Eat your heart out

Pretty Dramatic

I don't mean that in the beautiful sense although sometimes I feel happy about my looks.

I feel very off-kilter lately. I feel like I must be the most dramatic person in the world sometimes.

Its entirely a crisis of self consciousness, or maybe of doubt and confusion.

Its entirely based on my therapy session, NO my spiritual group, NO my work situations, NO my friendships, NO my romantic relationships past and future.

I feel like if I just subscribed to the spiritual beliefs of John Frusciante lyrics I would probably be ok... if I struggled to keep them in mind... because they are so crazy and so all over the place and so honest about believing so many different things... and that is true.

I am not having a crisis of faith... I am having a crisis of knowing what I am called to do... because it was clear and then I jumped to something new and now I am wondering if that something new really wasn't all that new, just something else in the disguise of newness.

I still believe in what they are doing... I am just not sure that that is where I get my energy.


Or in other news...

Illy introduced me to the idea of dating someone.
I don't know that that is going to happen... or be good or anything... but I think its really sad how many excuses I have thought up since last night... and how much less frequent the thoughts that it could be good are.

Makes me realize how low my self esteem really is in that department.

It sucks that even when things turn out for the best... when looking back at old relationships its really easy to see the failures and not the triumphs.

I want to talk to my mom.

I feel like I get this song more than ever... even though I am not a touring musician.




My name is volatile
I've been this way a long while
I'd surely like to rest
But the energy gets the best of me
It's been a wild ride
I wouldn't change a minute
I can't slow down inside
Guess that's why I live it

The years of mischief
Followed by weeks of thrift
I land on earth's hard face
No legs could keep that pace
And through the rest I sift

Is there ever a time
When the state of sleeping willingly leaves my mind

Highly frustrated wanna feel elated
Come monday morn you feel checkmated
You can be uncool and become the rule
Exceptions were made to drown

I'm not used to it, you'd think I'd be by now
The ins the outs the ups and the downs

I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures for a while
I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures, Just creatures
It comes and goes and comes and goes

Sometimes I go a little crazy
Sometimes I go a little crazy just like you I do

I know what you we're gonna say
But were afraid to cause dismay
You're lyrics switched around
The mixture watered down
And now a pointless display

It's something one won't understand
Unless there in it with me hand and hand

Don't buy the fear don't buy that my dear
The things you love you must keep near and
Carry on and you won't feel withdrawn
Even if you're coming down

Sometimes it's wearable sometimes is bearable
I careen towards balance til' the glass is full

I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures for a while
I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures, just creatures

It comes and goes and comes and goes
Sometimes
Sometimes I get a little out there
Sometimes I go off
Sometimes just like you

I go a little crazy
Sometimes I go a little crazy just like you I do
Sometimes I go a little crazy
Sometimes I go a little crazy just like you I do

In school today we were reading an excerpt from Master of Love a book by somebody...
The author was talking about how the path of love and the path of fear are opposites.
Very simply put, the path of love makes you feel good, the path of fear makes you feel all the horrible feelings...

The author at one point early on states without much explanation, that for most of us we spend about 95 % of our time and effort in relationships of fear.
We worry about what they will think, feel, how they will react towards themselves or to us. We make excuses for them and ourselves, we don't take responsibility for the right things etc.
We spend so much time fearing that they will judge us that we will forget who we are altogether 95% of the time...

Its hard to recognize how true this is... I mean to really recognize it.

To recognize that almost everything you do you do to please someone elses wrong construction of who you are... and that you try to fit that mold and never disturb their monster and they do the same for you.

Its hard not to put people in that glorious spot.
Hard not to want to find the perfect.
Hard not to want to see it in yourself (someday).
but all that is fear not love.
Love accepts and supports... it doesn't say you aren't good enough.

In my spiritual group last night somebody described the process of Easter being one that could be renewed continually... the death and resurrection of something better, constantly on loop.

Like praying to Shiva in the morning and Brahma in the afternoon... or in reverse perhaps.

I feel this process going on with me lately... and it feels chaotic... it feels stressful... it feels like anxiety and panic, like an urgency to break down barriers and an equally strong urge to build them.

Its not really all that pleasant though at time I feel passionate, at other times I feel quite out of control and still at other times completely drained.

I try to do good things, people pleasing things to offset the balance... and yet I want to destroy, for the sake of honesty, for the sake of myself.

It doesn't feel like I should ask people to trust me right now... it doesn't feel like I should take on more responsibilities and yet that is what I am doing... because I am afraid of letting things falls apart. Because I am afraid of letting myself and others down.
But it would probably be good to have some ultimate failure sooner or later so that I know its ok.
If only that is the message I could take away...
that I am okay.

Thanks to Illy for calling me out at the right time

Letting you know that one piece doesn't necessarily make it easier to be a good person, but it makes it easier to be me.






I need to do my taxes





I need to invite people to the SoT launch.





I need to do some reading and planning





I need to make time for fun, creativity and non-work productivity





I need to do more one on ones

Dissapointed and budgeting for a trip

Last night I started working on Spanish with Rosetta Stone. Turns out they have some pretty strict policies on sharing the program... my mother had bought the program and was told that she could install it on three different computers. I guess its only two and not simultaneously. So if anyone else is running it, I can't, but I may not be able to have it anyway because I would be the third.

I looked at pricing for the program... its cheaper than taking a class, but at least with a class I could get some credits. The program was really easy, fun, interactive. I actually looked forward to the next lesson which I have never felt going to a spanish class.
Sure I have something like 5 friends who speak spanish but I get so embarrassed speaking it and the nice thing about the program is that it seemed really suited to meet the learners needs where as a friend of mine trying to remind me of things would probably just say things that came to their head, not what I might actually need.

I would buy the program, but I am not necessarily on good financial ground right now.
I have three or four big expenses right now that are weighing on me. Still I feel like this might be a really helpful thing before I go to Mexico and I have been wanting to pick up some language skills lately... I feel like it would help my work at school too.

Bills:
Credit cards $431 + recent purchases.
Car Insurance $653
Taxes (Probably go to H&R Block which costs mucho)
Upcoming counseling bills
-something around $2000

So these plus regular stuff...


Rosetta stone costs
approx: $230 -700 depending on which version. The one my mom had costs $409 and seemed pretty basic (I was wondering if I would need another level).

I guess the real question is will this be worth it?
In the long run if I buy a copy of it I can touch up on my skills anytime... I will have enough time to practice a bunch before my trip (so that things sound familiar when I get there).
My total budget for my trip was going to be well over what I spent in Europe for the amount of time because I was spending about 1000 a month there on average, but I am expecting a lot more expenses (even though things will be cheaper in Mexico) I am not planning on bringing much. For instance I was thinking one slightly bigger backpack (but not a backpacker pack) and just buying clothes and things as I need them.
The climate changes will be pretty dramatic, but I assume if it gets cold I can buy a sweatshirt or a small rain jacket. If it gets hot I can strip off clothes.
I just don't want to be worried about my bag, ideally I would like to be able to lose it or have it stolen and other than maybe a guide book (not worry about what I am missing).
Anyway this means more costs than Europe. I also want flexibility with transportation and my route. If I want to go to Guatemala city, then I should go. If I want to spend a week traveling to small villages in Chiapas or Oaxaca then I should. If I want to fly out of Mexico city instead of flying out of Cancun, then I should... but this could all lead to higher costs. So I was thinking that tickets and insurance or whatever included I would budget 3000 for a month. Maybe I was over budgeting and the added expense of rosetta stone could be part of that.... but last year with work I saved exactly $3000 by the end of the summer and since I didn't really get a raise I was expecting about the same this year (only I have had more expenses).
Right now I have saved about 1400, but like I said I have a bunch of bills to pay in the next week or so, so I am guessing much of that will be gone shortly.
As of right now tickets look like they will be around $500 for the round trip (the circular route to and from Cancun). Seems like Rosetta Stone might be a good investment.... maybe not so disappointed.

Indecision

Turns out I am not dying. Which is good according to some.
What I am suffering from now other than eczema (doctors diagnosis on red spot) is indecisiveness.
Should I learn spanish? Watch a movie? Read a book? Go to sleep?
Everything seems like such a commitment. What happens if I get tired half way through the spanish lesson/chapter/movie?

Shaving head reveals troublesome spots... time to go to dr.

So.... along with just having a really uneven cut...


I have always had a few spots on my head...

but for the last year or so I have been picking at this one. I had no idea it was so big! Now I am worried...

The Frustrating Things

Well it seemed like time to post so here is whats up:

I am currently on spring break (the perks of being a teacher) which has allowed me to have a lot of time to do other things like relax, read, hang out with friends, plan a trip to Mexico etc. This time has been really good for my personal well being. I have for the most part felt fairly good about who I am and my place in the world. At times I have even felt really excited about things I can teach in the future, my trip and some of the friendships and opportunities I have.
I had three major goals for this time: A) To plan my trip and do research on Mexico B) to get my car title transferred C) to hang out with friends and make some of the invitations to the big event we are planning for May 23rd.

I am doing pretty well on 1 of those three (A). I plan on getting B done tomorrow since the DMV will be closed on the weekend. C is a longer process. I think I could probably send out generic invites but a lot of people don't even know what the group is. I think if I were to explain basic ideas of it most of the people I have in mind would be interested, but the idea of mixing religion and politics is so backwards to a lot of my friends that I could very well get very negative responses despite the fact that these people might trust me personally.

Maybe you have thoughts?
From the tentative website:
Our conviction is that love is the center of all that is, and justice is the public expression of love.

The stories that touch us and that ring true in our hearts are stories of liberation, freedom and world transformation. From Moses and the Exodus, to the American Civil Rights movement, we are moved and invited to participate in creating a world of justice and freedom. While the world as we experience it each day and our own cynicism and fear might lead us to deny love and justice, it is the truth into which we must live.

Spirit of Truth is a new faith community that is dedicated to truth of love and justice. We believe God calls us to live life in community with each other, to work powerfully for justice, and to act humbly out of love.

Spirit of Truth is just beginning, yet has already been powerful and transformational. If you are interested in a new faith community that is inclusive of all, is powerful, multi-racial, relationship-based, and co-creational, please join us!

I think its funny because as much as it may be a faith community it is more of a value community. We use language that sounds religious, but when you compare the meanings we use these words with to that of "christians" in this country they are on complete opposite ends of the spectrum. We use political language to describe the stories in the bible, and religious language to describe the modern day...
at the heart of it is the very common idea (now) that God is love, but we take it a step further and say the worldly expression of love is justice. Meaning you wont find god/love in injustice, but you will always find it (if you are looking) in the struggle against injustice and the creation of a just world. So our mission as humans then is to try to create a better world where people see in each other goodness, where we don't live in fear, where we try to create opportunity for all... and we look at the struggles of the past (in sacred texts and secular ones) to find stories of people who struggled for these same ideas... and use them to guide us.
In many ways this is different from religion (as a set of rules or hierarchies to follow), but it does require faith and an acceptance that your values are important.

------------------------

So speaking of which... back to the personal.

When I started writing I was really pissed off. I was pissed off because I don't understand why I take everything so personally, ticked off because I feel like sometimes people who love me also seem to hate me, ticked off because I am constantly in contact with people who hate themselves and are determined to hurt themselves, ticked off because there is nothing I can do about it, ticked off because I feel guilty about that.

(Back to the Spirit of Truth thing, part of the reason we believe in community is because as an individual you can only do so much, but in community you can change the world- behind every individual in history there was a community relegated to invisibility by the text and stories but there none the less).

I had my second visit to the counselor this week. I am officially diagnosed with Paraphilia (not otherwise specified) and Anxiety Disorder (not otherwise specified). That's so that I can be tracked by my insurance company even though they don't want to pay. Both of these could be changed, added or subtracted at any minute according to my doctor based on things I say because we will be pursuing these paths in the future, but he seemed confident that I fit the criteria for these two without (at this point) meeting requirements for any other diagnosis (fun).
From my own point of view though I agree entirely. For years I have been wandering in and out of anxiety related problems, constantly second guessing myself, creating boundaries that other people don't need but that help me feel safe/comfortable/allow me to trust myself. I started describing some of these things to the doctor and though he stays very pleasant during the sessions (and I am sure he has heard everything) he seemed almost relieved to realize that I overstated my concerns about myself (while being honest for the first time ever!) -or was it just me that was relieved when I heard myself out loud recognizing all the work I have done to try to be a better person... and yet it seems so unnecessary for any "normal" person.
Paraphilia is no surprise story... how often have I derisively or proudly proclaimed myself a pervert?
The whole thing is a weight off my chest, shoulders, stomach, joints and muscles... not to mention my heart and over-reactive brain... but at the same time I wish I could just move forward without scheduling, without missing work, without paying exorbitant costs. I wish I could know my future... and be told (You will be alright)... though the doctor almost gave me that assurance the other day.
In the meantime I told Lacey yesterday or the day before (the days are starting to mix because I am not on a routine schedule) that one of my hopes is that I will learn to be less picky about people again... that I will drop some of my baggage enough to recognize and enjoy difference, variety, "flaws" (the ones I do see, not the ones I already love) in potential partners. Furthermore that I will stop being so damn defensive (which is, I believe where the picky-ness comes from). My reasoning doesn't necessarily make the best of sense, but in general I am hoping that when I stop hating myself I will stop being so negative and open up to the possibilities again.
In recognizing this though I had a moment of "holy shit I'm fucked up" which I have said in statement but I don't think I really appreciated fully. I am really messed up over past relationships.
Years ago Becky sent me a letter and said she needed to "take the power back" and I agreed with her... but now I sort of feel like I have been on the defensive/victim side for too long and need to do so myself. I shouldn't feel like shit every time I accidentally hurt someone's feelings, nor should I assume I did something wrong every time someone else is cranky.
I need to start being okay with people being mad, disappointed, frustrated with me... I am working on this at work, but its a hell of a lot harder with friends and family....
and here I am back at the beginning of this whole counseling thing.
At some point I will forgive myself, possibly in the process I will have to ask for forgiveness from people and wait for them to work through their anger with me till we reconcile.

Well thats my rant for the night and I am sticking to it, even if it sounds a lot like shit I have said a week or two ago or 6 years ago for that matter.