2005

The first real photo album on this computer is from the fall and winter of 2005.

I expected to look over it with a sense of dullness but that does not come to pass.
The album contains two folders though they contain duplicates, the first is labeled "fall winter 2005" and mostly contains pictures from Morris.
A smattering of pictures of the new kids on 3B and even a few from 4B, they seem young and smiley, I can't remember half their names and their stories even less.  They were the kids I was supposed to find a place for, but I was too busy finding my own.
The folder also contains many old friends, people I wanted to solidify my relationships with, to claim as mine. Alicia, Krystin, Laurel, Scott and Andy S, Ashley E, Josh, Tall D and Brian, Mike the Rock, Jason and Amber, Tom and Molly, Russ and Eagan.
It also includes new friends like Nikki who I knew I would have an opportunity to get to know as India approached.
Also my attempts to hold onto Becky in some capacity, pictures of events because it seemed the only time I got to see her. 
Mixed in are new relationships, a relationship to alcohol which was blossoming as my friends turned 21, a relationship with Alexis, strange, exciting, innocent seeming.

Its strange to go through the pictures because I remember the massive fluctuations of emotions. There are other years where my emotions vary only a little... but this year, everything seemed so important.

The pictures of these people seem to represent my attempts to be ok, when I wasn't feeling it. They are treasures for me to look at and remember I am loved. They are steps along the way to show that I am making progress in relationships, and sometimes a picture to show someone I care about them.
There are some that stand out because I remember at the time thinking I could escape through my camera and I did. There are others where I was so overwhelmed with excitement that I wasn't even really aiming it. I just wanted to capture the positive feeling because I knew it would vanish soon enough.

When no one was around and often when they were I felt dirty and worthless. People kept coming to me with expectations in their eyes and I hated them, but didn't want them to walk away either.  I remember just feeling broken, like disabled, like I had lost part of myself.

The pictures of Lex weird me out because I remember them the way I saw her at the time angelic, innocent, exciting. Sweet, and then they are suddenly missing to catch the dissociative spells, the moments she left me and I was alone in my doubts again.  Or the night I do have, where her anger and hurt came out far beyond what I thought should have been there... she was mad at me for leaving, and I took it as a compliment, it felt like desire. A different face of the same emotion that I saw in each picture... they all looked like desire to me, sometimes sweet, concerned, lusty, loving... It's 2005 and I saw what I wanted to see.

The other folder is called "Fam and Friends 2005"
Begins with pictures of my Mother's Dad being buried at Fort Snelling. Honor guard with rifles and flags.
The pictures of my family at both my mom and dad's houses.  My cousin Melissa's wedding, and meeting Nova's girlfriend, a lunch with Aimee and then finally the night before I left for India at Pete's. Which was actually 2 nights originally but a bunch of pictures got erased so I only was able to keep the one. 
Many of the SLP folks crowded in the basement like it had always been. This is the only event on the album that calls to me.
Me sitting scared and worried that I wouldn't see them again, miss out on their lives again like I had once before but if I could just capture them all I could take them with me...
Nova and Amy A, Gabi, Hollie, Ryan and Sarah, Morgan, Pete, Nick, Foulkes and  Zach
I couldn't tell them what they meant to me. So I smiled a lot and took their pictures and ignored what was to come.
I didn't sleep much in my 4 days of vacation before my trip. I slept the entire way to India.
A few days later we celebrated 2006.