meh hard to be alone

I feel like I've never made a good marinade. Tonight's was so bad that I had to take the garbage out because the smell was rough. 

I don't know what to do tonight... I have two more things on my list (write/journal) and do the breathing exercise.

I don't feel very creative today. I woke up thinking I'd go spend a day at a coffee shop and be creative... and by the time I got to one I was kind or irritable. I spent an hour writing apologies to people that I've wronged or ghosted, then began to write them to people I have mixed feelings around, either open or never acknowledged conflicts. It felt good at first, then I realized I was really just writing for myself. It wasn't a true apology. I didn't want to hear their side of the story, didn't want to confront the situation... just say sorry, my bad and then dip. 

I started to reread the entries/writing I'd down around the time I started fighting with my dad and step mom... I got angry again and couldn't concentrate on anything else. 

I decided I should go for a walk. On the walk, due to the heat and other factors. I became increasingly sad, pitiful, irritated with myself. Half way through I felt pretty down, lonely, abandoned, rejected.  Felt like I was wasting my life and that even though I'd been given a lot of love by others, I didn't really feel very connected. -This is sort of the opposite of how I've felt lately -been doing a lot of meditation, self compassion, breathing, visualizations, gratitude exercises  ---all of which have kept me feeling ok despite feeling super sensitive... realizing how miserable I was making myself, I started to do one of these exercises while walking and within minutes I was crying, but also working through all the difficult emotions. I was imagining myself being there for my younger self who feels like too much, and all alone. I held him, shared positive feedback etc... 

The last 15-20 minutes of my walk I was sweating my ass off and uncomfortable but not sad/irritable anymore. I got groceries. Came home and showered. Did some spanish. 

I don't really want to go for a walk because its like 85 and humid. I don't really want to reach out to folks... feel like I am doing good for myself... but don't know how to expand that into something bigger.

Since I got home, I've been on and off having that anger with my family pop up. I think I miss my Dad. I feel like I don't know what to do about that, because yeah, I could see him. It would be fine. But I am still angry and hurt... and it feels like its not my job to make things better anymore. Thats the promise I've been trying to fulfill for myself. It's not my job to do other's work for them... its my job to be there for myself. I did that today. But ... still alone. When will that change?

I wish I could say I am gonna be productive tonight... but I know I am gonna go lay in bed on my phone. Its about 7pm and I am ready for bed.