April

 

It’s Monday, I’m at work, even though it’s very early. I showed up to finish a DA that I just couldn’t get myself to work on over the weekend. I have a busy week ahead. At least three days with 6 clients, including today. 

It took me like 20 minutes to finish the DA and now my first client is at 9 am. Have more paperwork -always… but it feels like I did the thing that was stressing me. 

It’s been a pretty good morning. 

As I went to bed last night, I contemplated trying to give up social media and mainly my smart phone for a few weeks. Reset into life you know… no insta, no Facebook, no games… what else? I was thinking I could still watch YouTube on computers, but that’s also a cop out. I think, podcasts and music would be very acceptable. Block these things, stop checking my phone so much. Maybe once mid day and once at night? 

More time for art, writing, reading, journaling, exercise, time outside, time with people, meditation… classes?

The scrapbooking class starts up this week. I don’t know what my project will be yet. Maybe the junk journal thing. 

I’ve been discontent with my body lately, eating too much, not exercising. I feel out of breath easily. My heart races. My muscles and what not feel exhausted and tight. 

I need to not spend more money during this period of no phone. (I’m on it right now by the way). I think maybe I’ll start on Friday. 

Sunday dad and Steve and I walked around the lake. Other than that I basically did chores and sat around doing nothing. Didn’t go to church. 

Saturday went to the big protest (biggest thus far) and caught up with mom. It was a beautiful event, tons of people. Ran into a guy from high school and a friend from college and the parents of a client.  Three different eras of my life and those people all saw me and wanted to say something. It’s funny, I walked around praying for the people and smiling at their signs. Random People asked me questions. I must have been perceived as open and welcoming. I’d like to have that energy. 

I didn’t do much else on Saturday that I remember- computer games. 

Friday I bought a new work computer. The clock is wrong on the computer but everything else is fine so far. 

I was thinking I need to buy stuff before all the prices go up dramatically. 

I can’t remember all the things I was gonna journal about. 

Over the weekend I had a lot of gentle nostalgia for time spent with E… just missing the comfort of her presence. It felt funny, it wasn’t about any specific experience, but just being in her presence. I enjoyed her energy and spirit. 

I didn’t drown myself in the drama… just allowed the positive to be. 

Things I am considering for the future:

Business—- I am actually really nervous, I have no idea what I’m doing. I need to make a bunch of direct decisions, and just accept what comes. There might be clients I lose, and a lot of work, and delays, and nothing perfect… and I just need to accept that. 

Spiritual direction? This seems like a good way to go in terms of training and direction I guess. 

Community during a recession/society break down… not really sure what this looks like. It’s all fear based but also I want to make something new of this tower. 

Vacation seems unlikely at this time of chaos. But I need to use up my PTO. I got like over a week. 

In one of the Ram Dass things over the weekend, he said while we are dreaming we burn up our karma… dreams allow us to live out these alternate realities, and let go of things, desires, expectations etc. I really like that idea… the Capricorn desire to be productive - hey even in your sleep you’re working. 

Other stuff I suppose. I’m still waking up. I wanna just trust, trust that everything is what it is supposed to be. Enjoy all the trials, enjoy all the downtimes, enjoy the present and think fondly of the past and future.  That’s the goal I guess.