed to speak, and heard my voice breaking, sometimes you have to look away from a crowded room, just a moment to bare witness to your own shaking.
Hard not to get attached.


I was rereading some of the things I have posted lately. 
I feel like my life is caught in a loop, a constant cycle where I spend all my time and energy worrying about these big picture things and neglect some of the things that are closer to home. Sometimes intentionally neglect them because its a lot easier to deal with big outside things that seem chaotic, then the often dramatic situations inside.  I have all these feelings I am not really aware of that are dragging me down, and I choose not to become aware of them because I don't know what to do with them, because as real as they may be, they are not helpful.
and in saving the world or protecting oneself, its hard not to get attached

I miss my cats, they were a huge pain in the ass and we weren't supposed to have them, and I was sick of feeding them several hundred times a day, but there is nothing like a pet to sooth the parts of us we don't let each other sooth.
and sometimes I feel very inhuman, because I don't allow myself to be soothed by anyone, for whatever fear of being hurt, weak or attached. and in that I show how attached I am to my own shame.

The look on my coworker's face when she was being cuffed was how I live my life,
She looked simultaneously proud and ashamed, like she had done what she knew to be right and was immediately punished for it. It was a second on her face but feels like forever in my heart.
I don't mean to say all my actions are good or right, but that in my heart it always feels like it won't matter how right they are...

I don't write or draw or read as often as I would like to.
Its funny that I made it past 27 and still feel like I don't have much time left... like I got really used to that mode of thinking. Now I find myself once again really caught up in that space of what the hell am I doing with my life? like not my actions, but the way I choose to spend my time and the time I spend on such unfix-able situations. The intention and focus I put on the enormous, the longing and sentiment directed into a void that doesn't give back the same.

In Buddhism, one is supposed to be compassionate towards one who is in pain, who is in joy and who is in daily life.
Sometimes I am overwhelmed with pain, joy and daily life,  (as all of these are attachments)
but I really enjoy the times when I can be compassionate towards myself for these things, so rarely does it happen, but it feels real in a way that even the sense of feeling joy doesn't. Its a really beautiful out of body feeling and I can understand how a monk could dedicate their life to it, but I am several lifetimes away from being that devoted me thinks...

I have been watching a lot of long island medium (tv show), not sure if its real or not, but it makes me feel good. I never realized how much that stuff matters to me, because when people say they fear death, I don't, not like I fear the dark, not like I fear being vulnerable, not like I fear zombies and things...
But I fear life not mattering, and though most spiritual perspectives say that is basically true, there is a freedom in that, that allows life to matter to me.  

oh well...  enjoy