Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

I will hopefully be not as negative in these at some point... but uh...

its cold, i think im sick. Im not really sure whats been wrong with me the past few days... around my family im suddenly miserable. around my friends i feel too vulnerable.
my mom has a painting i did sitting on the desk in front of me... i like the colors, but a close look and its terrible.

Updates.... I took the praxis last week and it went well I think. There is really no way to know until roughly the end of December. I finished my practicum experience, for the most part. I have to drop some stuff off on monday... but other than that Im home free with that. I spose I have to write a unit plan.
A unit plan is all the crap I did, all the things i would have done, all the changes i need to make etc. It will take me quite a while tomorrow night I think, but its not exactly hard work, more just time consuming.
a lot of cut and paste of objectives and standards.
In the future, i will probably try to be more descriptive about the things I am actually doing, in that way, some of you could actually understand.
Its illy's b day today. Im not sure what she will be doing, because we celebrated by going to a concert last night. My friends are funny, but I worry about them. I have a huge headache, I think from all the smoke, and lack of water lately...
We saw Buck 65, and it was a really good show, though we missed cecil otter opening... I cant say I was entirely entranced in the concert, I sort of have this habit of thinking about other people when I go to concerts with them... especially when they are not near me. They slip into the crowd, and me with my big bulky jacket, sit back and watch as they leave again.
Anyway, its also sort of my last day here. Its hard being at morris when half my life is here... and when i return home sometimes i just want to stay, and other times im thinking/worrying about what is happening at morris, so im excited to get back. I was telling eagan that I find the weekend home thing really stressful... I never accomplish what I need to, and never feel like i have enough time, when Im at morris I miss stuff here, when Im here I miss stuff at morris. Since I live there, its easier just to stay and not deal with the stress.... but often times I dont realize how much i miss my friends until i'm talking to them, and then it hits me really hard how much I dont want to leave.

The return of becky, has really thrown me out of my normal orientation. I dont know what to think about it... in some world -im sure it would be possible not to think the way I do...
I was explaining to her how I have two different conversations going on every time Im with her, one with her, and another with myself trying to figure out what and why im feeling things.

I have been really trained to feel bad about this stuff...
Im pretty sure it will lead to me feeling hurt again...

Its interesting to see how different she is at times, so much more than what I knew, and that makes it harder, because she seems to be reaching out for whatever potential she has... and I dont really feel that way about myself right now.
I sort of feel stuck, and its a stuck Im ok with most of the time...


when becky talks about leaving, a good part of me wants to beg her to take me with her... its the whole path thing.... its, what if my loves split up and leave.... what will that leave me with?

and meetin these lovely youngins at school reminds me that I can make good friendships where ever I go... but they dont love me like that, have never promised me anything.... are exploring their own lives.... and what am I?

I follow this dream I had each night of teaching.... and end up in school somewhere I dont know, and with people I dont know, and with every person I care about, across town, across state, across country, across oceans...
They pursue their path, I pursue mine, but I always thought mine included them.... and its hard to find out it might not.

I feel guilt a lot, for caring for people and not being able to tell them, and further - for some reason I feel guilt that I love them and they dont love me.
that shouldnt make me feel guilty but it does.

anyway.



Im gonna go eat lunch with my fam.... and try to make it seem like im feeling normal.