I guess.... ryan's?



I updated some links and stuff.... took out a lot of the music...

these are pictures from the reunion... in the actual order..

the highlights of the night were
A) allison busting herself out at perkins...
B) seeing cats and being reminded that its all good
and
C) the moment I saw elizabeth... even if she was a little excitable and probably will never call me. There arent many times in my life that upon seeing someone... i want to grab them and run away... but when I do have that feeling - I like to remember it.

Well.... I have several half finished poems from the last few days... mostly positive little tidbits nothing too fascinating... I think I have now found the time to relax I was craving... been running around town looking for fun shit to do... so yesterday becky and I played tourist... and were shuttled on the light rail up and down the minneapple to the mall where I got pretzels... and back to the car where i got dropped off.

I recently realized that though my schedule is full to bursting with homies... i dont really have much going on till student teaching... i spose i gotta get gifts for the other x mas... but thats to come...
plans for new years still in the works... maybe a movie that will possible take us through the hour of our demise?
wouldnt that be a funny way to end it all? chillin watching a movie.

goals for the next stretch
Im hoping to keep my friendships alive, do some painting, and perhaps spend some time editing... oh and student teaching and applying to jobs and shit... that too i spose.

I still havent put together my art desk thing...
my rents are fluish.
i better leave the house or i will be overcome.

tonight its yuppying.
what about you?

I’m a total jerk lately. I don’t mean to be, I just have an increasingly hard time of holding back my frustration when I haven’t had time to sit alone and reflect. Or perhaps it’s the lack of people to confide in, or the ability to, but knowing they aren’t the right person. Maybe its impending doom, or impending change. Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t know my place here, or don’t have a place here… anymore.
My friends come home for the holidays, and spend their time at sports bars, but there is only so much bowling and darts one can take without a real conversation. And what is a real conversation when time and place and direction are all different. Are we playing friends, or are we friends estranged? Movies and coffee shops, and dinners and lunches… pretending it’s like the old times, but we don’t have a dorm lounge to lounge in, and we don’t have Pete’s basement. I spend my time wanting to escape into the arms of someone familiar, someone comfortable, but I don’t have one of those relationships right now.
Each night I plan to watch a movie, paint or draw, read a book, play some computer games… whatever it takes to get this weight off my shoulders that makes me hunch, that are forever crunched together… but I cant seem to relax, and I fall asleep from exhaustion and worry about the next day… perhaps momentarily comfortable… but knowing a big day will come tomorrow…
And each day I wake as stressed as I had been, because I wake worried I had missed something, or someone… because I wake too early, or too late… and sleep isn’t my friend right now… it’s too hard, too jagged to keep me longing for my bed, and yet… I’m so exhausted.
My mom says I’m an introvert, and I tell her its cuz I haven’t been alone in 6 days… and the foreseeable future doesn’t include real relaxation for at least a week… and Steve bursts into my room, asking me to go shopping with him “It’s just an hour, you got nothing better to do.” And I say “Steve, No.”

I need my own place… but I need it to be in a building where all my friends are the neighbors.
College kids… enjoy your time.

Those are some kids I hang with....
fucking freaks. hehehe
It’s really hard to do busy work when u have already finished your finals and shit...

tomorrow is painting day... and drinking day I think-the last drinking day.... I hope I don’t throw up.


my room is half packed and half waiting to be packed = fucking mess


Kellogg’s corn pops have done me real good this last week.


I obviously don’t have anything real to say... just sort of scrambling for substance to avoid the homeworks...

******and now i will devolve into a 14 year old shallow obsessive son of a monkey******

Lately I have been feeling really bad about the way I look... and contemplating bad things. I know a lot of this has to do with shaving.... I think it makes my face look fatter when I don’t have facial hair to elongate it (spelling?) Makes me wish I had had braces to fix my overbite to fix my jaw, so that my jaw line is more defined...
but I also know I was complaining about this before I shaved... so maybe I’m just being very critical lately...

It really bothers me how I have such different standards for myself than others.... for instance I tend to be more worried about skinny girls than attracted to them... and skinny boys are equally sort of offturning... but somehow when i was very young I got it into my head that that’s what I should look like.... so when I look at people like Jared and huck (second picture) who are both above 6 feet and weigh less than me... I tend to be very self conscious... I don’t think most people notice... even wearing t shirts...ughhh I get to complain about this because it’s my blog by the way... so u can’t complain.

I usually don’t even notice the features that I criticize in myself in others... I realized that a few days ago... I don’t look at them and see the things I see in the mirror... so I imagine they don’t see me that way.... but it saddens me greatly to think that any of them would feel like I do about myself...because I’m constantly sort of adoring them..(one of like three reasons for all the pictures)...
now one could say these things do not matter and I do... I constantly say they do not matter... but I was thinking that I wouldn’t "dress up" for interviews and do the whole suit and tie thing... but then I saw all the boys I would be up against, dresses sharp in their fancy black suits and thought about how I would look in comparison... and well.... I don’t know if I will get these jobs without a suit, a haircut, a workout routine.
and that depresses me greatly.

Oh world... you sure do have a way of beating down those who dig you.
****
on a happy sad note....
tonight it hit me that I wouldn’t be here much longer, and I was overwhelmed with that sense of loss... and I’m glad because that’s important, and I really loved college, at least the social aspect.


****
On a sidenote the person I was thinking of the other day wrote me... and that made me happy... I dont know if she read this and knew... but either way that sort of made my day.

BFF's tape song.... is maybe the best song on the album.... i love them, but im not sure this cd captures their energy the way a lot of the myspace stuff does.

Its frustrating to miss people who you dont feel like you can just randomly say hi to.
Wondering about their lives, wanting to reminisce. And wondering if they will ever say "hi I will be in town, can we get coffee, can we not have it be awkward, can we smile again, and say im glad you are happy?" and if it were said I would say i would do everything in my power and my heart would feel just the slightest bit better, and on certain nights I could be even more nostalgic than i am now... and the cycle would continue... only it would be sort of nice.

and maybe we would get together, and forgive eachother, but move on realizing that maybe we werent the people we knew then... but I'm guessing even if that happened, I'd be smiling just to hear a joke or a song or a story, cuz some people are just really good at entertaining.

On a final note, before I start my standard writing...

Last Call Desperation is certainly a beautiful phenomenon

People love drunk and sensing momentary lost, suddenly overwhelmed, proclaim all feelings unpronounced, or announced but not enough… not to explain this eruption in our hearts, this pounding in our heads, and all “seemingly exaggerated” when sobered up by “reality” or “rationalized” thought, but for that moment… unadulterated flooding, and I feel like maybe the heaven we speak of might feel like that… constant sense of the exhilaration of loving (minus the anxiety of not knowing whether they will always be there).


_______________________________________________________________

I say “seemingly exaggerated” and “reality” and “rationalized”
Because one could mistake these feelings as being untrue… but I don’t think they are… I think they are the purest… the ones we won’t let out any other time then at the moment of desperation… and yes that seems silly, and it is… but its human… and I think our most human side comes out there… vulnerable and loving. The rest is when we are trying to protect our human side… because we constantly tell ourselves it’s not ok to always be drunk on beauty –at least not in puritan America… how would we get anything done?

On changing things you have always been....

Someone wrote something about whether they should try changing the way they have always been.... I’m not always sure it’s possible, though I constantly try to push certain friends in that direction...
and I?
Well some have tried... I think the majority of my little personality traits come from when I was young, exceptions being things like personal space... but the food/germs thing is old... the wanting to help people is old, the talking so much is old...

The secrets are the big thing... those are the ones I struggle with... because I feel so guilty about them. Becky confronted me pretty recently trying to tell me that I am more liked than I admit and things, but I keep a pretty strong distinction between those I think would still love me and those who I would never tell.
Which (right or wrong) often leaves me feeling like I really don’t have as many people to rely on as others might assume I do.

When confronted by those people who love me, have accepted (for better or worse that I am the way I am).... and they asked why I don’t change... I always pointed to it being a lifelong thing... and it always has been... so I'm not really sure what the alternative is... or who I would be...?

and in the meantime I learn to love the positives, of always feeling different... or always being weird, whether I act on it or not, hide or thrive in it, I am him (whoever he is) and the connections -oh for love of life... connections in weirdness, connections in humility, connections in fear and vulnerability, connections in loving love, connections in creating, caring, worrying.

And on that note:

I was thinking in the shower, that I should thank Morris for the wealth of connections... thank the women of Morris in particular... who offer up such beautiful variety that one is rarely left not thinking of someone. Probably on average a new friend every other week... a new smile, a new background, personality, set of reasons to be excited....
if I am a vampire, I have fed well... if I am human I have seen the presence of God so often I feel as if some angel has given me their wings...
And I understand the pain of that devil... for who could ever want to be disconnected/replaced from this heaven,
Who could not want to protect that goodness?

And in my heart I know it’s not a place, or group of people, but people themselves...
But still can’t I be a little happy to have found a nice place?
If I walk away overwhelmed with loving feelings... cant I try to piece together some awfully ridiculous thank you?

Thank you
-to everyone I have met here (those still and those departed)
you have made it wonderful.

A poem for class. (this will be on the poetry page too)

This poem is about a character from the book No-No Boy, which is about a number of Japanese people who lived through WWII and struggled with their identities, values, culture etc and the aftermath of the war, internment, etc.

This is not about the main character, I wrote a poem thats even worse than this one to include him... but this is about one of the more positive characters in the book....a friend named Kenji who became a soldier and was hurt... he ends up dying in the book, but tries to help the main character choose a more healthy/hopeful life...

anyway...

Kenji

-In Germany I served to make a better world for us all.
Killed a man and earned a car.
Lost a leg, and earned a star.
Still I’m forced to look around and wonder where we are…
-Taught by American Teachers, pool halls, radios and drinking
-Years interned in the desert, left us wondering what they were thinking.
And so we signed up, marched to war to prove that we were worthy-
Of the freedoms guaranteed to us
-but stolen undeservedly.

-My Father worked to pay the bills, struggled raising a large family.
-And when at last they let us go, he started over smiling candidly.
I lost my soul that day that man fell bleeding from the roof top.
And hope that one day we see people as people so that eventually the hate stops.
And though dying, I dreamily envision
that America could be a place where people melt together.
But until then I say do what you can-
And if they steal another inch in hopes to stop the rotting…

Smile for another day - and pedal to the metal
Keep on hopping.

I received a really nice letter in the mail today. I tried to explain what it meant to me, but couldnt find the right words. I know the person reads this, but thats not why I'm writing. Im writing because what it meant to me, was justification for all the times I smiled and felt all warm, felt connection, felt appreciated, felt wonderful.
Im not sure what I can do about that, what I could change, or make better. And those things will always sadden me, but positive justification for a thousand small moments and memories is a super awesome gift when someone isnt expecting it.
and thats something I want to write down and remember.

Me and Steve spent the night listening to the chili peppers while we should have been working...
scattered AIM conversation, comments, videos, descriptions of the best songs..
good times

would rather be doing anything than writing standards right now.... so want to fail out... and be a starving artist... i dont care if i suck... someone will buy something... and i use cheap paint.

did i mention im having a hard time doing my homework... its 1:20 am i have till noon.... and then i drive home... i hope to get some sleep.

My room seems really messy though I have been cleaning for a half an hour... Packing away my life here to make the move home a little easier. Weird to pack up your life again... again, because i did this once... i dont remember it being so hard.

I keep finding singles on my desk... and assuming that I havent been taking drugs blacking out and living some sort of double life as a stripper and student... i guess i just forget that i throw money on my desk a lot... the thing is... when i see money on my desk the normal first thought should be something like "oh i forgot i put that there." but my first thought is "i wonder if someone is sneaking in to my room leaving me money...." followed by... "does someone owe me money?"
and since i have no idea...
i pocket the cash and assume that the next time i need it, my magical dollar making desk will provide.

listening to a random mason jennings song... and I hate that i secretly love him. And I hate that I wouldnt ever buy a mason jennings cd... but if someone let me copy them oh i would oh i would... there is so much music i want right now...

charlie parr that man is amazing

"I’m falling in love with beautiful facesTastes, of relationshipsDimples when cheeks raise,-Crazed, with the possibilities"


I gotta stop doing this when im running away... but i crave...
im a user... its good they want nothing but the friendship...

fortune smiles my way:

* Time is the wisest counselor.
* Your relationship could be under stress, sit back and wait.
* Put your mind into planning today. Look into the future.
* Friend long absent are coming back to you.
* Your emotional nature is strong and sensitive.
* Now is a great time to broaden your scope of influence.
* Your talents will be recognized and suitable rewarded.
* The mysterious side of your nature makes on most alluring.
* Good news will come to you from far away.
* Life to you is a dashing and bold adventure.
* Your charm had not gone unnoticed by the angel.
* Luck is coming your way.
* Today, taking a supportive role might benefit the group dynamic.
* You are very expressive and positive in words, ct and feeling.
* Good health will be yours for a long time.
* You have the ability to sense and know higher truth.
* No one is standing in your way anymore, it is time to move forward.
* What’s vice today may be virtue tomorrow.
*You have a deep appreciation of music and arts.
* You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
*Simplicity and clarity should be your theme in dress.
*The star of riches is shining upon you.
*You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
*An angry man opens his mouth and shuts his eyes.
*You will make change for the better.
*Travels from nesting space will take you to a broader cultural horizon.
*Your dearest wish will come true.
*A financial investment will yield returns beyond your hopes.
*You will always get what you want through your charm and personality.
*Executive ability is prominent in your make up.
*Keep your feet on the ground even though friends flatter you.
*Good health will be yours for a long time.
*There is a prospect for a thrilling time ahead for you.
*Your present plans are going to succeed.
*Beauty in its various forms appeals to you.
*Good beginning is half done.
*You will be showered with good luck.

me in the art shots
Ina and her foot
Jenna went all crazy on us
Laurel and gigantic food pictures
Jared was a ghost

Bokonism
me and ina
ina working studiously a long time ago
laurel is a fashion model
ahhhhhhh

happy family
laurel all alone
the bigger picture
how happy!!
Ina cracking up

You cant see this very well because of the flash, but it is a poster for disability awareness month... I just thought it was cool looking.

Been doing a lot of painting myself... this week we have had a pink elephant, some little blue men fighting a monster, a woman and child, a bunch of peace signs, a crazy one, and maybe a couple others... or maybe that was last week.

We went to perkins... pictures will be next...
not of perkins... but yesterday.

Just havent known what to write. Lately my days consist of maybe having classes and doing homework and playing scrabulous... my nights socializing and painting, and maybe doing homework... not much in between... last week I found out a friend of mine was pregnant.
um but not much.

I dont feel like a student in college anymore with all this free time.
It also just recently hit me again what laurel had said a week or two ago about all these kids, and how its only their sophmore or freshmen year.... and where they are at, and where we are at... im like a big brother type, and it is not ok that i am so desperate for attention right now... they need the support and energy.

"small my table, sits just two
got so crowded I cant make room
oh where did they come from
stormed my room
and you dare say it belongs to you,
this is not for you!"

I dont have any pictures that would capture the insanity of last night. It wasnt the drunkenness... (i was sober) it was the crazy company... and the obsession with shaking things out.
I have videos of Ina drunkenly singing songs... missed out on Huck's beautiful performances... i do have about 60 pictures of cass cuz we were having a photo war...
um i dunno what to say. its a snow storm today... to white out the land and give you a fresh start despite your past.

Taking 5 minutes out from standard writing (1/3 done)
to write about dreams again...

Now some might say that dream was fairly weird, but I really enjoyed it... and this is one of the problems, especially in winter, or when im depressed... I love my dreams so much that some times I dont want to leave them... sure that dream was a little chaotic a little scary... but like I said it made me feel alive... it made me feel passionate. the adventure, the love, the fear, all wound together... and even when i wake up scared, confused, crying... well at least it meant something...
today I woke up and couldnt remember anything... this is the norm, and it is so disappointing. My dreams tell me so much about myself... tell me so much about what is going on in my life, or sometimes what i should expect... of course I want to remember, or course I want to go back to sleep.

Ysterday I told at least two people that sometimes you have to make others aware of your wants and needs, your perspective in order for them to understand what role they should take... in order for them to relate and agree... because they probably would...
But i seem to have trouble following my own advice...

my mom called and woke me up actually... which is sad cuz its like 2:15 but thats sort of nice.... i have been hitting snooze since about 10:00.... then finally decided to just stop the alarm all together and wake when i wake... my mom called... i was out of it.. she brought up thanksgiving, and shared her side... wanted to know what she could do to make it better... i left her hanging on the phone... i dont know why.. i just didnt want to talk about it.

Nothing dramatic happened on thanksgiving, though from my point of view i was acting pretty dramatic...

becky wrote an e mail and said she didnt know what i meant when i said i was a little off my head... nothing dramatic happened during break, though from my point of view i was acting pretty dramatic...

I guess I forget that I am good at staying calm on the outside.
In Europe I would often tell people I was really anxious or uncomfortable (this is when i was 18) and they would say "but you were the calmest person there... you seemed mature and wise... you seemed like a 25 year old" and it amazed me...
now im fairly used to that shit, because i am almost 25 and im not very energetic all the time... but its funny to me that people don't understand what is going through my head when im a case.

I just had the weirdest set of dreams.
at first it was like a video game... and so the deaths and things werent really all that frightening... later it became an epic quest... the future... a water world of some kind, and I had been sent from the past... or woken up there... and people were trying to lead me to some book (the term "people" is a little loose... these were like sea monster-tentacle things) it was like a movie, an epic movie...
later we were in a car... there was some sort of mother-father figure... and then a number of us in a packed station wagon... something relating to my childhood, with a hint of fantasy... the movie i had become part of... I ate the chicken mcnuggets... they were alive and didnt deserve that. They blamed it on the father... who later robbed the walmart with the mother while the rest of us sat in the car..
the little girl had her period, she seemed too young, and when i talked to her older sisters they said they would make sure she was alright, and I told the middle one I loved her, and I meant it, and i wasnt sure whether it was a sad or joyous occasion.
the mother got shot, so did the eldest daughter, the father had shot several people... who looked oppressed rather than hurt, as if this had happened so many times that they just accepted the death, and each new rebellion when put down... became a sort of cue that things would never change... despair not dramatic, resigning to despair...
the mother was unstable, rather than removing the bullet from her daughter she locked her away in a separate compartment... for some reason i was in there, but i had to find a way to break the glass before the water rose to kill us. When we were free I had to chain the mother, she was beautiful... she was young she looked like the middle daughter... she was not the older heavier set woman of before.
She had that look in her eye of dangerous seduction. her hands were tied, a chain around her neck, and she was trying to seduce me, and i wasnt capable of turning her down, and i hated her for it... i hated her for being violent to her daughters, for her secret desires to kill me, her intentions... so out of her control... i hated that she couldnt control it... like passively she watched as she destroyed everything around her, but she was still beautiful... and i wanted to kiss her, and slap her.. and I did.
she kept trying to stab me with whatever she could get a hold of... i became the object of both her hatred and desire... and it was scary, but it felt the most like life to me... the closest I had ever been to really living, with this dangerous animal goddess on a leash in a small car, her daughters freightened in the corner pleading not to let her loose... and then we got to the facility, and she became a small child again, dancing and picking flowers and talking about breakfast and simple beauty... and she was so innocent, that I kept my distance, we read in the paper, of the destruction of the fair city, all her doing... and we were sort of proud to have been there.. sort of excited by the adventure we had had... and now she was safe... and I came to the conclusion that I make people who are not stable more unstable... and should avoid them at all cost... and it made me cry or want to cry... because it meant denying ever having that feeling of truly living again. and where else could I find that passionate love?



And you deny I'm a case...

Do you ever feel tapped out?
I dont mean stressed or exhausted, I mean like... do you ever feel like you have sort of exhausted your immediate options for being a better more exciting person?

I dont mean that in any sort of egotistical way, like "damn im so cool, i couldnt get any better."
I mean in the sort of way like.... well I think i have sort of pursued most of my interests... and its now just the little changes, the constant, the practice... the slow growth.... thats how the trees get big, thats how the sages get wise, but its not the big fix im used to.

I use to just hop a plane, or get in my car and explore.
I use to try new instruments, new software, new writing styles, new art supplies... and I could do all that... but it wouldnt be new anymore.

Im sure there are more things out there that are appealing to me... that i will try soon enough... but right now i feel a little tapped out for the easy fixes..
and i got all my homework (well... the stuff im aware of ) done in like 40 minutes and alotted like 2 hours for it. and I was playin scrabulous while i was doing it.
shit
i think i might just mean im bored... and havent brushed my teeth yet.

thirty ideas for poems and no time and no intelligence or memory to figure them out...
I started writing a song on dan's guitar and planned a beat in the hall on my hands... and then we ran to old no fun for food.

So...


My mom always wants to set me up with nice girls. Usually insanely smart, seemingly perfect, nice sweet girls... and she recently said she found another one and wanted to know if I wanted her number and even more... she suggested she could break their professional bond so that I could date her... ughh.... what a weirdo...
So im home over break and she shows me the girls picture, and yeah thats fine, but she seems genuinely disappointed when I dont ask for a number... and I wonder if my mom doesnt know anything about my life... as if one new random woman is what I have been missing this whole time.. as if the reason I am single is because I havent happened upon a single girl since my last relationship, as if any random good person would be what im looking for.
as if i hadnt met a hundred thousand. and I was thinking about how screwed up this is, last night while trying to write becky an e mail... that didnt quite work out, so i sent her a story instead...
She is going through a process, a time in her life where she is happy to meet new people, to explore, to be out there adventuring... and each person gives her something and she moves on, and thats good for people to go through at some point... its not a heartbreaking move, its a move of indepencence and confidence... part of my trouble is... i get that from friendships... but I was thinking how "unfair" (in that poor me kind of way) that the few people I have chosen to date havent been in that same place.... hadnt gone through that phase... and so i get really confused by my feelings for these women... because to me they were the ones I chose... not regretted, not a notch on the belt, not a step up to somewhere better... not settling, but choosing, exhaulting, adoring, loving... and so when I hear of their other relationships... and notice I am not that to them... its sort of a blow. It also makes me really insecure because I feel these other gentlemen must have something I dont, must be "beyond" me in some way, more mature, more stable, more exciting, more intelligent etc... and though we all know that somewhere out there is that person.... I get these swings of jealousy because i seem to be so easily replaced... and its that desire to be special which makes me so weird right now... that and not much more... its a good check on my ego... mike you arent the best teacher, you are one of many and thats not a bad thing, you arent the best friend, you are one of many and thats good, you arent the best lover, you are one of many and thats good, you arent the best boy friend, nor the partner they were looking for... its ok.
Its ok. accept the change. accept the experiences, dont want, dont drive yourself insane with questions of how to improve, or pity, just deal with it... have faith.

still if you ask why im depressed, or sick, or tired, or weird... its cuz my ego has been checked... and Im questioning where I should go with all this information. Its a contemplation that I'm not sure others could help me with, but Im writing which means im coming to some conclusions.... the other reason I dont necessarily want or know how to talk about it is because its not the top priority really... i have been really enjoying the people I have been around.... even if im a little withdrawn... so thanks for being there... sharing your time and energy... I'm aight... I'm just going through healthy adjustment, without a lot of input from others to guide me.

Thus i will ask you what you want to do... because Im not really sure, and i like to hear your thoughts.

(This note has been to me, but also laurel and a few others who have asked lately... u make me smile... thanks)

All my old crushes look so beautiful on facebook... they look happy. Most of them are in relationships, some are even married... some should be soon (i mean if they believe in the concept)

Im really not good at moving on.

Sleek and Stylish (why I dont like yuppie bars in uptown)

Me and Chris sat outside Figlio's in Calhoun Square, neither of us were prepared for this, it had been sprung on us while we were looking for something to do, and are other options were things like driving around the lake again, or looking at cds we couldnt afford. So we sat there waiting for the kids we were supposed to meet up with... two of them knew we were coming, but the others didnt, and the two were late and didnt seem to be in a rush... so we sat outside on a bench each holding our bladders. Chris remarked about his anxiety, and from there I couldnt shut up about the idea of these places. Yuppie bars where no one is comfortable and you cant hear and blah blah blah.
The crew who wasnt expecting us suddenly walked out of Figlio's with the intention to head up stairs to the independent a place i hate even more, because its the same only more trendy and in red. at least the line is inside so its warm.
The girls I recognized, but I honestly couldnt have given you any names had I not heard them in passing from other people. They are all younger than me, I know that, and I have hung out with them many times, though each time they were drunk and seemed to not have a clue, but it was a basement or a garage and everyone was drunk so it didnt seem out of place... still I had never really had any reason to talk to them, and didnt still... but I'm a polite social guy -so why not hang with these almost strangers right? there were 4 of them, I still dont know who the one was, and walshie, one of the notorious family that everyone knows but me... and I'd seen him before too... but had we had a conversation? probably not, he was probably drunk or high or something... I have no idea how old he is... and even now his face is fading from my memory. No Jared the one kid I knew and had at least talked to many a time. and of course morgan and nick were still on there way....
small talk during cigarettes outside, mn smoking ban, means drunk or not -you are outside in the street smoking amongst the beggers. And walshie gets into a conversation with a man who tells him that he killed a man the night before... and he seems to have the scars and blood to prove it... and I get in a conversation with one of the girls, and it seems for the first time in 4-5 years she is a real person to me. She goes to college, she has dreams, she has a plan for her life... and then we go inside... and at that point I still couldnt remember her name.
The others meet us -having seen the line at independent and throw around ideas for a different bar. Stella's, Bar Abilene, Drink, (these are the trendy ones) and I think about how simple it is at morris...
you want beer you go to a bar... it really doesnt matter which, they are all roughly the same price, atmosphere? well there is no trendy, but the college thing is the met... the old number one is laid back, and for a little bit of class hit up bello.. for old, or towny hit up the legion or the eagles... and since they are all within a block or two... you might as well take tour.
but back to uptown.... we walk past uptown express the place where I would hang, we cross the street and notice the line at stella's and since someone already announced that stella's fish cafe makes you smell like fish, it was crossed off the list...
Bar abilene... seems promising at first, past the lagoon theater where chris had earlier remarked the liberal movies are shown, and I look in, to see people I would much rather hang out with, though I dont know them... but they seem promising...
abilene, is a place i have been before, but though i enjoyed the company that time, i didnt quite understand or appreciate the experience. It was loud, it was crowded it was shite... and we were headed towards it again.
The line was long, it was cold, we stood there for 5 minutes and headed to Drink, where I passed the lagoon theater again, and Corina Bernstein who looked trendy and was followed by her jazz guitar playing boyfriend, and though they didnt recognize me, I yelled at them... sort of happy to see something at least semi familiar.
Drink has a slogan that says "when you think patio, think drink" which is the dumbest thing in the world if you are in MN and it is 25 degrees out... and it was... but upon entrance you wouldnt know that. The greeter at the door sells beer from a bucket and has more cleavage than you have ever seen in a mn winter... this is how they welcome you, they say "hi this is where the sexy is." but unfortunately there are no lights in Drink and the music is loud and obnoxious and everyone is standing, and there doesnt seem to be a lot of talking though there is some yelling... and not a lot of dancing, but movement of people walking back and forth looking for a better time... beer and drinks are 5 bucks... and the ones on the menu sound tasty... but im not here to drink (at drink)...

we sit down in a booth... chris is uncomfortable but is more uncomfortable saying he wants to leave... Chris generally fits into these situations but he doesnt know that. Anxiety wise, he is probably screaming, but from the outside he looks fairly normal... he says he stares at people, but no more than anyone else... and me... well my jaw is dropped by the ridiculousness of the situation... Chris is wearing a light colored sweater and jeans that although a little worn, could pass as the trendy kind of worn... his hair is relatively short, and though he says he hasnt shaved... hes fairly clean... the girls are wearing various forms of trendiness... not quite scandalous like many of the other women, but not quite mn winter either... they must be freezing, they are done up but not over done... and thats nice... but there is still a whiff of that pretentiousness me and chris were remarking about when we first sat down outside of Figlios.

They are nice girls, dont get me wrong... they are very welcoming... and had the circumstances been better I would have had plentl of conversation with them... but this is not a place for conversation.... walsh seems to be wearing a sweater vest or something and maybe a jacket...
the other men at this place are in various forms of done up.... most wear smooth button down black shirts... slacks or form fitting jeans.. they are not metro-sleek ...more masculine sleek... they have short hair and have shaved... they have looks of confidence, though each seems to be searching for something... and probably that something is some sort of woman.
the women are all wearing unique outfits... there is no copying, there is no weather permitting... not a jacket in sight and if there was, it would doubtless be some sort of sleek leather not warm fashion statement... feathers or something.
make up and straightened hair. check your personal expression and personality at the door... no one can hear you anyway. there is one guy dancing and he is dancing alone, probably drunk and probably just to keep his mind off the boredom...
I dont fit in, I dont care because I dislike the idea of the place...
Im wearing black tennis shoes that I have been wearing since the beginning of last summer... Two socks that dont match and dont fit. one pair of khakis that i have been wearing for two weeks, one pair of pjs underneath that keep me from freezing from the wind. One t shirt -gambit of the x men, black, bought in the 7th grade, one sweatshirt, warm dark blue, purchased sometime in highschool worn-tattered, the sweatshirt i wore for 4 months on my first backpacking trip to europe when i was 18. one jacket, big bulky and warm, probably a ladies winter coat, probably too ugly for me to be wearing (according to some) but I got it free and I like it... plenty of pocket space...which i am using with a pocket full of mints, 2 gloves a hat and a stick of deoderant. my camera is attached to my pants and sticks out from my right side. my facial hair is unkempt cuz im not working no more and I thought it would give my parents something to scold me about over thanksgiving and a reason for me to perceive them as shallow. (which makes me shallow) my hair is long in comparison, greasy, not straight, the 7-8 month growth from a hacked together mohawk and it pleases me to know that. I have 8 earrings, and one eye brow ring... I wear normal looking glasses. Everyone in the bar is wearing contacts or something trendy.
I ask Chris how long he wants to stay with hand gestures and he says he would leave as quick as possible and he doesnt look uncomfortable but the quickness of his answer tells me he is... I dont know an easy way to get out.... so I just wave good bye... and its rude... and they ask why... and I tell them chris has an early bed time and laugh at the idea of this situation...
Chris is uncomfortable with our exit... I couldnt care less..
We call morgan and nick and they say they arent going near that place... and will wait till everyone is done or go to a different bar...
This whole thing makes me long for the days we hung out in basements and listened to rap or phish, or dmb and though people were drunk and stupid... at least we could talk and be together...
But i wonder if the high price, high status of these places is really just the price people are willing to pay to people watch and feel a part of something... and we head out...
and i worry about my future.

I will hopefully be not as negative in these at some point... but uh...

its cold, i think im sick. Im not really sure whats been wrong with me the past few days... around my family im suddenly miserable. around my friends i feel too vulnerable.
my mom has a painting i did sitting on the desk in front of me... i like the colors, but a close look and its terrible.

Updates.... I took the praxis last week and it went well I think. There is really no way to know until roughly the end of December. I finished my practicum experience, for the most part. I have to drop some stuff off on monday... but other than that Im home free with that. I spose I have to write a unit plan.
A unit plan is all the crap I did, all the things i would have done, all the changes i need to make etc. It will take me quite a while tomorrow night I think, but its not exactly hard work, more just time consuming.
a lot of cut and paste of objectives and standards.
In the future, i will probably try to be more descriptive about the things I am actually doing, in that way, some of you could actually understand.
Its illy's b day today. Im not sure what she will be doing, because we celebrated by going to a concert last night. My friends are funny, but I worry about them. I have a huge headache, I think from all the smoke, and lack of water lately...
We saw Buck 65, and it was a really good show, though we missed cecil otter opening... I cant say I was entirely entranced in the concert, I sort of have this habit of thinking about other people when I go to concerts with them... especially when they are not near me. They slip into the crowd, and me with my big bulky jacket, sit back and watch as they leave again.
Anyway, its also sort of my last day here. Its hard being at morris when half my life is here... and when i return home sometimes i just want to stay, and other times im thinking/worrying about what is happening at morris, so im excited to get back. I was telling eagan that I find the weekend home thing really stressful... I never accomplish what I need to, and never feel like i have enough time, when Im at morris I miss stuff here, when Im here I miss stuff at morris. Since I live there, its easier just to stay and not deal with the stress.... but often times I dont realize how much i miss my friends until i'm talking to them, and then it hits me really hard how much I dont want to leave.

The return of becky, has really thrown me out of my normal orientation. I dont know what to think about it... in some world -im sure it would be possible not to think the way I do...
I was explaining to her how I have two different conversations going on every time Im with her, one with her, and another with myself trying to figure out what and why im feeling things.

I have been really trained to feel bad about this stuff...
Im pretty sure it will lead to me feeling hurt again...

Its interesting to see how different she is at times, so much more than what I knew, and that makes it harder, because she seems to be reaching out for whatever potential she has... and I dont really feel that way about myself right now.
I sort of feel stuck, and its a stuck Im ok with most of the time...


when becky talks about leaving, a good part of me wants to beg her to take me with her... its the whole path thing.... its, what if my loves split up and leave.... what will that leave me with?

and meetin these lovely youngins at school reminds me that I can make good friendships where ever I go... but they dont love me like that, have never promised me anything.... are exploring their own lives.... and what am I?

I follow this dream I had each night of teaching.... and end up in school somewhere I dont know, and with people I dont know, and with every person I care about, across town, across state, across country, across oceans...
They pursue their path, I pursue mine, but I always thought mine included them.... and its hard to find out it might not.

I feel guilt a lot, for caring for people and not being able to tell them, and further - for some reason I feel guilt that I love them and they dont love me.
that shouldnt make me feel guilty but it does.

anyway.



Im gonna go eat lunch with my fam.... and try to make it seem like im feeling normal.

MORE EVALUATIONS!!

Thanks to everyone who has helped me with this, your support and understanding, and questioning has been great... I am posting these here, because I think it is important for me to remember and question...
If you are not interested...just to let you know, there are a couple of interesting ones in the last class...

4th class, student evaluations (12th grade)

Did I present information clearly enough, in a way that you could understand?
-yes- all opinions though?
-yes –sometimes express directions more clearly
-I am not going to say yes or no based on what others have said.
-yes and no, should try to be more interesting and talk louder
-it depended on what you were explaining, we had to keep asking questions.
-explain more on a high school level
-I liked the discussions

Was my attitude while teaching respectful in nature and did I make you feel comfortable in the classroom?
-yes – more enthusiasm get the students to warm up a bit more.

Did my teaching help you feel more or less involved/comfortable in the classroom?
More or less-either?
-more hands on
-no more or less than any other class I have.

Do you feel you gained an understanding of the first amendment?
-yes- gain more student involvement may help the students learn.
-yes- it helped.
-the discussion helped me be involved
Any general suggestions or comments to help me improve and be a better teacher?
-More class discussion
-be more organized
-just be more enthusiastic with a target to the students as a high schooler’s they don’t really like being treated like really good college students. It’s what frustrates them the most.
-try to keep your lectures and things more interesting, talk louder, control the class more.
-lectures got long and lost interest, interacting w/ us and letting us talk and discuss is good. When we have activities helps us stay interested.
-more games
-cut your hair –respect issue, look more professional





5th class, student evaluations (9th grade)

Did I present information clearly enough, in a way you could understand?
-I thought that you did a good job, but I wish you would have had more group things instead of speaking to us the whole time. I feel I didn’t understand a lot of the stuff you were saying.
-it was good, the power point
-explain more
-don’t get off task


Did I help you feel involved in the classroom or in your community?
-yes but more group activities
-no, don’t be a fag

Any general suggestions or comments to help me improve and be a better teacher?
-be louder
-could have made the power point more fun
-make things more fun
- you should be more energetic or give more games or activities like –bingo, -civics tic tac toe, choice game
-teens like rewards too like candy or extra credit in class
-you’re too bossy, loosen up a little bit.
-too bossy, let us relax and have fun
-don’t get so pissed off so easily.
-don’t play with your hair

people been really nice to me lately.

praxis, perkins, pal-ing around
unpaid parking ticket
unfinished practicum
unintended poetic alliteration
leads to intended....


hopefully this next week will be awesome... i have been looking forward to it.
i have a ton of homework to finish up over break.

books
unit plans
student learning analysis
everything else

when the rooster crows at the break of dawn,
look out your window, the whitened lawn
its time for winter to be coming along
dont think twice its alright.

I'm not gonna lie, the student's evaluations of me were a little disheartening...
I'm not sure what to think exactly, i feel like I am probably taking the bad harder than the good... as I do... but im surprised by some of it... Im surprised by the contradictions too... different perceptions. the 9th graders are funny... i had them working on group projects 4/7 days, one of the other days they wrote a letter individually, the other two they were involved in question and answer lectures where much of the class participated... but they want more group work. its the seniors I take the hardest... several perceived my challenges and suggestions as attacks on their character or beliefs... and I don't have the time to make up for that.
When I explain the situation to people they tell me that I did good... but how can i be proud to challenge a person into feeling bad? yes, real learning comes with questioning, hard work, critical thinking etc.... but is that my job or theirs? and when i question and challenge.... well... we shall see i guess...

these are the first three classes, the classes i am most familiar with. the other two classes got cancelled today becuase there was a bomb threat... i am not writing down any of the one words answers... many of them were positive... but i wrote down the real feedback.

1st class, student evaluations (12th grade)

Did I present information clearly enough, in a way that you could understand?

-I understood most of it, some things I was unclear on.
-sometimes

Was my attitude while teaching respectful in nature and did I make you feel comfortable in the classroom?

-not all the time, sometimes the setting was kind of awkward
-little cranky but you were still cool anyways.
-kinda

Did my teaching help you feel more or less involved/comfortable in the classroom?

-kinda uncomfortable
-the same as im used to.
-a little

Do you feel you gained an understanding of the first amendment?

Yes- you did good
No- I had it pretty well down

Any general suggestions or comments to help me improve and be a better teacher?

-Maybe try dressing better if you want to be a teacher…cut your hair maybe, tuck your shirt in! Dress professionally…
-Don’t let some of the people you are teaching deter you. This is something you could be doing for a good portion of your life. You have good ideas (getting people involved) you just have to work on presentation and stuff, keep at it yo.
-good job




2nd class, student evaluations (9th grade)

Did I present information clearly enough, in a way you could understand?

-Sometimes it was confusing when there were different conversations about different civics topics. The power-point was kind of boring.
- have more creative ways instead of lectures more group projects
-somewhat, don’t be shy
yes-comment –made everything very simple
yes-don’t bother with note taking in the book.
-the power point was kind of vague, at first I didn’t know what it was about.
-try to keep the class under more control
-some things could have been explained better
-be more clear on the assignment
-somewhat- I am in the middle because you to be quiet and let us work. You cant always talk. I can’t concentrate when you do . Also don’t do boring “sit in our chair” stuff. I wont listen.
-yes, but sometimes you weren’t very clear on what you were teaching.

Was my attitude while teaching respectful in nature and did I make you feel comfortable in the classroom?

-yes, most definitely
-somewhat
Yes- the “if gays are ok” talk/debate was a little awkward
-in the middle again… you are very much into teaching…. You need to relate to us better!
-yes, but sometimes you were better than others.

Did I help you feel involved in the classroom or in your community?

-somewhat
-sort of
-just the same as before
-yes in the classroom
-yes, doing the posters
-yes, because you showed us how to work together and how to help the community
Yes- in the classroom
Yes –with the letter to a veteran
-yes – you told us a lot of things that I had never thought of doing before, like volunteering in a hospital
-already feel involved.
-somewhat
-yes you did, and thank you for it.
-a little but I think you should have us do more group activities.


Any general suggestions or comments to help me improve and be a better teacher?

-sound more confident of what you’re saying
-I love doing posters and presentations, but we all needed more time to do it.
-Writing letter made me happy thinking of people’s reactions to the letters.
-the only thing I would say do different is use a little more discipline. There was always noise when you were talking and you didn’t really do anything about it. If you let kids do it once they’ll keep doing. Other than that, great job and good luck.
-have everyone come up with ideas before the power-point.
-do current events challenge
-You’re a good teacher
-You could be a little more strict –just a little for example, sometimes when the classroom got noisy it seemed like you had a little trouble getting it quiet.
-you are a very good teacher and I think students will really like you because you are pretty cool.
-be a louder speaker.
-Don’t skip around in the book, go in order the sections are in. Be more clear on what the assignments are for each day.
-do more reviewing each day tell us what we need to know for the test.
-don’t be so easily distracted
-you are a funny guy
-I didn’t learn much…. Also we didn’t really do ANYTHING just that poster. Also, you basically repeated yourself through the WHOLE week.
-more group activities.
-more active lectures, some were boring.
-when people are talking when they are not supposed to be talking, be loud and tell them to please quiet down.


3rd class, student evaluations (12th grade)

Did I present information clearly enough, in a way that you could understand?

Yes- sometimes more energy, but you are very intelligent

Did my teaching help you feel more or less involved/comfortable in the classroom?
More –I loved discussion it’s a great way to learn.

Do you feel you gained an understanding of the first amendment?
Yes –very good just to let us kids talk about it

Any general suggestions or comments to help me improve and be a better teacher?
-more detail in assignments
-I liked that you made me think, but you also made me feel that what I believe Is no good.

a picture i stole off a friend's facebook
i discovered cool settings on my camera
illy and emily
see no, hear no, speak no (i was trying to tell jared how some of his friends dress alike.... i should have just showed him this picture.
there was a dance party.... i dont think this picture was even faked.... people here are just always awesomely over the top and funny and dramatic, and crazy... its fun, good times...

Mike, no one would argue with you that you couldnt try to make something work, it might even be better than half of them out there, but would it be real? probably not, and why put forth the effort if all it is is emotional masturbation, you might as well stick to what you got and try hard to enjoy it.

i dont blog anymore... i dont know why... i been writing people, and talking out a lot of what i have to say...
the school thing is fun most of the time... its a strange mixture of being confident, comfy, excited and incredibly insecure at the oddest moments...
just like assistant teaching over the summer... sometimes in the middle of a lesson i suddenly realize im playing a role, rather than being me... and i jump back in to me... and get happy... but when its hard, stressful... when the results arent coming... i question... and thats ok... but being someone else doesnt help get the results... kids see through that shit.
friends...
this last week has been hard... i have been trying to not let it get to me... but illy sort of said it for me... she was trying to be there for people cuz i wasnt... and all week i have been feeling sort of guilty about that... its not my place... and how proud i have been to hear the results... get togethers and people holding eachother up... how wonderful to know that my friends can count on eachother, can come together and get over their differences when it matters... its that sort of blessing that will let me know that i can leave this world at any time... and things will be ok.
thats sort of nice... it makes me feel really proud, and full of love for people... at the same time... i wish i could be there, be a part of it.
friends...
Morris has been nice, and hard as well.... a sort of strange mix of fun times and excitement, and really sort of depressing... heartbreaking... stress and depression. Its cold, not everyone is sure they are on the right path. when they smile, no when people arent smiling in morris-or making random shit up... you know there is trouble, and there has been some hinted at trouble lately. not like the sort of drama, but hurt. and how horrible a feeling that is when it permeates the air, when its penetrates more than the cold winds... shit... thats awful to feel in this place that has so many good vibes. but i think maybe the world had their high a month ago... and now they are having the test part... the sort of struggle... to see how we learn... and you know what?
i got faith.
we gonna make it.

family...
shit i dont do them justice. I have taken all that they have given me and flee-ed, and i think they understand and respect that... but how frustrating and heartbreaking it is to watch your love gone and spreading out to others with none left to return... some day. some day.


In a few weeks I will be very stressed and also very excited and happy, and probably really hurt... im just guessing all this... but uh... this next week i have a full week of teaching 5 classes... and then the praxis (state test for teachers) and then some work... and them thanksgiving... and becky's return... and inevitable heartbreak...
and then back here again... and then... i dunno trying to stay active in a place that i will be ready to flee from, wishing i could take the smiles and craziness with me.

well past the point of needing to post.

What to say?

I had a pretty enjoyable weekend, celebrated some birthdays and saw some friends, but realized halfway through that i hadnt brought home the things i needed to do all of my homework.... now im back at school and i must've left em at the high school cuz they aint here.

bought the serj tankian cd.... fairly good...
watched some movies: 28 weeks later, day watch, a mighty heart... definitely enjoyed day watch the most...

last friday I taught all day... heres a run down:

I went to bed at about 10:00 the night before (the earliest i have gone to bed all year i think...) but woke up at 2 AM and then struggled with sleep the rest of the night... till 7 AM... when i dragged my ass out of bed and in to the shower... did the normal things..
left for the high school around 8:30, went to the media center area to get a projector -for my power point.
it worked...
first hour starts around 9:15...
The regular teacher had a ton of announcements so I really only got about 30 minutes with the students... but that was ok.
I had them take a pre test, gave a lecture with a lot of "hey guys give me some ideas on what you think this is..." type stuff, and then a post test... most of the kids got anywhere from 1-2 questions better... on average... but actually many kids got 4-7 more correct, and others got 0 or (had a few negatives) but some of those 0's were because the kids already knew most of the answers... so its a little hard to evaluate how much learning there actually was... but in general they did better. they even used some of my nmemonic devices.
that was 2,4,6 hours.... 3 and 7th are 9th grade civics, and we played the current events challenge with them, which i have gotten used to doing... its basically like a group challenge... they pick a category and a number and then try to answer the question...
inbetween 4th and 6th hours i had to run to campus to attend my own 12:00 class... which i showed up late for and left early from... so that was fun... and then...
after all 5 classes and my own class, i packed everything up (too quickly i guess) and ran home to get a few more items... then drove home. (3 hours to st paul)... dropped in at Illy's hung with morgan and illy and emily, then we all went and spent too much at Aimee's new work... they drank, and i sober cabbed... some more cats showed up... it was a good time for me... then uh... we left and i got a movie i think... something like that.


i dont really have anything to say. that was friday...
you enjoy yourself.

post removed...

i was sort of making a joke, and apparently didnt come across right... so thats gone...

Im falling in love with Taylor Mali

though i am certainly part of what he may criticize in this poem... i like the idea behind it (the spacing is all messed up)

"I’m for reckless abandon and spontaneous celebrations of nothing at all, like the twin flutes I kept in the trunk of my car in a box labeled Emergency Champagne Glasses!
Raise an unexpected glass to long, cold winters and sweet hot summers and the beautiful confusion of the times in between. To the unexpected drenching rain that leaves you soaking wet and smiling breathless;“We danced in the garden in torn sheets in the rain,”we were christened in the sanctity of the sprinkler,can’t you hear it singing out its Hallelujah?
Here’s to the soul-expanding power of the simply beautiful.
See, things you hate, things you despise, multinational corporations and lies that politicians tell, injustices that make you mad as hell, that’s all well and good. And as far as writing poems goes, I guess you should. It just might be a poem that gets Mumia released, brings an end to terrorism or peace in the middle east.
But as far as what soothes me, what inspires and moves me, honesty behooves me to tell you your rage doesn’t move me. See, like the darkest of clouds my heart has a silver lining, which does not harken to the loudest whining, but beats and stirs and grows ever more when I learn of the things you’re actually for.
That’s why I’m for best friends, long drives, and smiles, nothing but the sound of thinking for miles.For the unconditional love of dogs: may we learn the lessons of their love by heart.For therapy when you need it, and poetry when you need it. And the wisdom to know the difference.
The solution to every problem usually involves some kind of liquid,even if it’s only Emergency Champagneor running through the sprinkler.Can’t you hear it calling you?
I’m for crushes not acted upon, for admiration from afar, for the delicate and the resiliant and the fragile human heart, may it always heal stronger than it was before.For walks in the woods, and the for the woods themselves, by which I mean the trees. Definitely for the trees.Window seats, and locally brewed beer, and love letters written by hand with fountain pens:I’m for all of these.
I’m for evolution more than revolution unless you’re offering some kind of solution.
I’m for the courage it takes to volunteer, to say “yes,” “I believe,” and “I will.”For the bright side, the glass half full, the silver lining, and the optimists who consider darkness just a different kind of shining.
So don’t waste my time and your curses on verses about what you are against, despise, and abhor. Tell me what inspires you, what fulfills and fires you, put your precious pen to paper and tell me what you’re for!"

(heres some dramatic bs)

words alone, never could save us.


wow i just got so sad. something about reading old letters from loved ones, remember fondly meeting and enjoying some one new, that falling feeling in all its scary vulnerability. "that first night" maybe its just this song.




I think im gonna need to run away soon... or I might be lost again, and that seems a strange contradiction... but I usually find what i need the moment I leave, turn around and am some how able to hug even more people.


Some days I think about the relationships I have had, and regret how quickly I said I loved them, when really I was saying I would... and I did, but it wasnt till the trials, when I realized how much I wanted to give and often couldnt. Its not the vulnerability that makes you love someone, its not being open, its having them rip something from you without meaning to, and instead of drawing up inside yourself... you reach out to give them anything left, assuming, trusting that they know you well enough to know whats good for you. The assumption that they will do the right thing- based not on their current state, your past or theirs, not their troubles, their hectic life, but because you know were the situation reversed you would do everything in your power to let them know they were loved -and if thats not how they feel.... well you'd rather face that hard conclusion than not have trusted.

Sometimes life does get in the way though, sometimes they are too hurt, or you are to do it right... thats ok. Sometimes its just the situation, or the conflict of interests or the differences in personality... thats ok... thats heart break... thats good for you. but personally... I won't ever assume i'll ever be over it. when random words or pictures or memories or smells or touching makes me cry unexpectedly... well thats a tear to smile for.

you can lead a man to city but that dont assure civility



im sort of amazed by the songs i have in my head in the morning when i wake up... often times its hey ya and depending on whether its the sad version or the upbeat version one can tell my dreams maybe... today and yesterday it was "no regrets" which is the lucy song from aesop rock.
no regrets... maybe my dreams are telling me to paint.


I find things that shouldnt be funny, hi-larious
and at the sex scene-sang along to the dawning of aquarious
Alicia and I would both go alone, but hey thats just our style..
still sometimes we get criticized for playing frisbee in the aisles

HMMMM what to talk about...

Well I am home this weekend... trying to fit random things in... so far I have hung out with both sets of rents, my brother and his girl, illy and gabs and amy a.... went to a roller derby game that was awesome, went to church and pretended to be a judge. havent had time yet for homework or computer games or drawing... slept a lot.

from laurel's constant suggestions i decided i should buy sid meier's pirates! (the second version) but i havent played it yet, and honestly I dont think i should until i get caught up in my classes... just in case it is as awesome as she says... a few weeks ago i bought some computer games, and have played 1 of them for about 5 hours total... which isnt actually that much in 2 weeks.

I am hoping it was the break, or the stress or the weather that made the last week or two a little different... but if not... welcome to the new period of old.... my great time of monkeyness is gone... im not using good words, but that is part of it. Its like a loss of energy, and seeing things clearly or rather beautifully... and maybe its just exhaustion...
I dont know how laurel and emily are doing it, considering they must have been just as stressed... and now they are roaming around san fran... i hope they take a day to chill.

last night i went to the roller girl derby with james and julie.. they have a friend who plays, but she wasnt playing last night. I have never seen a more entertaining sport... its sort of crazy... sort of like lacrosse on wheels... and without sticks or balls... just humans. we were in the second row... which meant u sit on the ground and people come crashing in to you.
we only stayed for half the games but even that was like an hour and a half... and we got to see an awesome hiphop dance group before hand... a few of the kids could make it seem as if they walked on air... or slid without moving... it was amazing.

hmmm.... i watched some movies the other night... and it was nice.... i want to watch more, but blockbuster is so expensive... and i think my time would be better spent reading the book i have to read for class... or planning my units....


I questioned a lot of my beliefs today in church, i wonder if i can still call myself a christian... I dont know if what i believe is what the church says... but i know it has a lot to do with what christ said.... still... what if i dont think you need him, or dont believe he is the son of god... or dont believe he is god... anymore than the rest of us?
Im not sure about it... but it wasnt questioning my faith, just my religion... and i still ended up feeling quite blesses and teary eyed by the last song...

I guess it was just weird to see all the ritual, the church, the songs and sayings... its like... this is not my religion anymore is it?
Im pretty sure i believe in something more transparent.... more relational... more inside of yourself and around you.
and a church seems a strange place to find that connection... not that i havent before many times... and grant (my step dad is the pastor) said some great things during the sermon, that made me wonder if any of us who are educated within the church, really actually believe in the whole thing, or whether they are going through the motions, because thats how all of us grew up within the church, and thats how we learned to find our own path.
much like jesus growing up jewish and sort of interpreting it in a different way..
but am i anything then?
am i all of it?

you know that character... the drunk guy who thinks everyone is mad at them... theres always one of these guys you know.... i was that guy tonight...
only problem is, im pretty sure some of them actually were..
and im not sure what to do with that... because although a little obnoxious.... i wasnt totally out of line tonight or anything. I wasnt even drunk half the night, just felt sick, but was still having a good time... thus acted looopy... like when u are sick and not miserable.

i was happy to see everyone having a good time tonight... but i was feeling extremely young and insecure again... like these people dont actually want me around, just put up with me... and a lot of it was that sort of sarcastic game people play where they just pretend to be angry with you... but you dont know... do ya?