part 2

It's about 8:15 on Monday night. The day ended up going pretty easy, 1 cancellation, 1 reschedule, ended up having 4 male clients. I am more solution oriented with them, their feelings vocabulary is significantly smaller. 

I got home and made teriyaki salmon. It smelled like the teriyaki chicken M used to make me. It was good, but I ate too much again. 

I am listening to The Doors, feeling very adolescent. Trying to do this no social media thing. Its harder than I realized to stay away from my phone. I am not even saying no youtube, but I am trying to limit that. Insta and facebook are for the most part off limits. Might check messages, but nada mas. 

I brainstormed a list of things I could do... none of them sounded particularly interesting, so I am journaling. 

One of the first things I noticed is the silence... the place is so quiet, and when I don't have 5 distractions going... its lonely. Hence the music while I write.  Maybe leave the music on all night... who knows...

In the silence, I think of E. I think about how I am angry with her. I think about how I miss her. I think about how incompatible we were, and yet how nice it was to make a life with her.  I wonder what she is doing now, and wonder how we could ever be a couple without me worrying about her. I need to get over that... need to stop being worried. I take people into my heart and worry about them. I need to start letting them be who they are, and not hold them to what I hope they'll become. 

I need new love in my life. I need to figure out how to invite people in, and not feel overwhelmed.  I was thinking I would go to the coffee shops more without my phone... and then realized they all close at 6 pm now.  Maybe I need to be more outgoing... go to a bar or something.  No interest.  Maybe join a club, go meditate or something at one of those white people retreats. 

I guess I don't have much to say. I thought there would be more... 

Another thing I notice is my body and how it hurts. How I overeat. How i am achy and tight. I notice these things when I am not avoiding them. I could do yoga, or stretch, or lift weights, or walk on the elliptical... but I am not that bored yet... I think I will go to sleep early. I woke up at 5 or whatever... seems like I've earned a rest.