Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

You ever wake up already feeling drained and and and lonely?
as if you didnt go to bed alone, but you woke up so alone. So aware that you are the only one to handle your load... and its not that you necessarily feel left out, or unappreciated or unsupported... no i actually woke up and got a nice reassuring e mail from a prof, but this feeling makes me wonder what my purpose is -or what i want it to be.... makes me wonder why the things i did put time and energy in to never paid off, or why that shouldnt matter. it does matter... does it?

my room is cold, and i wish i had someone i loved in my bed, the thought had occured that i have met my fill of possible dating canidates, and im quite aware that i will find no more on this campus... i mean even if i did like someone -i wouldnt date them.
but mainly i havent been in any position where dating, or a specific person seemed to be where im at, or where im going. and thus friends friends friends and i really enjoy all these people. but they are not bed fillers, they are not warmth when you wake and need reassurance.

I've gotten to the point where Im not sure i can blame others for their decisions on these sorts of issues, but im so much more aware that I shouldnt take bullshit for my decisions, they have left me in a relatively healthy position, comfortable, supported to some degree, and even my obsessiveness over relationships long past doesnt seem so bad when compared to decisions i could have made.

lonely but alright, sad but ok, maybe after this summer, or when I get a job, or whenever -i can start to think about those kinds of decisions again, when im secure or secure enough.