Sunday

 

It’s about 10:50 pm when I start this. I feel like I got most of goals accomplished this weekend, maybe with the exception of seeing the lizard crew or any family (they didn’t reach out, so I didn’t). 

Yesterday I saw E again at the hospital and had some reminders of her family drama and I will probably get into that in a minute. 

I also walked to The Golden Nuts with Rachel over in Columbia heights because I was craving Dubai chocolate. It was a good long walk, though a bit sticky out. I got some treats and a bubble gum soda which she made fun of the entire way back - she said, “if you have any icebreakers like a fun fact about you, you can tell them that as an adult you have had a bubble gum flavored soda in the last year.”  It was a bit stronger than Inca  kola but totes delicious. 

Today I went to church, to dogwood, and then spent half the day in bed? Probably not that much but it felt like 3-4 hours at least. I woke up and got shit done. Which feels good, but now I’m worried about my 8:30 am appointment tomorrow. Maybe wake up and shoot espresso to the dome. The day will be pretty chills, just three morning appointments and presumably a lot of insurance calls all afternoon. Maybe I’ll go swimming if it’s sunny. 

So back to the drama.

I had this realization… I was spending time with E at a mental hospital and enjoying it. Honestly it was a really fun time. It felt good. I really like being around her. I enjoy talking to her, and she actually let me talk a lot for someone accused of being manic (she clearly isn’t right now). It felt really nice and I was having a hard time reminding myself that feelings aren’t enough. It was weird too, because the day had started with drama and worries. I thought I was getting myself into chaos. It felt yucky, suddenly being in the middle of her family drama again… and then later when I ran into her family it was nice. It was familiar. I missed them even though I’d spent the morning wary, angry, judgmental, wanting something desperately from them… and I’d spent so much time noticing I was in the drama, and laughing about it… it was also so familiar. It was my life for like 2.5 years. It felt like home. And to be honest… I wanted more of it. And then I realized that I was in the role again. Jumping to rescue and play peacemaker, and guide, and gift giver and supplier, and nice guy. I was doing all the things, and feeling like I was being effective… and it was like.. oh am I really happy or am I just playing my role effectively? 

And that’s what is so hard… because I am genuinely happy when I get to talk to E and we are on the same page, and we are dreaming, and exploring and raising insights and I get to be a teacher and a wise person and a good guy… I loved spending the time with her even in the middle of a mental hospital. (What’s the difference than that and meeting at headway?)  

But that’s not what caused me to have distance.  It was not that I didn’t love her, or enjoy her company, it wasnt even that I did all those things for her, I did them willingly - wanting to. It was that I ended up feeling responsible for everything.  I want to do these things in a relationship, and I want a partner who does them, and she couldn’t. And I am always looking for signs that she might be able to… she speaks a good game sometimes. But I can’t depend on that. 

And it sucks. Because I like who I am around her. I like how she sees me. And I like who she is in the world, (when she is in the world) but I can’t depend on it. I can’t 

So today I talked to her when she called, but I didn’t go with my friend to the hospital to visit. And though I did a little research for her, I’m not trying to jump in and fix everything… even though I want to. 

And I’m not sure what else I’m supposed to do. But it was really weird (kind of heartbreaking) to get to play the role again and like it so much… and then realize it isn’t enough. 

I also think I want to clarify that it isn’t her, though I’m sure all my arguments sound that way… I mean it is her and the circumstances but it’s also me.. I’m not enough when I’m just playing the role, I tiptoe, I’m not honest, I’m gaslighting myself and manipulating the situation, I’m not actually being authentic and it ends up being destructive because later I’m resentful and avoidant and shutdown and angry… and it’s not enough if I don’t show up and feel I can show up in a relationship. And I have to figure that shit out… even though I like the role, I’m not the role.