It would be nice to know how many times I will be in this situation in this life.
The one in which everything seems so familiar, the circumstances nearly always the same, and yet, still so helpless, and the weight of the past combined with the present makes it feel so much worse, and everything I want to say or type gets choked.
I'm reading this book Lacey lent me, the old man narrator writes about carrying the different emotions in different organs. Like disappointment in self in one kidney and disappointment in others in the other one.
I don't feel this in my gut where I usually keep my worries, that anxiousness that makes me queasy and not just not hungry, but sends me to the bathroom regularly.
I feel this in my throat and it spreads both ways, causing me to choke and gag on my spit as my lungs simultaneously wish to gasp for air... in that place where I imagine my tonsils once were.
and it spreads down the other way, through my defeated lungs that seem so tightened to my diaphragm that seems to knot itself in a way that presses my digestive organs into a tighter space, placing pressure on my lower spine which shoots back up to the top meeting my choking neck to complete the circuit.
That is helplessness,
I am sure people feel it when they watch their loved ones murdered and are unable to do anything about it, like nazis killing jews who should flee but knowing there isnt a point, continue to stand in the line...
Part of you wants to close your eyes and imagine that this is not so... but nothing in your body will let you off so easily.
Just Breathe
___________________________
just moments later, in finally spitting something out... it eases somewhat.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Funny how music can make simple lyrics brilliant.
You ever heard "When the Tigers Broke Free"?
It wasn't even put on the original album,
but with the music these simple lyrics about the death of the writer's father become epic and even more heartbreaking, even more, in the film they allow for the perfect justification for the main characters break from reality and slip into more un-sane realms. The part in red amazes me because its such a simple rhyme (almost cheesy in any other circumstances) but in the song its like the first break in his heart, forshadowing the awful conclusion -for even at this point in the song, he hints that the others were happy that these few could be sacrificed so that their larger plans could be saved, if they only last "for a while."
It was just before dawn
One miserable morning in black 'forty four.
When the forward commander
Was told to sit tight
When he asked that his men be withdrawn.
And the Generals gave thanks
As the other ranks, held back
The enemy tanks, for a while.
And the Anzio bridgehead
Was held for the price
Of a few hundred ordinary lives.
And kind old King George
Sent Mother a note
When he heard that father was gone.
It was, I recall,
In the form of a scroll,
With gold leaf and all.
And I found it one day
In a drawer of old photographs, hidden away.
And my eyes still grow damp to remember
His Majesty signed
With his own rubber stamp.
It was dark all around.
There was frost in the ground
When the tigers broke free.
And no one survived
From the Royal Fusiliers Company C.
They were all left behind,
Most of them dead,
The rest of them dying.
And that's how the High Command
Took my daddy from me.
You ever heard "When the Tigers Broke Free"?
It wasn't even put on the original album,
but with the music these simple lyrics about the death of the writer's father become epic and even more heartbreaking, even more, in the film they allow for the perfect justification for the main characters break from reality and slip into more un-sane realms. The part in red amazes me because its such a simple rhyme (almost cheesy in any other circumstances) but in the song its like the first break in his heart, forshadowing the awful conclusion -for even at this point in the song, he hints that the others were happy that these few could be sacrificed so that their larger plans could be saved, if they only last "for a while."
It was just before dawn
One miserable morning in black 'forty four.
When the forward commander
Was told to sit tight
When he asked that his men be withdrawn.
And the Generals gave thanks
As the other ranks, held back
The enemy tanks, for a while.
And the Anzio bridgehead
Was held for the price
Of a few hundred ordinary lives.
And kind old King George
Sent Mother a note
When he heard that father was gone.
It was, I recall,
In the form of a scroll,
With gold leaf and all.
And I found it one day
In a drawer of old photographs, hidden away.
And my eyes still grow damp to remember
His Majesty signed
With his own rubber stamp.
It was dark all around.
There was frost in the ground
When the tigers broke free.
And no one survived
From the Royal Fusiliers Company C.
They were all left behind,
Most of them dead,
The rest of them dying.
And that's how the High Command
Took my daddy from me.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Waited too long to eat. Now nothing is open.
That's how I start because that's one kind of empty.
I feel like I report to 60 different friends, a few of em feeling more special than others perhaps, but not a one to report my after hours smiles to -and that wipes the smile from my face.
and that's another kind.
I'm really impressed with the possibilities and characters of this world lately, again it seems each face has a story. Each place a history. Each choice a dilemma -a heavy one, an enlightening one. I seem so afraid to say yes, but I am saying yes to everything lately... and the gap between saying yes and saying yes brings another feeling of empty.
A conversation tonight, and I came to the conclusion that only love could fill that hole of insecurity, and I'm not sure she felt the same way, and not being able to reassure friends in their moments of need, now that's another feeling of empty.
but enough of that.
Work has been stressful but good. Making small steps in the right direction. Learning and relearning probably a lot more than the students are.
We have this big event coming up on Thursday in which all students and former staff are invited to reconnect. I have no idea what to expect, in some ways I know we are on display, and yet we haven't been setting the thing up, so in part a lot of it is not ours to own.
That's how I start because that's one kind of empty.
I feel like I report to 60 different friends, a few of em feeling more special than others perhaps, but not a one to report my after hours smiles to -and that wipes the smile from my face.
and that's another kind.
I'm really impressed with the possibilities and characters of this world lately, again it seems each face has a story. Each place a history. Each choice a dilemma -a heavy one, an enlightening one. I seem so afraid to say yes, but I am saying yes to everything lately... and the gap between saying yes and saying yes brings another feeling of empty.
A conversation tonight, and I came to the conclusion that only love could fill that hole of insecurity, and I'm not sure she felt the same way, and not being able to reassure friends in their moments of need, now that's another feeling of empty.
but enough of that.
Work has been stressful but good. Making small steps in the right direction. Learning and relearning probably a lot more than the students are.
We have this big event coming up on Thursday in which all students and former staff are invited to reconnect. I have no idea what to expect, in some ways I know we are on display, and yet we haven't been setting the thing up, so in part a lot of it is not ours to own.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Friendship is sometimes mistaken as love. I wrote a poem or two about it, probably even more posts... and I am both witness to the mistake and victim/perpetrator of it. Who knows if one can have agency in such calamity. Is it inevitable like waking from a dream, or is it sought after like praying for that dream again.
I talked to a coworker today who happens to be a medicine man. A singer, a worker, a teacher, a nomad, a spiritual leader, he seems to have very few limitations sometimes.
I thought it was weird, at one point my vision blurred and my ears had a hard time listening, I didn't trust him during this time. But it returned to normal and I trusted him again.
I also saw Mary motherfucken Allen at the hard times and it was funny to see how she grows each time. I used to think she was older than me, because she was so self assured, but she seems quieter now and I think that is her maturity, self assured to the point she don't need to prove it anymore. I wonder what she thinks of me at these weird random interactions.
I hate my stomach. All morning I was sick, and now it seems like a completely different illness but there all the same.
Sometimes everyone you see seems familiar, thats one of the cool things in life.
School today was sort of a mix of awful and spectacular. All the kids seemed to be pissed off from having terrible weekends but instead of complaining and being obnoxious they just shut up. Which was nice actually. I think many of us looked forward to weekends, as surely my students do, but often when they come back on Monday or Tuesday they seem worn down, exhausted, stressed, hurt and angry. It makes it obvious that not every teen is carefree and excited about life, some of them aren't doing so hot on their own out there.
My car briefly broke tonight. The starter just wouldn't work. I got out and looked around for the closest mechanic shop(I was on Hennepin) but when I got back into my car and tried it again it worked just fine.
I talked with a friend about the fortune I received the other day from a cookie. It said "we judge others by their actions, we judge ourselves by our intentions." At the time I asked my dad what he thought they intended to mean, he assumed they meant we are less forgiving of others because we don't know their intentions. I can see it that way, but I don't know that I see it that way for me. I judge others sometimes based on their actions, but more often I judge them based on what I assume their intentions to be. I usually try to understand the action, and then it is a lot easier to go along with rather than be angry or judgmental toward them.
But as for myself, well I know my intentions and my intentions are not always good... so then how can I forgive myself?
She confronted me trying to get me to remember that we can't always be good, nor have good intentions towards everyone all the time. I acknowledged this, but mentioned that it pained me because I wish I could always have good intentions so that I wouldn't hurt people. She said that even if I love people I will still hurt them and that because they love me back they will forgive me... and though I know that is how it works.
It instantly hit me, hurt me in my heart, because I knew that my reply was that I didn't believe that. Not for me at least.
Its hard to look people in the eye and not speak truth to them. Its hard to be hit in the heart and not reach out, ask for forgiveness or ask why they can't forgive themselves.
I wanted so much to break down the walls between us, because that is the most important thing, but I knew if I asked her why suddenly she wasn't eating pie anymore she would put up walls and walk away, how long to wait until we could be truthful again?
And if I told her my secrets she'd lock the door,
and I'd have my answer about not being forgiven,
but she wouldn't recognize the hypocrisy between her statements and her actions,
because we expect some secrets to stay hidden and unforgiven.
I talked to a coworker today who happens to be a medicine man. A singer, a worker, a teacher, a nomad, a spiritual leader, he seems to have very few limitations sometimes.
I thought it was weird, at one point my vision blurred and my ears had a hard time listening, I didn't trust him during this time. But it returned to normal and I trusted him again.
I also saw Mary motherfucken Allen at the hard times and it was funny to see how she grows each time. I used to think she was older than me, because she was so self assured, but she seems quieter now and I think that is her maturity, self assured to the point she don't need to prove it anymore. I wonder what she thinks of me at these weird random interactions.
I hate my stomach. All morning I was sick, and now it seems like a completely different illness but there all the same.
Sometimes everyone you see seems familiar, thats one of the cool things in life.
School today was sort of a mix of awful and spectacular. All the kids seemed to be pissed off from having terrible weekends but instead of complaining and being obnoxious they just shut up. Which was nice actually. I think many of us looked forward to weekends, as surely my students do, but often when they come back on Monday or Tuesday they seem worn down, exhausted, stressed, hurt and angry. It makes it obvious that not every teen is carefree and excited about life, some of them aren't doing so hot on their own out there.
My car briefly broke tonight. The starter just wouldn't work. I got out and looked around for the closest mechanic shop(I was on Hennepin) but when I got back into my car and tried it again it worked just fine.
I talked with a friend about the fortune I received the other day from a cookie. It said "we judge others by their actions, we judge ourselves by our intentions." At the time I asked my dad what he thought they intended to mean, he assumed they meant we are less forgiving of others because we don't know their intentions. I can see it that way, but I don't know that I see it that way for me. I judge others sometimes based on their actions, but more often I judge them based on what I assume their intentions to be. I usually try to understand the action, and then it is a lot easier to go along with rather than be angry or judgmental toward them.
But as for myself, well I know my intentions and my intentions are not always good... so then how can I forgive myself?
She confronted me trying to get me to remember that we can't always be good, nor have good intentions towards everyone all the time. I acknowledged this, but mentioned that it pained me because I wish I could always have good intentions so that I wouldn't hurt people. She said that even if I love people I will still hurt them and that because they love me back they will forgive me... and though I know that is how it works.
It instantly hit me, hurt me in my heart, because I knew that my reply was that I didn't believe that. Not for me at least.
Its hard to look people in the eye and not speak truth to them. Its hard to be hit in the heart and not reach out, ask for forgiveness or ask why they can't forgive themselves.
I wanted so much to break down the walls between us, because that is the most important thing, but I knew if I asked her why suddenly she wasn't eating pie anymore she would put up walls and walk away, how long to wait until we could be truthful again?
And if I told her my secrets she'd lock the door,
and I'd have my answer about not being forgiven,
but she wouldn't recognize the hypocrisy between her statements and her actions,
because we expect some secrets to stay hidden and unforgiven.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
I don't really have anything to say, but its been a while. Maybe add some pictures or something.
I have something like 4 million pounds of candy at my finger tips, but something tells me I should eat actual food.
I have been throwing around decisions in my brain lately. Like theoretically how does one get someone to understand, does sharing cause forgiveness or flight and does it matter?
Does helping mean bringing awareness or should want jump to the front and help with a hand?
Does love mean trying something new, pushing past doubts, having faith and taking risks? or is that foolish and misguided, perhaps worse does it lead to regret, mistakes.
Why do babies make things more and less complicated?
When I see my dad hold my cousin's child, nothing seems more important. I instantly scheme to make babies. When reality sets in, I realize the responsibilities are enormous. I scare easily.
What level of honestly is good?
Should I say I am sick, bored and unfaithful?
Should I announce I am beastly, evil and hateful?
Should I proclaim I am contemptuous, jealous and scared?
Should I cry I am weak, vulnerable and bare?
Should I fight, push, agitate?
cower, retreat, disintegrate?
zealously empower, all grandiose
or humbly disengage and draw close?
and what is selfish and what its adverse
and will it remain joyful when the roles are reversed?
and would you claim knowledge, if it lies in your gut
or settle for something else, because its anything but?
I have something like 4 million pounds of candy at my finger tips, but something tells me I should eat actual food.
I have been throwing around decisions in my brain lately. Like theoretically how does one get someone to understand, does sharing cause forgiveness or flight and does it matter?
Does helping mean bringing awareness or should want jump to the front and help with a hand?
Does love mean trying something new, pushing past doubts, having faith and taking risks? or is that foolish and misguided, perhaps worse does it lead to regret, mistakes.
Why do babies make things more and less complicated?
When I see my dad hold my cousin's child, nothing seems more important. I instantly scheme to make babies. When reality sets in, I realize the responsibilities are enormous. I scare easily.
What level of honestly is good?
Should I say I am sick, bored and unfaithful?
Should I announce I am beastly, evil and hateful?
Should I proclaim I am contemptuous, jealous and scared?
Should I cry I am weak, vulnerable and bare?
Should I fight, push, agitate?
cower, retreat, disintegrate?
zealously empower, all grandiose
or humbly disengage and draw close?
and what is selfish and what its adverse
and will it remain joyful when the roles are reversed?
and would you claim knowledge, if it lies in your gut
or settle for something else, because its anything but?
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I think its funny how things like loneliness, horniness and general desire for a relationship seem to sneak up so easily and then when they pounce its like there isn't much to convince you that you shouldn't feel that way.
Though the feeling doesn't last, when its there its fucking awful.
Its like being hungry or thirsty and not being about to satisfy it.
drives a person crazy.
The insecurity makes me jealous makes me lonely
The Loneliness makes me insecure makes me jealous
The jealousy makes me lonely makes me insecure
The insecurity makes me lonely makes me jealous
The jealousy makes me insecure makes me lonely
The loneliness makes me jealous makes me insecure
I just think its funny, my weeks are full of visits with friends and family, people I have met recently and people I met long ago. Yet for some reason, my head makes up these scenarios in which everyone around me is finding something more special. Its really sick and makes me feel uncomfortable (that feeling of wanting, when you already have so much, just greedy right?),
but I can't spin it right. I have been going to bed early, alone and crabby.
Yesterday someone mentioned something about how to maintain differing rates of dating people... like if you are dating more than one person (none exclusively) how do you know what you should do? Its hard for me to imagine it being so easy to even find people.
More and more lately I keep coming back to that idea am I really waiting for the right person, or am I just not willing to put forth the effort to make the right situation.
Its really hard to know what one should do when things haven't been all that successful.
I don't have the time or energy to commit to something that isn't going anywhere. I don't want to put myself or anyone else through that. I have enough pressure on existing relationships without that added stress (just the fact that I see it as stress and not a benefit).
Its all really stupid.
Though the feeling doesn't last, when its there its fucking awful.
Its like being hungry or thirsty and not being about to satisfy it.
drives a person crazy.
The insecurity makes me jealous makes me lonely
The Loneliness makes me insecure makes me jealous
The jealousy makes me lonely makes me insecure
The insecurity makes me lonely makes me jealous
The jealousy makes me insecure makes me lonely
The loneliness makes me jealous makes me insecure
I just think its funny, my weeks are full of visits with friends and family, people I have met recently and people I met long ago. Yet for some reason, my head makes up these scenarios in which everyone around me is finding something more special. Its really sick and makes me feel uncomfortable (that feeling of wanting, when you already have so much, just greedy right?),
but I can't spin it right. I have been going to bed early, alone and crabby.
Yesterday someone mentioned something about how to maintain differing rates of dating people... like if you are dating more than one person (none exclusively) how do you know what you should do? Its hard for me to imagine it being so easy to even find people.
More and more lately I keep coming back to that idea am I really waiting for the right person, or am I just not willing to put forth the effort to make the right situation.
Its really hard to know what one should do when things haven't been all that successful.
I don't have the time or energy to commit to something that isn't going anywhere. I don't want to put myself or anyone else through that. I have enough pressure on existing relationships without that added stress (just the fact that I see it as stress and not a benefit).
Its all really stupid.
Friday, January 08, 2010
Thoughts and Feelings
I went to a funeral today.
The funeral of the mother of one of my students.
I never knew the mother.
I barely know the student.
Still, there is something about a funeral that can be moving. Or rather the collective mass of grieving people can be rather moving.
Every word was in Spanish but you kind of knew what they were saying. Every prayer was catholic but you kind of knew what was needed.
The one thing I was not prepared for but was entirely in love with was the band.
Acoustic but loud they played songs to drown out those who needed to cry out, and each got louder, and each more beautiful.
Tears streamed down my face.
I wasn't embarrassed, I wanted to feel them.
But they weren't all for my student. Some were of course, but I could imagine myself in a similar situation. I imagined how much I would want to push away that comforting arm around my shoulder. I imagined standing at a casket with my brothers, trying to balance my concern for them and my own desire to release.
Even more than that surprisingly I imagined, or rather saw what my Uncle's funeral may have looked like. I had already imagined it, but these people in their black clothes and dark black hair more closely met the image of my aunt and cousin's family. Mexican and Catholic, they would have been the only ones there... and I imagined my cousin and my aunt crying like these people cried, but the others were probably dry eyed.
No bursts of sobs, and if they were they were probably in relief or comfort only.
But in front of me was the funeral a person should get. All the cries and tears warranted. All the ritual and tradition necessary.
Deserving of more, but nothing can comfort our grieving.
I have described it to my friends as that awful sort of beautiful or maybe that beautiful sort of awful.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Becky said she was in a relationship.
Its always a weird feeling, and I have been feeling it lately.
Even as she tells me she reminds me how hard it will be for me to do the same, as if I am held to a higher standard... and I know I am by everyone around me, and I like it that way because at least I will have high hopes through my loneliness.
But I understand what she means, because the sight of her causes me to pulse with a sort of defensive jealousy. My feelings of needing her around all the time have passed, but my desire to keep our relationship special hasn't. So a part of me want confirmation that I am still special (and she provides it without my asking). A part of me wants to know the relationship is worth it and that part I don't ever get the rights to.
Funnily enough though I feel the same thing with other friends.
Its not the same, but its hard to be replaced.
Me and Becky do each other the favor of ignoring it for ourselves and each other until it is too late. Then when all else fails we hope for understanding.
I understand, people are beautiful and worthy of love.
I just wish I could find that.
The funeral of the mother of one of my students.
I never knew the mother.
I barely know the student.
Still, there is something about a funeral that can be moving. Or rather the collective mass of grieving people can be rather moving.
Every word was in Spanish but you kind of knew what they were saying. Every prayer was catholic but you kind of knew what was needed.
The one thing I was not prepared for but was entirely in love with was the band.
Acoustic but loud they played songs to drown out those who needed to cry out, and each got louder, and each more beautiful.
Tears streamed down my face.
I wasn't embarrassed, I wanted to feel them.
But they weren't all for my student. Some were of course, but I could imagine myself in a similar situation. I imagined how much I would want to push away that comforting arm around my shoulder. I imagined standing at a casket with my brothers, trying to balance my concern for them and my own desire to release.
Even more than that surprisingly I imagined, or rather saw what my Uncle's funeral may have looked like. I had already imagined it, but these people in their black clothes and dark black hair more closely met the image of my aunt and cousin's family. Mexican and Catholic, they would have been the only ones there... and I imagined my cousin and my aunt crying like these people cried, but the others were probably dry eyed.
No bursts of sobs, and if they were they were probably in relief or comfort only.
But in front of me was the funeral a person should get. All the cries and tears warranted. All the ritual and tradition necessary.
Deserving of more, but nothing can comfort our grieving.
I have described it to my friends as that awful sort of beautiful or maybe that beautiful sort of awful.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Becky said she was in a relationship.
Its always a weird feeling, and I have been feeling it lately.
Even as she tells me she reminds me how hard it will be for me to do the same, as if I am held to a higher standard... and I know I am by everyone around me, and I like it that way because at least I will have high hopes through my loneliness.
But I understand what she means, because the sight of her causes me to pulse with a sort of defensive jealousy. My feelings of needing her around all the time have passed, but my desire to keep our relationship special hasn't. So a part of me want confirmation that I am still special (and she provides it without my asking). A part of me wants to know the relationship is worth it and that part I don't ever get the rights to.
Funnily enough though I feel the same thing with other friends.
Its not the same, but its hard to be replaced.
Me and Becky do each other the favor of ignoring it for ourselves and each other until it is too late. Then when all else fails we hope for understanding.
I understand, people are beautiful and worthy of love.
I just wish I could find that.
Monday, January 04, 2010
There is a peculiar loneliness that happens sometimes when you hear about others. Its that "I'm alone and everyone else is finding their special someone" loneliness.
I got that right now... but whats funny is I know way more people who are single than in relationships right now, but that doesn't change the feeling.
Also I am super exhausted even though I took a nap and I am hungry but nothing sounds good... and that sucks.
Registration for school tomorrow which means I will get to see the kiddies... which is a weird feeling, often a great mixture of excited and "Oh shit I have to teach again- fuck run away!."
I already feel overwhelmed just thinking about my viewing and reading list. I have a stack of books and movies for school- and each stack seems impossible.
I got that right now... but whats funny is I know way more people who are single than in relationships right now, but that doesn't change the feeling.
Also I am super exhausted even though I took a nap and I am hungry but nothing sounds good... and that sucks.
Registration for school tomorrow which means I will get to see the kiddies... which is a weird feeling, often a great mixture of excited and "Oh shit I have to teach again- fuck run away!."
I already feel overwhelmed just thinking about my viewing and reading list. I have a stack of books and movies for school- and each stack seems impossible.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
imagination cruellty
I'm convincing myself I am in love with a girl i have never met, no not Natalie Portman, but that could happen too.
This girl occasionally lives in the cities.
But I think its her voice I am falling for...
and that sucks because she could tell me awful things, and be a horrible person and I would be so silly for her.
Lord I'm a true vine
This girl occasionally lives in the cities.
But I think its her voice I am falling for...
and that sucks because she could tell me awful things, and be a horrible person and I would be so silly for her.
Lord I'm a true vine
Friday, January 01, 2010
Everyone put on your jammies NOW
all of a sudden I want to make out with someone
Part of me wants to go to bed, but I know my roomies will come home at some point and at the off chance that I will miss something I don't want to be unavailable.
Part of me wants to go to bed, but I know my roomies will come home at some point and at the off chance that I will miss something I don't want to be unavailable.
