And that same day

I was kind of frustrated with myself for not being able to accomplish my goal... so i went home and played computer games. it was nice... then around 5ish I was listening to Amanda Palmer  (Theater is Evil album)... and started feeling really sad, missing E... then I replayed the cd again- probably because she is blunt, speaks of love and lust, and boredom and anger, and grief and being human with music that sometimes sounds epic and a little like a soundtrack to my heart... and it made me sadder and sadder and kept having little memories of what I have missed. and decided I needed to make dinner. Maybe I'm just hungry... crying while making dinner. 

I don't know. I think its because with time, so much of the difficulties, any hurt or anger have disappeared. I miss my friend. Just talking with her. I miss having a companion. Someone to come home too. I miss my partner someone to build a future with.  

I dunno... its so easy to remember the breaking points, and the other reasons... but even if I think our break up is ultimately for the best, sometimes still, I just miss her, still want the world for her. 

I want the universe to step in and give me a direction. Something new to cling to. I sit in the space we shared together, grieving the life we made together while trying to dream a new one. And its ok. I love this space, even though she eventually couldn't. 

But how to move forward from the job I'm starting to hate (the company), without a new space to move into, I feel stuck. As with home, so as work?  meh...

I remember touring all those houses hopeful I'd find the next step, and then when I liked a house, I suddenly had this ache, because the person I wanted to show them to wasn't moving in with me..

What do I need all that space for? I barely use what is here. Half this shit, I could do without. 

I didn't do the writing I wanted to do (or at least not yet...) And I have to accept that... I am fine. Everything is fine... I am just sad. Its good to be sad, reminds you that your heart is fertile ground.

When I was coming home from Spyhouse feeling defeated, I started telling myself all the things Im grateful for... and it was a lot. I feel very blessed with this life... and I don't like that I am feeling so stuck. 

I was hungry then too, and started crying then. I am a crier... can't deny it. There is something about blood sugar here. Maybe I am diabetic. 

I dunno. Want something meaningful, and then walk away when it gets hard?  Is that what I am?  I don't think that's right, I think I overstayed because I loved... but then couldn't any longer. But what is this single life?  What's the point.

Gotta believe, have faith and all that.  That's the point. 

Gotta bring up my spirit, and eat my food before it gets cold. 

This was an angsty rant.

Later in Enero

 Its a Saturday morning, I am not feeling particularly well rested, or energized, or well... but I am not sick. I ate pizza last night and stayed up too late on my phone -part of that was really fun -watching the charismatic voice reviewing Janice Joplin, Live, Blues Traveler, and Meatloaf. Watching her glee and delight, trying to shape sounds in my mouth/throat. Part of it was because my computer game shut down randomly and I didn't want to restart it. Part of it was because I was avoiding journaling, reading, writing, because I was taking the night off... but still felt like I was avoiding. 

I still feel like avoiding. Avoiding a walk with my Dad, avoiding the theater tickets Teresa just offered, avoiding writing because I don't feel quite alive or awake or INTO it yet. Avoiding sitting with my body which is usually tight, dehydrated, inflamed. Avoid noticing it because my stomach is uncomfy, avoiding sitting with my body as it reminds me I have all this untapped emotion, loneliness, desire and I don't know what to do with it.  

Reminding me I have all this anger...   I think anger and disgust were prominent emotions this week. The politics of incoming President... the policy, the drama.  Easy to get swept up and judge the nation's shadow self. Easy to feel like we are headed in the wrong direction, towards the fear, towards the needless pain and heartache.  There are so many parallels to the rise of fascism that its hard to ignore. I am not getting cynical and hopeless light I have in the past, I am just seeing places to step in.

One of those places this week was on sharing the social media I found helpful... but I found myself preparing to battle and argue with conservatives...

The big thing that kept sticking with me was christian nationalists condemnation of a pastor asking for mercy for those who are afraid. It was such a simple culminating dividing line...   I shared the story in Matthew of Jesus telling the disciples right before he goes away of the sheep and the goats. Those who did for the least of us, did so to me... etc.   I wanted to educate, to school, to rip people a new one... but I didn't want to spend my anger engaging that way. Just leave the story and let them deal with their own cognitive dissonance rather than me struggling with it. A bit self righteous obviously... but still -right?

I find myself even more angry at work. We switched over to the optum system for emails and IT... but the building's heat is fucked up, and the internet and athena keep going down.  This company is denying 30% of the claims, can't get billing or credentialing right, and can't even heat the building... they pass propaganda through the email we are now forced to use. They talk about how they are making the health care system more efficient... the morality is out the window... and fundamentally I just don't believe in it, don't want to be attached to it... but what's my next step?  (took a second to go ask about the wycliff building again). 

I guess I was hoping that finding a space would be easy. Its been months and the leads that I have, haven't quite worked. I want to believe in divine timing, and also want to be ready and follow through with my portion... but am i wasting time? am I avoiding my responsibilities...

Given my experiences in life, you find something and it works out, or it doesn't and you move on... and this is all ok. Each direction ok.

The work itself sometimes gets boring. I am probably 'bored' with about 1/4-1/3 (I keep revising these numbers). Luckily each day there are clients I look forward to, and others I can enjoy even if we aren't doing anything... but maybe I should be letting go of a few clients -suggesting we need to revise goals or find something new?

Maybe I am dragging ass because this isn't what I want to do?  Maybe I want to move into life coaching or something that doesn't require insurance? Maybe I want to spend more time teaching or organizing?  Maybe I want to be an author and I just don't trust myself to follow through because of days like this when I am avoiding the hard work.  

I should spend some time thinking about that... why am I not allowed to be an author instead of a helper...?  

*because it isn't giving to others, its selfish

*because it isn't a real job (can you make money? can you guarantee an outcome?)

*because it is lonely, you don't have a support network for it

*because people will be disappointed that you walked away from something you're both good at, and that helps others

*because it is only part of what you want... not fully

And what do I want?  

I want to be an author, that is true. I want to be 'good enough' to be an author and I want my words to impact people. I also want to be a helper... (teacher, social worker, therapist, whatever). I also want to have a relationship and children and it is really hard to imagine doing all of these things, I also want to be a good friend, brother, son, uncle, but its hard to do so... I want to embrace all of me, and don't know how to balance these pulls. I want to serve, and also be there for myself. I want to live a spiritual life, but also indulge in all the hedonistic cravings...

Saw these musicians last night who create such beauty... move us. 

I alternated that with watching the scandalous... the mesmerizing, and with playing games on my phone, Tetris, risk, geography and word games... and occasionally stealing glances at the pictures of those I have loved. 

Oh this life is full of pulls... how to know which direction to allow your body and soul and mind to drift. 

I think I need to move from this seat, because the height of this table and the distance from the seat feel uncomfy, the wrong angle for things. I am just full of excuses today eh?

How to embrace what it, as it comes, acknowledge and release, rather than dwell on the uncertainty, control what is uncontrollable, the pull of Prometheus and Epimetheus -can't you sit in the present? Can't you sit with your humanity in all its vulnerability without having grand designs...

find the rhythm of the universe rather than trying to create it

What would that look like? How do you be a vessel, allow the muse to work its magic, let it be... be in the flow of the river, rather than clinging, or swimming against the current.

I suppose that is the way to say it... I feel out of the flow today.  Not sure where the access point is... or rather, I am sure its inside me... but I am not sure I am seeking it?

Not sure what else to say today. Should probably be out doing, instead of thinking... maybe I need a walk, maybe I could return and do some real writing later if I moved, moved, moved. 

 Still feeling sick. And my stomach hurts. And Im a little sad tonight.  

Tomorrow is gonna be  a long day, and then three day weekend, but at least two will have family stuff. 

I wish I were feeling more excited about that.

Yesterday I was in a better mood. Today, I am kind of accepting that the universe has to do what the universe has to do. And its our job to accept it. 

So I accept that my stomach hurts, and its making me a little dramatic and pitiful, and I am sad. 

Peace

Hey I’m 41

 Don’t have much to say. The day started well, got a little nerve wracking anxiety prone due to work stuff, then ended slow when I decided I didn’t care that much. 

Forgot to get Thai food. 

I just got an email regarding a potential space for my business, and it sounded cool. So hoping to set up a time to visit. 

Not much else. The tarot folks keep saying to believe in divine timing, to wait like the hermit, to set off like the fool, they say the sun is shining on me and generally I feel good even while I feel dumb. I’m 41, it’s time to start the next thing right? 

Hoping to sleep well on NyQuil. 

Maybe I need a cpap. 

Have a three day weekend coming up and I know birthday celebrations will be part of it, but generally I’m not trying to stay appreciative of my life without overdoing it. It’s been a really really good life. I’ve met wonderful people, been lots of places, done some awesome stuff.  Contributed and been blessed… so if anything happens. I am grateful that I’ve known you. 

Ok… gonna go to bed. Or play games or something. 

Goodnight

New me!?

 I turn 41 in a few days. I am sick right now, it’s just a cold, but sometimes I’m slightly miserable- so I can’t say I’m feeling all that introspective or reflective, but I wanted to journal. I feel like I’ve been avoiding things that require concentration all day. I’ve been accomplishing the minimum of the required things for me  to feel functional - but not much else. I went to church and hung out in the balcony cuz I didn’t want to feel like I might have to interact with people. I went to Costco which was the biggest excursion and spent 300$ but now I have a supply of those extra things  that will last a while. I got home around noon and felt exhausted.  I did the dishes and laundry… and made myself some food… but didn’t really do anything else for the past 8 hours and if you asked… I wouldn’t necessarily be able to tell you what I’ve been up to… some sleep im guessing, some phone time…  I dunno feels like the day was simultaneously really long and really short. 

Yesterday I also ventured out. I went to a “retreat for burnt out therapists” and it was really nice, but my DayQuil wore off half way through the day and it started getting much harder. I dunno if any of these were my people, but it was lovely to attend. I really enjoyed it, and a lot of that was just the spirit I chose to show up in. To be open, to be accepting, to be me and to appreciate the moment for what it was…

That being said, I went into it with a little magical thinking. All those tarot videos I watch for hope, gave me a little magical fantasy that maybe I’d meet my next person soon.   Not sure that happened. 

After the retreat I went to spyhouse and did a little bit of writing, but ultimately came home feeling pretty warn out. Even wondered if I’d make it out of the house today or tomorrow. With enough quil, anything is possible. 

Friday night (I think) I talked to Eduardo (j) for like an hour on Instagram and it was super nice. I laughed, I cried, I heard a little about her disaster of a trip to the Philippines. I felt envious of her travels, and also envious of the people she gets to be around. 

I missed loving and being loved. 

The grief isn’t as intense this weekend, but it’s present. The sinus part of this cold is doing this weird thing where it makes me cry, and I can’t always tell the emotions apart from the physical sensations… it’s odd. But the grief is primarily coming to me in these moments of just noticing change, or I suppose also in moments of missing good times. But the change is stuff like, ‘damn I have a really big apartment for just one person.. there is so much room now, where a separate life used to be.’ And ‘damn it feels lifeless, functional but not filled with warmth or connection’  or ‘damn I haven’t been to Costco since I was shopping for both of us, it’s a completely different experience shopping for me, it used to be we…”   And thinking about that aspect of having someone else to consider for years and then suddenly -no i don’t need to worry about or make sure of…  I still spent a goat load of money, but it was all on stuff for me.  If it had been both of us? At least 200 more. 

There is a really weird thing happening where I’m getting little thrills out of either saving money, or using up things and having to buy more. It’s like the weird games you play when you’re traveling alone and bored. 

I am saving money. Not sure what for… primarily it’s meant giving more to charity and the church so far.

But I mean, it’s like the little thrill of finishing all of your groceries or needing to buy new soap, finally check that off the list.

Its odd.

I thought I would have something more to say… I guess I’ve been thinking about aging and life and all these things. Feeling like I’m not gonna be a crabby old man who feels like a victim, but also, how will I not turn into that? 

When I look through photos of my life, I feel live been very successful. Like it’s been a really really good life and I am very grateful. And that means I guess that I have a lot to lose. 

I don’t know what the next chapter will be. The tarot video predictions didn’t come true yet, maybe I have to stop believing in magic and actually go make decisions for my own life.  

I told my therapist last week that my development is so staggered and uneven… in some ways I’m super advanced, in other ways I’m super behind my peer group. Maybe gotta stop using them as a comparison, but also of course hard not to. 

Maybe that’s what 41 will bring… a whole new variety of decisions and experiences. 

I’m gonna either read or watch another tarot video now. Then take some NyQuil. 

I hope you are feeling lovely. 

Hanged man

 

I’m at spyhouse, doing some research for the book mostly, thus far. The music is a bit loud and I’m. Considering leaving because I can’t hear any inner knowing… you know? I am tempted to read that don miguel Ruiz book I bought from five below, but then next chapter is “inner silence” and yah, ha ha. 

I’ve been scouring for myths, but the muse isn’t really with me today. I feel tired. It’s freezing out. I’ve been feeling behind and unproductive even though I’ve mostly done everything on my immediate list with the exception of cleaning the stairs and kitchen floor, and seeing illy. 

I went to church and the sermon was based on the book Aryn gave us a few weeks ago.  The music director started a short story about dreaming of alternative economies by saying “I remember everything about this story except the characters names…” and invited the audience to name them. It was playful and a nice hook. The music was great, the sermon was right on…  though I kept feeling really grateful for that murder, and how it seemed to create a line in the sand. In an odd way, giving hope that we could recreate things through this class realignment… billionaires are sick, we can either invite them back into community and relationship or cut them down, but allowing them to do this is poison. 

…

and I left hoping to do some writing. 

For some reason, what is on my mind is my lack of direction and knowing my priorities. Or rather knowing my priorities from what I seem to put energy into. 

Security, work, etc… 

At one point during our break up E said something along the lines of “I hope you figure out what you want” or “find what you’re looking for” or something  like that… and she didn’t mean it in a mean way or implying anything, just acknowledging that it seemed I was driven by something that wasn’t clear to me, and maybe it was to her - but she didn’t have answers for me, she knew I had to figure them out myself. 

I think it’s funny how apparently I have realized that I am not prioritizing family and children, even though I’ve always claimed I wanted that. I still wish for it, but wishing is resisting after all. 

I am not putting effort into love or romance at least right now… something else. 

So what are my priorities? Not travel, or starting a business, or my health… friends? Not really, work? Not really,  art and writing and blah? Somewhat, dreaming? I wish… and resist. 

Too much time on my phone. Lots of distraction.

I dunno. Will probably head home soon… and what will I do? Spend all the time on my phone? 

One week down

 It’s Saturday.  I feel like I didn’t accomplish anything today even though I did. I have the nagging feeling of incompleteness, of something missing, and it hints of grief some of the time and other times just makes me wonder what the hell I am doing with my life. 

This past week was weird, with Tuesday and Wednesday off and cat sitting, I felt like my rhythm was completely thrown off and I liked it some of the time (getting time to be creative and not stressed) and was kind of miserable some of the time (the cat being clingy or keeping me up all night).  Working on Thursday and Friday was fine when I was with clients, but I felt fairly unfulfilled and also completely unmotivated. 

Friday night I didn’t really do anything productive. The cat went back to my dad’s, and I was tired. 

Today I woke up to my mom asking me if I wanted to come over to do puzzles. Conveniently I had plans already. Its weird though, that is the kind of thing I want to do, but I have too many other things I need to do… and the idea of driving to Saint Paul with the temp below zero sounded kind of miserable.  Instead, I had breakfast at French meadow with Gabi for 4 hours - which has become our tradition every 3-4 months. And we talked and talked and it was fun, even though I know I made her a little insecure at one point, but by 2 pm when I left, I felt like I had missed an opportunity to write. When I got home it was miserable cold out and I was hungry and needed to do some  chores so I did all that, and I didn’t have any creative will power from eating heavy food, and it was cold so I laid about/ napped under the blankets for a few minutes/hours and then finally woke up to eat another heavy meal. 

I finally did some reading related to my book, finding myths and folktails for the Lucy sections… gonna do some more. But I kept feeling like I needed to move or change or clean or something. Felt like I have too much space and it needs to be made super tidy or it won’t feel right… something doesn’t feel right. 

Maybe I need to meditate or watch a tarot or reiki video to get into my flow state… maybe I need to pray or cry. 

Church tomorrow, maybe illy or my mom or dad. Then work again, then repeat. 

I really want to get back into writing, but it takes time and creative energy and I don’t know if I have that during my work week. Maybe I need to reduce my expectations of how much I can accomplish.

I miss companionship, the ease of it, the security of it, the routines, how quickly time goes by when you are ok…

Black sheep seems to have closed. There goes the Friday ritual. 

Saw that insta post again so I’ve had this in my head all day. https://youtu.be/IclRg7oLr28?feature=shared

Meh

https://youtu.be/jWHpIP1-kUI?feature=shared  

I was listening to this song in the shower this morning and began to cry. I think it’s the mix of the words, melody and that rhythm that feels like you have to keep marching forward even though things aren’t ok. I love it.

I reread old blogs last night, a year ago is when she projectile vomited all over the door. Later we figured out that was part of the condition, the imbalance in her ear. I think I really didn’t know how to process watching someone I love struggle so much, watching them lose their self to this illness. 

Which is funny because wasn’t that also what happened in the past with people? Haven’t I seen this before several times.  A year of trying to stay in control while you worry the foundations are crumbling beneath you. 

This year will be better? Maybe. 

I feel so sad sometimes.