as far as i know, this will be my address in scotland

also as far as i know, the earth does indeed spin to the left when facing north...

Gary/Pat Engstrand
2F1, 100 Thirlestane Road
Edinburgh
EH9 1AS
Scotland

i know i should be patient and understanding, i can be that i think, i need to try, but everyday i feel patience slipping away and actually more so than the original situation it bothers me. bothers me that i lose patience...




also im signed up for 10 credits and may try to con my way into a few more here by tomorrow. thas right. Im a con man baby.

Im sorry if this becomes one of those things i complain about. Im hoping i can just be angsty and frustrated on here and then be over it.

First off I got a test tomorrow the last of the semester,and two papers to go, but i doubt i'll get em done.

So..... remember how i was thinking about withdrawing from my social science sem? well the reasons were simple.. I didn't get all the assignments done, didnt have time to do em in time before the class ended. So I sent an e mail to the prof, said hey im over worked and stressed and this class is not a priority so im gonna withdraw. He sent back an e mail saying dont withdraw come see me in my office (his office hours are 10-11:30 tuesday thursday. I have a class at 10:00 on thursday -which happened to be a test so I didnt go in on thursday. I also didnt send him back an e mail because like i said before i was stressed and had other priorities. So im thinking "ok, i will go in next week and talk to him, spend 3 hours in the library and pass the class." I go in on monday, hes in but its says office hours are tuesday morning... (the first time i knew that) but i had pulled an all nighter from sun to mon and slept in tuesday cuz it was my only day off this week. So i missed it... but i didnt e mail him cuz he told me to come in and see him and find out what i needed to do. So i go in today, say fuck office hours i got timeright now, i got in at 12:30 he says "oh i just sent in the grades why didnt u send me the work?" cuz i had other priorities like the e mail said like the reason i was gonna withdraw... "um well you will have to take it next semester.." ok whatever i can still withdraw (nope) call the office of classes and shit "is it too late?" "yes" ok.... so i fail a class because my teacher told me i could make up the work even though i told him i dont have time and then when i find the time he says not soon enough why didnt u find the time earlier? fuckers....

From anne landers to ani difranco to orphan annie,
I love all women, but most of em just cant stand me....
either way it's okay, I wasn't tryin' to get laid
I just wanted to say "I hope you have a great day"

get to relax a bit tonight, james is talking bout coming up for lunch tomorrow, long drive. hope hes got some work or something up here.


bout to make sure im not interfering with the flow of oxygen


soul position is awesome. tis true

mike sob story (full length continuation)

sorry for thoseof you who have read this

get research paper done, test at 11, finish other paper, go to two study sessions, (by thursday) finish 2 books write 2 papers 4-6 pages each,test wednesday, test thursday (both of which i havent even started studying for) meet with prof go to the library for 3-4 hours to make up assignments so that I dont fail my social science seminar, pack up my room, spend quality time with people, set up last minute directed studies, drive home to spend 2 possible days with my dad, 5 possible days with friends and my mom and pack for both india and scotland, as well as get x mas presents and make sure my car and health insurance are in working order. then i fly to india spend a few weeks checking out poverty and shit and then fly to london where i catch a bus train or plane to edinburgh just in time for my b day on jan 15th, where I start some more school... travel around europe and hopefully see some cats i been missing for a semester.
chillax

I know most of you are probably thinking, well if u hadnt slacked off you'd be aight, and thats only partially true.

falling into place?


its true im struggling to finish this semester, two papers due tomorrow at 4ish a test tomorrow, a class that may be my free withdrawl or may mean 3-4 hours in the library, another class with 2 papers left and a paragraph of the paper i have gotten the furthest on, but still havent finished-not to mention the 2 papers are with books i havent finished...

BUT
maybe.. if Roland says yes... that makes 10 and maybe if i can persuade templeman that it would be worthy... that could be a few more and maybe then I would be a full time student and wouldnt feel like I wasted next semester doing fun shit like I want to do!

by that I mean i want to travel, but if I can be rsponsible while traveling well thats two stones with one bird if you know what I means, and I think you do.

Right right...

pete woke me up yesterday and told me of the wonderful time im missing in park. and how I wont have 3 hours alone to myself this break, which will be bad since I need to pack and and possibly finish some papers/reading.

oh do i have the energy for youthful adventure? I surely dont have the stamina to run at this rate for long...

also If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

"Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris"

still you feed us lies from the tablecloth

"to all the people out there at night, who are comforting themselves, if you happen to see my light, you can stop and ring my bell, im just sitting here in this sty, strewn with half written songs, taking one breath at a time, nothin much goin on." ~ani D (yeah i probably quoted this before but yall dont read the archives)

"i'll be waiting"

I wanted to write some shitty poetry but attempts were not so solid and now i must go to class.

oh the places we will go tonight... yes yes avoiding homework (i got my studying done, but have yet to do the papers) oh the papers the bane of my existence i know i keep saying that about different things but truly papers must be.
So now we sit with comps a rolling and mouths a strolling, discussing counterweights, jokes and holidays.

Laurel demands I work but she said she was going to bed like an hour ago so she is a dirty filthy liar. Which she claims does not make her unable to tell me what to do.
Thanks for the holiday gifts and wishes bre and krystin the mints were truly delightful. as were the crackers.

In other news, I worry bout peoples who dont like to tell me their worries, only hint at them and then suggest that we talk about it later. Which i try to be ok with but you should have heard my heart pound after hearing that phone message.

and on a completely different note, this is what I wrote last night about depictions of witches:
The concept of witch covens remains today, but the popular focus has switched from demonic pacts to female or nature empowerment. In popular culture we see many depictions of witches in which the same behaviors or spells as those referred to in history remain as do the purposes of doing harm or gaining power. In movies like The Craft the female coven astonishes even themselves while dabbling in witchcraft, those outside warn the characters that they are practicing dark magic and upsetting the balance of good and evil, but the witches in a quest for power, wealth and popularity continue on in very much a similar pattern as accused witches would have been charged with in the middle ages. These women are moving outside their gender and class roles, they act together to upset the balance and they cause harm to men in charming them out of their natural senses. In Four Rooms a comedy containing several different stories the opening story begins with a witch coven. The women gather in a hotel suite to awaken their goddess. The characters including one played by Madonna, depict in several ways their sexual influence and charm over men. During the ceremony, in which one of the women adds male semen to the mix, they attract a teenage girl to join them. The story includes pagan worship, sexual control over men, females conspiring together to change gender roles, the extraction of male semen to cast spells and the “corruption” of youth.

I tend to bring it all back to modernity a bit too much.

givin away my stuff anybody need anything? (possiby to be returned to me late summer, or early next school year)

This seems to be a recurring theme lately (that word was misspelled wasn't it?)

How does one make up for blowing someone elses trust?
How does one fix holes in others view of their integrity.
How does one communicate their sincere desire to make it better, when they cant comprehend the damage? Should I just wait and hope it gets better? possibly giving up a friendship that I really enjoy or do I fight still probably uncomprehending their suffering assuming that the injustice can be made better? Is it a further injustice to assume, is it a further injustice to be unknowing? Is it mine or their duty to bridge the gap, for an explanation of the damage done?

Why am I so old and still fucking up like i did in jr high? and how do I make sure this doesnt turn in to the drama and angst of that day?


So Im sorry to everyone I have hurt lately, I know that it there are more of you than just the recent ones, and apparently one of you isnt holding a grudge except for a picture which I still think is cool, but you are entitled to your opinion. And the other person who im not sure even reads this, I am sorry, I was wrong for both lying to you and going against your wishes in something that is beyond my limited understanding. I dont know that I can make it up but if I can I wish to. I know that despite my flaws you once has some respect for me, as I do for you and hopefully in the future I can find a way to make it up to you.

Peace and love -taff

I done fucked up with mike the rock, sometimes im not aware of what others take seriously

Even understanding the circumstances doesnt it often feel like rejection? When people got shit going on or pull away for their own needs...

On further reflection, I didn't get my paper done and I have lower backpain, nails painted the manic colors of my childhood, I'd release to get some release, but the pain blocks the way.
"if we fall, we all fall, and we fall alone"

long ago we tried to give up on lines, hoping to project some inner sense of dignified solidity, longing for belonging, we treasured the eternal possibilities, thus in loneliness we adopted transendence and sometimes we cant help but feel it lacking.

"give me my knife you bastard" ~molly

We are watching coffee and cigarettes, steve buscemi is hurassing some cats at a coffee shop.
Mike the rock and molly are peeling apples for apple sauce.
I dont have a phone card but im supposed to call steve, for like days now.

we went and saw rent yesterday, I liked it, I cried, I sang, I told a woman i appreciated her clapping. I felt sympathetic when she told me her friend had died, I felt warmed knowing he was there with us.

We went to perkins Joe was there, Chip and chang were there, jason and amber were there. They all looked alike and liked to talk to us.

"what you like to draw blood?" ~molly

yes i do, but thats not what i told her.

Becky's b day was the other day. I enjoyed myself, she seemed to feel better, and she got hit on a bunch and got free drinks.
I conversated with Andy about anger acknowledging our attitudes and assessing our alcohol induced angst. Im glad to see and hang out with my friends.

right. jello shots on fri. rent on sat, homework today.

peace and love... im all about the indifference.

"the most interesting thing that can be seen is -belongs to is -how most easily-socially and personally -and how that affects the way they are" ~execerpts from Jason's paper

I got chills they're multiplying


I dont want to be in school next semester, still I cant financially or in any other way justify not taking some classes, so its buck up, and take it like a giraffe. Thats right.

random insights from snippets of scatterbrainedness

Im very sketchy on my head today

I am using the fact that my teachers are all behind to my advantage

The week is going so fast I forgot I had a meeting tonight until molly told me 5 mins ago.


but either way dons is a good way to fuck with my stomach, and as we all know i love doing that
yeah dons without a shake is like me without a dons shake
it just doesnt work well

no i did a lot of the research and some of the map stuff but im about half done with the work, except the actual typing
which puts me not very far at all
when i think about it


yes both why not i'll be magnificent

I have the biggest stupidest mouth in the world, and i think karma and fate is trying to fucking give me a hint. I fucked up. I hope everything works out. The parties involved know im trying to take full blame. Im an idiot.
also I hate the fact that right when things in most cases start to be going right i go and get all ego like and try to be cool and screw it up.

very happy that becky is talking to me, seems ok, smiles.

very unhappy that this geography project will not be done by the time class starts. but i think its just a third of a letter grade off, still he's a tough grader and its 20% total of the grade. I think i will have 2/3s of the work done, by class time, but im gonna send my teacher an e mail and tell him i underestimated.


had a lot of fun and laughs at the floor program tonight.

Eagan's version is better than dylans

Well, if you're travelin' in the north country fair,
Where the winds hit heavy on the borderline,
Remember me to one who lives there.
for She once was a true love of mine.

Well, if you go when the snowflakes storm,
When the rivers freeze and summer ends,
Please see if she's wearing a coat so warm,
To keep her from the howlin' winds.

Please see for me if her hair hangs long,
If it rolls and flows all down her breast.
Please see for me if her hair hangs long,
That's the way I remember her best.

sometimes I wonder if she remembers me at all.
Many times I've often prayed
In the darkness of my night,
In the brightness of my day.

So if you're travelin' in the north country fair,
Where the winds hit heavy on the borderline,
Remember me to one who lives there.
for She once was a true love of mine.

The brutal process,
ripping,
thrust
forced expansion
the scream of flesh
of combatting the stretch

and on a smaller scale
like the antarctic snow dunes of the parking lot...
I think it would be possible
to see the creation of a galaxy
space doubling, tripling infinite with each new
stab
and withdrawl

what we call destruction, death
the expression of space dividing and expanding
reaching beyond the encaptured limited form of body
and with each prick, the opening to more
released longing creates the "bang"
with every cut a new universe



(This is not meant to freak anyone out, or entice anyone to do anything possibly harmful to themselves or others, but I got caught up in the idea of a knife, the blade that creates, rather than destroys (maybe too much american psycho))

Aimee and I (she is distracted in every picture i took)
Aimee, Nova and I, Nova and her girl

Pictures later. Everyone else is posting, and i got ten mins till family guy. Partially i havent been posting because im not sure what to say and who to say it to. Life is confusing, good, but with some stress.

I got some cds this weekend, and its possible my cd player in my car wont work again. I tried to fix my computer and it didnt work.

I got to see aimee, and called gabs briefly. Hung out with nova and alexis and family. Took some family pics.



Dreams are odd, in them we see windows to things we never thought we would worry about, sometimes remember, glances partial views, stuggling for truth struggling for security, struggling for acceptance and love. I have dreamed of loss and of new accomplishments....I have woke sad, confused, hurt, comfortable, happy, loving.
I have seen people struggle in their dreams, cry out, long for safety, grab tighter, hug and kiss, pete used to eat in his sleep... zach use to twitch.
Sometimes things are beautiful sometimes we feel at home, accepted, sometimes we run, hide, scream, sometimes we worry its real, other times we wake and wish it had been.

Aight Sioux Falls, my pops, my step mom in a squad car, and my cousin melissa getting walked down the aisle at her wedding

UM Nova wrote me, thats awesome, I mean lots of people have been writing me and it gives me a small celebration in my soul eachtime, but nova wrote me and im pretty sure I owed her like two e mails so I felt bad but she didn't seem to care. Anyway I guess i will see her soon.
Also I will update soon
but she sent me this silly poem I wrote a long time ago, Im not sure when though, I feel like I should be able to place it but I dont remember, Also I think its funny how I use to refer to women I had crushes on as animals in poems, im fairly sure mouse, elephant and cow were all girls I had crushes on (cow being nikki and it had nothing to do with appearances in any of the cases I dont think just like inside jokes or things they had said to me clicked at some point.

anyway i think this poem might have gotten erased cuz i havent seen it in a long time so thanks to nova

Whether you're the walker with the crooked leg swing
Or the one who walks straight an old style king
Your knees will give out eventually
So whats the point of the act we've weaved?
The purposeful miscalculations the thoughtful deceit
Assuring you know yourself to your friends
Unsure what is you and where the cloak ends
------Born in a phase bring it to pass
Describe it as nothing
for you are but glass
See through and vulnerable
Strong in the soul
Forget we are birds run into windows
----I haven't seen your positivity in days
Haven't made that mouse joke in quite awhile
Hurt from cow almost forgotten
Elephant in style
--Funny the young one made you love her in a day
She like all the others
They all make you feel that way
Funny it's been 2 days and you can't even remember what she looks like
Just the connection and energy derived from the passion of her soul
The positivity as a goal
Of course
You're happy to pay the cost
An hour or 2 of dreams and a longing for 4 am love affair flings
She's gone, heart stings
--Sad but so wonderful
Who would dare to be so vulnerable who would choose?
Only those with nothing to lose or everything to give and I long to be one one day
That day so far away the day the world stops
---I wonder where Micah is today____
I wonder at which stop she got off and why I didn't notice till now
Oh recount the days the love the play in your mind where only you speak the lines but in two voices as if both character's choices were the same and they never are_____
-----Dream always of touching truth expressing the beauty you know in your soul
Too bad you taint it
Too bad you only show its taintedness
--The only truth you could ever even tell is that love of god love of life and love of love itself but definitely not in a way people could understand (tell em to look in your eyes)
___ So listen to rent and watch Moulin Rouge learn to love life learn how not to confuse
Learn its ok to live the life of a man
Learn its ok to live long
Forget your selfish childhood dreams of dying while young a creator of beauty a soul who knew and expressed the beauty in words or in paint the love around them the sound the dance
Forget you would give it all to show the world you loved it
Live it
Give back to it in a small dose
A medicinal pill
A shot or a word
Could sooth the mildly ill
And probably fulfill your need for a thrill
Most definitely forget your love of women so much you want to be one and act like ruthless man
or don't and be happy without anyone who understands

Im gone this weekend, im also gone this weekend. I think this part of my life is very mountainous, very scenic, very beautiful, very dangerous, very scary, very high ups, very steep edges, a couple of fuckin downers that take your breath away.

Im sick of this, everything is awesome! FUCKIN A are things grande.

YOU take care of yourself and someone else. Peace and love and much respect to you all I think you are wonderful and want to see rainbows and sparkles and stars in your eyes shimmering lips dimpled cheeks high I want real smiles from all of you not that pencil inbetween your teeth fake dopamine booster shit but the real grins ear to ear. Thats right now go look in a mirror you are beautiful. Now go show the world and share em. I couldnt be happier with any of you, you never cease to amaze you wonder you beautiful fucking creatures I want pictures I want sunshine on your faces, I want joy tears in your eyes when you realize the world loves you. Here is my heart my soul my mind and body, here is my love my being my spirit my happiness. Here is everything you have given me if I could I'd multiply it by infinity and give you every bit back to wrap you in warmth in multicolored heart blankets.
Forgive me I dont know how best to love you, I dont know how to love myself without knowing you are there and so I must take you for granted, forgive me.
I love you all and im not saying this because anything is ending im saying this because Im sick of not loving purely. So for this minute its all just love. just love just love.
love
peace be with you I love you
-taff

the song eagan was playing the other day

"THERE IS A LIGHT THAT NEVER GOES OUT ~the smiths

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Take me out tonight
Where there's music and there's people
And they're young and alive
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one
Anymore

Take me out tonight
Because I want to see people and I
Want to see life
Driving in your car
Oh, please don't drop me home
Because it's not my home, it's their
Home, and I'm welcome no more


And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine


Take me out tonight
Take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
And in the darkened underpass
I thought Oh God, my chance has come at last
(But then a strange fear gripped me and I
Just couldn't ask)


Take me out tonight
Oh, take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one, da ...
Oh, I haven't got one


And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine


Oh, There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out"

I worry, probably too much, probably over nothing, why would I ever stop?
I blame myself, probably too much, probably over nothing, why would I ever stop?
I care, probably too much, probably because I know its something, why would I ever stop?
I love, probably too much, probably because I know its something, why would I ever stop?

Oh what to say, what not to say...?

I might just vent about the stupid things in life right now, really only because im trying to concentrate on the much more important things...

three things im frustrated about

1) My computer isnt recognizing my external hard drive, which means i have limited access to my music, which is incredibly irritating, considering music is like oxygen.
2) I'm behind on reading, im not mad about this one, just wish it were easier to get caught up, so that i could be less worried about next week.
3) I dont know what to write about for the open mic, and don't know if I have anything to sing, or read from the past, and its thursday. Its not so bad if i dont do anything its just that it is always fun (even when i suck like last time)-words just arent coming to me, somewhat like this post, its just not flowing...

Three things I am happy about

1) Relationships, new and old
2) Ego trips (reluctantly) - people seem to like me, also krystin put up a verse of a song I wrote on her xanga, its nice that someone likes it...
3) The future seems bright despite the darkening sky.

I returned to 4B and upon entry heard eagan playing the most beautiful song. His voice strong, passionate yet bold. Guitar softly strummed releasing beautiful melody conveying the mood he stood facing the window, singing to the world, possibly taking the casual glance at his reflection and of those of the wid mouthed passerbys. I stood with my eyes closed, taking it in.
I thought about how much i wanted a video camera to be recording, fearing the loss of this moment, dreading it. When it ended I enthusiastically thanked him, I wonder if part of me only clapped because I selfishly wished he would play it again.
I did get follow up videos on my camera of the songs after, which are beautiful but nothing could compare to the grace of the first.

***************************************************************************


I skipped my first class, cleaning and reading, chatting it up about th beauty of sledding. The beauty of the metaphor as well.


Reviewing old material -I wish I wrote as I have before, where the rhythm sweeps me up and flowetry spreads gospel,


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



I got a little frustrated in a sort of selfish way that I cant seem to capture the beauty of certain people, not well enough with my camera, I'd spend hours taking pictures if people didnt get restless. I would follow them around all day, I wouldnt mind the extras either, the subtle beauty in each one, but still, please camera just one picture that shows exactly the fact that people's beauty cant be contained in 2d busting off the page, explosions with attitude and glamour, true heart sadness and inner warmth radiance. Please?


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I have been meaning to mention this: Laurel


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=



I am also pleased to bring you: Alexis

(I dont mean to self plug here - but uh "thanks" my egotistical side amuses)

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&


I have been reading Laurel's stuff for a few weeks now and get excited for each new episode, and truthfully I dont know if I have ever been as excited for a new blog as with Alexis's, save possibly the exception of elizabeth but for the same reason creativity and excitement seem to come naturally to her and its beautiful to see people express themselves.



I only religiously check like 4 blogs now, down from like 10 but no one posts,and I have lost touch so...


#############################################################################

my fortune cookie laid down the law today, something about being cautious in my relationships, me thinks im not deemed fit, too overwhelming.



!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


and finally I failed Mike the rock today, not only did i sleep during the guys lecture for a bit but I decided it better to take a nap then to sleep to st cloud. so I couldnae conversate with he and emily.

The speech was good but nothing new, and I though im glad that someone says it for the sake of the new people I wondered how those who know feel about attending....




I could cry for love of the world, but instead I'll relax and smile for awhile

Been doing better. Lots of good things me thinks.

Dont really know what to say.
so uh
"DAY O He say day ay ay o
day light come man me wan go home"

Oh my god!! what is my deal? this is the second day in a row i have gotten no homework done. Its simply not cool. I sit here all night long listening to music and exploring facebook, my pics, e mails, poetry, art websites, funny websites, blogs and journals blah blah blah
I have a simple paper to write and cant work up the motivation. It sucks cuz i want to do fun things and i dont think i should unless i get something done...

other than that though, things may be better. Im worried about someone, Im excited to see Illy, I need to talk to gabs, I want to see my brothers and go out to eat with them, I want a social life, and I want to hang out with my friends new and old. I dont want to do homework, i dont want to be in school. I dont want to have to worry about events. I want to be eventless, so i can paint all night long and watch movies and rock out and have beautiful conversations with beautiful people. I want to take pictures of them and thank them.
I want to explore, I want to not be sick. I want to write poetry and have something to write. i want to do a radio show on KUMM
i want to start acting again, or doing improv or public freak outs or something creative I want to travel. I want to make up speeches and give them in front of audiences and have them take notes even though i am making up the info. I want relationships and i want freedom, I want love and support, and i want to give it, i want to dabble with things that arent okay for me to dabble with and test the waters limits and such.
I want the idea of fences to be a temporary thing.



I want to experience life, not have it happen while I hold back and cling to things i should do.
I dont want regrets. I dont want pain that diminishes my love. I want to love and love freely and openly. without worry of people getting hurt, without morals, I want the beauty of sharing wholeness, like carrying the bricks without the weight. I want the strength again to be nurturing. I crave beauty, excitement, wonder, extreme, happiness, joy, but also passion, animal like, filthy beautiful, music overwhelming, connectedness, rush of flowing waves, warmth with a breeze.

The epic battle between good and evil. Well kind of, i mean if evil uses a fork...








and some lyrics about happiness and joy (which im sure i have posted before)

Alegria
Come un lampo di vita
Alegria
Come un pazzo gridar
Alegria
Del delittuoso grido
Bella ruggente pena,
Seren
Come la rabbia di amar
Alegria
Come un assalto di gioia

Alegria
I see a spark of life shining
Alegria
I hear a young minstrel sing
Alegria
Beautiful roaring scream
Of joy and sorrow,
So extreme
There is a love in me raging
Alegria
A joyous,
Magical feeling

Alegria
Como la luz de la vida
Alegria
Como un payaso que grita
Alegria
Del estupendo grito
De la tristeza loca
Serena
Como la rabia de amar
Alegria
Como un asalto de felicidad

I hate the feeling of jealousy more than anything, well short of like rejection and loss, and maybe severe worry. but i mean of the things faced on a regular basis. I hate it because not only am I untrusting, not viewing the world positively, thinking bad thoughts, being negative etc. but also because knowing that im feeling those things makes me so mad at myself. So im sitting there pissed off at the world and equally pissed off at myself and for some reason cant stop. so much negativity wrapped around me like a blanket and it makes me warm with frustration and helps repeat the cycle.

(im mad at myself cuz i have no reason to be jealous, i shouldnt feel insecure i should praise and thank those for what they can offer)

_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)__)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)


im hanging out with alexis manana, i was looking forward to it immensely before this weekend and now im back in negativity but i have a counseling appointment tomorrowo and that usually makes me feel better, or like i can handle things.
so maybe it will be ok.
im not sure what she expects, i expect to try to sneak in some studying while we are hanging out and take some pictures. we discussed possibly getting our fortunes read, which is something i feel i been needing lately for some reason, a lack of illy in my life to tell me things are aight on a more spiritual plain i think.

*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*


I had a really good time at the bar the other night, possibly one of the first bar experiences i really enjoyed something about a band and a costume party.
i spent like 20$ and only had a coke. (i owed everyone drinks or money)
It made me really happy to hear krystin had a good time, and alicia too. I felt a little distracted like I wasnt being a good host sort of guy (for some reason i felt like that was my job) anyway it was the highlight of my weekend i think.

$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$__$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_$_

I went to the rfc the fitness center today and went through one of my at the drive in cds twice while doing some power walking type treadmill work.
calories dont come off easy when u are trying but i think since we are constantly burning them doing normal activities as well, it will be ok. Im not sure it will happen but im trying to tell myself that i will go three times a week from now on. So that im in shape for traveling. walk the hills without leg and backpain.
I wouldnt want to hold the girl back, complaining and such.
oh by the way i only went like a little over 3.5 miles. so thats not great, but its a good start considering i never exercise.
and getting off treadmills is fun, cuz walking seems so easy and free afterwards.


!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!

today in my history class i think i got cocky. I didnt mean too. I tend to feel like i have some extra sources in that class, or some extra experience, but i dont really think of myself as smarter by any means, but then someone will say something and i feel the need to correct them like its my place which it certainly isnt. I drew a pirate girl today in honor of laurel our floor pirate/ RA but i didnt have the guts to give it to her.

#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#

I had a talk with eagan last night. He said he had love for me in a very connected type way. we talked a lot about love and its many forms as well as the perversions of beautiful things, such as pornography. But my state was loneliness before the convo and this i felt like we were doing that thing little kids do where they talk in monologues to eachother rather than have conversations. (we werent but i felt like it)

I of course dont know the order here, more photos to come (the adventures of the pumpkin man?)
anyway um Kelsey Our cow girl from first year (she milks cows, and goes to willmar now) It had been so long since i had seen her it was great.
Uh eva with short hair (sad, but it looked good)
Me and the b day girl, she was taking down tequila sunrises with a passion
Ashley and I, notice she is keeping her distance (a little weary of park boys?)
and Alexis with her one of her prize winning costumes (she designed her friends to be the cast of clue) anyway.
yeah

Anyway have fun. Sorry about the post above this... (which i havent written yet but i know will be depressing again.

lets see, these are all from sat. (with more to come)

Jim and Max before the parties.
Tom as a mummy
Russ and shawn of the dead (lobster)
scary mike the rock who wont put the knives down
and rictus as nerds. (fuckin rocking the met)

"Kiss and kill your boyfriend!
And all rich ones, too
Rich kids of the world unite! Rich kids of the

Dime on the bleachers
Head says not that far away
But the only way up is down
And i keep falling
Flip it again, but the answer
Hasn't spared its change

Doesn't matter how much time
You'll never forget that forgetting's required
Served on a platter of fakes!
It's inevitable!
We're proud to be pricks
We're proud to be assholes
We're proud to be assholes
We're proud to be assholes
We're proud to be assholes

Picking up the pieces one by one!
Picking up the pieces one by one!
Picking up the pieces!
Picking up the pieces one by!

Don't let it, dont let it ride
dont let it ride dont let dont let it ride

Answer, someone, anyone
Won't you pick up the pieces
You left behind?
Answer, someone, anyone
Won't you pick up the pieces
You left behind?

Kiss and Kill your boyfriend!!!" ~at the drive in

Dont know what order they are in, but petes bar (cant remember if i have posted those pics before) made by pete's friends Becky and myself, and a new painting i did which i think i entitled "purgatory" but fuck names
and uh andy playing with the beeds (the best band on campus) at the talent show
and uh krystin at the bar early on her 21st.




So im pretty fucked up right now, its a mix of pissed off and sad and frustrated and worried about homework. I dont want to explain but couldnt if i wanted to and im sick of writing stupid shit on here complaining all the time. THe truth is most days and most of the time, shit is fucken beautiful and even when its not it still is. Im just too caught up in the beauty to understand and respect it.

If anyone sees me acting different (in a bad way) in the next few weeks months, make sure to tell me.

aimee i got your message but i have to run, and pick becky up, i will try to call you later peace and love

this post isnt meant to hurt or frustrate anyone, im not asking for help, or anything either, but if i unintentionally piss anyone off or alarm anyone, know that its not my intent and i will be happy to clear stuff up as best i can, but this is me just thinking out loud getting some feelings out etc




I found out i dont have strep, just a cold, and no excuse to skip
classes, and then it changed into different symptoms, but im glad i got
some sleep its good for me. Becky and I might be going to a movie
tonight, at least i hope so. I have been so weird lately. I wanted to
tell this kid in my class i was jealous of him. I felt like it was so
stupid i needed to confess, and i would have had he shown any interest in
looking up from his comicbook. But i know how that is too. You always
want to finish whatever you are reading but with comics the action/drama
never stops so its hard to find a place...


___________________________________________________________________________
_________

Im really starting to worry about leaving. we have like 7 weeks left of
school i think, and then its like a week and a half, or not even, a week
to tell everyone i love them before i leave them again, possibly for good.
I will be stressed this is another reason i want to be on
antidepressants. I dont want to think about how i have completely wasted
the only opportunity i may ever get to truly get to know some people. I
came to this school because certain people went here. I never connected
with any of them the way i wanted to. When i see them i feel ashamed, in
the case of tim and kristen I have forgiven myself to some extent because
I can see how excited they were to move on, how they had been eager in
fact. With andy and ashley I dont feel like i have any excuse once so
ever except being shy, apathetic, self centered and such. I feel like i
have wasted so much opportunity, even to show them how much i like them. I
dont feel like i could ever convince them at this point-- they could only
ask "well why didnt you ever hang out?" and i would say "cuz im an
idiot" and it wouldnt be good enough.

and then there is becky. I tear up at the thought. (im gonna get really
angsty here, but most of this is about my feelings, my thoughts, my worries
not her) I tried to ask myself if i was exaggerating my feelings, if i
was turning her into something shes not, and im sure i always have in my
mind, the way i glorify all of my friends in my head, but as far as my
feelings go, I asked myself if i was just trying to hold onto something
that was gone, and then remembered i came to these conclusions before she
left.
and now im leaving. ----a week ago even i was thinking how great this
escape would be for me, for me to get away get some distance. Now it
seems like cutting off my head or something. like im gonna lose
everything. When i think about it logically everything is fine, we will
both move on etc. we can be friends it will be good i dont have to
worry or care so much. When i feel it, its not exciting, it hurts.
its not escape to find whole self, its cutting off a leg and limping away.
It hurts to think how quick we will grow apart, how she wont be here next
year, how she may have moved on already. I feel like im losing my last
chance to be around a person who has given me in many ways, not all, but
in many ways (even ways i didnt know were possible) like everything i
wanted. I may have appeared content, I was happy. I was challenged,
I was valued and supported. and its true that i may remember and think
fondly on our relationship, maybe idealize her within it. But until i
met her i didnt know these things were possible in a relationship and as
much i look forward to having them with others. I doubt now, that they
will be possible again. I doubt now, because i didnt necessarily
recognize and most certainly wasnt able to hold on to one of the best
things that ever happened to me, in such a way that hasnt happened before,
I have lost friends. I have had troubles, but things worked out. I
worry that i will lose this one.

___________________________________________________________________________
_______
it brings up every shred of my insecurity on a regular basis, i become
emotional at random times for no reason, and it reminds me how fragile i
am. how hurt frustrated and defensive i can get, how uncaring. It
reminds me how much i want to care about people, how much it happens with
out my approval and how vulnerable i am when they dont need me the way i
need them. it reminds me things change, and i dont have control and
that scares the hell out of me, even when i like the changes, (if they
happen when im not prepared)

I wrote that post about hurting myself with thoughts, i think thats why
I do it. so i feel like i have control over my reactions in case those
things happen.
I think about horrible things so i can react calmly, so i can be reliabe,
so im secure.

This is my stepsister Ali, I could say a lot of things here but i wont. Instead I will comment on the picture and the fact that by 15 she is doing things I still havent been able to work up the self discipline to do. And she sounds good, like she played a few notes and i could tell each song and everything. We joked about how you learn the beginning of like 5 songs and dont know the rest, but shes a good kid. If i didnt feel horribly guilty about the way that i treated her in the past i would be able to say without difficulty that im proud of her and like to think of her as a little sis.

I think,

I spend the hours thinking things, to hurt myself, so that when they come true, it doesn't hurt so bad. No surprises that way, security that way.



(and as a side note added later, so yall don't worry, I think im gonna get myself on antidepressants soon)

sick,

I dont know what it is
but it isnt fun
is it socially acceptable to hang out with people?
when sick...
Spreading like fire throughout the dorms,
screw smoke detectors
disease detectors
screening out the infectors

I dont do it too often, but occassionally i get stuck on a song, for a bit, and im not saying thats happening right now, but if it were it would be this song by sage francis I highlighted my fav parts of the verse
"sea lions"
(A healthy distrust)

(Will Oldham ((guest on album))
The force of my love was strong
The sea lion laying down on
The song in the air
Was fritting her care
With singer can be among song
(x2)

(Sage Francis)
Ma, ma look what I did ma
Look what I did to my hands
I broke 'em
You gave me the stone, gave me the chisel
Didn't say how to hold 'em
Didn't say give away every piece of the puzzle
Till I was left with nothin'
But I took it upon myself to crush it up and distribute the dustGet in the bus, hop in the van
Jump in the water, crawl to the land
Build another castle out of the sand
Break it down and then I get into the saddle again
Gone city to city
I'm already lost to the boss
Who is new in town
I'ma ride this horse till it bucks me off
And I'm forced to shoot it down
I'ma take him out for some gasoline
I'ma trade this cow for some magic beans
Make mom proud of the deals that I've made
Cause I'm just a modern day Johnny Appleseed
But I'm glad that I never passed the gins
And I never put down the axe
Piano man got checkered dance floor
The grace and the painful look on his face
Cause the crowd is packed
And the louder they clapped
The less he is able to make the connection
Between what he sees when he hears certain notes
And the hurt that is shown in his facial expression
I don't need your 'go-ahead' to go ahead
Y'all don't know if sales gon' be-easy
But sweet Jesus who wants to sleep with me
Way to many moves to learn
But not enough people to put 'em on
Look it mom
No hands
I built a suit of armor with wooden arms


The force of my love was strong
The sea lion laying down on
The song in the air
Was fritting her care
With singer can be among song
(x2)

if you havent figured it out yet they only let me put 5 of these pics at a time up.

These are from my gramp's funeral. I was suprised, I felt like there was a difference between these soldiers and the ones I see today, they seemed to feel proud about their time served, and without guilt, and it was sort of reassuring. I dont know what order those pics will be in, but my mom did the service and highlighted the fact that my grandpa was a medic because he was somewhat of a pacifist and as much as i wasnt sure about that connection, i liked that she said it -in trying to make connections to our family.

things are decidedly mopey around here. This kid (i dont know him) died yesterday. People feel sad, some guilty, and some are just sick that others arent respecting the situation, and others are just sick or tired. but im sure some are trying to make things better so good luck to em eh?

so those are some pics from the open mic i recently sucked it up at. I was just sad man, but thats cool i'll learn from it. anyway there was some awesome stuff, missy and joe the prof, played some spanish style improv jazz stuff (i cant think of actual terms right now) doc (the jazz director) read dry ass jokes as he hosted like "a hot dog walks in to a bar, and the bartender says "we dont serve food here"" or something like that. termites is the bar tender here?
anyway, also ya got some well established cats Huck with his yuke *at top*(spelling) hes funny as hell, and eagan *second* who played that song from donnie darko, madworld, and also reed * bottom pic* played he had a style all his own and i digged it like mad. I think i described it as something like funky river folk music or something kind of dylan-esqe as well.

also this kid (not pictured) read a poem in which he had a convo between a vampire and a date rapist and although it was scary it was really interesting, brilliant like, abby read some stuff too which i liked a lot but i came in late cuz i ran to the bathroom, and a streaker ran by outside during her very serious reading which was sad.




after me and laurel drove back to the cities, i feel like i really relate to her in a lot of ways but things were a bit uncomfortable due to circumstances, and i talked too much. and i felt bad. but i like her a lot shes good people like mad.