One thing I do not appreciate about my job is that it is so demanding that I regularly feel disconnected from my center.   Somewhere around 1 AM this morning I started feeling really truthful, not overwhelmed with emotion, not separate, but somewhere in the balance between creative and inspired, motivated, logical and yet able to emote... I wanted to paint and appreciate but felt I didn't have enough time, because 1 am means bed time soon... but I wished that that feeling would come more often. Sometimes it feels like months in-between spurts.

Earlier this year I told one of our administrators that 95 % of the time I love my job.  I think that's mostly true, but sometimes I wonder what else I could be doing that would feel fulfilling. Would working with adults help? Would being in administration? Would fishing off a beach in Uruguay make the difference? Would switching to a 4 day week help? Should I take on less classes instead of more?

I get bored with the same old routines and yet maybe I need to focus more on me. 

I have been thinking about how I haven't really exercised since some time this summer and even then it was like going for a walk.

I don't really take the time to take care of myself.  I need to start obligating myself to things.

An art class or a writing class, or an exercise routine. 

Nona Marie and the Choir

Have I ever mentioned to you how good Nona's covers are?

Classic Plank

Superwoman

Plane

Mummy

3 updates and a note

The reconciliation process has begun, I think. Trying to be careful not to give in to my ever forgiving personality, and stay true to the pieces of real hurt.

Teaching 4 classes during interim: Improv, Logic, History through Graphic Novels, Struggle & Occupy (an updated history of MN activism).

Looking forward to graphic novels the least. I'm co-teaching Logic with the math teacher, should be interesting. I think he is thinking of logical progressions in  math, what is missing from this equation?  How do these elements interact to give you the missing portion? Where as I am thinking of logic from the argumentation point of view... So the trick will be creating that link, what is the missing premise to this argument? How do these elements interact to give you a logical argument?

There are soft warm places in your heart that can be easily and not so easily opened, discovered, but not always easy to recreate, not ever easy to live without again. 

*The note* Joanna Newsom is doing a good job of melodically touching the notes of warmth, but still not the multi-sensory experience I was looking for.

Somebody in Russia keeps checking out my blogs. That is very flattering, but I don't write enough to keep ya entertained like that. Especially not that poetry blog, which hasn't been updated in 6 months. You might want to try subscribing, so you get updates instead of having to check it all the time. 

I only know one person in Russia right now, I am guessing it is not you. 

But thanks for the interest. 

Did a bunch of Spirit of Truth stuff this weekend, new leadership council is forming and running into the same old problems. It is fun but will be a challenge. 

Yesterday I broke down and cried during a few songs in church. Specifically we were singing "Turn Turn Turn" by the Byrds and there were some lines that made me all emotional. Hard for me to recognize the good in "the time for" negative seeming things. Still the time to refrain from embracing, surely does cause a need to embrace elsewhere... and I am glad that this has allowed me the tiniest bit of recognition of my other friends, who I  push away too quickly. 

I slept like I had been infused with coffee before falling asleep. I was having some dramatic dream when my alarm went off, action packed climax was about to occur and then was lost forever. 

My horoscope said that I would be disheartened and should look for diversions today. 

Right from the moment of waking.

I haven't listened to any Mars Volta in months.... still so good.

I'm trying to write this letter to this supposed best friend of mine who I feel totally abandoned and neglected by... and I have such a hard time because I feel like I can't even be openly angry, I can't defend myself and I hate that I've been put in this position...
Like why do I feel like the bad guy for wanting someone to show me the tiniest amount of dignity?
It like makes me hate myself on another level,

like not only am I not worth caring about, but I'm not worth standing up for, and I'm heartbroken and furious at both of us for believing it.

Movie was fantastic... you know what else was good?

So down to the right there, I have a list of other peoples' blogs. Adrianne is someone who I have followed for years (or did), I basically read about this woman's life, read her fantasies, her memories, her goals, and about her day. I learned about her friends in college, I started reading their blogs and then their friends too... I did this all throughout college and a little beyond. I also bought her book of poetry and loved it. But I never hung out with Adrianne, not really. I mean I went to some events that she also attended, but tonight I was in her car, hearing about her love of Twilight, her relationship, her flings ... in person. 

That was really nice.

Don't get me wrong, as obsessive as this seems... I actually just really thought she was talented and interesting and cool. I never thought of her as a friend (not really), no crush, no fantasies, just a person out there living a fascinating life and tonight we crossed paths. I didn't think it meant anything to me until I thought about how much I knew about her and how little she knew of me... and then I realized how creepy I am, but also it felt nice to sit next to her in a theater as if I had really known her all these years.Like we were friends.

Gonna go see twilight with high school friends. 

A student was describing his life and family situation today and I teared up or wanted to. I forget sometimes the ridiculous things they go through, the abuse, neglect and shame. 

Its hard to recognize just how different our lives can be...

Sometimes its easier to believe they are lying, after all they lie all the time, whats to distinguish this statement from the next? Never knowing whats true, you tend to take everything with skepticism... but some stories come too easily, and are too awful  to make up... or sometimes like with another student today, its cuz they don't want to say a damn thing about it with you but certain words cause tears to roll down their cheeks... and they look at you through those wet eyes like you're not saying anything but also like they can't wait for you to shut the fuck up.

Something changed yesterday, mid day I suddenly realized I wasn't as crabby as I had been.   I don't know what the difference was... maybe just not sick anymore, or maybe the sun came out or something... but it felt so much better. I was making jokes and doing voices and making faces and had energy. 

Got a leadership meeting for spirit of truth tomorrow. 

There was this girl at Grumpy's last night who I saw as I was walking in.   Some older drunk guys were hitting on her, or knew her or something... but I was like "whoa that girl is cute" in my head...  

Its so weird how we have such different reactions to people.

Some days I think everyone is beautiful, some days I can't stop looking at pictures of my friends, some days I just don't find people attractive, but its weird how some people just cut through it. 

I especially think its interesting when the people we find attractive aren't necessarily the ones that everyone else stops for. Like we catch the shine of  that person's eyes or hair or cheeks or smile or spirit... and we can't not see it, even though they walk through the world not being recognized.

Funny enough I think that is one of the funny things about Twilight that draws people in... the main character is seen as attractive but not like the center of the universe... then enter vampire and (almost obsessively) he is stuck on her. 

well since that is full circle... im gonna run

Just like that back to bad eating habits.

I'm not sure if I should be writing this here or directly...

I feel like dismissing whatever half-assed apology comes,  weeks late and a half a world away from proving that it matters. 

Whats another day? I've given enough, why be hasty and dismissive? Why not give the benefit of the doubt, wasn't there once reason, and isn't that reason enough?

I think about it and I get angry, if I care I might care enough to hate, and I'd rather not self-violate myself with that.

Hate? Seriously a little dramatic, don't you think? What is there to hate? What have you really suffered? A little loneliness, a little left out, did you even ask for remedy? 

Well regardless, its enough of a wake up. Whose heart kept whose together? That being the case, what is there to be sorry for? "I'm sorry you had such high expectations." As if that is anyone's fault by my own.

and if that is the case, then why be angry at anyone else? Easy way out, disappointment but are you angry at yourself or someone else? Is that why moments after you think about it you start to hate everything else, everything about yourself, everything you touch becomes doubtful, future cringing, dreadful?  

I think you'll like this as much as I do.

Some old art

Looking at pictures.... I've lived a really good long life full of friendlies. Its amazing how much your memory can ignore until jogged. I forget so many experiences, rooms I have been in, peoples' faces and voices, their outfits, their jokes and stories. Forget the awkwardness in the moment, the concern and doubt. 

Some people are beautiful and stay beautiful and get more beautiful as you grow with them.

Its kind of cool to see these pictures of Jared and Laurel in my house in Morris, then again a year later in the dorms, then again just in the past few months in a house we share. I wouldn't have guessed that outcome years ago.

I wouldn't have guessed that Emily and Kristi would live together, and that I would enjoy their company still even though I never see them because I am to wound up in my own matters.

I wouldn't have guessed at the pictures on my wall that Jess V would call me and ask me to hang out 10 years after I met her and reluctantly (nerves) went to hang out with her... that Jen would be so far away. That she would be married with a child, that Gabi who I crushed on since I was 14 would be out west with a husband and a passion for politics and law. 

There are really too many things too many surprises to name, I am happy with the way things turned out for the most part, though I wish I could keep that joy in my heart all the time. 

I really don't though... 

keep it I mean.

I have not been joyful much at all lately...  whether its the churning of older friendships, or the weather, or the concern for family  or the stress of work or whatever... I am exhausted and bitter and uneasy lately.

I was thinking about music and painting today... how I wish I could be really good at one of them but would never take the time to really put my all into it.  Similarly I looked at a for sale property and thought of all the possibilities but couldn't really imagine me doing it...

 Its like -----> over there is something beautiful and you know you're gonna stay where you are and admire it instead of being part of it. 

Yeah that's me.

Got 5 new cds today. Some old blues, Beirut, Atmosphere and Dessa's enhanced old stuff. 

So far only listened to the Dessa and love it. 

Spent the day picking up garbage around Powderhorn, wondering about people. Trying to find ways to move forward and help others to do so.

Spent the night so far at a movie with Shultz and her boy, we don't get to talk much when we meet each other there. I liked the movie though.

Strung out my voice trying to hit every note in a mix cd on the way home. My car got hot with the effort and I had to pump the music and open the windows. My voice is very fragile and I can already feel the strain in my throat. Sometimes I wonder if I have vocal polyps or something.   More likely just untrained and pressed too hard. 

I really enjoyed the day...  Its been a while since I can say that about a whole day.  I wonder if it had to do with the sun coming out or if it was just the lack of stress. Lacey says picking up trash forces you into the moment, eyes scanning and feet trudging up the leaves so you can see what is buried, seems to have been the right kind of magic. 

Lets see how tomorrow goes. 

How do you tell someone you are mad at them, hurt by their actions and inaction, in just the right way that you get them to hear you and also to be able to make things work better?   

Normally when I need to write someone, I sit down and write out hours and hours of work, edit, reedit, start over, get to the point where I feel that I am mostly getting my point across and also I am exhausted... 

but this one just doesn't come.