Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

I hate the feeling of jealousy more than anything, well short of like rejection and loss, and maybe severe worry. but i mean of the things faced on a regular basis. I hate it because not only am I untrusting, not viewing the world positively, thinking bad thoughts, being negative etc. but also because knowing that im feeling those things makes me so mad at myself. So im sitting there pissed off at the world and equally pissed off at myself and for some reason cant stop. so much negativity wrapped around me like a blanket and it makes me warm with frustration and helps repeat the cycle.

(im mad at myself cuz i have no reason to be jealous, i shouldnt feel insecure i should praise and thank those for what they can offer)

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im hanging out with alexis manana, i was looking forward to it immensely before this weekend and now im back in negativity but i have a counseling appointment tomorrowo and that usually makes me feel better, or like i can handle things.
so maybe it will be ok.
im not sure what she expects, i expect to try to sneak in some studying while we are hanging out and take some pictures. we discussed possibly getting our fortunes read, which is something i feel i been needing lately for some reason, a lack of illy in my life to tell me things are aight on a more spiritual plain i think.

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I had a really good time at the bar the other night, possibly one of the first bar experiences i really enjoyed something about a band and a costume party.
i spent like 20$ and only had a coke. (i owed everyone drinks or money)
It made me really happy to hear krystin had a good time, and alicia too. I felt a little distracted like I wasnt being a good host sort of guy (for some reason i felt like that was my job) anyway it was the highlight of my weekend i think.

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I went to the rfc the fitness center today and went through one of my at the drive in cds twice while doing some power walking type treadmill work.
calories dont come off easy when u are trying but i think since we are constantly burning them doing normal activities as well, it will be ok. Im not sure it will happen but im trying to tell myself that i will go three times a week from now on. So that im in shape for traveling. walk the hills without leg and backpain.
I wouldnt want to hold the girl back, complaining and such.
oh by the way i only went like a little over 3.5 miles. so thats not great, but its a good start considering i never exercise.
and getting off treadmills is fun, cuz walking seems so easy and free afterwards.


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today in my history class i think i got cocky. I didnt mean too. I tend to feel like i have some extra sources in that class, or some extra experience, but i dont really think of myself as smarter by any means, but then someone will say something and i feel the need to correct them like its my place which it certainly isnt. I drew a pirate girl today in honor of laurel our floor pirate/ RA but i didnt have the guts to give it to her.

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I had a talk with eagan last night. He said he had love for me in a very connected type way. we talked a lot about love and its many forms as well as the perversions of beautiful things, such as pornography. But my state was loneliness before the convo and this i felt like we were doing that thing little kids do where they talk in monologues to eachother rather than have conversations. (we werent but i felt like it)